The Long Way Home: Under a Watchful Eye

Bella's POV –

I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the fact that we had been in Canada over a month now – that I had been a vampire a little longer than that. Admittedly Alice and Jasper had been right things were getting easier. I was able to put a lot of the things that had originally overwhelmed me into the background and focus on just one or two things at a time and to the outside world I would have appeared to be a typical human, not that there was anyone around us to take notice.

I sat a few yards from our new home. The warm summer air rustled my hair and the sun glinted off my now stone like flesh. I looked at my arms, hands stretching out my fingers watching the sparkles of light dance before me. The realization of it all was finally beginning to settle in. Bella Swan, the human version of her, no longer existed. My heart felt heavy with thoughts of Charlie and what he had to be going through. I hated that he had to believe I was dead but I knew that there was no way around that untruth. There had been a time when I thought that was acceptable collateral damage but now I had to wonder especially with the void that Edward's distance had made in my life.

I knew from what I had been told, changed or not changed, my dad would have still been having a funeral. I still wasn't able to process just how horrible Jacob had been to me. Sometimes I let my mind wonder to the boy who welcomed me back to Forks with his father's old Chevy pickup truck. He had such a bright smile back then, one that lit up his face. And when Edward left me, Jacob had been my anchor, what had stopped me from drifting to sea destination unknown. How was I supposed to reconcile those things, the wonderful things about him with the abusive ones? It wasn't like I didn't know they happened or I was trying to explain them away since there was no amount of explanations that would do that. It just devastated me that the love Jacob professed to have for me could have ended up so twisted and contorted when things didn't end up as he had envisioned.

Had it been any different with Edward I suddenly thought? No, Edward wasn't physically abusing me but what he was doing to me by isolating himself, pushing me away at every turn for me was just as ravaging.

If it hadn't been for Jasper and Alice, particularly Jasper, I wasn't sure if I would have come as far as I had. I knew what a burden my freewheeling emotions were for him. I was all over the map and he did what he could to quiet me. I owed him a debt that I was certain that I would never be able to repay. I found with Jasper I was able to let down my defenses, my guard per say, in a way that I couldn't not even with Alice who I knew loved me like a sister. Jasper understood me in a way that the others didn't. Maybe it was because I knew he struggled with many of the same issues I did or perhaps it was just that his waves of calm made me believe that but either way I was more at ease with him than anyone.

I laid back against the soft grass and stared up at the bright blue sky. Once I would have passed the time looking for shapes in the clouds but now I found that I could do that and still ponder so many other things. I couldn't stop thinking about how different Jasper and Edward were. Jasper was so approachable while Edward was walled off and unreachable. I knew for Jasper nothing I did was a disappointment. He had told me time and time again how proud he was of me and my efforts but Edward and his lack of attention, aversion to me in fact spoke volumes of his regret and disillusionment with his choice to change me. I tried to hide how much that hurt me but there was no hiding those emotions from Jasper. He never forced me to talk about any of it but I could tell he wanted to. Maybe he thought he could somehow change my mind, but I could see with my own eyes what Edward was feeling. It was written over every feature of his gorgeous face.

I wish I knew how to merge what I expected my life as a vampire would be like with what it in fact was. It was a life without Edward. That was never part of my vision. I had always seen myself as his mate. I thought that's what he would have wanted too. How could I have been so wrong about the love I thought he held for me? How was I supposed to be part of the Cullen Family without sharing all that that meant with Edward?

"Enjoying the sun I see," Jasper's chipper voice pulled me from my somber thoughts.

"Yes I am." I stretched out my arms further soaking up the rays. "It's nice not to have to hide." I told him.

"I know." He agreed leaning back on his elbows gazing skyward. "How are you?" He asked me.

"Getting better." I could tell by the way he eyed me wearily I wasn't covering my apprehensive mood all that well. "I'm trying." I relented with a sly smile.

"That's all you can do is keep trying. Things have gotten better I do realize that."

"Yes they have." I was glad we were in agreement on that at least.

