A/N: I have a small group to thank for reviews of the last chapter: Rukia's Reflection, Thunder Claw03, ShadowSword524, Assault Godzilla, Dark Inu Fan, and Aurora Marija. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. In the face of what's happened to Japan in the last couple of days, I felt the need for something lighthearted to come out instead of the current seriousness of "Saying I Will" because while we cry, we cannot forget how to laugh. My heart aches for all of those who are missing their loved ones and pray that nothing more will happen to a wonderful nation.
I don't usually post anything personal but I have a favor to ask of all my readers. If anyone knows the conditions of the Nagano Prefecture, especially around Chino, I would greatly appreciate hearing about it. I have not been able to find much, nor have I been able to contact my friend who lives there. You may PM me with the information or include it in a review. Thank you.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
Imminent Danger
Isshin was quite pleased with himself. He had managed to find a way to relieve the boredom that had started to plague him and the perfect way to embarrass his son. The school project that he had been asked to help with would keep Ichigo flustered for the rest of his high school career. Either that, or it would finally kick into gear the hormones that Isshin had begun to fear were permanently on ice.
Looking around his son's room, he grinned at the adjustments he'd made and left with a chuckle. He would have supplied Kon with a camera so that he could have recorded the teens' reactions but Ichigo had popped the mod soul's pill out of the lion plushy that morning and taken it with him.
Downstairs, the phone rang and he hurried to answer it before someone thought that the clinic wasn't opened. "You've reached the Kurosaki Clinic, the wonderful Dr. Kurosaki speaking!"
"As if anyone else would be answering the phone. You're unprofessional attitude is still the same, I see." Ryūken Ishida's voice was stonily disapproving as he spoke.
"Ryūken! This is a surprise." The elder Quincy never called unless something was wrong. "The children…" Isshin trailed off. He hadn't sensed any change in their reiatsus but he asked to be sure.
"None of your children or their friends have been admitted to the hospital. I am calling about this school project that Ochi-sensei has assigned my son and his classmates. Uyruu informed me that you will be speaking to them tomorrow."
"That's correct. I'm so excited! This is the first time I've been asked to help. I have posters and samples and…"
"Your participation is unacceptable. I have already called the principal and arranged to take your place. I knew that if I left it up to you, you'd make a circus act out of a serious matter such as procreation."
Isshin's grin from earlier became maniacal. "But I was so hoping…"
"A Quincy can learn nothing from a Shinigami, Isshin. I refuse to let you embarrass my son in such a manner." Ishida's voice cut across his protest like a knife.
"Well, if you insist…" His voice petered out as if he were disappointed. "I think it's a good idea. You have been so busy that Uyruu-kun's activities had gone largely unnoticed. This might be the perfect opportunity for you to bond with him." While he was slightly disappointed that he wouldn't be able to make his presentation, Isshin felt that this was a much better outcome.
And Ryūken thought a Quincy was more intelligent than a Shinigami. Who had out maneuvered whom? Wait until Kisuke heard about this development.
Now the only other person that they had to manipulate into position was Byakuya.
Ichigo and the others got the news that their guest lecturer had been changed forty-five minutes before the end of the day. Every single person in the "Substitute Group" sighed openly in relief. It never occurred to them that this had been precisely Isshin and Urahara's plan all along.
"Crisis adverted. For a human version of Byakuya, your dad really came through. I was sure that he'd turn your request down." Ichigo pretended that the elbow to his ribs didn't hurt from Rukia's objection to his reference to her brother. He calmly packed his belongings, holding the mechanical baby while Rukia did the same.
"I am still unclear as to how your father and mine know each other so well but it doesn't surprise me that he would want to prove that he is better than a Shinigami, even if said Shinigami is no longer part of the Gotei Thirteen." Ishida paused in his lecture to look at his partner. Orihime was cooing to the doll, trying to keep it from crying. The recorded voices of babies had been giving him a headache since the moment the project started. While he silently congratulated Urahara on creating such a worthwhile tool, he was going to cheerfully skewer the genius when it was all over.
"You know, the old man never did explain that. Huh, something to pound out of him when we get home. Well, good luck, guys. See ya tomorrow." The others said their farewells and two by two they left school.
Rukia had been silent for most of the day, handing the doll off to Ichigo so that she could go slay the two Hollows that had had the audacity to appear. Now she walked quietly by his side, humming as she held the baby. "Kon's going to be a problem, isn't he?" she asked when she was sure they were alone. Keigo had wanted to tag along to "learn" from them.
"I'm actually more worried about Chappy. She has a tendency to want to break things." Like his arms.
"She'll be careful with it if I tell her to." The dark haired young woman paused, gazing at the baby doll and then at her partner. "Maybe we should just trade off with the Hollows when they appear."
