The Long Way Home: New Surroundings; Same Circumstances

Bella's POV –

I had never been to Canada before. The wilderness around me was lush and dense and if the circumstances had been different I might have enjoyed exploring my surroundings but not now all I could focus on was still the overpowering way everything bombarded me. I wondered if I would ever truly get used to the way my new senses felt, how all consuming even the minutest detail suddenly was. Alice and Jasper assured me that eventually I would find a way to compartmentalize the bulk of it so that I would be able to walk through the world in seemingly normal fashion. But right now the bird's songs were too loud, the rustling of the leaves on the forest floor were too noisy, the wind's whistling through the trees was earsplitting.

Jasper tried to soothe me and admittedly I did feel more peaceful when he was near however the one I needed near, the one I was sure would bring me calm was barely there. It was funny to me how Edward busied himself with so many human things now – unnecessary things really but it was those things that allowed him to keep his distance from me. That thought stung and brought about that same hole in my heart feeling that I had had when he left me so long ago.

"Are you all right?" I had forgotten that Alice was walking along side me. She had taken me under her wing these last few weeks helping me adjust to my new diet and actually she was a skilled hunter. Her swiftness and pixie stance gave her a serious advantage over the boys.

"I'm fine." I wondered what she was now seeing in my future. She had always professed to see me as one of them but I had to wonder if this was exactly how she had seen it. Had she foreseen Edward's distance and if she had would she have still seen me becoming a vampire?

"Hunting is getting easier isn't it?" she asked me. I could sense her trepidation as she spoke. I found it odd when the one who could see so much seemed to be so very blind at the moment.

"Yes, it is. Thank you." I told her. I was indeed grateful to her. It was easy to hunt with her or even Jasper. Hunting with Edward, even though he did that very little if ever with me, was much more taxing on me. I didn't want to disappoint him. I wanted to prove to him that changing me had been the right decision and that I was adjusting well to my new life and diet.

"I'm going to head in, are you coming?" Alice asked me.

"No." I answered the last place I wanted to be was inside having to look at Edward while he endlessly did his best to avoid me. I would save us all the agitation and stay outdoors. "I think it's best if I stay here. It will give me time to practice that compartmentalizing you and Jasper keep telling me will happen." I lied. By the expression on my new sister's face I knew she knew I was lying.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing GREAT! We are all inside if you need us." She smiled at me as she bounced towards our new home.

They were inside that was true and I did need them, one of them more than the others. I shook my head to stave off the new wave of thoughts that bombarded me. I couldn't allow myself to think about Edward. I needed to focus on getting control of my yearnings – cravings really. The idea of drinking human blood, tasting it just once even, was still something that taunted me. I was angry that this all wasn't easier. I have always imagined that becoming like Edward and his family, something that I had wanted, would have made the transition simpler no matter what was said to the contrary. But that so wasn't the case. Animal blood indeed sated the burning at the back of my throat and allowed me to think more clearly but like Edward had described it once that it never fully satisfied the desire that forever bubbled beneath the surface.

Thankfully though for me this part of Canada was sparsely populated. There wasn't a human for a hundred if not a thousand mile radius that elevated a lot of my tension about making a mistake – a mistake that I couldn't afford to make if I was to ever get Edward to stop seeing what he had done as a grievous mistake. Pushing thoughts of Edward to the back of my now expansive mind, I nestled my body in the soft green grass. I ran my hand across its lush surface and felt the differences in each individual blade beneath my touch. It was such an odd sensation.

I looked up and the cover of clouds obstructed the sun. It was gloomier here than it had been in Forks if that was even possible. I would have enjoyed the sun on my now hardened flesh especially since there would be no worries of being seen and being discovered for what I now was. Forks, another thing that I tried not to think about but suddenly I wasn't able to control the thoughts that marched through my mind. Before I could stop them from assaulting me images of Jacob flashed in front of me. The reflections of the things he had done to me blipped in and out of my mind's eye randomly, almost out of order yet still making sense. I absently wondered if that was my brain's heightened capacity allowing me to see so clearly when typically I would have been distracted by it all.

I could feel my extremities shaking and as much as I wanted to stop them I couldn't. My mind replayed all those times Jacob hurt me. I saw myself flying over our bed, I remembered the blood running off my body as I showered, I felt the pain of his claws and thrust of his fists against my body. It was all so crystal-clear almost as though it was happening all over again. Somewhere in my mind I heard my own cries, my pleading for him to stop. I heard myself gasping now still trembling uncontrollably.

"Bella." I jumped at the sound of Jasper's voice. I hadn't realized that he had even approached me. "Bella. It's all right." He said with his always calming tone. I felt him touch my shoulder before sitting down beside me. "They are just memories. He can't hurt you anymore."

