A/N: Who to thank? Well, that would be: hollownature, ADV4life, JaegerjaquezLover101, novicestar, Dark Inu Fan, Eradona, Thunder Claw03, Rukia's Reflection, Darthjontan, Bleached-Whale, Assault Godzilla, and ShadowSword524. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists. It finally let me finish writing it! Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
Time to Meet the Family, Part Two
Ichigo met Rukia outside the General Relief Station, her violet eyes still snapping in anger. It briefly occurred to him to say something corny like "You're beautiful when you're angry," but figured that would open a whole other can of worms. She'd probably think that he had lost his mind and march him right back to Unohana.
"I see you're still in one piece," she growled, evidently displeased with him.
"Look, I'm sorry for offering up your precious 'Nii-sama' to the masses but I didn't think he'd literally get mobbed." He handed the doll to her, figuring that she wouldn't hit him if her hands were occupied.
"Humph, make sure you apologize when we get to Nii-sama's. We need to return to the estate anyway, it's almost dinner time."
Joy, he thought. Just what I wanted to do, sit through an excruciating meal with the noble. The sixth division captain would no doubt take the opportunity to list his failings. Renji would no doubt be there just to add salt in his wounds. "Let's get this over with," he sighed, following her to the estate.
Giving a delicate sniff, Rukia marched angrily towards her brother's mansion. "You make it sound like your walking to your own execution."
"If it was my execution, midget, I'd be kicking and screaming." And that was only after they had beaten him in battle.
"I meant metaphorically, baka."
"I know," he snapped back. "I agreed to come because of our project. I don't have to like staying with your uptight brother, Rukia."
"As long as you're polite, I don't care if you like it." Rukia stopped before the doors to the property and turned to him. Raiden had settled into what passed for sleep, leaving them free to argue.
"Bossy, midget," he returned, most of his ire gone. He pushed the door open for her, not waiting for the guards to do it for them. No one at the Kuchiki estate particularly liked him. However, for the sake of peace, he'd be "polite" to her brother. "As long as he's polite to me, I'll be polite to him."
"I guess that's all I can expect," she sighed. She didn't think they'd ever get along without someone breathing down their necks. Or at least, breathing down Ichigo's. No one would ever dare do that to her brother. Well, maybe the soutaicho but he was an exception.
"Rukia!" a familiar loud voice shouted, drawing her out of her thoughts. Renji ran up to them, skidding to a stop when he caught sight of the doll. "So that's the doll," he said, looking at it with apprehension.
"Yes, his name is Raiden. He won't bite," Ichigo said although he wasn't positive about that. With something made by Urahara, one never knew and it was supposed to be a one and half year old. If he remembered correctly, one of the twins (probably Karin) had gone through a brief phase of biting when she didn't like something.
"Heh, it even looks like you too. Does Taicho know?" Renji poked it, startled when it let out a whimper.
"Come to think of it, did he see the doll's change before he left?" The war hero looked at his partner, seeing her eyes widen. "He didn't, did he?"
"No, he left before Eriko brought him out of the nursery."
"Is there a reason why you are standing out in the courtyard instead of coming in to dinner?" a baritone voice asked. It was calm and cool although anyone who knew the noble well could tell that he was not happy at the moment.
"Nii-sama! We just got here, that's all. Renji met us and asked us a question. I will give Raiden to one of the servants and change immediately." Rukia gave a quick bow and left before his sharp eyes could linger on the doll.
"I see you had the courage to come, Kurosaki. A shocking result as you seemed too cowardly to face the earlier questions."
Wanting to shove the noble's face into the dirt, Ichigo reined in his temper for Rukia's sake. Despite what he'd said, he didn't want to be at odds with her brother. Byakuya might try to take her from him again. Why that bothered him so much was still unclear but he didn't want anything coming between him and the one who had changed his world for the better. "Look, Byakuya, I didn't think you'd actually be run over by a mob of fan girls, so I'm sorry about that but I did want you to be the one to be questioned. Your answers would have been believed a lot faster than ours."
"I see. I will accept your apology. A noble's word is more believable than a ryoka's." Byakuya missed the grimace his statement caused and merely turned to reenter the mansion. Renji followed, glancing over his shoulder at Ichigo's enraged face.
"Hey, look at it this way. At least no one believes Rukia's pregnant." The lieutenant was lifted off of his face by the daiko, his captain not far behind the orange haired Shinigami.
"Who started that ridiculous rumor? I'll slaughter them." Ichigo watched guilt infuse his friend's face. "Renji…" he began in warning.
"I didn't start it per se but I happened to make a comment while in Rangiku-san's hearing after Captain Kuchiki left and well…"
"That doesn't explain why Byakuya thought she might be pregnant when he came blasting into my room the other night."
"Well, I'm afraid that one is my fault. I was trying to reassure him and it didn't work."
"Rukia will kill you when she finds out."
"We don't have to mention this to her, do we?" the redhead asked hopefully.