"Good thinking, and if anything big comes along, we'll have Yuzu 'baby-sit." One of the advantages of explaining things to his sisters was that he didn't have to lie to them when he went out in his soul form to take care of Hollows. They were also good at coming up with excuses for his absences.
The twins were waiting for them when they got home. Karin gave them a knowing look and cast the doll a sardonic smile. "I'm not babysitting."
"Didn't ask you to," her brother retorted. "Yuzu, if we have to go out together, would you mind watching the thing? I don't trust Kon and Chappy not to break it."
"Sure, I guess." Yuzu studied the life-like representation with interest. "That's the most detailed doll I've ever seen."
"Che, it acts like a real baby too. It spits up, it cries, and it farts to indicate it needs a diaper change. Urahara really went all out. I'm surprised he didn't make it really dirty its undergarments." What really surprised him was that it wasn't some type of gigai.
"Don't even suggest it," Rukia admonished. The last thing they needed was for the blond inventor to make alterations to the doll while they weren't looking. Since Isshin was in cahoots with Urahara, they had to be careful of what they said around the older Kurosaki. "I'm going to try to find a place for this."
"You might want to try Ichi-nii's room. There's really no more space in ours and I'm not going to lose sleep when that thing lets loose in the middle of the night." Karin walked away leaving the two older teens to exchange looks of horror.
"He didn't…" Rukia started."
"Want to bet?" Ichigo returned with annoyance. Together they dashed up stairs and surveyed his room. It was just as they'd feared. Where his TV stand used to be now sat his filing cabinet and where the filing cabinet had been, his desk took up the occupied space. Moving his work space had resulted in just enough room for a small bassinet like the ones that newborns were placed in at the hospital. If the daiko remembered correctly, his dad had one or two in the clinic. It had been decked out in lacy frills of blue and green, a "Welcome home, Grandson!" sign plastered on the end of it.
"Aside from the fact that your TV is no where to be found, he really didn't do too much damage." Rukia went to inspect the small bed, never having seen one before. While she had seen babies in the Seireitei due to being a noble, she hadn't been around any of the paraphernalia that went along with the tiny beings.
"Well, considering the fact that the doll will be waking us up in the middle of the night, I don't think we're going to have too much time to sit and watch anything anyway. Between that thing, school work, and Hollow exterminating, we'll be lucky to be able to keep our eyes open during the day." Sighing, the orange haired teen placed his bag on his desk and took out all the items that had come with the doll. A thick packet came out next, all the assignments that went along with their project.
"That's true. I suppose we should name this thing and do the rest of tonight's homework. What does the first worksheet say?" Rukia changed its diaper, wanting to prevent another howling fit. The mechanical baby had a volume control that was permanently set on "loud" when crying.
Looking over the list, Ichigo felt the tension leave his shoulders and neck. "It doesn't look too hard. We're supposed to name it and decide on legal guardians in the event something happens to us. Then we have to list everyone 'related' to the baby, whether they're alive or not." There was a sense of irony there that Ochi-sensei had no knowledge of.
"It is simple. We'll name him Byakuya after Nii-sama." Laying the doll in the bassinet, Rukia missed the disgust that came over Ichigo's face.
"No," he rejected. "We're not naming it after your brother. And before you ask, we're not naming it after Renji, Ukitake-san, or your old lieutenant." Ichigo remained unmoved by her glare.
"Well, we're not naming it after your dad or you either." She could feel her temper build. "So smarty, just what are we going to put down as Baby Boy Kurosaki's name?"
"I don't know but we'll figure something out. I just think that it should be unique to the child and represent what that child means to the parents."
Her anger deflated at that. He had grown up believing wholeheartedly in what his name meant and wanted something special for this child, even if it was just a doll. "All right. Don't you humans have some record or database that has a list of names we can look at?"
Ichigo's bedroom door burst open before he could answer, Isshin bounding in without permission. "I came to see my first grandchild. I knew that you two would be too surprised to name him before bringing him home, so I took the liberty of purchasing this brand new book of baby names. I needed a new one for the clinic anyway so it wasn't a bother."
The two young Shinigami stared at the six centimeter thick book in disbelief. Knowing that roughly half of the names presented were for boys, neither were overjoyed at the task ahead. "Gee, thanks, Dad. You made things so much easier."
"I thought it would." Isshin gave them a wide smile before leaving. While the name book was a good place to go for ideas, it often led to too many ideas and not enough agreement between the couple. The next few hours would be interesting.
Now that he had that handled, he had to go in search of that resident Shinigami that they had assigned to the town. Zennosuke Kurumadani wasn't the brightest bulb in the box but he would do nicely for the next part of Isshin's plan. Getting out of his specialized gigai, he made his way to the roof and waited until the unseated member of the Gotei Thirteen sensed him and came to check out what he was doing there.