I wasn't sure what Alice had seen, or what Jasper had known about what I was thinking but right now I felt anything but all right. Typically I would have been rattled, scared even but that wasn't what I was feeling. I was feeling an intense anger, rage even for the things that had been done to me. I was furious at Jacob and myself for allowing all of it to happen.

"Please Bella, try to relax." I knew I was fighting against Jasper's gifts and it wasn't purposely really. I was just unable to organize my thoughts in such a way that allowed for rational thinking on my part.

I wasn't sure how long Jasper sat next to me. I assumed it had to be awhile because eventually I began to feel tranquil and was able to put some semblance of order to my ragged thoughts.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jasper pensively asked me. I shook my head not trusting my voice. I wasn't sure if like the human version of me it would crack and reveal my still uneasiness and fears. "I promise those human memories will not always be so vivid. And in due time they will get easier to put in their proper place until they ultimately fade into nothing.

I wanted to believe him honestly I did yet at that very moment I had my doubts that I would ever be rid of them. "I want you to understand that none of us is judging you. Being a newborn is a different experience for each of us. No one expects you to be perfect."

I heard his words but again didn't I have faith in them. I expected myself to be perfect, needed to be so that Edward could stop regretting the decision that had been made.

Alice's POV –

I didn't need my gift of seeing the future to know that something was amiss with Bella. By the way Jasper shot out of his chair and raced from the room, well it was a dead giveaway. I hated how this was all playing out. This wasn't at all like I had seen it happening but then again I also hadn't seen Edward being such a jerk. His decisions had definitely changed my vision.

Jasper and I were doing our best to acclimate Bella to her new life but there was no denying that she needed Edward. It was written all over her face through every one of her actions or sometimes inactions. It destroyed me to watch her suffering so much – so unnecessarily in my opinion.

I was well aware of the struggles she was having. They weren't unlike those of the man that I loved. Jasper still on occasion labored with the 'vegetarian' lifestyle we led. He and I had discussed at length the warring sides we knew were within Bella at the moment. Yet we both agreed that even baring those factors she was doing incredibly well for a newborn. Her hunting skills were strong and all the while she battled such strong urges for human blood she hadn't faltered once. Jasper had told me how very impressed he was with our new sister. Bella was not a blood crazed newborn by any means.

That alone gave me hope that eventually she would settle into our lifestyle and ultimately flourish – that was only if my brother could get out of his own way. I knew that without Edward, not matter how well Bella adjusted, she would be lost.

I could hear the pages of the book Edward was pretending to read rustle as he flipped them one by one. I felt my frustration with him growing minute by minute. He was being ridiculous. Why couldn't he see that? I knew why because he was Edward and he had spent so much of his time hating himself, not feeling worthy of anything good that he was destroying the best thing that had happened to him in one hundred years. His words not mine even though I totally agreed with him.

I walked to the window and observed Jasper sitting on the ground next to Bella. She looked noticeably distressed and I felt for my partner. He had taken on so much with his efforts to soothe and calm Bella time and time again. I could tell it was wearing on him even though he would never admit it. That fact was just another reason for my frustration and anger with Edward. He was so caught up in his own angst that he had lost sight of everything else. I knew he thought he was being a martyr but I believed he was being completely selfish. That thought alone pushed me to seek him out, try to reason with him, or get him to see what his inactions were doing to us all, especially the one he professed to love.

"We need to talk." I told him as I took the book I knew he wasn't reading from his hands.

"Not now Alice." He answered.

"Yes now!" I forced. "This has to stop Edward. You have to get over whatever it is that you're doing, thinking." My frustrations were getting the better of me. When he turned to face me I could see the torment in his black eyes but part of me didn't care. His torment was self inflicted and honestly I had had about all I could take of it. This wasn't about him it was about Bella and what she needed and it was about time he came to understand that.

"Please go." He told me.

"No!" I said to him. "It's time you dealt with the way things are now. Can't you see what your distance is doing to Bella? Don't you remember what it was like to be a newborn? What would you have done if Carlisle had just left you to your own devices?"

"She has you and Jasper." Edward retorted.

"She needs YOU!" I wanted to shake him in the hope that it would shake some sense into him. How could he be so blind?

"She needs anything but me."

"You can't believe that, can you?" I was shocked by his words. How could he think that? I know he wasn't able to read Bella's thoughts but even a mere mortal could see with the naked eye how much Bella loved him and needed him.

"This conversation is over." He told me as he got up from his perch.

"The hell it is!" I positioned myself between him and the door my anger was getting the better of me. "I don't know what the hell has gotten into you Edward but it has to stop! She needs you. Jasper and I are nothing but poor substitutes. Yes we can school her in what she needs to learn, we can guide her and hell yes we can love her, but it's your love she desires, your acceptance she needs."

