A/N: A group to thank for reviews: Bleached-Whale, novicestar, Rukia's Reflection, Dark Inu Fan, Sadie(dot)spotty, Assault Godzilla, XIce-and-SnowX, Kaoru Kato, MaN6A10v3r, Rabe Addler, and BlackGryphon101. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. This one isn't quite as funny as the last but still chuckle worthy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
Time to Meet the Family, Part One
Some days it just didn't pay to get out of bed, Nanao thought, holding the electronic toddler and standing in the hall of the thirteenth division with her captain while the Kuchiki siblings chased the Shinigami daiko around Seireitei trying to kill him. She supposed it had been rather foolish of the young man to send the noble first into what Kurosaki knew to be a lion's den of gossip and nosy Shinigami. Unfortunately, she had more pressing matters to attend to than to stand by and watch a sixteen year old human get gutted for his idiocy.
"Ah, my sweet Nanao looks absolutely maternal standing there holding the baby." Shunsui saw her eye twitch in a sure sign of annoyance but couldn't prevent himself from going one step further. "Come, let us return to our division and practice being parents." She had rejected his idea the first time he'd suggested it but maybe if he said it often enough, it'd wear her down.
"BakudÅ Number Sixty-three: Sajo Sabaku!" The chain-like shaped energy wrapped around the obnoxious captain, trapping his arms and throwing off his balance. With a little tweaking, Nanao was able to adjust the spell so that they also encircled his legs. Shunsui fell to the floor ungracefully, the thud echoing throughout the hall.
His undignified yelp had both third seats, who watched the whole thing with mounting fascination, dropping their jaws in astonishment. They knew that at times the lieutenant hit her captain for his comments but they had never actually seen her do something like this. She must have been truly at the end of her patience to attack him. "Nanao-chan!" he whined, only to receive a deadly glare, all the more effective for it coming from behind her glasses.
"Do not call me that. I will take this doll back to his 'parents.' You, Captain, will return to the office and finish your paperwork."
"So you'll let me go?" he asked meekly, not wanting to make her any madder than she already was. His second in command was lethal with her kido skills.
"I am sure as one of the oldest captains, you can get yourself out. Either that, or you can wait until Captain Ukitake arrives." Without another word she left, intent on tracking the two young Shinigami down who were supposed to be taking care of the doll.
Twenty minutes after trying to evade Rukia and Byakuya, Ichigo was crouched in pain in the medical relief station being treated by Unohana. The siblings had caught up with him as he'd detoured to avoid Kenpachi, letting both Senbonzakura and Sode no Shirayuki have at his hide. The orange haired war hero now had cuts and slashes all over his body, not to mention the serious case of hypothermia that had him wrapped in a heated blanket while the captain's kido patched him back together.
"My, Kurosaki-san, you certainly made them angry. Whatever did you do?" The motherly woman finished binding a particularly nasty gash while waiting for his answer.
"You probably know about that stupid Health project our teacher gave us, right? The where we have to take care of a doll for a week or two to know what it's like to be young parents?" As the warmth settled into his bones again, he straightened up so that he was looking her in the eye.
"I do believe I heard something of that nature, yes."
"I knew that when Byakuya came back here he'd be bombarded by questions since a lot of people seemed to think Rukia and I had either become instant parents or were going to be parents. I let him take the brunt of the interrogation and apparently he got mobbed. Neither Rukia nor Byakuya appreciated it."
"I see," the fourth division captain said, closing her eyes until she was looking at him out of slits. "That wasn't very nice of you, now was it?" Her tone did not change from the concerned inflection she had used ever since he'd stumbled into the division but her aura was another matter entirely.
Gulping loudly, Ichigo finally understood why everyone save possibly the soutaicho was terrified of her. "I guess not but I knew that everyone would think that the situation was far from what it actually was and I wanted Byakuya to have a dose of it for once. Besides, I've had to live with him for the past few days and have him as a substitute teacher. I was just getting a little back at him for being a jerk."
Unohana stared at him a while longer before sighing softly. "I see," she said again. The daiko reminded her a lot of the Kuchiki noble when he was younger, not that she would say so. "You should apologize nonetheless."
