Sorry for the re-post. Had to fix an error, nothing major to the plot but it needed to be done. Thanks.
Two weeks later...
A disgruntled detective arrives home, thankful to find her girl waiting inside, academic journal in hand and a cup of tea resting on the kitchen counter beside her.
"Hey..." She smiles, feeling some of the days annoyance wash away from her shoulders. She tosses her keys and kicks the door shut, moving forward with an item not normally linked to her persona.
"What is that?"
"Really, Maur? You tryin' to tell me you've never seen one-a these before?"
The doctor sighs. "It's a garment bag, Jane."
"Why yes… yes it is." And throws it haphazardly across the counter.
"And would it be accurate to suggest that there is a dress inside?" she asks, as Jane sidles up close, wrapping her arms around her.
"You're too good, baby," she toys, rewarding Maura with a long awaited kiss.
"Mm, you think so? Shall I continue then, with my surmising?"
"By all means…"
Maura looks down at the black, silver trimmed bag while allowing herself to lean into Jane's embrace. "Well... as it stands, you've come home with what I imagine to be a gorgeous dress…"
"Don't know, haven't seen it."
"… one that I expect has been provided to you, for you to wear on a date that would not include me. Am I correct?"
"You're flawless..." Jane kisses her jawline. "Please continue..."
"Mmm... well, I guess... no, I don't mean that, I mean to hypothesize..." But it's too difficult, as Jane is resting as much surface area of her lithe body against her, the detective's lips dwelling in the softness of her pale skin and the slight catch of breath caused and felt. "God... you're distracting me..."
"M-hmm... I think that's the plan, babe."
Closing her eyes, the ME struggles to choose between nutting out just what Angela has planned for Jane, where and when, or finally succumbing to the tension that's been building up for weeks, and letting the next step in their relationship take place.
"Why Dr. Isles..." She feels Jane's whisper caress her ear. "Are we losing focus?"
She pulls away, the moment is gone. "You know I hate it when you do that, using Byron's royal 'we' against me. It irked me just as much as it did you..."
"Oh, I doubt that." Jane kisses her. "And besides, you know I can't resist."
"Well, you should!"
Her detective laughs and cuddles into her. "Okay, okay... I'm sorry," she pacifies. "So... dress..." She waves at it. "Continue..."
Maura huffs, allowing herself to be held again, taking a deep breath to calm her insides. "I feel almost certain that this 'date' has been sourced and supplied to you by your mother."
"Bingo!"
And she suddenly feels very tired.
"Hey..." Jane felt her deflation. "You're right, and I'm sorry... it sucks... but that was some awesome conjecture you had going on there, baby... maybe you could integrate those newly acquired skills into the processing of our next case?"
Maura shoves her, smiling some. "Don't push it, detective."
Jane pulls her in for a heartfelt kiss. "Lemme just get a drink before we continue with this, okay?"
"Of course."
She is released, and the brunette moves to the fridge to get a well-earned beer.
"Can I see it?"
Her eyebrows raise along with the bottle hitting her lips. She pauses mid-swallow.
"Is that really the point?"
"No, not at all, but as horrifying as the thought of you actually participating in this date, your mother does have very good taste in evening wear."
"Ugh, c'mon Maur! It's just a rental… I can't believe she's even done this. Do you know she was too chicken to come and speak to me this time? Left it on my desk with a crummy little note." She sighs. "It's probably been worn over a hundred times."
"But... never the less..." She couldn't help herself. She had to see it.
"Fine… go ahead and admire, but you're never gonna see me in it."
Maura hops up excitedly, taking the bag, and hanging it from one of the kitchen cupboards. She opens the zipper and releases the deep burgundy dress from inside, pulling it clear from the base of the bag.
"Oh, Jane… this is… you would look beautiful in this."
"Like I said, not gonna wear it."
Jane sits and takes another sip of her beer.
"Not even for me? We could, how do you say it? 'Hijack' the idea…?" Maura smiles, looking very pleased with herself for the phrase of term. "We could go out on a date of our own, and you could wear it. After all it'd be a shame to waste the hire fee."
She leaves the garment to slide her arms around Jane in a sense of mischief.
"I'd love to show you off…"
"Don't…"
The atmosphere has suddenly changed. She's shocked and pulls back, her hands left where her arms had lain upon Jane's waist.
