Chapter 21: Scars

POV: Shelby

Over the next week, I came to Charming in the day time tired from the night's events with Tio Marcus. He was determined to let Chino and his cohorts suffer daily under his skill full hands. Tito and I assisted but it was clear Tio Marcus carried the heavy burden on his shoulders. He appeared drained every time he came back from the hospital. His grief would turn to rage on the way back and often he speed past us on the road back.

We came back today after a final bloody night. Tito made sure to bury the bodies, and Tio Marcus made sure it was crystal clear to the rest of the MC the price to be paid for betrayal. Harm would never fall on the heads of his family from this day forth. Tara called us early to let us know Marta would be released in the afternoon. After a quick shower, we headed out. Tio Marcus would take his low rider so Tia Amelia could join us. Marta was not coming back to Oakland for now. She would stay with Juice and I with Happy. He made sure I knew we could come home whenever but that he understood we had begun our new lives with the Sons. It pained him, and affected his pride. This was his atonement for his part in the awful events of the past week. His blessing was wonderful.

I often arrived at St. Thomas to find Juice nestled next to my sister. The guards would tell me he always came by the time she got her pain meds and would be knocked out. He left ceremoniously before she woke up every morning. This had taken a serious toll on him. I could see it in his face. He didn't joke, smiles were lost in the past, and he had not even maintained his stupid haircut.

Happy would take me back to Oakland in the late afternoon. We would go to his house first and be together. He didn't say much but he didn't need to. He was my sanctuary. In our bed, we shook the earth. I loved that he didn't turn to mush. He was strong for me and that kept me invigorated with the task I would assume at night.

My guilt had found solace in her smile and in the cries from the traitors. She told me she didn't blame me, Tio Marcus, or Juice. It was hard to swallow seeing her like that but she was right. Chino and Rafa had intended this in the beginning. The Sons had not only prevented our deaths but prolong the eventual confrontation. I felt guilty that it was her and not me. I knew many men in both MC's that would have loved to knock me off my pedestal. My confidence and sense of equality with the latter sex often intimated and pissed them off. My sense of entitlement was often met with jeers and idle threats disguised in good intended warnings. I was comforted knowing Happy wasn't insecure when it came to high self-worth.

POV: Marta

The first time I woke I was frightened because it started all coming back- the beating, the rape, Juice's abandonment. I was relieved the first day I woke up to find Shelby safe. She stood over me unharmed. She had a few bruises but nothing compared to me. She filled me in on what had happened in the aftermath. We laughed about how I had cried out for Juice at night and the nurse brought me OJ the next morning. Everything hurt. Tara told me besides the internal bleeding I had a dislocated shoulder, 2 cracked ribs, and several contusions. The swelling began going down after a few days and I looked like a creature from a horror movie.

No amount of pain killers were able to take away the longing I had for Juan Carlos. It was Tio Marcus who pointed out the crucifix around my neck. It was his mom's. My hope to see him was diminishing as the days passed. Members of both MC's came in paid their respects. I woke up this last night in the hospital to find him snoring next to me. Since I had heard about his nights keeping watch, I purposely declined the morphine so I could finally feel him near me. I knew things had changed drastically because of what they did to me at the warehouse. No matter how much I heard that he felt responsible, I couldn't blame him anymore than I could blame my Tio Marcus. Pain ridden, I turned on my side though I thought I could hear my ribs crackle, I kissed his forehead gently.

"Papi, te amo." I whispered in his ear. I thought I woke him when his weight shifted and pulled me closer. God damn it! I wanted to cry out with pain as he held on to my bandaged body. All that came out was a single silent tear as he mumbled "me too, baby." The snoring resumed again and I finally paged the nurse for a dose of morphine. When I woke up, he was gone.

The red headed hospital administrator came in a few times and offered to refer me to a counselor but I couldn't see myself pouring out my family business or reliving my worst moment with strangers. It was enough that the MC's knew. That Sheriff that screwed Juan Carlos pestered me every day. I refused to give him any statements. When Tio Marcus would catch him here, he would threaten him with a law suit though I know his intent was nothing legal at all. I was elated to see Happy and Shelby together. Maybe if Juan Carlos and I can get through this, I could find my way back to our first days together.

When they came for me, I had more escorts than the Pope. I was excited to be going home to Juan Carlos. He wasn't there to pick me up but Chibs assured me that he would be home soon and stayed with me long after everyone went home. I heard Juan Carlos come in shortly after midnight as well as a whispered argument between him and Chibs. He looked surprised to find me awake.

"You should be asleep. Did you take your meds?" He was careful to avoid eye contact and concentrated on the bottle of percaset on the nightstand.

