The Long Way Home: Then and Now

Bella's POV –

I positioned myself as far away from the house as I could get without the others coming to look for me. I needed to get away from the continual noise that my new acute vampire hearing now provided me with.

It seemed as though the entire Cullen family, my family, had taken to watching my every move since my change. I couldn't really blame them. I was a newborn after all. I stretched out my arms letting the sunshine, a rare event in Forks, glisten off them. I was still in awe of my new body and the way it was impervious to all things. No longer was I this klutz that Edward constantly had to rescue. I was graceful. That thought made me laugh – Bella Swan and graceful had never before occupied the same sentence.

I scanned my surroundings everything was so sharp, full of so much detail. I was amazed at all the little things I had missed being a mere human. If I had wanted to I could have counted every single blade of grass at my feet without much thought.

Doing my best to concentrate on those blades of lush green grass that carpeted the ground below, I pushed back the continuous burning itch at the back of my throat. It was a relentless gnawing that I couldn't shake. That disturbed me. I suddenly understood Jasper's constant struggle with the life the rest of the Cullen's lived with such ease.

"Stop thinking about it!" I ordered myself. The idleness of my mind I once knew vanished and suddenly the vast space with which my brain had to process things allowed for my persistent thirst to pick at me. The thoughts that passed through my mind disgusted me yet the idea of tasting human blood was tantalizing. It intrigued me to the point of contemplating just one human kill – to cleanse my system of the craving. The logical side of my head finally came out of hiding and rattled off all the reasons why it knew what I had just thought was an impossibility.

Edward had told me once that the taste of human blood would create a frenzy of sorts and stopping was nearly impossible. I had to be strong. I had to be able to do this. I couldn't have Edward regretting turning me more than he already did. I wouldn't be a disappointment to my new family.

Attempting to compartmentalize that intense desire, I brought the memory of just a few days ago to the forefront of my mind. There was the image of Edward, my Edward, hesitantly making his way into the enormous living room.

I remember trying to ignore his faltering gait as he joined us. At the site of him, Alice instantly took my hand in hers. The glances being exchanged between the siblings only heightened my anxiety. I wondered what their silent conversations would reveal if I have been able to hear them. Maybe it was better that I didn't know. At least for a little while longer I could delude myself into thinking that my change wasn't something that totally disgusted the man that I loved. However the vacant expression in his topaz eyes revealed a great deal, or at least it did to me.

~*~*~*~flashback~*~*~*~

'How are you feeling?' he asked me all the while not taking a step closer to me. I found myself glancing around the room at the others hoping for something from any of them that would help me make sense out of Edward's peculiar behavior.

'Adjusting.'

I lied knowing for certain that he could see through my façade, but not a single movement on his part was made to approach me, however, Jasper came closer. I was sure he sensed my uneasiness and was doing what he could to calm me.

I didn't want to be the one to tell him that no amount of his soothing ways was going to work. Nothing was going to work except to have Edward take me in his arms and tell me that he loved me. So far that had yet to happen.

'It is rather disconcerting at first,' he said to me as though he was talking to some random newborn instead of someone he professed to love more than his own life. For me that was more disconcerting than the feelings that were coursing through me right then.

'Way to state the obvious!' Emmett's voice came from across the room and I turned to see him giving Edward a kind of duh look at his brother.

'I'm glad you joined us.' Carlisle took the moment of silence to begin speaking. 'Before Bella joined us we had been speaking about the best way to handle to our current situation.' I remember feeling even more uneasy at Carlisle's statement, like a child who was in the room yet those around them were speaking as if they weren't. 'As you very well know, Bella won't be able to stay in Forks now. We can't take even the slightest chance that someone might see her. And there are many things about her new life she will need to learn. Those things will be much easier to teach her if she isn't encumbered by our current surroundings.'

'So we will move,' Edward said to his father.

'If it were only that simple, son. We can't keep ping ponging in and out of Forks. We have already drawn far too much attention to ourselves. Alice and Jasper have agreed to accompany you and Bella to Canada. We all discussed it and came to the conclusion that would be the optimal location for Bella to adjust to her new life.'

I had only seen panic in Edward's eyes one other time and that had been at the ballet studio in Arizona, but that same look now settled on my love's face – sheer panic. Under normal circumstances my heart would have skipped a beat but not now instead there was nothing but silence.

My own terror began to settle in. Not because of the life lessons I would now need to learn but more so for the way that Edward looked like he was fearful of being alone with me. I had thought that once I had become like him that our life would be perfect – so much for perfection.