I watched as he buried his face in his hands letting out an exasperated gasp. "This isn't the way it was supposed to be."

"But it is. She wanted this Edward. She's always wanted this. Why are you denying what you already know?"

"Not like this! Not without her consent!"

"Edward, she was dying! There wasn't time for consent nor was it needed. You wanted her to die rather than change her?" I didn't know the man standing before right then. This wasn't the Edward I had known. Bella's death was never something he could have tolerated but now it seemed like that's what he would have preferred."

"I never wanted her to die." He whispered all the while not looking at me.

"She might as well have if you aren't planning on being a part of her life." I said matter of fact before stepping aside allowing him exit from the room.

Edward's POV –

'She might as well have if you aren't planning on being a part of her life.'

Alice's words rang in my ears as I wondered truly how much truth they held. The thought of losing Bella had always been a death sentence of sorts for me. That's why I had come back because I didn't know how to exist without her, that's why I had changed her because a world without Bella in it wasn't a world I could envision. Yet changing her had been a mistake. This wasn't a life for her. I had heard the thoughts of those around me. I knew what a difficult time she was having with 'the change' and no matter how many times I heard how well she was doing, adjusting I still couldn't shake the ominous feeling that I had acted out of my own selfishness ignoring what was best for my love.

I'd seen firsthand the changes that had taken place in her and not just those that made her like me and my family. There was an aggressiveness that human Bella had never possessed prior to her change. I could see how filled with anger she was. I had caused that anger. It was my fault.

There was no denying that I had ruined the one that I loved. I had turned her into the monster I always saw myself to be. She hated me. It was easy to see that she did. She couldn't look at me. She didn't feel the same way about me. How could she I took away her choices. I let her become like me for no other reason than I didn't want to lose her. She was paying for my selfishness! I let out an exasperated groan and took off running even though I knew there was no escaping what I had done.

Jasper's POV –

I wasn't sure how long I sat with Bella but finally I was able to feel her become less agitated. The act of truly calming her was one I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do. Her anxiety was running high and it didn't take a mind reader, which I wasn't, to know why. It was apparent that Edward's distance and what Bella assumed was its cause was what brought about her angst.

I could sympathize with her plight. The 'vegetarian' lifestyle that our family led wasn't an easy one. In fact it was downright impossible at first, at least it had been for me and I had had Alice by my side through it all. I wasn't able to think of what it had to have been like for Bella without the one she loved beside her.

I knew that Alice and I were doing our best to serve as stand-ins but there was really no replacement for whom and what she really needed. If I was honest with myself I admittedly still struggled with my own blood lust, sitting each and every day through the tortures of high school with so many delicious scents had a tendency to drive me mad at times. And then when Edward had decided to take up with Bella, a human – a tantalizing one no less, well I didn't know if I could survive it, or if she would for that matter.

That day of her birthday party at our house was a vivid memory. It amazed me that such a minuscule drop of human blood had frenzied me to the point of lunging toward her. The rest of it played out in slow motion as I am sure it did for the remainder of the family, yet for me it was by far different. It had been my actions that had in turn propelled Edward to make the decision that he had, had brought Jacob into Bella's life, had allowed her to sustain such abuse and ultimately put her in the position of death or becoming like us. I was the root of it all. I had been told over and over that no one blamed me but part of me didn't honestly believe that. I was to blame or at least the part I played in the event and its fallout.

"Jasper," Bella's voice beside me startled me. I had actually forgotten she was next to me. "I am so sorry for what I must be putting you through right now."

Penance, I thought to myself. "You aren't putting me through anything. I told you we were here to make your transition as easy as possible." I smiled at her slightly. "There's no need to worry about anything." I told her.

"I wish that were true." I heard her voice drop an octave and felt her emotions begin to spiral again. "This isn't at all how I expected it. I thought I would be stronger. I wanted this, knew the pitfalls but still I can't get a grip on my cravings."

"No one expects you to." The way she looked at me I was sure her mind held other thoughts. "Bella, what you don't seem to understand is for a newborn, well you are unlike any I have ever seen. You do have strength. You are strong." She shook her head as I spoke. "Seriously, did you presume that human blood wouldn't appeal to you? Did you actually believe that you would never think of feeding on a human? That's unrealistic," I told her honestly. "Even Carlisle who has the utmost restraint had to deal with his cravings at the start. He barracked himself away nearly starving himself to death until he was sure that he could control his urges. None of us is perfect, Bella and if you think that that's what any of us expects you are mistaken."

I assumed that's exactly what she thought that Edward expected – perfection and because she was faltering that's why he was staying away. I wished that I could get my brother to see that his actions were the root cause of this all and the snowball effect that it was causing for us all.

"Thank you Jasper." She told me as she rose to a standing position and walked off into the distance. It upset me to know that I wasn't able to do anything to genuinely help her.