A/N: A group to thank for reviews: Dark Inu Fan, JaegerjaquezLover101, XIce(dot)and(dot)SnowX, Rukia's Reflection, Shannon Hitsugaya, Thunder Claw03, Assault Godzilla, Kauru Kato, and amputated-heart. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. I have to apologize to IceandSnow, the dots in your penname don't want to appear correctly so I had to substitute the word for them. I'll fix your name that way in the previous listing tomorrow.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

Every Teen's Worst Nightmare

Baby's First

The brilliant and diabolical scientist sat across from the perverted and irresponsible doctor having tea. The only two in the room, they were free to laugh, plot, and in general enjoy the mayhem that was about to rain down on Karakura High's class 1-3 and most especially on the "Substitute Group." Yoruichi, who'd previously thought that the little project was an amusing way to tease one of her favorite students, had long since given up trying to understand the duo. She'd left their care to Tessai and had fled to someplace far, far away so that no one could blame her for their antics.

"Your dolls are really most ingenious," Isshin praised, looking over the blueprint sheet in front of him. "What do you think they're going to do when they find out that along with cognitive development, you've designed these things to exhibit physical traits too?"

"Knowing your son and his friends as I do, I'm sure there's going to be consequences of the painful variety involved." Eyes hidden by a striped hat smiled in anticipation. "I can almost see Ishida-kun threatening me with extermination."

"Have you been able to retrieve any of the data they've collected on their reiatsus?"

"Oh, I've been receiving data all along. Depending on the amount of spiritual energy the dolls have absorbed from their 'parents,' they will begin to exhibit abilities of their own in time."

"They're going to positively skewer you when they figure out just how 'special' their dolls are." Isshin cackled in enjoyment.

"Oh, I'm sure my life is in danger. So, how has Captain Kuchiki taken to being in a house with a crying infant?" Emptying the tea cup, Urahara pulled out a sake bottle and poured it in. No sense in dirtying another glass. Tessai would appreciate his thoughtfulness.

"I looked out the window this morning and saw all three of them wander down the street like zombies. It was hysterical to see the great Kuchiki noble only working at half his normal mental capacity."

"If that gave him fits, this is going to give him a heart attack." Isshin nodded at his friend's words and held out his own cup to indulge.

"Sometimes we can be positively mean, Kisuke."

"Maybe, but at least we're never bored."

Tatsuki and Chad were the first to discover the changes that "aging" the doll had created. The martial artist had left their "little girl" in Chad's care as she had her karate club, letting the other teen take it to her house where her mother could be counted on to provide help if needed. She liked having the gentle giant as a partner. He was smart and didn't complain about taking over if she had to be at practice. On the rare occasions when a Hollow popped up near her house, he even let her watch as he took care of it, although that had only happened twice since the beginning of the project. Apparently the afro-haired Shinigami assigned to protect the town was finally doing his job. Maybe that had something to do with Captain Kuchiki's presence. At least the man was good for something.

The short haired girl walked in the door to be met with a symphony of cries from the doll. Perhaps naming it "Hana" hadn't been the best choice but it had been such a quiet infant. "What the hell is going on?" Tatsuki demanded. "It was fine when I left."

At the sound of her voice, the crying immediately stopped. Chad came into view almost immediately, quiet desperation on his face while her mother stood to the side, a grin on hers. "It's been like this ever since you left." That one sentence was probably more than she'd heard all day out of her classmate. At least the project was getting him to open up more.

"She, dear. The doll is a girl and she just misses her mommy." Laughter filled the older woman's voice.

"Aa, Arisawa-san."

"Is this some sort of development caused by that 'aging' thing we did today?"

"Well, dear, if the inventor programed it to age between eight and eighteen months, then I would guess that your doll is now about eight or nine months old. Babies tend to get awful attached to their mothers during this time and don't like to be separated from them."

"Great, I have a clingy fake kid. Thanks, Urahara." Tatsuki patted the thing's back and wasn't too surprised to hear it burb loudly. The sound reminded her of the red haired kid at the candy shop. "Anything else we might want to be forewarned about, Mom?"

"Well, when you were that age, you were crawling." The house matriarch tapped her chin in thought. "You were all over the place at that age."

"Oh, joy. Remind me to kick Urahara's butt after this is all over," Tatsuki said to her partner and received a slight nod in return. Chad might shy away from violence on normal occasions but he was apparently going to make an exception to this. "Glad we're on the same page."

"Aa…"

"This is not normal," Ishida protested, watching their "child" struggle to stand. The Quincy and flower wielder made the frightening discovery of their growing doll around the time they came back to Orihime's apartment. They'd been setting out their homework and Handicrafts projects when the first development had occurred.

They had put the doll down on a blanket (something Ishida had whipped up without too much effort), and turned away. The next thing they'd found, baby "Kei" had turned onto his stomach and began pushing himself up on his knees. For several minutes, the two top students in the class had stared in astonishment at the sight.

"Well, it is Urahara-san's invention. And you did insist we spell his name to mean 'excellent, good, or skilled.' I guess you got what you wanted."

"It's still not normal, Inoue-san. If ours is doing this, what in heaven's name are the others doing? We know what Urahara is capable of but the rest of the class…" He shook his head, reaching out to push a cup out of reach.