'Perhaps it's time we give Bella her first lesson.' Jasper announced. I was sure he was reading my emotions or better yet my cravings. That dry burning itch at the back of my throat was getting harder and harder to ignore, but I did my best to do just that. I didn't want Edward to see my as some crazed newborn deepening that regret I could see he already had about my change.

As we walked deeper into the forest, myself at the center of the Cullen family circle, the sights and sounds were overwhelming. All things had taken on such clarity that it was almost overpowering my senses. It was as though I was on overload. Each one of my footsteps sounded like thunder ringing in my ears. It brought back memories of watching Edward and his family playing baseball in that large open field.

'We will be here to guide you every step of the way.' Jasper said to me. Absently I wondered why Edward wasn't the one reassuring me, but those thoughts only lasted a moment while I got lost in the wonderment of my surroundings.

I listened as Carlisle began instructing me and telling me to allow my instincts to be my guide. I felt Alice squeeze my hand as she gave me an impish smile all the while Jasper's aura of calm encased me like a cocoon. And before I knew what was happening I found myself running with them all – hunting. Alice and Jasper kept pace with me guiding me along some path I couldn't see yet miraculously a deer crossed my path and then a second and third. Immediately I zeroed in on the thumping of the blood coursing through their veins. It took little if any effort on my part to pounce and as Carlisle had said my instincts were my guide. The warm blood gushed passed my lips and down my throat swiftly captivating me momentarily.

I wasn't sure how long we were in the forest that afternoon but I know that I had lost count the number of animals that had crossed my path and met their deaths at my hands but when all was said and done I felt satisfied. Jasper must have been able to sense my contentment and suggested that we call it a day - we couldn't risk the slightest possibility that someone, even a random hiker, would happen upon Chief Swan's dead daughter.

Making our way back to the house, I wanted more than anything for Edward to reach for me yet each time I glanced at him he couldn't or wouldn't meet my gaze. Suddenly I wished I could still cry at least I would have had some release for all the emotions streaming through my already overly sensitive body.

"Bella," Alice's voice pulled me from my memory. I looked up to see my new sister hesitantly approaching me. I wondered if Jasper could sense my despair even from this lengthy distance. "Are you all right?' she asked me.

"I'm fine," I said with little if any intonation in my tone.

"I'm not so sure I believe you," Alice said with an impish grin. "I know it's only been a few days and there's so many new things – new sensations to deal with. And I know that you haven't truly had enough time to deal with the things that brought about your change to begin with."

I knew she was talking about Jacob and what he had done yet I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to relive those memories through my now heightened senses they have been horrible enough when I had been human there was no telling what they would do to me as a vampire.

"Alice, please," I said.

"Bella," I heard her sigh. I knew I was frustrating her and that I should have cared but at the moment I didn't. "Don't shut us out," she said to me. "We can't help you if you do that."

Help me she said. The only one of them that I needed help from had barely looked at me in days let alone offered his assistance. This wasn't at all how I had imagined it would be. In my transformation I had always seen Edward at my side, guiding me, supporting me, and loving me the way he always had. However that wasn't the case – he was nowhere around me. I entered a room he would exit it. It was as though he couldn't stand to be near me. I wondered when Jasper would arrive to ease my distressed emotional state.

"I hate seeing you like this," my dear friend offered distressed herself I was sure of it.

"Then don't watch," I bit back caustically at her. That was so unlike me. Who was I kidding none of this was like me. How could it be? I wasn't Bella the mere mortal anymore. I was Bella the crazed newborn with a blood lust that I was struggling to control.

"Would you like to hunt again?" Jasper appeared out of nowhere.

"NO!" I shot him a fiery look then suddenly relented, "I'm sorry," I said knowing that it was Jasper's influence that brought about those words. I struggled against his gifts but at the moment he was stronger than I or maybe I just had gotten tired of fighting him.

"I'll leave you two alone," Alice addressed us before turning on her heel and heading back to the expansive white house.

"You don't have to fight so hard against the thirst. We can hunt as much as you need to while you are adjusting to the change." Jasper's voice was soft. "You have nothing to prove to anyone."

