Chapter 7 – Have your cake and eat it too

Brendan twirled the glass in his hand, inhaling the sweet potent scent of the fine whiskey. It had been aged well, left in the dark cellar in barrels absorbing the flavor of the oak wood for many years, acquiring the right taste to accommodate for this precise moment. Bless the soul of the man who developed the fine idea and sharing its fortune of finding a substance that would taste fine as milk to ease the hardest man's problem.

He rested his head on the back of his chair. Relaxed, feeling the warmth beneath his skin, letting the alcohol slowly take its effect as it ran through his bloodstream and soothed his mind.

The only problem with liquor was that no matter how much you drink, once the taste has fully dissolved and the intoxication had worn off all your problems came resurfacing to the top. His particular problem right now was a blue eyed, blonde haired young man named Stephen.

Just thinking about him made him forget the purpose of this whiskey. His mind wandered on their kiss. When he came to speak to him all he could do was stare. The way his dirty blonde strands fell around his face. The look of complete cluelessness and nervousness written on his face was just too tempting. The night before when the younger man kissed him his feelings had re-emerged without hesitation. To taste those lips again was like an addict tasting the purest drug.

At the moment he wasn't thinking about the consequences or what it would mean to feed into his desires but now he had sealed his fate for the second time around and he wasn't sure what to do.

He was delaying meeting the blonde man. Brendan was never good at confrontations. He wasn't good at many things that required him to be civil, especially human mannerisms that were regarded by society. He went by his own rules; his own principles that he thought were ideal and worked perfectly for a man like him.

He had told his sister that he would talk to Stephen but he had not had the first clue how he would even form the right words to say. What was he supposed to say?

He brought his glass to his lips, but it was empty. Looking at the empty glass he sighed and closed his eyes. He heard the clicking sound of heels and braced himself.

"Well?" She said leaning against the door while Brendan ignored her with his eyes closed.

"Have you heard from him?" Cheryl asked.

"No" He said simply, rocking his chair left to right trying to drown out whatever his sister had to say.

"I guess nothing happened or Amy would be here already" She said, "Are you going to speak to him then?"

"I dunno" He replied in annoyed tone.

"You better sort out this out" Cheryl told him and move from to open the file draw looking for through some papers.

"Can't believe you were mad at me a couple a days ago for bein' friendly when you're here snoggin' his face" She said to him who had enough of hearing her mouth.

"Shut it, will ya!"

She gasps "don't tell me to shut it!"

"I get it okay" Brendan said annoyed, "I tell ya I will sort it, alright" and got up and headed out of the office.

She was a thorn in his side, constantly telling him what to do. He was getting tired of hearing her talk. Lost in his thoughts he didn't realize the person he bounced into was the last person he wanted to see right now. 'Great just what he needed right now' he thought to himself.

"Well, look who it is" He said in a mocking voice.

"I'd say our meeting was long overdue don't you?" She replied in a sarcastic tone.

"Very…"

"Can't say I was looking forward to it" Amy told him with a sense of disgust.

"Always so vile Amy, young lady your age it's… not good" Brendan said, sounding concerned looking down on her with lack of care on his face.

"Only when I see you Brendan" She replied as her eyes gazed upon him with darts, "somehow you bring out the worse in mi" She gave him a fake smile and folded her arms, "So… whose life you're ruinin' now?"

The smug look on his face was gone and became serious.

"Aw, what's wrong?" She mocked and put her hand on her chest. "Did I struck a chord?"

He stepped towards her, simply look down on her. "I hope you remembered what you promised"

"I said I would, Amy" he said simply.

"You owe him that much, after what you did" She seethed. Her words dug in his chest like daggers. She didn't mind reminding him how much of a scum he already felt like. He remembered the day they were at the hospital, she told him to leave. He remembered the look of hate in her eyes, as much as he tried to pretend she didn't bother him, it was constant reminder of what he did.

"He's doing fine, actually happy …smiling" She told him and looked in his eyes and saw look of hurt on his face for a second but would not indulge in it. "If you cared about him at all Brendan, you should keep away from him, yea?" She said then walk passed him.

He remembered when he had called Cheryl a few weeks after Stephen was still in the hospital. At the time he was in Belfast, staying at a hotel when he heard the news. She told him that the doctor said Stephen had amnesia. Those were some of the darkest few weeks he had in his life. He moved his head left then right, stretching the muscles in his neck and exhaled. "Okay…" He said to himself and turns his attention to a pub and started to walk in that direction.

He was plan on going to the store but first, he needed a drink.

Ste sat on the couch aimlessly flicking through the channels. There was nothing that peaked his interest. He was home and bored. He had taken the day off from work since he wasn't feeling good. He had awoken from the same dream he had as the ticking sound woke him from his slumber. To his relief, the pain had subsided. It wasn't the first time he had had occasions like this. The doctor told him it could mean his brain was trying to recollect memory but there was no change. He was at the point where he didn't care much and accepted the facts.

