A/N: A nice group to thank for reviews: YellowWomanontheBrink, bleach-otaku, novicestar, Rukia's Reflection, Thunder Claw03, Assault Godzilla, curio cherry, xJICx, Dark Inu Fan, kurukurupa, hollownature, Iceflame55, and Shiso no Kitsune. And thank you to anyone who put this or its author on their lists. I know that I've been gone quite a while and I apologize. Between health concerns and losing two people I cared a lot about, I just didn't feel like writing, especially something that was supposed to mostly humorous. However, I'm feeling better now so my stories should be getting updated again. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.
Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
I Told You So
Ichigo looked like death warmed over the next morning. Rukia gleefully reminded him of his mistake every time her brother wasn't paying attention. The only reason the daiko wasn't snapping back was because it was taking all of his energy just to stay awake and avoid Byakuya's cutting remarks. Both Kuchiki siblings had stared at him over the breakfast table like he was an idiot although only the younger had actually voiced her opinion. The noble had waited until they were on their way to school before beginning to lecture him.
It had occurred to him briefly to tell the captain off but that would have brought up exactly why Byakuya didn't have any children of his own and as much as he was still conflicted about how he felt about Hisana, he wasn't about to upset Rukia. So he had held his tongue and let the twenty-eighth head of the Kuchiki clan have his say. Right before he'd promptly ignored him in favor of hitting the coffee shop.
"Perhaps Kurosaki will be so gracious as to explain what happens when you let a toddler nap far longer than he should." Byakuya made sure that all expression was wiped from his face, pretending an innocence all of the "Substitute Group" knew he didn't possess.
"Very funny, sensei." Apparently the lecture on the way to school had been too short for the noble's liking.
"I see a perfect example of what Kurosaki looks like when he doesn't listen to Kuchiki-san," Ishida jibed and didn't bother to hide his laughter.
"Shove it," Ichigo growled.
"Kurosaki-kun, that wasn't nice," Orihime chided gently. She missed the incredulous looks from her friends when she sided with Ishida against Ichigo.
Ichigo's temper spiked but he didn't say anything back. The Rikka wielder rarely scolded him and when he and Ishida argued, she tried to play peacemaker rather than side with one male. "Che," he finally muttered before burying his head in his textbook.
"You have not answered, Kurosaki," Byakuya prodded.
"You want to know what happens when a toddler naps for three hours straight? He becomes a parent's worst nightmare. Doll or not, Raiden bounced off the walls until two in the morning. It was worse than when he was supposed to be an infant. I'm running on caffeine and will power here. Don't press your luck." Not even the "babysitter" mode had helped. The maids had given him death glares that he swore they'd learned from Byakuya and Ichigo had silently vowed never to repeat that mistake again. If he did, he knew that his clothes would stay dirty or worse get shrunk and his food would be burnt or laden with some gods-awful ingredient reminiscent of Inoue's cooking.
"That wasn't too hard, now was it?" Byakuya asked, a slight smirk appearing in his eyes.
"Oh, yeah, and you get a pretend brother-in-law who keeps making digs at you for the rest of the day." Several of his classmates chuckled although his friends knew he wasn't joking.
"Perhaps you should be glad that I am only your 'pretend' brother-in-law,' Kurosaki."
"Che," Ichigo returned, noticing the reddening of Rukia's face. Any darker and the petite Shinigami would explode.
"Ichigo!" she finally hissed. "Stop antagonizing Nii-sama."
"I'm antagonizing him? Don't you have that a little backwards, midget?" Neither the noble nor their friends paid attention to the argument, far too used to the banter between the two. Some of the other students wondered why they didn't just admit their feelings and date.
The sixth division captain cleared his throat significantly before pulling out the lesson plans for the day. "My apologies, Rukia."
"That's okay, Nii-sama."
Ichigo rolled his eyes but went back to studying. She forgave her brother far too easily in his opinion.
The others in their "group" kept their thoughts to themselves while the older Kuchiki began going over their literature assignment.
The bell sounding lunch was the sweetest sound Ichigo had heard all day. The group of super powered friends made their way to the roof, followed by the others who usually ate with them. Ichigo opened Rukia's juice box for her before being asked, figuring it might save him aggravation and a bruise if he did. She had gone for her bento first, smiling excitedly at the Chappy figure on top of her fried rice. Once she had consumed it, he switched their meal just in case the cook had decided to exact a little revenge.
Apparently someone had expected him to try switching the lunches because when he bit into the omelet, he gagged on the taste of curry powder that burned his throat and tongue on the way down. Delighted laughter reached his ears and he turned his head to see sparkling violet eyes watching his reaction. "You did that on purpose," he accused, narrowing his amber orbs on the petite woman next to him.
