The Long Way Home: Period of Adjustment
Bella's POV –
The intense pain and fierce burning that filled every inch of my body had subsided a while ago yet I still felt as though my head was in a fog and as if I was pinned down. Both were unnerving sensations and ones that suddenly had been amplified to a degree I had never experienced before.
I wasn't quite sure where I was. I knew that Carlisle's voice was one that I had recognized from time to time however it seemed so far off in the distance I could certainly had imagined it or better yet dreamt it. But it was the tinkling sound of Alice's bubbly voice that picked at my ears now. She was saying something about me being beautiful now, but that I always had been. There was a mention of Edward and how I knew him better than anyone. I was frustrated not being able to discern what was real and what was a dream. Then again hadn't my whole life been some odd dream since arriving in Forks? In this place fairy tales weren't mere stories made up to entertain children but indeed they were real and full of truths.
I felt a gentle touch which I assumed was Alice yet something was off. The icy feeling typically associate with any member of the Cullen family was void instead all I could feel was the touch. Not a differentiating distinction between my skin and that of the person that was stroking me. Once more I was filled with an unnerving feeling.
I struggled against the heaviness that kept my lids closed. I wanted desperately to open them and get a better sense of what was going on around me. Again Alice's sweet voice was melodious in my ear, telling me that everything was going to be fine; that we would make it through this. Make it through what I wanted to scream?
I felt trapped in my own body and suddenly a sense of fear overtook me as random memories began assaulting me. There were flashes of Jacob intertwined with James each toggling between one another with some strobe light effect and even in my confused state of mind it was dizzying.
I did my best to focus on Alice's voice yet each and every sound assaulted me as if I were standing in the middle of a construction zone. Everything sounded so overpowering even the simple noise of what I recognized as a ticking clock was amplified to the umpteenth degree. My mind swirled with so many things none of which I could verbalize. I wanted to scream!
All of the sudden it was like the restraints holding my lids shut had been lifted and the gag that had my mouth bound were gone. "Alice," I heard myself say yet the sound of my own voice was foreign to me. It held a similar velvet tone I always associated with the Cullen family. Again I found myself unnerved. "Alice," I spoke for a second time.
"BELLA!" Alice's voice suddenly sounded like a shriek to my overly sensitive ears. What was going on with me, I thought absently. "You're awake."
"What's going on?" I asked her pushing my body to an upright position. Gazing around the room I knew exactly where I was, Edward's bedroom, yet it was different. Not different in what I saw but in the way I saw things. The CD's lined up neatly on the shelves across the room would have normally been just a mass of colored cases words indiscernible to my eyes but now I was able to read every single title. I heard the gasp that escaped my lips.
"Bella?"
There was trepidation in her tone and once more felt her stroking my arm again the chill that I automatically felt was void all that was there was her touch. "Debussy…Nat King Cole…Dizzy Gillespie…Le Mes…" I said reading the titles on but a mere few of Edward's massive CD collection. "I can read all of them." I heard the disbelief in my voice.
"I would imagine you can," Alice agreed with me.
She moved aside as I swung my legs to the side of the black leather sofa. The moment my bare feet touched the floor I expected the coldness of the white marble tile to penetrate my body, but again there was only the sensation of them touching the hard surface. 'What's going on,' I thought once more.
Padding around the perimeter of the room each step I took echoed loudly in my head sounding as if I was hitting a gong rather than merely walking. I felt my hands begin to tremble as my emotions bubbled up from below. To say I was feeling overwhelmed was a severe understatement.
A tattered copy of Weathering Heights sitting on the desk that flanked the large bank of windows at the end of the room readily caught my attention. "How can I even read that?" I said under my breath. Normally I would have barely noticed that book let alone been able to read its title. "What is going on!" The exasperation in my voice brought Alice forward.
"Bella," she said again reaching for my shoulder. Instantly I shrugged her hand away not wanting to again feel a touch that no longer felt like the Alice I knew.
As if drawn by a force beyond my control, I headed straight to where the book sat. As I picked it up, I recognized my own handwriting. This was the book I had given to Edward scribbling something on the inside cover about how one day he would love this book as much as I did. Looking now at the worn cover and dog eared pages, I vaguely wondered if that had come true.
As I dropped the book back to its resting place on the desk it made a resounding thud that reverberated in my ears. I reached for the desk squeezing it tightly between my fingers as I shook my head in the hopes of forcing the thudding sound to stop. Before I knew what was happening my fingers sunk into the hard wooden top leaving an impression of them behind when I lifted them. I felt my eyes widen at the sight. "Alice," I whispered but before I could turn around to face her she was by my side.