I turned and looked at him believing that Edward was the only one of his family that could read minds. It was silly I knew that Jasper hadn't read my thoughts literally but in some odd way he was. I certainly was trying to prove something to someone – to Edward. I wanted him to see that I was a good newborn, that I was handling this change seamlessly. But I wasn't. If anything I was failing miserably. This unbridled thirst was all consuming and it wasn't animal blood that I desired it was human blood. How funny was that? When I had been a human the sight of human blood made me violently ill but now it controlled my every single thought.

"Don't I," I finally said to him.

"No you don't." Oh how I wanted to believe him. To get lost in the blissful feelings exuding from his aura but that wasn't about to happen. No amount of Jasper's emotional magic changed the facts as I now knew them to be – Edward regretted changing me so much so that he had built a wall between us. A wall that I didn't know how to scale or even begin to try.

"I really just want to be alone," I said to him.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Jasper countered eyeing me carefully.

"Please, Jasper," I begged him. I wanted to be left alone in my despair. It wasn't fair of me to be making him miserable too having to try so hard to placate my mood.

I felt him reach out for my hand giving it a slight squeeze. "Alice is right you aren't alone in this." He told me. So why is that exactly how I felt completely and totally alone? I knew why because I was. The one person I needed no longer wanted me and that hurt worse than being left in alone in the forest.

"I'll be inside if you change your mind about hunting."

I watched Jasper disappear along the same path that had carried Alice into the house. It suddenly hit me just how much Jasper's presence had affected my emotions for right now there I stood with this weight crushing me. Bombarded I was with vivid recollections of my time with Jacob and while he could no longer hurt me it was as though I could still feel the sting of his abuse against my now granite skin. My extreme want for a single taste of human blood pounded at the back of my throat. There was an ache there that I knew would never be truly satisfied no matter how much animal blood I consumed. That scared the hell out of me. How was I to be a part of the Cullen Family – Edward's family if I couldn't control my bloodlust?

Oh how I wanted to cry – wished for tears that would no longer come. There was no way for me to release all these pent up emotions that coursed through me at such a swift pace. I felt like I was going mad!

Edward's POV –

From my perch I watched Jasper with Bella – my Bella, but was she that anymore? My brother reached out and took her hand in his. I wished that I couldn't read his thoughts. I wished that I didn't know what a horrible time Bella was having with her transformation. It was my fault. All of it from the very beginning was my fault. My need to protect her from my world – my life had ultimately caused her to be in the thick of it without her consent.

I couldn't let her die though. The thought of a world without Bella in it wasn't one that I could fathom. I had given her what she said you wanted, what she begged me to do that night of the prom but was that what she still would have wanted now. I had taken her choice from her. Would she have chosen death over becoming like us? I didn't know and now I never would.

I watched her tucking my body out of her line of sight. I couldn't bear for her to look at me. The way her eyes glared at me was more than I could take. Did she hate me for what I had done to her? Yet I couldn't help myself from observing her still. She sat in the bright sunlight and I finally was able to see what she had seen the day I revealed what I was to her. She had said I was beautiful, that it was like diamonds. I retorted that day that it was the skin of a killer but now I saw it from her perspective. She was beautiful tiny iridescent shimmers surrounded her perfect features. Yes, she was still my Bella the striking girl who I had fallen in love with despite myself and better judgment.

I felt my dead heart constrict. What had I done to her though? I had damned her to an existence that robbed her of her soul. I could hear Jasper and Alice's hushed voices a floor below me. It didn't take my mind reading gift to know what they were talking about – it was Bella. They were worried about her, worried how isolated she was, worried that her warring desires might be too much for her to bear.

My fault I thought. All my fault. I had made the wrong choice and it killed me to know that my selfishness once again had harmed my love in a way there was no returning from.

Carlisle's POV –

Alone I sat in my study staring out the expansive panes of glass at the back of the room. My mind wandered through the events of the past weeks trying to come up with some alternate path that would have brought about a different outcome.

The dark cloud that hung over Forks had nothing to do with the continual rain that pelted the earth and so much to do with the death of Chief Swan's daughter. I knew either way there would have been a funeral but it was still difficult for me to rationalize the part I played in the charade. Esme and I attended the funeral out of respect for Charlie and admittedly to keep up appearances. It would have looked out of the ordinary if none of the members of the Cullen Family had shown up.

I tried to shake off the images of that day that haunted me. Charlie's tears though were one that I was sure I would never be able to erase. There was no amount of comfort that could take away the pain of losing a child. My beautiful wife, Esme, knew that all too well. That's what had caused her to jump off that cliff so many years ago – the loss of a child. It pained me to know that Charlie Swan was going to have to life with that pain for the rest of his life.