"It serves you right," Rukia retorted, laughter still in her voice.
"It does not, now switch with me," he demanded, using his longer arms to reach for the bento he'd just swapped out.
"Uh-uh, you wanted that one, you got it. Besides, how can you think so little of the effort I put into helping Hana-san make our lunch?"
"Who puts curry powder in an omelet?" Ichigo charged, ignoring the giggles and ribbing from the others around them.
"But you like curry," Rukia said innocently, widening her eyes for effect.
"I'll take it if Ichigo doesn't want it, Rukia-chan," Keigo said, not waiting for answer from either Shinigami before tasting the doctored egg dish. He promptly howled in pain due to the spiciness. "That was awful," he said without thinking. Keigo chugged Mizuiro's water despite the playboy's protests.
"If you don't like it, don't eat it," Ichigo growled, doing a one eighty with his statement. He picked up another piece and chewed carefully, now fully aware of the danger.
Ishida, amused at the orange haired teen's defense of his partner, looked at his own lunch, something he wasn't sure he should eat. He had offered to make bentos for both Inoue and him but the ginger haired girl had declined, saying that since she was the host, it was her responsibility, especially since he had made dinner the night before.
Cautiously he took out one of the rice balls, looking it over for evidence that it had been tampered with. Seeing none, he took a small bite, not completely surprised to find a filling inside. Custard coated his tongue, almost making a pudding out of the rice ball.
"How is it, Ishida-kun?" Orihime asked, her eyes inquiring yet hopeful.
"Interesting," he allowed, unwilling to hurt her feelings. Chuckles from the others, including knowing looks from Chad and Ichigo let him know that his real opinion was well known as well as his motives for saying otherwise.
"I'm so glad you like it. I made some omelet too but I didn't think of putting curry powder in it like Kuchiki-san did. I'll have to try that tomorrow."
"That's quite all right, Inoue-san. I think I'll pass on the curry powder," Ishida said, taking a long drink. Thankfully, he'd bought a bottle of tea from the vending machine. He didn't think he could handle a drink "enhanced" by the healer as well as his food.
"Aw… I bet it would taste really good. Right, Kurosaki-kun?" Grey eyes blinked at the war hero in curiosity.
"It certainly adds a little something extra," Ichigo said wryly. The daiko finished his meal and leaned back against the fence. Closing his eyes, he allowed his friends' reiatsus to flow over him, soaking them in and falling asleep to the steady pulse of the woman's next to him.
Rukia ate quietly, listening to the conversation around her and answering when asked a question but otherwise keeping to herself. Ichigo had defended her cooking although he hadn't liked it any more than Keigo. She wondered at his change of heart even as it made her happy. The warmth heating her heart both delighted her and disturbed her. He could be a gentleman when the occasion called for it, regardless of what anyone else said to the contrary.
Orange hair suddenly tickled her neck and she glanced to the side to find that Ichigo had slumped sideways, his head using her slim shoulder as a pillow. "Baka," she said softly, setting aside her empty juice box. A gentleman maybe, but most definitely an idiot. Obviously the caffeine high was wearing off.
"Oh, ho," Keigo snickered, using his cell phone to take a picture of the scene.
"He's going to kill you, Keigo," Tatsuki said as she did the same. It could be used as blackmail material later if he kept her out of things like the war.
"Not if Captain Kuchiki finds out. Kurosaki will be dead long before you can show it to him," Ishida said, making a memento of his own.
Chad chuckled but didn't take a picture. Ichigo rarely let his guard down around anyone so that fact that he actually fell asleep said a lot about how much he trusted his friends. Of course, had he realized Keigo and Mizuiro were among the assembled company seeing him sleeping against his partner and taking pictures, he might have stayed awake. Those two were liable to spread rumors far and wide within the school.
"You guys," Orihime protested. "You're embarrassing Kuchiki-san," she said, seeing her friend's pinked cheeks. The small Shinigami was not used to having Ichigo use her as a resting place except when he was injured.
"It's all right, Inoue-san. I can beat him up later for being lazy." She shrugged her shoulder in an attempt to dislodge him but it only slide his head down to lay in her lap.
"This reminds me of the time he fell asleep trying to use Kukaku-san's cannon ball and squeezed Yoruichi-san's tail so hard he bent it out of shape." Orihime gently poked her friend's shoulder, getting no response.
"I wouldn't do that, Inoue-san," Ishida cautioned. "You never know when he'll have some weird dream and flail about."
Tatsuki studied her friend, worried that the intimate position of Ichigo's head on Rukia's lap would hurt Orihime but the healer seemed to be taking the whole thing in stride. "He's an idiot, that's for sure. We should probably get back to class. If your brother asks where you are, I'm sure we can make up some excuse."