"It's going to be okay," she said softly in my ear.
With thoughts swimming, for a second time I reached for the desk, yet this time an errant ray of sunshine passed through the wall of glass. It was as though diamonds were imbedded in my skin. I immediately shoved my other hand into that beam of light only to see the same effect. This is when I should have felt my heart rate quicken – but nothing which only heightened my panic.
"Do you want to sit?" Alice asked me.
I could do nothing more than shake my head as I ran my brilliant sparkling hand across my arm. My skin felt different – smooth like glass and as hard as granite. The fog in my head was finally lifting as I processed the little clues I was able to wrap my mind around. Yet it wasn't until I turned and saw my reflection in the far off mirror that it all came into focus. It was my crimson, blood red eyes, which sealed it for me. I was a vampire.
"Bella, Bella," Alice forced me to look at her finally.
"How? Who? When?" All those words had further questions to them but I wasn't able to verbalize any of it. All I found myself doing was continually looking at the reflection of myself – flowing chestnut hair framing my smooth ghostly white face with flaming red eyes.
"I'll get Carlisle."
"No!" I reached for her holding her arm with a grip that I didn't know I possessed and up until now I hadn't. "Don't leave," I said suddenly feeling like a frightened child.
Alice complied with my request and gently led me back to the sofa in the middle of Edward's room. "I know it's a great deal to take in and it's going to take some time," she hesitated, "but we will help you," she stressed. "Do you remember anything?"
I knew from what Edward and the others had told me that human memories would fade but right now mine were very vivid. I half expected my eyes to grow damp as the images of Jacob's beatings assaulted me, but those tears never came nor would they again – vampires couldn't cry. "Jacob," was all I could choke out.
"Yes." Alice agreed.
"He hurt me." That was an understatement of huge proportion but it was all I was able to eke out.
"Is that all you remember?"
I couldn't answer her. I indeed remembered it all. Each and every time Jacob's fists connected with my body was etched in my memory. I was thankful that one day none of those recollections would plague me.
"Edward found you," she began. "I had seen that you had finally decided to be with Edward but then you vanished from mind's eye. It was then that Edward read my thoughts and he knew I thought it had been Jacob all along. It was the only thing that made sense as to why I wasn't able to see the bad things that had been happening to you."
There was anguish in her voice and I knew that she felt guilty for not being able to prevent what had happened to me and I should have comforted her telling her that it hadn't been her fault but mine for ever thinking that I could substitute one man for another. However at the moment I couldn't bring myself to say a word. I was caught up in reliving that fateful day in my head.
"Your injuries were too severe. Carlisle did all he could but there wasn't much hope of saving you – at least not for your mortal life. So after some discussion Edward agreed there was no other way but to change you. He and Jasper brought you here……"
Alice was still talking to me but I had stopped listening all I could concentrate on was the part that Edward had to be convinced to change me. He was going to let me die. I felt my hands tighten in my lap and where my once beating heart had been felt constricted. I didn't understand. How could he have not wanted to change me? How could he have wanted me to die?
"Bella?"
I saw the concern flash across Alice's face but I didn't allow her to ask me a thing. "Edward, where is he?" I finally realized that he wasn't there by my side. That idea only sharpened my fear and panic.
"He asked me to stay with you," she announced.
"Where did he go?"
With hesitation in her tone she finally any answered, "I don't know."
Standing up I made my way to the door and headed for the staircase. I could instantly hear the voices of all of the Cullens as if I was standing in the room with them rather than being nearly three flights away. They were all discussing what to do now that I had been changed. There was mention of Denali, who would go with me, something about Canada however through all the voices none that I heard belonged to Edward.
Storming down the stairs without a single falter in my gait I entered the living room to many astonished glances. "Don't I get a say in my own life?" I spouted.
"Bella." Carlisle hastily made his way to where I stood alongside of Alice. "How are you feeling?" He was talking to me but looking directly at his pixie daughter as if he was trying to gauge what my answer would be by her reaction.
"You didn't answer my question," I reminded him pointedly. It seemed as though the tact and diplomacy I used to possess have vanished with my mortal existence.
"Of course you do," he said. "We were only looking out for what's in your best interests. How are you feeling?" he asked again. "How is the thirst?"