"Mention what to me?" Rukia met them in the dining room, the servants already setting out the meal.
"It is of no concern, Rukia," Byakuya stated, wanting to avoid his staff seeing an angry petite Shinigami. While she tried to be the perfect noble in the way she acted around the estate, her temper was short when it came to certain matters.
"If you say so, Nii-sama."
"You're lucky Byakuya doesn't want her to lose her temper," Ichigo whispered harshly to Renji before the two sat across from the siblings and began their meal.
"I know." Grateful for the sake the maid was pouring for him, the baboon wielding Shinigami decided to indulge. The next hour was not going to be a good one.
Ichigo stared up at the ceiling hours later and contemplated what chaos would come the next morning. Byakuya had ordered his room to be on the other side of the mansion from Rukia, some sort of brotherly intention to keep him from sneaking into her room in the middle of the night leading to her being the only one to tend to the doll's needs until morning. Why the noble had the sudden urge to protect his sister's chastity, Ichigo didn't know but the daiko could care less at the moment. It didn't help that Byakuya had made a point of telling him where his room was. The only thing he wanted was a good night's sleep. He was still sore from the beating he'd taken from the Kuchiki siblings.
When Rukia obtained her bankai, she'd be a formidable opponent and he would have to be careful not to anger her again to the point of having Sode no Shirayuki released on him. And he knew she would obtain her ultimate release one of these days. Maybe after the project was done with, he'd suggest they train together. Wouldn't her brother be surprised to learn that she'd achieved it? Then he really wouldn't have any excuse for not letting her take a seat in her division. The daiko wouldn't be surprised if by the time he came here permanently she was a captain.
Chuckling quietly, he rolled over one more time and let sleep begin to take over. As long as he didn't end up in the squad she was in charge of, he'd be the first to champion her nomination. She already bosses me around at home; I don't want her to do it forever at work too. The stray thought was the last thing he remembered before slumber took him beyond the veil, its significance lost on the young man.
Rukia was bleary eyed the next morning, her brother's machinations to keep Ichigo out of her room having prevented him from helping her with a suddenly fussy toddler. She ate breakfast silently, thankful that Ichigo was handling the doll. He looked bright eyed but wisely kept his mouth shut. They were alone as her brother had already finished his meal and left for his division before they were even awake.
"So, where to first?" Ichigo reached out to pick up his half empty tea cup and gazed at his petite partner.
"I don't know. How do we decide who is 'family' and who isn't?"
"Wouldn't it be easier just to introduce him to all the captains and lieutenants? It's not like I've had much interaction with any others. Your two third seats, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Hanatarou being the exception."
"This would be so much easier if they were all in one place," Rukia sighed and wished that she could go back to sleep.
"Aren't you glad I thought of that?" Renji's voice came from the entrance, startling both of its 'live' occupants. "Heh, you look like crap, Rukia."
One violet eye cracked open to glare at him, promising imminent death if he said any more. When he turned to look at Ichigo, he was met with two amber orbs saying the same thing. "Really, now?" the daiko drawled, the tone of his voice showing his doubt.
"Yeah, everyone you know is gathering in the lieutenants' meeting room. I figured that would make it easier and save time." Renji grinned as if it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Ichigo didn't voice his thoughts but nodded, willing to take the opportunity. Whatever saved him the hassle of carting the doll around the Seireitei. Maybe that way, Kenpachi wouldn't try to fight him. He'd already had enough of running for his life yesterday.
"Let's go, then." Standing, the orange haired war hero pulled his partner to her feet, waiting until she was steady before letting go. Rukia smiled briefly in thanks and together, the trio of Shinigami left with the doll.
Ichigo had never been to the lieutenants' meeting room so was slightly surprised that it looked more modern than he'd supposed. Sitting at the table were the captains that hadn't met Raiden, their subordinates standing behind them. Even Yamamoto had put in an appearance, his eyes closed most of the way as usual. While the daiko would have assumed he'd had better things to do then help a human with his high school project, Ichigo shrugged it off as the old man being curious.
"Hi guys," he greeted, ignoring the disapproving scowl shot his way by Soi Fon. She had never liked him and he didn't quite know why. "Listen, you probably are wondering why we're here. My teacher got it into her head to make her students pretend to be parents for a week or two."
"Kuchiki-taicho already explained that, Kurosaki," Toushiro said, annoyance stamped clearly on his face.
"Yeah, I know. Did he get to explain that we have to introduce him to our 'family?' My dad and sisters met the doll when we brought him home so I had to figure out some extended family to put in the project. Rukia and I don't have any other immediate family but them and Byakuya. The Kuchiki elders didn't exactly welcome Raiden with open arms last night." Dinner the night before had been a tense affair, the elders giving Ichigo and the doll the same polite condescension that they did to Rukia. "So, we chose those members of the Gotei that had helped us in the past."
"And anyone else Nii-sama deemed appropriate," Rukia put in hastily.