As much as he was annoyed by the fact he had nothing to do or just his condition, he was greatly bothered by a certain man. He was not sure what to make of the whole ordeal. He thought of the kiss they shared at the club. He had gone there to apologize but left there feeling more confused than before. Does this mean Brendan was gay then? Was he still in the closet? Ste did not know what to think as he quickly snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of the door closed.

"Ste?" Her gently voice called his name.

"Hiya" He said with no luck of finding something, he turned off the TV.

"How ya feeling?"

"I'm fine" He replied and threw the remote on the chair across from him.

"I think we should go see the doctor" She suggested to him, putting the bags of groceries on the table and started unpacking the items.

"Why?"

"Just to make sure everything's fine" She told him packing the items in the fridge.

"I'm alright Amy" He reassured her. "It's not the first time I had these pains and nothing happens…" picked up one of the kid's stuff toy. "…Besides, it's not like they have anything that could help mi"

"But those tablets help ya, don't it?"

"It's just pills Amy, it's not to help me remember…"Ste said blandly. He knew Amy meant well but he hated talking about his condition. He felt certain sadness but at the same time he had no idea what to be sad about since he had no recollection of who he was before. Amy had told him certain things from his past and it wasn't something to miss.

There were certain days he would feel upset or sad about something he had no clue why. The days after he woke up and the doctors had run all their tests on him, the doctor told him he had amnesia. He explained that the extent of the damage was severe. Somehow he was lucky to be able to function normally with all responses of his body intact. Although the first few weeks he had woken up he had therapy to help strengthen his memory skills as well as writing.

Certain moments he would have tremors but that was side effect of the trauma he had suffered but it wasn't anything to hinder him or his ability to function. There was no cure for people with amnesia. Depending on the damage it was hard to tell how much of the person's memory could be restored. Some people get their memories over a short time, others in months and in rare cases the person never completely remembers anything, only pieces if they were lucky. Fortunate for him, he was the one of the rare cases.

Amy looked across to room to see him staring silently at the toy in his hand.

"Sorry, I know you don't like talkin' about it…" She said with sadness in her voice.

He waved his hand in a motion as to brush it off. "It's alright" He smiled to reassure her. "Where are the kids?" He asked, changing the subject.

"I haven't pick them up as yet I'm going out now" She replied putting away the bags.

He placed the toy down and got up putting on his dark blue jacket that was on the arm of the couch. He has had enough of staying in for one day. So many things on his mind, he needed some air.

"Where you going?"

"Goin' for a walk, you want me to pick them up as well?" Ste offered but she told him not to worry.

"See ya in a bit" He said and left.

He wasn't sure where he was going as he walked aimlessly through the village streets. The evening breeze was chillier than yesterday. He looked around the village, seeing people talking to their friends, children with their parents enjoying their day.

The fresh air had done him good, it was relaxing and he just needed to get out and clear his head. Some days he needed a moment for himself. Amy and the kids, although they are fun to be around, sometimes he couldn't help feeling indifferent at times. They were his only family, since she explained to him about his parents and his relationship with them. To Ste it all felt like a dream to him, but he was not dreaming anymore, this was the reality.

Ste stopped and looked up. He stood a few feet from 'ChezChez.' He didn't know how he ended up here. He could hear the sound of the music raging from the building. He thought of all the people enjoying themselves, forgetting all their problems. He surmised that Cheryl was probably there as well, laughing and having a blast. Then his mind wandered on Brendan, he couldn't see him enjoying himself. The thought of him caused Ste to remember their kiss and he felt a tightening in his chest.

"Stephen" He heard familiar voice call to him.

'Shit' Brendan cursed to himself. He was heading back to the club just to see who it was standing there in the street. As much as he planned on talking to him he had no plans on doing it any time soon. He wanted to avoid him but in this place, that was impossible it seemed.

"Hiya" Ste replied hesitantly. 'This is awkward' he thought to himself.

"What're doin'?" Brendan asked with a confused look on his face, referring to Ste standing in the middle of the street.

"Oh, uh…I was… taking a walk" He replied.

"Okay…" The older man simply replied and was about walk off when Ste called his name.

"Brendan?" Ste said, "I'm sorry, but what happened yesterday?" Ste asked without thinking how forward he was being but he wanted answers.

Brendan thought of his run in with the young blonde female earlier and cursed to himself.

"Come on"

"Where we goin'?"

"Back to mine" Brendan told him and went up the stairs across from the club. Ste followed him carefully as he watched as he opened one of the doors and waited for him to enter.

This was a dumb idea, Brendan thought to himself. He was supposed to keep away and here he was inviting him into his house.

