ALUCARD: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own ALUCARD unit. This manual was made to ensure that you, the user, could get as much potential from your ALUCARD unit as possible.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Alucard. He will also respond to "Dracula," "Vlad," "Master," "The Impaler," and "Count"
Age: 567
Place of Manufacture: Wallachia
Height: 198 cm (6'5'')
Weight: 71 kg (156 lbs) ...this is our closest estimate.
Length: Let us just say Van Hellsing didn't hate him just because he is a vampire.
Your A LUCARD unit comes equipped with the following:
One (1) full-length, frock overcoat with cape, red
One (1) wide-brimmed fedora, red
One (1) pair of circular, tinted, wire-rimmed sunglasses, custom
One (1) pair of white gloves with pentacle design
One (1) charcoal suit, complete with red cravat and leather riding boots
Two (2) oversized handguns, the .454 CASULL, silver; the JACKAL, black
One (1) black bondage suit
One (1) coffin, filled with the earth of your ALUCARD unit's homeland
Programming
Your ALUCARD unit is equipped with the following traits:
Guard Dog: Your ALUCARD unit is professionally trained and perfectly capable of securing your sovereign and country. On a smaller scale, your ALUCARD unit will protect your home and family with his exceptional sharpshooting ability and supernatural abilities.
Vampire Hunter/Demon Slayer: Got supernatural pests plaguing your home and/or country? Put your ALUCARD unit's supernatural talents and penchant for bloodshed to good use and send him off to battle. Though it will be extremely bloody, your ALUCARD unit will never fail you.
Hunting Partner/Dog: ALUCARD has a very sharp nose and an advanced tracking ability. Take him on your next outing and and watch your preferred game literally fall at your feet!
Sniper: Your ALUCARD unit is the best sharpshooter on the planet. Rent him out to your city's police force or country's military, or just keep him at home to keep the ghouls, the creepers, the stalkers, the nosy neighbors, and the dreaded family members coming for the holidays at bay.
Removal of your Alucard unit from packaging
Your Alucard unit is very cruel and arrogant by nature and there is a startlingly high amount of ways of waking him up improperly. Here, we have provided you with a few "safe" methods of removing him from his box, but we do not take any liability for any harm done to your person or to others during this process.
Method 1: Cut your finger or open a bag of fresh (or near-fresh) blood. Your ALUCARD unit will phase through his box and approach you, requesting a taste. We strongly suggest you offer it to him. If you refuse, he may take it anyway.
Method 2: Place an ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit in front of your ALUCARD unit's box. Let the ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit berate and taunt your ALUCARD unit a bit, and then proceed to find shelter some distance away. Your ALUCARD unit will first fire a hail of bullets through the cover of his box before bursting out and engaging the ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit in battle. For instructions on how to end this fight, continue reading the User Guide and Manual.
Method 3: Place a SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING unit in front of your ALUCARD unit's box. The INTEGRA unit will promptly make a disparaging remark about the laziness of your ALUCARD unit and will order him to come out at once. He will calmly phase out of the box then, make an uncomfortable sexual innuendo at the SIR INTEGRA unit, and then carry out any orders the SIR INTEGRA unit decides to give him.
Method 4: Order your ALUCARD unit to come out of his box. This method is not reccommended, as there is very little chance that your ALUCARD unit respects you enough to follow orders from you. He may or may not come out, and if he does, he may attempt to drink your blood. An attack from one of these units is extremely lethal.
Method 5: Place an ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit outside of your ALUCARD unit's box. The ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit will immediately attack the box with various vampire-slaying weapons, causing your ALUCARD unit to come out and defend himself. You must wait until your ALUCARD unit is completely defeated by the ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit before attempting to utitilize him. CAUTION: There is no guarantee that your ALUCARD unit will come out of this battle in one piece.
*NOTE: Method 5 is only reccommended for the Vladcard!edition of the ALUCARD line.