"The house is so quiet," I heard Esme say as she entered the room. I knew she was referring to the silence that Emmett and Rosalie's absence had caused. Emmett's booming voice typically could be heard throughout the house. He was our jokester and without him I had to admit it was oddly quiet.

"I know," I agreed with my wife. Easily I felt her light touch on my shoulder and instantly I pulled her on to my lap. I was relieved that she hadn't been angrier at me for my deception. I hadn't intended to lie to them, not really, but the circumstances had left me with little choice. "What's troubling you?" I asked her seeing the worry etched on her delicate features.

"I know we agreed that it was best for Emmett and Rosalie to go, but I still can't help but worry that it's going to end badly. Jacob, he's" I heard her pause, "he's volatile. There's no telling what they might have to face if they find him."

I understood Esme's apprehension, I had some of my own as well but I also realized that there was no keeping Emmett and surprisingly Rosalie from hunting Jacob like the dog he was – Emmett's words not mine. No one in the family wanted Jacob Black to get away with what he had done to Bella.

"Try not to worry," I said to her kissing her forehead softly. "They are doing what needs to be done."

"I understand," Esme agreed with me, "But I still fear what could happen. Carlisle, I don't want to lose any member of this family."

I couldn't help but wonder if we already hadn't. Edward was so not himself and hadn't been since the night of Bella's transformation. I could feel him pulling away from all of us and that troubled me a great deal. But it was his detached behavior with Bella that truly alarmed me. Not even when he had made his decision to leave her after that fateful night of her eighteenth birthday had he acted so coldly towards her.

"Now I have to ask what's worrying you?" Esme cupped my chin with her graceful hand our matching topaz eyes meeting.

"Edward," I told her plainly. "What if I forced his decision about Bella? What if in the hysteria of it all I pushed him into something he actually didn't want to do?"

"Bella would have died." Esme said plainly. "You know as well as I do that that's not what he would have wanted."

"Yes, but he was so against her becoming like him."

"And do you really think he truly wanted the alternative?" I knew she was speaking of Bella's dying and part of me understood that wasn't an outcome Edward could have withstood but it certainly seemed as though her current existence wasn't one he could handle either.

"I honestly don't know." I answered her with the sound of defeat in my tone.

"The right decision was made. I know it was." She reassured me.

"I hope you're right."

The soft knocking on the door ended our conversation yet it didn't put a halt to endless monologue of my thoughts. "We are packed and ready to go," I saw Alice and Jasper standing in the doorway.

"So soon?" I heard the trepidation in Esme's voice. I understood how it pained Esme to see all of her children spread far and wide

"It's past time." Jasper said matter of fact. "Bella needs to hunt freely and I hate to admit it but at the moment she's more like me than the rest of family. She's having a difficult time adjusting to the vegetarian lifestyle. We need to remove as much temptation as we can."

"Agreed." I told him. "Where is Bella now?" I asked the pair.

"She's waiting for us in the foyer." Alice answered me.

"And Edward?" I dared ask.

"Putting the bags in the car." Jasper told me. He and I exchanged glances bothered by Edward's odd behavior.

Esme slipped off my lap and reached for my hand. I knew that she wasn't about to let the rest of the family go without her giving them a proper good-bye. Making our way into the spacious foyer, I saw Bella standing wearily almost as if she felt out of place.

"Please know that I wish we could go with all of you." My beautiful wife said to her newest daughter.

"I know." Bella's voice sounded flat to me. My fears that I had pushed for the wrong choice picked at me once more.

"We will all be together soon, I know we will." I wasn't sure who Esme was trying to convince more herself or Bella.

"I know." Bella answered her with that same lifeless tone.

I saw the door swing open and observed Edward stop at the threshold not daring to be next to Bella. "Everything's ready." I heard him say to no one in particular.

"We love you." Esme reached for them all hugging them tightly. That was when I saw Edward visibly stiffen as he was forced to make contact with Bella. It upset me to watch the disconnect between them.

"We will call when we can." Alice said I was sure for more Esme's benefit than mine.

"Be safe." Esme said to them. I reached for her hand squeezing it tightly. I knew that if she could have shed tears they would be streaming down her snow white cheeks at that very moment.

I watched as the four of them walked off in the direction of the garage. I knew this was what was best for Bella and her transition into her new life, but part of me knew that she wouldn't ever truly be complete until Edward could come to terms with whatever was eating away at him.