"Don't what?"
But her love doesn't meet her eyes, and pulls away.
"Jane?"
"Just forget it, Maur. I'm not some rent-a-cop to be pawned out for show." She takes a final swig and puts her beer down a little too hard. "I'm takin' a shower."
"Jane…" But it's too late, and she's down the hall. "But... I don't understand," the ME says to no-one, her heart a little broken and the dress ignored.
Maura cuddles up again, pulling Jane's arms around her and nestling in. They hadn't spoken about their disagreement, if you could call it that. The detective had simply returned from her shower and behaved as if nothing had happened. Though it was confusing, the ME decided to let it rest and try to enjoy their evening still.
"You okay?"
Jane had noticed that Maura had been quite clingy since her return, but she'd thought better about using those exact words when asking about it.
"Yes, of course." She looks up. "Why?"
"Nothing… it's just… you've been extra cuddly since you got back." And Maura's racy side had been a little toned down in comparison to before she'd left for the trip.
She shrugs, looking back to the tv. "Haven't you ever just wanted to be held?" Her voice was a little quiet.
"Sure… that's what I had Ma for."
"Mm, well, I have you, and I find it very comforting when you hold me."
Jane whispers, "I'm glad to hear that." And kisses her temple as they sit in silence, watching an old rerun of the television series, The Good Life. At the next advert Maura closes her eyes, loosing herself to the senses of touch and smell, the touch of Jane.
"I used to crave this," she says so softly.
"Crave what?"
"To be held, just like this."
Jane looks down and admires her profile. "Yeah?" But feels troubled.
"M-hm… my earliest recollection of such longing was when I was four years old. My mother and I had just visited with an acquaintance of hers, and I saw the interaction between this woman and her child. She nurtured through physical touch... their connection both warmed and intrigued me."
"Intrigued you?"
"Yes… Long after our visit I would wonder what it would be like to simply jump onto my mother's lap for a cuddle, or to climb all over her as if she were a play gym, like the other little girl had."
"You tellin' me you never did that?" Jane was horrified.
"No… no, of course not, but I can understand why you would be surprised by that. Having Angela as your mother I have no doubt that you would have been able to experience that… she's so warm and motherly."
"You can add demanding and infuriating to that list, as well," she jokes.
Even though she was being flippant, Jane was struggling to get her head around what Maura was hinting at. She squeezes her love, feeling a need for comfort of her own.
"So, let me get this straight… you're saying that you never felt comfortable enough to just go and climb on your mother's lap or tug at her trouser leg when you needed a hug?"
"It wasn't a matter of being comfortable with it," Maura says absently, "it just wasn't done. That kind of behaviour was considered inappropriate… but again, I'm glad that you did, and could." She kisses Jane's cheek and rests there. "Parent to child intimacy studies have shown that appropriate and constant levels of loving, physical contact can provide a positive influence on the child. As the levels of appropriate contact increases, so does the child's sense of security and self-esteem."
This causes an added squeeze and Maura smiles into the detectives cheek.
"Well, I was always a daddy's girl… I can't even begin to think of what it would've been like without Pop's hugs. It's part of why I miss him so much now, you know… now that he's not around."
Jane had adored the time she'd spent with her father growing up. They'd watch baseball, or share a tray of dinner while watching his favourite show. She'd always felt like she was his favourite. Frankie and Tommy would complain about it, but he'd always shut them down saying he wanted to spend some time with his girl. He didn't have to do much either. He probably wasn't even present in his state of mind, but his arms were around her and she could relax and feel safe from her annoying brothers for an hour or so.
"What about your Dad? You ever get cuddle-time with him?"
The mere suggestion caused an involuntary reaction, not unlike a shudder. Along with a speedy negative response, Jane felt a worrying curiosity stir within.
"What are you not telling me, babygirl?"
She whispers it, knowing she could be touching a raw nerve.
"It's fine, Jane. My childhood was just different to yours, that's all."
"Yeah, and I'd be a dumb ass if I believed that..."
Maura shifts away to sit on the edge of the couch and sighs.
"Maur… honey?"
Jane moves to rub her back but the blonde shifts away.
"I'm going to bed."
"Oh, c'mon, Maur, please?"