"Of course we'll help you!" Rangiku Matsumoto said cheerfully. "Come to Auntie, Raiden!" she continued, holding out her arms to the doll. Raiden's electronic eyes honed in on her assets and went willingly. Urahara had obviously added some unique programming along the way. "He's so cute!"
"Looks like he could be your kid for real, Ichigo," Ikkaku commented. "How'd Captain Kuchiki take to him looking like you and Kuchiki?"
"Ah, well…" Ichigo scratched the back of his head in nervousness. Byakuya had not exactly been pleased with the development when he'd finally realized what had happened. "Would you mind it if Urahara died a painful death?" he asked.
"No," Soi Fon said bluntly, studying the doll with wariness. Didn't babies throw up a lot?
"I thought I felt an intense killing intent," Yamamoto mused.
"Yeah…" Was it him or had the old man just chuckled?
"Ichi, Ichi, can I play with him?" Yachiru bounced over to him, using the seated captains' heads as spring boards. Settling on top of his head, she leaned over to look at him upside down.
"Sorry, squirt, but he isn't real. You might end up breaking him." It wouldn't have been a bad idea but for the large grade hanging over their heads.
"No, I wouldn't! We'd just play like you and Kenny!"
"That's what he means, Lieutenant. Do you remember the last doll you were given?" her fifth seat asked. "It was a horrific sight, not at all beautiful."
"But Braid-san could put him back together."
"I'm afraid, Yachiru-chan, that I cannot fix something that isn't real but I thank you for the confidence in my abilities." Unohana smiled gently at the young lieutenant and her odd innocence. She had already met the doll but figured her services might be needed if something like yesterday occurred again. Isane had been left in charge of the division, still traumatized by her introduction to the doll.
"Then when you and Little Kuchiki have a real kid can I play with it?" she asked, causing several chuckles and a great deal of choking on Ichigo and Rukia's part.
"Ah, sure." There was no way Rukia would ever let her children within a ten foot radius of the eleventh division until they knew shunpo and could call forth their Zanpakutou. It was one thing that she knew Ichigo would have agreed with wholeheartedly.
"Okay, then I'll wait." The pink haired menace returned to her surrogate father who for his part seemed bored with the whole thing.
The baby got inspected by everyone who hadn't met it, earning different reactions from the captains and lieutenants, depending on their personalities and relationship to Ichigo. Even Kurotsuchi studied the doll's workings, contemplating dissection. "Hmm, I could use this for research. Do you mind if I open him up?"
"Don't you dare!" Ichigo shuddered, thankful when Matsumoto snatched the defenseless toddler from his evil clutches. Raiden, his sensors reacting to the demonic quality of the scientist's reiatsu, began to cry.
"Ah, now, now. You don't have to cry," Rangiku soothed, patting his back. She bounced him up and down, trying to prevent the level of tears from reaching its all-time high. Nanao had warned her that morning.
"Ah, Matsumoto-fukutaicho, perhaps I should take him," Rukia offered, afraid that he would spit up on her uniform.
"Rangiku-san, if you keep doing that, he might…" Ichigo trailed off as projectile vomit was released. Honestly, how much of that crap was in the doll? He watched in dawning horror as the majority of the liquid landed on Toushiro as he was unfortunately the closest. Hisagi got the next brunt of the toddler's attack while everyone else either used kido or speed to avoid getting splashed. Matsumoto, for her part was once again not harmed.
Yet.
"Matsumoto!" her captain shouted, a vein pulsing in his forehead while his childhood friend tried to wipe off the mess. The room immediately had a drop in temperature.
Yamamoto sat back and grinned to himself, enjoying the chaos that the meeting had fallen into. His lieutenant leaned over to whisper in his ear, wondering how something so simple could cause so much trouble. "Is this what you expected, sir?"
"Aa," the old man said, not bothering to hide his laughter. There was enough noise to cover his amusement. "Things are never boring with Kurosaki around."
Sasakibe sighed, straightening to try to bring order to the room. It was a good thing too because Toushiro was now threatening his lieutenant with maximum punishment for her stunt. Hisagi was trying to defend her while Ayasegawa tried to calm his pint sized lieutenant and prevent her from making a bigger mess of the spit up by playing in it. "Settle down, everyone."
Ichigo and Rukia had taken the doll back and were cleaning it up, wondering if they could make a discreet and quick exit but their way was blocked by Renji who was enjoying the spectacle. "Ichigo, you sure do know how to make a ruckus," he said unwisely.
"It's not my fault, you pineapple head. We tried to warn her!" Wanting to get in some of his own, Ichigo took a threatening step towards the redhead.
To avoid being pummeled, Renji backed up, his hands raised in surrender. Everything would have been fine except that in his back stepping he bumped into Komamura who had been trying to leave. The large captain slipped on a puddle of vomit, previously unnoticed, and fell backwards into the nearest person—Kenpachi.
As it was, things just went downhill from there.