Reprogramming
Your Alucard unit is reprogrammable with the following modes:
Arrogant (default)
Cruel (default)
Bloodthirsty
Melancholic
Obedient (locked)
Furious (locked)
Slash (locked)
Your Alucard unit comes preprogrammed in Arrogant and Cruel modes. In these modes your unit will be the violent, trigger-happy vampire he is known to be, ready to fight and kill lowly monsters at a moment's notice. Any unit/monster/unfortunate victim caught in battle with him in these modes will find themselves humiliated and demoralized before being completely obliterated.
In Bloodthirsty, your unit's usual savage nature will increase ten-fold. Your ALUCARD unit can be brought into this mode within a matter of seconds after being brought into a fight, especially one against an ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit. It is best you avoid physical contact with your ALUCARD unit in this mode, as he may or may not recognize you as his master, and he may kill you to gain the power human blood offers him. To bring your ALUCARD unit out of this mode, enforce the Control Art Restriction System as outlined later in this Manual, or have a SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING unit do it for you.
In Melancholic your ALUCARD unit will become introspective, calm, and withdrawn. Though he enjoys a good kill every now and then your ALUCARD unit almost completely regrets giving up his humanity to become a vampire. He has also given up completely on his own God, so in this mode he may begin to question you about your own religious beliefs. It is very rare, but your ALUCARD unit may cry at some point. To put your ALUCARD unit into this mode, allow him to interact with vampire!WALTER C. DORNEZ, or remind him of his decision to become a vampire. To bring your ALUCARD unit out of Melancholic use the same procedure as outline in Method 1 or Method 2 of removal from your unit's box.
If you manage to prove to your ALUCARD unit that you are worthy of being his master and that you are his equal, he will unlock the Obedient mode. In this mode your unit will happily oblige with any order you give him and will do anything in his power to impress you. While still retaining some of his Arrogant mode personality traits, your ALUCARD unit can be completely trusted to protect you and follow through with orders. It is exceptionally hard to unlock this mode, and Congratulations! to you if you manage this. You can re-lock this mode by requesting that your ALUCARD unit bite you and turn you into a vampire. He sees this as something that is earned, not given freely, and will lose confidence in you for wanting to give up your humanity for no reason.
*Note: Mentioning that the SERAS VICTORIA unit wasn't exactly given much of a choice when he shot her in the lung instead of shooting the vampire priest's head will only make him irritated and may send him into Furious mode.
Your Alucard unit's Furious mode is locked with good reason. This mode can be unlocked by having your ALUCARD unit witness someone committing suicide, your attempt to commite suicide, or by telling him that SIR INTEGRA HELLSING is dead. While in this mode your ALUCARD unit is unstoppable and wants nothing more than to kill. We suggest you stay out of his way (unless it is you that attempted the suicide. Then... well, God help you.) and allow him to blow off steam by shooting the crap out of a horde of ghouls.
*Note: The ghouls can be bought via our Ghoul Invasion line of products.
Slash mode is unlocked after a set amount of interaction between your ALUCARD unit and other units available in our product line such as SIR INTEGRA HELLSING, SERAS VICTORIA, RIP VAN WINKLE, WALTER C. DORNEZ, ALEXANDER ANDERSON, LUKE VALENTINE, the RIO HOTEL BELLBOY, and BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Your ALUCARD unit may also initiate SLASH mode with you, the owner, while in the Obedient, Furious, or Bloodthirsty modes. If this is undesired, we strongly suggest you avoid making any invitations to ALUCARD while he is in any of these modes.
Relationships with Other Units
SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING: Your ALUCARD holds SIR INTEGRA in the highest regard, as his equal. Your ALUCARD can be quick to defend SIR INTEGRA's honor when it is threatened. When bought together your SIR INTEGRA unit is highly capable of keeping your ALUCARD unit in check and on task, though there are limits to what she can stop him from. It is reccommended you buy the two units together to ensure your ALUCARD unit is brought to his fullest potential.
*Note: SIR INTEGRA and ALUCARD units have some understated sexual tension that is not helped by ALUCARD's penchant for sexual innuendos and lack of concern for personal space. Despite the fact that the SIR INTEGRA unit finds the ALUCARD unit not appealing in the slightest, romance can occur. However, pursuing this pairing is time consuming, frustrating, and consistently unfruitful - though not for lack of trying on your ALUCARD unit's part.
