A/N: A dozen to thank for reviews: JaegerjaquezLover101, Shannon Hitsugaya, Rukia's Reflection, Melibells, Eilyn, Eradona, Dark Inu Fan, Reason to Scatter, Kira michi, Bleached-Whale, Kaoru Kato, novicestar, and Assault Godzilla. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. The next time I try to predict when the next chapter is coming out; remind me to check my calendar. Either that, or just shoot me.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright law to Tite Kubo et al.

Every Teen's Worst Nightmare

It Takes a Village

The "Substitute Group" was the only collection of teens to have the option of dropping their electronic children at the babysitter's the next morning. Unfortunately, the babysitter in question was the unlucky Eriko, Byakuya's maid that had been with them from the moment she'd come to the World of the Living. Having three dolls (thankfully in "babysitter" mode) was no picnic but she was the only one the six spiritually empowered teens trusted to watch over them while they were in school. Especially since all three dolls were beginning to display distinctly abnormal abilities for children under two years.

"It's not fair," Keigo complained, watching the three couples relax for the first time in days.

"Che, you're just jealous that you still have to bring your eight month old along," Ichigo returned, not bothered by the fact that his friend was unhappy. "Besides, it's not like we can have a doll that runs around and clings to Rukia all day in school. The other teachers have been surprisingly tolerant about this project but I think a walking, talking toddler that has a computer for a brain is pressing things a little too far." He didn't mention that their twelve month old liked to wander about shouting "Bankai!" every chance he got. Then there was the new little quirk of emitting some strange reiatsu. Rukia had freaked out that morning before leaving because she hadn't been able to understand how a doll could exude what appeared to be a mixture of his and hers.

The only answer they could come up with (Urahara had once again stopped answering his phone) was that there was some sort of reiatsu collector in the doll that was mixing their energies. The explanation had calmed the petite Shinigami down and breakfast had proceeded with as little fuss as could be with a fake baby wandering around wanting attention. Everything would have been fine too if Raiden hadn't wandered over to Kei when Orihime and Ishida had arrived and pushed the other doll over while uttering something that sounded like "Quincy." That had led to the realization that the other couple's doll was generating a mixture of the archer's spiritual pressure and the flower wielder's. Both girls had immediately shivered and declared that there was something weird about their children.

Ishida had exchanged glances with Ichigo before demanding to know what was going on. Afterwards he had muttered something about the dolls beginning to act just a little too much like "Chucky" and that Urahara had better not have programmed any violent tendencies into the computers of the electronic babies. He'd gone on to say that that was probably hoping for too much as he'd obviously made the dolls specifically for collecting data on them and programing them to exhibit characteristics similar to that of their parents.

For once Ichigo had agreed and had absently ordered his "son" to stop pushing other kids around. The rebuke in his voice must have gotten through because the "elder" doll had patted the "younger" in apology and the two had begun playing nicely. Eriko had seen the whole thing and after making sure they were both in "babysitter" mode, she'd taken them off to the room Byakuya had had prepared for the project.

A similar experience had happened with the arrival of Chad and Tatsuki although thankfully their doll was still at an age where she was wasn't doing much but being clingy with her "mother." Although unappreciated by the martial artist, it was far better than the walking, and talking the other two were doing. Hana was also generating some reiatsu of her own, bringing the six spiritually charged teens to the undoubted conclusion that Urahara was running one of his experiments that often caused trouble for them.

Byakuya had looked on the whole mess with as much dignity and stoicism as possible considering that he hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night. Although their doll had aged to a degree that should have had him sleeping the entire night, he was now to a stage of development that threw temper tantrums when he didn't like something. Since the computer inside the doll was recording how well the students were taking care of it, dressing and some light bathing were necessary even though they had been told not to wash it. Then again, when the doll was covered with who-knows-what, there was little choice.

Much to the detriment of their sanity, they'd found that twelve month old Raiden did not like baths. The twisted scientist must have taken great pleasure in his scheme to make the Shinigami partners take care of a doll who screamed louder than any human child they'd ever met. It had been so loud that Ichigo's father had come rushing over, intent on rescuing his "grandson" from his incompetent parents and uncle.

Ichigo could just bet that all the mothers in the neighborhood were wondering what had happened to cause an innocent child to cry and carry on with such distress. It was just another thing to add to the list of reasons and justifications for beating the ex-captain to a bloody pulp once this was all over.

"Ichigo, you aren't listening to me!" Keigo complained, finally drawing the daiko out of his memories.

"Please, Keigo, be quiet. If you think your kid cries a lot, you ought to hear ours. Raiden screamed bloody murder for almost three hours straight last night."

"Actually, Honsho took the doll home last night. I had a blissful night's sleep." The other students around the brunet looked at him with a mixture of envy and disgust.