"Papi, I haven't seen you. I wanted to talk to you. Here, sit." I slowly moved and patted the side of the bed. He didn't sit. He walked out and came back with water. He handed me a pill and instructed me to follow doctor's orders. He said we would talk when I was feeling better. I took the pill begrudgingly. I was eager to feel him close again. Sleep got me first and when I woke the next day, I was alone in the bed.

I called out to him, but Phil clumsily came in the room holding a salad bowl full of lucky charms. He told me Juan Carlos was out on club business and he would take care of any of my needs. But what I needed was my man. I could see last night he tried to hide his eyes from me but in the mirror I could see they watered. His face didn't hide his shame, anger, and disappointment.

The next few weeks were full of the same routine as began to heal and become more mobile. My mobility unhinged Juan Carlos. He found it harder to avoid my gaze or touch. He pulled away anytime I tried to get close and dodged conversations with one word answers or some menial task that needed his attention. Though the bruises began to fade, I felt even more broken with his distance. I fooled myself into thinking that once he saw me getting better he would get over his guilt. I told him a million times that I didn't fault him. He would shake his head and find a quick exit. I began to wonder if I should even stay here. This was his home after all. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel uncomfortable at home.

Shelby knew nothing of this. With her quick temper, she would decide to just kick his ass and force him into what I wanted it. I didn't want him to stay with me for obligation or guilt. Weeks passed and in two months' time was time I had healed nicely. I had a few permanent scars but nothing drastic. The house had been a prison, a solitary confinement that led to a dark past. To avoid it, I began helping Gemma at the garage. My ulterior motive was, of course, to watch Juan Carlos and try to get him to see me as more than a rape victim. Gemma had been through worse and she told me something that Tara told her back then.

"This rape would have destroyed most women. You are a survivor. You have more resolve and strength than you know. I'm proud to have you as an Old Lady to one of my boys." I wish I could truly be his Old Lady. He never actually called me that even before but the Club members sure treated me that way. The crow eaters looked at me differently. They offered to do just about everything for me. It wasn't pity; it was respect. The red headed bitch came to me my first day with her nose crooked from my previous bout with her and apologized for trying to fuck him. In the end, my time at Teller Morrow only showed me that he was determined to keep me away.

I waited until I knew Shelby would be away with Tio Marcus and Happy would be making a run to Tacoma to call Tia Amelia and ask her if I could go home. She didn't ask questions. I went to Teller Morrow like any other day, riding on the back of a Prospect's bike long after Juan Carlos had left the house. This was his new behavior he developed when I started working there. I felt closer to Tig that I did to him at this point and that's saying a lot.

"Morning, Gemma."

"Morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Good, I know I'm not scheduled today but I just needed to talk to you about something."

"Sure." She pulled out a cigarette and offered me one. I declined. Instead she had a crow eater get me a Coke with her coffee.

"What's on your mind?"

"How long did it take Clay to be ok with you after…. It happened?"

"A while. But every person heals different. What happened?" She leaned forward concerned.

"Nothing. Nothing ever happens. He doesn't look at me, flees at a touch, and he doesn't talk. I thought coming here maybe he'd begin to I don't know, see me again. Me not the girl who was raped by a rival MC but the girl he used to love." My eyes welled up. These pain meds seemed to have my emotions out of control. She reached and gave me a paper towel.

"Men need to own their women. I felt that too. I had been violated. I even pushed him away. Juice loves you. I saw him in the hospital a few times. When you went missing, he went crazy. He just carries your nightmare with him. He won't forgive himself." She looked back at me in a motherly way. I could see why they all leaned on her.

"I've tried. I feel like a burden to him. I just can't do it. It's way too painful. Thank you. You have been an amazing inspiration to me." I hold hugged her. I pulled an envelope out of my pocket and handed it to her.

"What this?" She stared at it curiously and confused.

"I need you to give that to him. Not now. Wait until he's about to go home."

"You're saying goodbye?" I bit my lip and nodded. "Why don't you just give it to him yourself? He can't want you to go." I shook my head. "Listen to me, give it a few more days. Don't go not like this leaving a Dear John letter."

"He barely acknowledges me in the room. It will just hurt more to see his indifference. I can't." Before she can stop me, I run out. I grab Rat and order him to take me back to Juice's house. I lost Juan Carlos. I look back one last time and catch him smile and laugh as Phil trips over a tool box. I have missed that smile and laughter so much. The knife plunges in me deeper recognizing that he will never do that in front of me. He's built a concrete wall around him and I can longer break through. I grab hold of Rat's waist as he pulls out.

"Bye, Juan Carlos." I whisper to myself. "Forever."