SERAS VICTORIA: SERAS VICTORIA is your ALUCARD unit's newest fledgeling; therefore he considers himself her teacher and subsequent father-figure. He is stern with her and at times can be unnecessarily mean, but he means the absolute best for her in the long run.
*Note: Romance between the SERAS VICTORIA and ALUCARD units is possible if there are no SIR INTEGRA HELLSING units nearby.
ALEXANDER ANDERSON: This unit is the ALUCARD unit's designated rival in every sense of the word. When confronted by this unit, your ALUCARD unit will immediately initiate trash-talk and then, if the ANDERSON unit reciprocates (which he inevitable will), your ALUCARD unit will enter Bloodthirsty mode and a battle will begin. It is imperative that you keep these two units separate to prevent excessive damage to your property.
*SLASH mode dictates that these two may begin a romantic, yaoi relationship if left to their own devices for a long period of time. This is extremely rare and will only occur if there are no SIR INTEGRA HELLSING or ENRICO MAXWELL units around.
LUKE VALENTINE: This unit will always and arrogantly engage your ALUCARD unit in battle. Unfortunately for him, your ALUCARD unit will realize that LUKE VALENTINE is nowhere near as strong as he thinks he is, ALUCARD will summon BASKERVILLE to eat him. Destruction of the LUKE VALENTINE unit is inevitable.
Cleaning
Your Alucard unit is quite capable of cleaning himself as he is pre-programmed with a dirt and blood self-absorption option, which means that any mess he make on himself will be immediately sucked in and made a part of himself. It is possible to bathe him, however, though we suggest only trying when he is in Obedient or Slash mode.
Feeding
Your ALUCARD unit is quite capable of keeping himself fed and does not need to feed often, though it is suggested that you keep a well-stocked supply of blood packages on hand to prevent any mishaps. Your ALUCARD feeds almost exclusively on blood, though expensive red wine is an acceptable alternative on occasion.
Rest
Your ALUCARD unit is impervious to the harsh, purifying rays of the sun, but he hates it anyway. Because of this he will sleep all day long and stay up into the extremely late hours of the night. If you have a job, attend school, or are a normal day-rising person, the ALUCARD unit is not for you. Your ALUCARD will sleep in his coffin, which we must remind you NOT to touch, under any circumstances.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q. Is the ALUCARD unit actually Count Dracula?
A. Yes, he is.
Q. Can the ALUCARD unit be destroyed?
A. No, he cannot. The ALUCARD unit is not invincible, but no amount of damage can fully kill him. We also do not suggest you try, either.
Troubleshooting
Problem: My ALUCARD unit won't stop trying to kill me! How do I get him to stop?
Solution: Yes, well, your Alucard unit is, in case you haven't noticed, quite cocky and defiant. He won't recognize you as his master until your prove yourself. We suggest doing so quickly before anything irreparable happens. In the meantime, try buying one of our SIR INTEGRA units and using her to calm ALUCARD down. Results may still vary.
Problem: I opened the box and inside is a little girl!
Solution: It seems we have sent you a GIRLYCARD unit by mistake. This version of the ALUCARD product line is simply ALUCARD in young female form. She exhibits all of the qualities of normal!Alucard though she is a girl. She also comes with cute, custom-designed lolita costumes and vampire teddy bear along with her normal white suit. If you do not wish to keep her, feel free to send her back and we will replace her.
Problem: My Alucard unit just turned into a dog.
Solution: Treat him as you would any rabid, dangerous dog. Keep your hands where he can see them, palms toward you. Do not make any sudden movements, and for God's sake, do NOT call him Fluffy Wuffums! ALUCARD can change at will into any form he chooses, none of them any less dangerous.
End Notes
You have picked a dangerous and slightly maniacal companion to spend the rest of your life with. While ALUCARD may exhibit some bloodthirsty and murderous tendencies, once you have gained his trust you will never have to fear anything ever again. He makes for an excellent hunting partner and guard dog, as well.
Good luck! You're going to need it.