"I'm getting that feeling," he agreed, pulling out a piece of the sakura blade from his shoulder that he'd missed. Blood oozed briefly before the healer closed the wound.
"Now then, just so the SWA has the full story, what exactly does this doll do?" With apparent mild curiosity, the captain stripped off her gloves and handed Ichigo a cup of hot tea. His naturally hot reiatsu would finish the job of ridding his body of the hypothermia.
"Urahara made the doll, so it does a whole lot more than an average kid's toy. It cries like you wouldn't believe, it burps, farts, spits up some god-awful concoction that stains clothes, and it ages. Not just mentally but physically too. The computer inside it changes the way it moves, there's some sort of reiatsu collection device in it that has combined my spiritual energy with Rukia's and ours now walks and talks. Not only that but his hair and eyes have changed to be a genetic possibility of what a child's features would actually be if Rukia and I did have a kid. The doll started out with dark eyes and sandy brown hair and now has the midget's eyes and my mother's hair. I mean, sure some kids' hair and eyes change as they age but never to this degree this fast." Feeling the last of the cold leave him, Ichigo finished his tea and sat the cup down on the nearby table.
"My, that is ingenious. He always was a bright boy. Too clever for his own good, as we all found out." She refilled his cup, pouring one for herself.
"Say, Unohana-san, what do you have to do with that women's group?"
"Didn't Kuchiki-san ever tell you? I'm the chairman." Amber eyes blinked at her once before he shivered in apprehension.
"No wonder the men's group fears you. With you and Yachiru as the leaders, you really are a formidable group of women." He vaguely remembered Rukia telling him about the SWA at one point in the past but he hadn't been listening to everything she'd said.
"Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment. Lieutenants Ise and Kurotsuchi are co-vice presidents, so we have a very talented group of ladies." Unohana looked out the window briefly before turning back. "Speaking of Lieutenant Ise, I believe she is coming here now."
An intensely angry reiatsu blasted over Ichigo's senses and he almost whimpered. It occurred to him only for a moment to ask for asylum from the healer before he caught the amusement in her eyes. "Kurosaki-san!" Nanao stormed into the room, the doll held away from her body. Raiden was screaming loud enough to wake the dead, and there was a telltale streak of something running from her shoulder to her waist that couldn't be anything but toddler spit-up.
"Ise-san," Ichigo croaked.
"You will take this 'child' back immediately. From the moment I left the thirteenth division it has done nothing but scream, cry, and throw up."
"Sorry about that," he apologized, taking the toddler from her. "I must have forgotten to turn on the 'babysitter' mode before I gave him over." Raiden immediately hushed, small whimpers signaling an end to his tears.
Nanao narrowed her eyes at him but didn't say anything about his faulty memory. "I do hope that you need not visit my division again with that doll."
"No, ma'am. We only came to make the rounds. The only people that'll have the spend more time with him are the ones at Byakuya's place, and maybe Rukia's division."
"Good." Turning on her heal, she left, only remembering to bow to Unohana when she was already out of the room.
Sighing, Ichigo faced the fourth division leader one more time. Raiden gazed at her long braid in curiosity, reaching out as if to touch it. "Raiden, let me introduce you to Captain Unohana. Unohana-san, this is Raiden, the one and half year old super doll."
"Nice to meet you," she said, allowing the electronic child to take her finger. "I can tell that his name fits him quite well. He certainly does have characteristics similar to you and Kuchiki-san." There was laughter in her voice when she said it. "Well, if you're all set, Kurosaki-san, I do have to go back to my duties but don't forget to stop by Isane's office and introduce this young one to her."
"Sure. Thanks again, Unohana-san." Strapping Zangetsu to his back again, he bowed politely.
"You're quite welcome, Kurosaki-san. Have a nice day." She watched him go, the doll peeking over his shoulder at her. Once he was out of earshot, she laughed quietly. Things were never boring when Ichigo Kurosaki was around.
She wondered who would encounter the child next.
A/N: Sajo Sabako means Locking Bondage Stripes. It's supposed to be similar to Bakudo #4 but stronger. This spell binds the arms of a target.