"Who are you?" the afro haired Shinigami demanded, intimidated by the obviously superior reiatsu.
"I am Isshin Kurosaki. Surely you remember me from the war." considering that the final battle hadn't been all that long ago, it would have been worrisome if he hadn't.
"Kurosaki, Kurosaki… That name does sound familiar but I can't place it. What do you want?" The younger man scratched his head. "It's plain you were a captain. You can't need my help."
"Well, as to that, young man, I do indeed. You see, my son and his friends have this really important school project and they can't be running all over town taking out Hollows and doing konsos all night long. Since this project is going to make them sleep deprived as it is, I don't want them to get into trouble for falling asleep in class. So you, good sir, are going to have to step up to the plate and make sure to get all the Hollows that come around."
"That's my job! Not my fault those power filled humans get there before me." It was actually but now was not the time to argue.
"As I was saying, they'll be much too busy…" At that moment the wail of an infant reached both of them on the clinic's roof and Isshin was hard pressed to contain his excitement. "There, you see? The baby is terribly temperamental and they just can't be away from him for too long."
"Baby?" Kurumadani asked blankly. Stretching his senses, he felt the reiatsus of Ichigo and Rukia. "They have a baby?" he questioned. Captain Kuchiki wasn't going to like that.
"It's their project. The need to take care of him for at least a week."
"I see. You can count on me, Kurosaki-taicho. I will endeavor to do my utmost to ensure that they aren't disturbed." Saluting, the resident Shinigami left the older man.
"I know you will," he answered. The message had been sent and by the time it reached Byakuya's ears, it would be so distorted, the noble would have no choice but to investigate matters himself.
Ichigo and Rukia paused in their perusal of the baby name book to look out the window. Kurumadanicould be seen jumping over the roof tops away from their home. The baby had cried not a minute before and he would have been in the right position to hear the loud protests it gave. "You don't think he heard it, do you?" Ichigo asked hesitantly.
"How could he have failed to hear it?"
"We're in for it now. Who does he report to?"
"He's a member of my division although he isn't seated. The reports go to Third Seat Kotetsu. Why do you ask?"
"Kiyone Kotetsu? Just great. She'll get the report and then after informing Ukitake-san, she'll spread the news that we have an infant to that women's group of yours. Matsumoto will take the gossip, which by that time will probably be far from the truth, and gab it about the Seireitei until it's so distorted, there's no way to tell right from wrong. Of course, by that time Renji will have heard it and immediately set out to report his 'findings' to Byakuya." Whereupon the noble would plot to murder Ichigo in his sleep.
Rukia opened her mouth to protest the unjust accusations but had to refrain when she ran his words over again in her head. "Nii-sama will do the rational thing and investigate."
"Sure, and then he'll kill me."
"Don't be so melodramatic. Let's just name this stupid doll already. We'll worry about Nii-sama later." Exasperated, Rukia looked down her list. "What do you think about Raiden?"
Ichigo tilted his head in consideration before glancing at the list he'd started to make. "I liked that one too. Do you think it fits?" he inquired just as the doll let loose another scream.
"Oh, yeah, it fits."
"Then Raiden it is. Raiden Kurosaki."
It was a good thing that Ichigo and Rukia came to an agreement on their "son's" name so easily. They had just that much more time to enjoy being parents because Ichigo's assessment of what was going to happen thanks to the resident Shinigami was not far off. Kurumadani sent in his report and it landed in front of Kiyone shortly after being printed off in the Institute of Research and Development. She read the words, hardly able to believe what was in front of her. Running to her captain, the female third seat didn't even bother sparring with her partner when she met up with him.
Ukitake read the report, a smile creeping its way onto his pale lips. "You really should pass this along," he said quietly. "I do believe the sixth division will want to know about this." Byakuya was going to have a fit and fall into it when he found out.
"Yes, sir!" she shouted.
It really was too bad that the SWA didn't have a meeting that night. If Matsumoto had gotten a hold of the information, it would have forestalled Byakuya's knowledge of the situation. As it was, Renji heard the news from Kiyone's own lips and in his astonishment was only able to tell his captain six words:
"Ichigo and Rukia have a baby."
The normally composed noble carefully put down his brush and gazed at his lieutenant. "It seems that there will soon be one less Kurosaki in the universe to worry about."
"There's got to be some explanation, Captain! Rukia couldn't have been pregnant during the war." Now that he'd had a few seconds to think, the redhead was beginning to see the impossibility of the event. "Maybe Kurumadani meant that they were going to have a baby."
He knew immediately that he'd just made things worse. Zabimaru's wielder hoped that whatever the truth of the matter was, Ichigo was prepared for the consequences. The walking definition of imminent danger had just walked out of the room in a swirl of angry sakura blossoms.
"Ichigo, you are so dead."
A/N: Raiden means thunder and lightning.