"You shouldn't brag, Asano," Ishida interjected, joining the conversation despite his natural inclination. Homeroom had yet to start and the Quincy was tempted to take a nap. "I might be tempted to suspend you from a high place with one of my arrows. After all, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and my judgment isn't all that great so early in the morning." The threat was all the more effective because he said it with a straight face.

"Ishida-kun, don't threaten him, he's your friend," Orihime chided gently.

"Since when?" the Quincy grumbled back but subsided nonetheless. Spending time with the ginger haired girl had really softened him.

"He's right, you know, Asano," Tatsuki said, stretching her mouth open in a fake smile that displayed all of her teeth. "We're already going to lambaste Urahara-san. One more wouldn't be any trouble." Chad stood silently next to her but it was clear that the lack of sleep was thinning his normally patient demeanor.

"Ah…sure, my bad." Keigo returned to his seat to contemplate the unfairness of everything silently.

Rukia had watched the whole thing without comment, struggling without much luck to keep her eyes open. Her brother had not looked happy when they left this morning. If it hadn't meant a failing grade on her part, he would most likely have used his deadly sakura blossom blades on the doll the moment Raiden started screaming the night before. As it was, she rather thought he was going to develop a permanent tick because of his need to suppress his anger for the mechanical beast.

"Oi, you all right, Rukia?" Concerned amber eyes skimmed over her slim form, noting her less than enthusiastic response to the daily nonsense.

"I'll be so glad when this is all over."

"Indeed," a quiet baritone seconded, its owner taking perverse delight in seeing both the daiko and the Quincy start in their seats. "Take your seats and hand in your worksheet from the parenting assignment." Byakuya's voice brooked no argument and several of the girls sighed in sympathy.

"Kuchiki-sensei, are you feeling all right?" one brave soul inquired. Those who knew the captain's true identity had to resist the urge to laugh sardonically. The noble had given up wearing his hair ornaments, instead pulling his hair back in a simple ponytail in an effort to look professional and to eliminate the necessity of spending a great deal of time on his ablutions. He'd learned sometime between midnight and dawn that having his kenseikan forcefully pulled out was not something he wanted to happen. He had thankfully put up his scarf, the family heirloom hidden away so that nothing could be upchucked on it in the rare case that he held (or caught) the electronic doll. Rukia and Ichigo had both gone into hysterics when he'd first held the doll, neither wanting the "child" to projectile vomit the staining mixture Urahara had created onto the rare and valuable cloth.

"Your concern is noted, but unnecessary. I am as well as can be expected in this situation." Byakuya stood silently while the papers were passed in; noting absently that most of the pairs had written things for their babies' firsts that resembled the same things Ichigo had mentioned the day before. Only the "Substitute Group" had advanced occurrences such as crawling and walking.

"I believe that's the last one, Kuchiki-taicho," Orihime said. "So, what's next?"

Consulting his notes, the captain barely restrained a groan. "How many of you have heard the expression 'It takes a village to raise a child?'" Several hands were raised and he was thankful at least he wasn't going to have to spend all day explaining it.

"Please tell me that you're not telling us what I think you are," Ichigo pleaded.

Rukia sat forward, interested in what the two males were getting at. "Ichigo, what are you talking about?"

"That saying doesn't necessarily mean a village literally. As a child grows, there are a lot of people who will influence his or her development. Take Yachiru for example. She's growing up around a bunch of men. Men who love fighting and little else, except for Yumichika. And even then, he's not much better. Family is a great influencer."

"So?"

"So, our next assignment has to do with the first. Do you remember the relatives that we listed?" Ichigo cringed, remembering the argument they'd had about adding Renji to the list.

Panicked, the petite Shinigami surged out of her seat. "Nii-sama, please tell me the next step isn't to take the doll to meet family."

Byakuya rubbed his aching temple, and looked at his little sister ruefully. "I am afraid that is exactly what is in order, Rukia."

Ichigo and Rukia exchanged looks and slumped in their seats. Ichigo's family, except for his sisters and father were dead and finding them in the Rukongai was impossible in the time frame that they had. Rukia's only family was her brother and the clan by extension, including Renji. That meant that the only extended "family" they had to take the doll to were those they were close to in the Gotei Thirteen.

"I really pity you, Kurosaki," Ishida said, feeling the daiko's pain. At least he and Orihime had the excuse of being without family except for his father. That was going to be a short and tense meeting.

Tatsuki gazed at the two Shinigami with understanding. "It's going to be chaos, isn't it?"

"You have no idea," Chad said, his voice showing that he was still a little taken back by the antics of the Soul Society's military. He still had nightmares about his encounter with Captain Kyōraku while rescuing Kuchiki-san from execution. The captain had actually offered him sake in an attempt to keep him from his task.

"As long as the twelfth division is kept far away, we should be okay, right, Rukia?" Ichigo's hesitant question was met with disbelief. "Yeah, I was afraid of that."

A child might need a "village," but fake or real, it definitely did not need the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.