"No, Jane…" She keeps her back to her. "There's nothing to talk about. This evening has been… strained. Perhaps we should just go to bed and say goodnight to it."
She gets up and walks away, her head down as she travels to the bedroom.
"The hell there's nothing to talk about," Jane mutters. 'For both of us…' And she sighs hard. "Fuck it…"
She drags herself up, switching off the lights and checking the doors before heading to bed. By the time she's changed, Maura exits the bathroom in her sleepwear, shorts and a slimming tee. There's an awkward silence between them so Jane decides to use the bathroom to let Maura settle down in bed first.
They lie in the dark, side by side, and not touching. There's an unseen barrier resting between them tonight and Jane doesn't know why. She thinks about the ME's behaviour lately, and realises there's been a slow but rising tension within. Their initial reunion had brought about a wonderful connection, both thankful for having the opportunity to be close again; but as the days wore on, Maura had sought comfort more than anything else and it worried Jane that she was doing something wrong.
She feels the covers shift and looks over to see Maura ease her hands out from underneath and cover her eyes. She waits, unmoving, with her head turned watching a very troubled silhouette.
"Maura?" She says quietly. "I know you don't wanna talk about it... but there's somethin' you gotta know about me… I won't tolerate anyone hurting you, now or in the past, and I sure as hell won't let you hurt yourself by hiding it." She waits patiently but Maura continues to hide. "Please, baby… nothing's gonna happen if you just say it... please... just say it."
After several more minutes of strained silence, Maura finally gives in.
"My father touched me once… inappropriately…"
The words strike at Jane's heart, catching her breath. "Tell me..."
She remains hidden, beneath a mask of fingertips, but she does finally try to explain the unexplainable.
"He was intoxicated… his ego had been terribly inflated after one of his university events. He'd given a speech, and mother and I had both had to attend, dressing up extravagantly."
She drops her hands to her chest.
"It was all rather theatrical... the kind of evening I was used to but I never truly enjoyed it."
Jane rolls onto her side, keeping herself low so as not to tower over her.
"We arrived home. My mother left us to prepare for bed and I… I moved in to give him a hug goodnight… He kissed me… not a harmless peck, but a foul and desperately firm kiss…" She touches her mouth. "He hurt my lips..."
Jane is stunned, not only by the content but by the sound of Maura's voice. It's like she's slightly removed from reality.
"He pushed me against the wall… or… maybe it was the door to the study? I can't remember. I was disoriented… He touched my breasts, squeezed them harshly, and palmed my crotch… and then he suddenly, but thankfully, stopped."
If it wasn't for the meaning of her words, Maura's tone would never indicate how truly awful and confusing the experience was. Jane was hot with worry, her body still as she braces herself to keep listening.
"I think I must have yelled something and that was the key to making him stop… but then… I felt somehow responsible… I even felt sorry for him… sorry for the man who was struck panting and leaning against me in shock."
Maura's dear heart comes into the mix and her voice is strangled. "I wanted him off me as quickly as possible, but he was still pressing me into the wall in his drunken state." She takes a breath. "I did the only thing I could think of to make it end… I told him it was okay."
But it wasn't…
And Jane wanted to scream it out loud, preferably in the offender's face. She fought herself hard not to lose it, but the words squeeze out upon her breath. Maura looks to her, for reassurance.
"I know it wasn't okay, but I didn't know what else to do…" And now the tears come in full force. "I was only fourteen, and I…"
"Shush, baby, it wasn't your fault..."
She moves to stroke her cheek but Maura hides herself behind her own hands, squeezing the life out of her face. Her actions hurt Jane without meaning to, and not being sure about whether to hold her or not, she places a gentle touch to Maura's wrists, urging for her to resurface.
"Baby, stop..."
"I don't know why I told you this…" Her voice is strained, and she's shaking.
"Because you needed to…" She struggles to watch Maura fight against her pain. "C'mere, please? I can't bear this..." and scoops Maura into her arms.
Once her initial hold is accepted, she moves them both up to rest against the headboard, moving pillows to create extra comfort. She desperately wants Maura to feel safe and not threatened by the gesture of lying together romantically.
"I'm sorry, I'm not doing this in order to re-live it…"
"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for."
"No…" She swipes at her face, annoyed by her tears. "I know that… but that's not the point of why I'm telling you."
"What?"