"Oh, I doubt he would do something extraordinary to their dolls." The ginger haired girl quickly scribbled down what Kei was doing under "Your Baby's Firsts." The worksheet they'd been assigned had seemed innocuous enough when they'd looked at it. Her partner had obviously changed his mind. "If you're worried, we could always call him. Just in case Kuchiki-san needs to use her memory modifier on someone."

"I'm tempted," he said and sighed. "Unfortunately, I have the feeling that Urahara would just laugh it off as if it wasn't a problem. I wouldn't be surprised if he's anticipating mayhem as we speak."

"You really don't have much trust in him," Orihime said, a light scold in her voice.

Gesturing to the crawling electronic doll, the archer groaned silently. "Do you blame me?"

"I guess not," she allowed, tempted to summon her flowers just so that they could do their homework in peace. Kei made another effort to take something off the table and she instinctively scolded the doll. "No, Kei," she said, amazed when her voice stopped his actions. "Look at that, Ishida-kun, he knows his name."

Blue eyes softened at her excited tone, the male partner beginning to understand why he had agreed to stay with her for the duration of the project. "So I see. If I understand my research correctly, a child between the ages of ten and twelve months is responsive to his own name and is curious. The exploration the doll is doing is evidence of that."

Orihime laughed softly, picking the doll up to feed it. "Ma...ma."

"Oh, joy, it talks too," the Quincy said, his groan this time heartfelt and out loud. Orihime just laughed.

Raiden the doll was a "mama's boy." That was the conclusion Ichigo came to twenty minutes after they arrived home from school. It had developed the ability to talk only hours after they had "aged" the electronic baby. When they had set it down to eat lunch, its legs had unbent and Raiden had started to pull himself to his feet. Luckily no one had been paying attention to the Shinigamis' doll, or else they would have completely freaked out.

Rukia and Ichigo had seen a lot in the last nine months but an electronic doll that could transform was a bit much. Then again, having another animated object walking and talking really shouldn't have surprised them much. The daiko was just trying to pretend that Raiden was another Kon, minus the lecherous behavior.

"Ichigo, do something about this doll. It's clinging to me and I can't do my homework."

"What do you want me to do about it? Raiden screamed his head off when I tried to hold him. Just wait a little bit longer until I get this math homework done. I'll take him to see his 'uncle' after that."

Rukia scowled at him, making the orange haired teen's lips twitch in amusement. She was starting to switch personalities with him. "What do you find so funny, Strawberry? This doll is emulating you. Didn't Tatsuki once tell me you were a 'mama's boy' when you were little?"

"Hey! This doll is in no way like me. This stupid book Dad gave me says that a kid between twelve and eighteen months becomes very upset when it gets separated from its mother." They had run into his father on their way back to Byakuya's. The gregarious doctor had shoved the development book into the daiko's hands and gone off to Urahara's.

"Gee, just what I need." The petite Shinigami looked down, expecting to see the doll clinging to her waist, only to find it gone. "Ah, Ichigo… Where's Raiden?"

Dark amber eyes widened in surprise, not expecting their school project to just up and walk away. "Oh, shit."

"Kurosaki! You will remove this thing from my person." The sixth division captain's voice echoed through the house, a clear threat in his tone.

With only an exchanged glance, the partners dashed into Byakuya's office, finding the doll pinning the noble's arm against his side. "Hey look, Rukia, our son has defeated his first captain. Aren't you proud?"

"Kurosaki, as soon as this project is done, I am going to destroy this doll."

"Ban…kai."

"He said his first word," Rukia cooed, unable to help herself.

"And then, I am going to kill you," Byakuya continued. The teens only turned and left the doll with his "uncle." "Get back here you two!"

"Don't worry, Uncle Byakuya, we'll take him back after we're done with our homework," Ichigo called back, laughter in his voice. Even Rukia couldn't hide her amusement.

"Eriko!" The maid ignored her summons. This was too entertaining.

Alone in the room Ichigo was using, the teens collapsed against each other, laughing. Rukia couldn't help herself, for once not intimidated by her elder brother. It was difficult when the noble had been pinned down by an electronic doll that was supposed to be a toddler.

"Oh, that was priceless," Ichigo managed to gasp out, clinging to Rukia's smaller frame. Sliding down onto his futon, he pulled her into his arms. She continued to giggle, the sight of her brother at the mercy of a pretend baby too much.

"I could have sworn he'd be better at handling smaller children. Yachiru is always at the manor looking for candy."

"I hate to say it, but Yachiru isn't exactly a normal kid."

"True."

"Don't worry, midget, I'm sure by the time you have a kid of your own for real, Byakuya will have learned."

"You think so?" she questioned casually, hearing her brother's shouts of indignation.

"Eh, maybe not," he answered when the next "Bankai" to come out of someone's mouth wasn't Raiden's. "Let's go rescue the doll."

"Are you sure we're rescuing our project?"

"That's questionable," he agreed, pulling open the nearest shoji door to find that their "son" had created a mess trying to get away from his "uncle." "I guess there is one upside to all of this," he continued.

"What's that?" Rukia asked, opening her arms, not surprised when the doll raced on shaking legs to her. Urahara really had made them life-like.

"Children twelve to eighteen months should sleep all night."

"Praise be."

As far as the raven haired girl could see, that was the only good thing to come of their "child" growing older.