"He'll know," Rukia said, a slight smile on her face. "Nii-sama tracks my reiatsu all the time. Hopefully he'll just think I'm chewing Ichigo out, not being used as a pillow. You guys go on, there's no sense in you getting in trouble for being late."
"I could move him," Chad offered, catching Mizuiro message someone on his phone. A feeling of foreboding raced down his spine. The short haired boy was up to no good whenever he did that.
"Thanks, Sado-kun but it'll be more fun for me if he wakes up like this." A mischievous glint entered Rukia's eyes and the giant shrugged.
"All right."
One by one the others got up, talking amongst themselves as they cleared away trash and left the two Shinigami to their rest. Good natured bets were taken as to how long the daiko would sleep before he was woken either by an impatient ice Zanpakutou wielder or an angry Shinigami captain. Those who knew Rukia best figured that she would get tired of sitting still long before her brother ever figured out what had happened.
Orihime, while a bit sad about their closeness, was not as disturbed as she thought she would have been. The last off the roof, she looked back and offered her friends a small smile before heading down the stairs. Ishida waited for her, their bento boxes in one hand and the stairwell door in the other. His gallantry warmed her heart and she thought maybe having the Quincy at her side and so attentive may have been the reason.
It was something to consider.
Byakuya watched as the students he was in charge of filed back into the room at the sound of the bell and frowned when his sister and the daiko was not among the ones to arrive early. A couple of female students that had fawned over him from the beginning were staring at their phones and giggling, something that they had received obviously amusing them greatly.
Others soon joined in their amusement and he couldn't help the thought that something was being passed around that boded ill for one of his own. "Please take your seats," he said, hoping that his request would give him the opportunity to find out what was so funny.
"My poor Kuchiki-san!" Chizuru lamented loudly, tears filling her eyes. The captain wasn't sure how to deal with the openly gay student but he steeled his nerves and went ahead.
"I assume you mean my sister," Byakuya said briskly. "Just what concerns you so?"
"She's being held captive by a dirty boy!" the bespectacled female said, shoving her phone into his face and showing him the picture Mizuiro had taken of Ichigo's head on Rukia's lap.
The "Substitute Group" was just rounding the corner when they felt the spike in Byakuya's reiatsu. A blur of black and white passed them, flower petals trailing in the noble's wake. "All right, which one of you idiots sent out the email?" Tatsuki asked the two remaining students as Ishida, Chad, and Orihime turned around and raced after the captain in a vain effort to rescue their friend. Keigo and Mizuiro exchanged glances before the playboy raised his hand. "If Ichigo survives this, your life is forfeit, you know that, right?"
"I thought it was funny, at the time."
"Sure you did, just don't come crying to me if he slices you up with his sword." Tatsuki remembered the size of his blade and didn't want to give her childhood friend any excuse to ever use it on her.
"I didn't think her brother would get so mad," Mizuiro continued to defend himself as they heard a shout of surprise from Ichigo that echoed down from the roof.
"Of course you didn't. You've had the man as a teacher for several days. In all that time, did he seem like he had a sense of humor when it came to Ichigo's closeness with Kuchiki-san?"
"No," came the answer just as the subject of their discussion went sailing by, angry sakura petals chasing after him. They watched him go around a corner before he reappeared in his Shinigami form, his body lying in the middle of the hall somewhere.
"Oi, Tatsuki, take my body somewhere safe!" Ichigo yelled as he summoned his bankai and jumped out a window.
"Sure, sure," the martial artist sighed, wondering exactly where "safe" would be. The morgue maybe?
Rukia and the others came back, signs of resignation on their faces. "I told him to wake up," the younger Kuchiki said. "He yawned and ignored me. It's his own fault."
"No," Tatsuki said. "It's this one's fault," she argued, pointing at the playboy who tried to use his baby face to look innocent. "He e-mailed someone the picture he took and it probably went around the class until your brother got a look at it." They entered the classroom to find Byakuya's temporary soul pill taking attendance as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
"Great, my brother is trying to kill the father of my fake child. If they don't end up causing mass destruction with their Zanpakutous, they're going to lure every Hollow in the vicinity here. Thank you very much, Kojima-kun," Rukia snapped.
"You're welcome," Mizuiro answered and slunk back to his seat.
A large explosion shook the classroom but the only thing the "Substitute Group" did was sigh in tandem and shake their heads. It was hard to get excited about inexplicable earthquakes or explosions now. It was almost always one of two things: Ichigo killing a Hollow, or Byakuya trying to kill Ichigo.
Twenty minutes later when the gang was exterminating the Hollows Rukia had predicted would come, they wished the end of their project would come quickly. The town couldn't stand much more of Byakuya and Ichigo's fighting.