"All this time, Jane, I could never understand it. The things he'd say, even if he didn't have the courage to do more..."
"Courage? I'll thank Christ for him not having the courage!"
"You're not listening! I couldn't understand the relationship between us but I believe I understand it now…"
"Maura. He could just be an asshole..."
"But he's not... don't you see? I don't think he ever saw me as his own, he never has, or he wouldn't have done what he did. I watched him on this last trip as he watched me… and he doesn't see me at all as he should. He doesn't see me as his daughter. He leers at me, considers me fair play..."
"Fair game…" Jane grimaces at her automated response.
"Thank you, fair game…" But Maura takes it in stride and continues on. "... and I couldn't believe the little comments he was making. He'd always been so sly about it in the past, but this time some of his business associates overheard and I waited to see if they'd say anything but they simply laughed along or walked away. This is why I struggle sometimes! I grew up not asking, not talking in real terms but hiding away. Even at dinner, the night before I returned, he made several suggestive remarks. They may not have been explicit but nevertheless it was still highly unsuitable, but as far as everyone else at the table was concerned, I was on my own. I had to deal with it by playing the dutiful, respectful daughter and ignore it. It made me feel sick."
Fatigue begins to set in and Maura sighs. She rests her head, leaning completely against Jane, her body limp in her arms.
"I know I should feel awful telling you this… it's never been something I could ever discuss, but I find myself being grateful for having you... and the strength of our relationship has allowed me to see the problem for what it is, that it's not mine, but his."
She shifts to look at Jane, and touches her face.
"It's all because of one little phone call with you… the day I phoned and became teary upon hearing your voice, do you remember?"
Jane nods, and kisses her palm as it brushes by.
"At that very moment you helped me to see that although I have to exist in their world on the odd occasion, I don't have to live and experience it as they do, as I once did. I can break the rules... and I'll still have you sitting here at home, grinning at me and loving me for who I am. I can allow myself to react openly… or as you would say… to be real."
Jane held her closer, kissing her forehead and then her cheeks. "I'm so sorry you've had to hold this inside for so long."
She gathers some tissues from the night stand and helps clean Maura's general state. Once she's refreshed Jane holds her close again and says, "And for the record… anytime you wanna play cuddlebug, my laps always available."
Maura laughs. "What about when your mother's around or we're at work?"
"Well, we'll just have to think up some sort of code so we can be sure to get somewhere nice and private."
She puts the clock radio on for a gentle distraction and Maura rests in the crook of her neck. The ME plays with Jane's fingers as an arm brushes slowly up and down her spine. She senses a question coming and prompts for it.
"Go ahead… ask me."
"I guess I'm wondering... does that mean your mum never found out, about that particular incident?"
"I don't know exactly… I believe she knows something happened, but I don't know what it was that she saw. She found me flustered and upset afterwards, but never asked why and I never had the courage to say anything about it. She simply encouraged me to go to bed and get some rest, and it became something we never spoke of, regardless of his behaviour on future occasions."
"God... you better not let me meet him, Maura, or I'm telling you, I could end up gettin' arrested."
"Jane…"
"I'm sorry but you can't expect me to feel any other way… and your mother sure has a lot to answer for too…"
"Please don't…"
"I won't... I won't go off on a witch hunt. I know that won't be helpful, but still…" She huffs, trying to settle herself. "Thank you for telling me."
"You're the only one I could ever possibly tell." She presses her lips to Jane's neck in fond appreciation. "And when you're ready," she says softly, "I'd like for you to explain your response to the idea of me showing you off in that beautiful dress your mother rented."
Her love immediately tenses.
"Not tonight, sweetheart… I merely want to understand what was so offensive to you, so that I don't trigger the same response in the future." She pulls back and caresses the brunette's face. "I never want to make you feel uncomfortable… and I won't push for an explanation, I promise. I want to show you the same level of patience and understanding you've shown me lately." She kisses her gently, making Jane's heart catch and her eyes close. "I love you, Jane," she breathes as they part, "but I place no expectation upon you because of it. I want you to know that."
Strong arms embrace her more thoroughly, and a lover's kiss is placed on her lips. They slide further down in bed and all heartache is lost as they reconnect, encapsulating the moment of Maura's declaration, those three little words that mean so much.
Please review... Thanks, Tj. xx