Up until that moment I hadn't even thought of that but now that Carlisle had brought it to the forefront of my mind the itchy burning sensation in the back of my throat become all consuming. "It's fine," I answered through a clenched jaw eyes scanning the room for Edward again focusing all of my energy on ignoring my desires for blood.
"Are you sure?" Jasper now piped in. I wondered if he could sense my agitation.
"I said I'm FINE!" I was sure to put quite a bit of emphasis on my finally word. "I need to see Edward. Where is he?"
The looks that I got from those around me were ones of puzzlement. I'm not sure what any of them expected but I was guessing my sudden stoic façade when it came to Edward wasn't something any of them knew how to read. I wasn't sure either as I was still attempting to wrap my head around the fact that apparently Edward hadn't really wanted to change me – that he didn't want me.
They shuffled uneasily before me. I nearly laughed knowing that none of them needed the movement they were exhibiting. They were far more human like than any of them ever realized probably more than I had realized either that was up until the time my cloud of humanness had been replaced with new vampire clarity.
"Where's Edward?" I asked once more unexpectedly getting a little edgy myself.
"Bella," Jasper said moving closer to me. "Everything is fine. Edward is fine. He's just…"
"He's just what?" I interrupted him. "Where is Edward?!" The intonation in my voice grew disconcerted and its pitch rose an octave. "I need Edward – where is he?"
Jasper's POV –
My nerve endings were on high alert as I made my way closer to Bella. She was a jumbled mass of emotions – fear, anxiety, and anger were just a few that were assailing me. I clenched my teeth silently cursing Edward hoping that he was near enough to read my thoughts. This was the last thing Bella needed. She was going through enough as a newborn let alone to have the love of her life just up and disappear.
I wasn't sure how she would react to my attempts to calm her. Bella hadn't a clue of the magnitude of her new found strength and easily she and I could have come to blows only for the sheer reason that she didn't know how to control herself.
As I got closer the feeling that flowed from Bella was that of utter disbelief and despair. Had Edward been right all along? Was the thought of being turned and the actual act of it been something that Bella hadn't truly wanted? Was that where those emotions were stemming from? Would she have rather died than to have become one of us?
God help us all if that was the truth. Edward would be more beside himself than he already was.
"WHERE IS HE?!" Bella's booming voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Edward! Edward!" she began screaming.
Edward's POV –
Bella was awake. Relief washed over me only to be replaced with guilt. What had I done? I had done the unthinkable. I had doomed the woman that I loved to a life of a monster.
Leaning against the tall white wooden fence post I allowed the thoughts of my family to fill my ears. There was Esme and Alice overjoyed that Bella wasn't dead as they once had thought. Carlisle was going through a mental check list of things he wanted and needed to exam on her. He was still concerned that he had given her far too much morphine during her transformation. Emmett was thrilled to have another little sister to pick on and was wondering just how strong a newborn really was. I heard him wondering if he could take her or not. I let out an irritated groan and shook my head. Of course that would be what he was thinking about. Yet somehow I didn't find Emmett's typical behavior comforting. In fact it did nothing but make me angry.
Through all the voices in my head I searched for the sweet familiar sound of Bella. Surely, now I would be able to read her mind – but nothing. Still when it came to Bella there was nothing but a dark chasm where her thoughts should have been. I let out a frustrated growl. How was I ever going to know how she truly felt about being turned? How would I know if what she told me to my face was really what she was thinking?
Rosalie's thoughts were ones that shocked me. She saw herself in Bella. She reasoned as to how similar their situations were. They had been battered, taken advantage of and abused – left for dead but death hadn't come instead it was replaced with a different sort of life.
Would Bella feel towards me the way Rosalie felt towards Carlisle? Would she thank me on one hand from saving her from death but curse me with the other for ripping her from all that she knew?
Rubbing my hands over my face a sigh escaped passed my lips. I was just about to turn and run deep into the woods when Jasper's cursing my name hit me. There was no doubt he was angry but it wasn't his anger that caught my attention. It was his ineffectual attempts to calm Bella that took center stage. He was searching the recesses of his brain for something to say as to where I was.
'What am I supposed to tell her? Where the hell are you, Edward?' I heard him think repeatedly.
Pushing away from my resting place, I headed in the direction of the house. No matter what I was thinking or what Bella might be thinking I couldn't continue to distress her. It went against my grain.
As I crossed the threshold, Bella's thundering voice bombarded me. "WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S EDWARD? WHY ISN'T HE HERE? WHERE IS HE?"
"Here I am," I said revealing myself to seven pairs of bewildered eyes yet it was the crimson ones I wasn't able to meet.