Brendan watched as Ste entered the apartment. He had a funny look on his face. Not saying a word, just observing the younger man, this made him question him. "Is sumthin' wrong?"

"No, nothing" The dark haired man replied simply. He wanted to see his reaction to being in his flat since he had been there before but the blonde man seemed unaware of the times he was here.

How much did he remember? He was told that Stephen's long term memories were erased and had no recollection of anything that had happened before the incident. He didn't comprehend how drastic it was till the day he came to the club. From what Brendan knew about people who had amnesia was from the movies and nothing more. He wasn't dumb not to think logical of the matter but at the same time it was surreal the same person he knew was oblivious to any relationship they had before.

"About yesterday…forget about it" He said to Ste and stepped towards him.

"What'd ya mean?"Ste asked, he wasn't sure what he was referring to or what he meant for that matter.

"Do you remember anything?...I mean, about ya know, your condition…and all?" Brendan asked him suddenly.

Ste looked up at him with a strange look. "Why you wanna know?"

"I'm just curious, as to how it…works" Brendan said simply and smiled which was slightly creepy but Ste didn't think much of it.

"Hmm not really, I have patches of memory of the past but it's faded …" Ste told him and had a focus on his face as if he was trying to gather his what he could recall. "Everything that happened is a blur really…"

"I see…" There was apart Brendan that was sad but he would never admit that, not even to himself. He thought of Amy warning him to stay away. They didn't want to take chances with him around Stephen as he could trigger his memories but there was no indication whether Stephen could ever remember. Stephen was the one that kissed him, what did it mean for him? Brendan wondered, was he subconsciously drawn to him? His mind started to wonder…could there be a possibility for him?

A second chance? It was a crazy to think of but it could be a way for him to start over, for them. With no memories of whom Brendan Brady was before he couldn't help but think of this as a possible opportunity to him. Apart of him knew it was selfish of him and downright low even but he couldn't help it. Brendan wanted him back.

"So about yesterday…" Brendan said, "I don't know…what came over me" he was looking around the place which had Ste wondering what he was looking at but the short time they hung out he realize the dark hair man's quirky habits.

"I didn't mean to react…" Brendan looked at him. "...That way"

"Are you still …comin' to terms with your…"Ste asked as he was indicating something, "ya know…"

"Coming to terms?" Brendan repeated with confusion till he realized what he meant. "Oh, er…No"

"Was having a bad day" Brendan lied. "It had nothin' to do with you, okay" He said in a soothing voice that made Ste felt his nerves getting to him. He was weird, Ste thought, he says weird things and acts quite odd but he didn't care. He wasn't scared of him and somehow he couldn't help feeling this way about him.

"I'm sorry if I made it worse or anythin'"

"You didn't" Brendan said in his deep voice. Ste looked into his eyes, for that moment, he gathered enough courage to make the move and tried to kiss him.

"Stephen, stop" He whispered.

"Why?"Ste asked him, "What's wrong?" He waited for an answer but he didn't receive one. Brendan wanted to tell him, how wrong this was and how he should leave but instead his hand came up and brush through his dirty blonde hair. Ste tried to kiss him again and this time felt no resistance.

It was slow at first, the kiss deepened and Ste held onto the front of Brendan's jacket. Brendan moved his hand to the back of Ste's head to gain more control when he felt the ridged scar on his scalp and quickly pulled away.

Ste leaned in to try and kiss him again but Brendan held him by his arms to stop him.

"What is it?" Ste asked softly with a confused look on his face. Brendan just looked at him with a strange look on his face. Letting go of his arms, Ste touch the side of his head. "Did it scare you?" He grinned, "It was from the accident" Ste explained, "It was larger than this before" but Brendan already knew that. He was startled by how large the scar was when he felt it.

Brendan was about to reply when Ste's phone rang. He reached in his sweater pocket to see the name of caller was Amy. He realized he had been away longer than he planned. "I gotta go" He told Brendan putting his phone in his pocket.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Ste looked at him waiting for his response.

Brendan knew he had the cards in his hands. He had the choice to set him on the right path and tell him off for good or continue to play with fire, give in to what Brendan craved for the most.

"…Yea, sure…" He said softly, Ste smiled at him.

As soon as Ste left the flat, Brendan smacked his hand on the couch in anger and cursed himself. What the hell was he doing, Why couldn't he just do the right thing, he thought. It was selfish, but the thought of no Stephen, especially when he had this chance, was too hard to bear. It would be the best thing for the younger man to completely cut him out of his life. The farther from him was better promise for happiness. The longer Stephen was around him, the more chance he would have of hurting him, just as before. After all, everything he ever loved he ends up destroying.

Read and Review, please and thank you : ) Massive respect to ma cuz for her help fixing errors.

A/N: I did research on this amnesia topic however, please don't penalize me . I tried my best. I hope you are enjoying my story.