"How's your thirst? Have you been hunting enough?"

"I think so. The burning and itching is far less noticeable for the most part. Alice is very good about taking me out regularly as I am sure you are aware."

"That she is." Jasper smiled. I knew he was avoiding the rather large elephant that had set up residence in the field with us. He never was one to push but I could tell by his sudden need to fidget that he was hoping to broach a subject that I clearly didn't want to discuss. "I was thinking we might not need to stay away from civilization as long as we originally anticipated. Maybe in a few weeks we can move to a more populated area and test the waters so to speak."

That thought suddenly alarmed me. Out here in the wilderness without a human for miles controlling my desires had become easy but the idea of being close to even a few humans had me fearing that would be more temptation than I could withstand.

"Bella, you can do this." Jasper reassured me. "I know how scared you are to try but we have to. Alice and I will be right there the entire time. I promise you that we won't let you down."

"It's not you who I am worried about letting down," I said knowing full well I was opening the door just a crack to a conversation that eventually I needed to have. I felt Jasper shift beside me and I waited for the pat response he typically gave me but nothing came. I admittedly was a little stunned.

"I'm never going to get you to see things another way am I?" he asked me seriously.

"How can I?" I countered his question. "How Edward feels is glaringly staring me in the face every day."

"That's not what he's feeling." Jasper told me. "That's just how he's choosing to act. Those aren't at all his true feelings."

"How would I know any different? He's made himself inaccessible. I can only go by what he's showing me."

"I agree, but you have to know that's NOT what he's feeling." Jasper continued trying to make me understand but my brain was unyielding.

"He doesn't want me, again," I added softly.

"He loves you!" Jasper announced. "He's just so stubborn. He's angry…"

"Angry that I can't be better at this lifestyle." I cut him off before he was able to continue.

"NO! Angry at himself for what he thinks he's done to you."

"He saved me from dying. He regrets that?" I heard my own words hitch in my throat.

"NO!" Jasper's tone sounded discouraged to my ears. "He feels that he didn't give you a choice. He took that away from you when you didn't have a voice of your own to say no."

"I wouldn't have said no," I told him plainly.

"I know that. That's why I pushed so hard for you to be changed. I knew that you wanted this. And I knew my brother wouldn't have survived your death." He said to me honestly.

"Then why?" I questioned, "Why is he doing this? I don't understand."

"I don't know."

"How am I supposed to be part of your family if the part that I love the most can't stand to be in the same room as me let alone look at me? I can't be a burden to the rest of the family like that nor can I ask them to choose between me and Edward."

"No one thinks that. You ARE part of our family, Bella." Jasper stressed to me. "You have been since the day that Edward decided he couldn't be without you."

"I wish I believed you." I whispered truthfully. Jasper's arm came over my shoulder and he pulled me against his. Easily I rested my head there and if I had still been able to cry tears would have covered my face.

Edward's POV –

The house was quiet, too quiet almost. I had gotten used to having the thoughts of so many others in my head that when it was silent it was oddly disconcerting. I searched room by room only to find that I was alone. There was a part of me that found relief in that. As of late both Alice and Jasper had taken to shouting their displeasure at my actions towards Bella and the distance that I had chosen to keep from her, all of them really. Doing that was simpler for me though. I wasn't forced to hear their thoughts about Bella. I didn't have to listen to their worries about how she was handling everything. It was the coward's way out I knew that yet it was the path I had decided to take.

Putting one foot in front of the other I padded out onto the large porch that wrapped around the house we were now calling home. The summer air filled my nostrils as the sun danced between the trees in the distance. The rain had finally subsided and I wondered if that had pleased Bella. I knew how she hated the cold and wet. Why couldn't I stop thinking about her? Why was there always something around me that reminded me of her? There was no denying a part of me ached for her. I missed her desperately, her touch, the way her body seemed to fit perfectly against mine, and how we could spend endless hours talking, just being together. Those things were no more and I had been the reason for that. I had forced her into a life that she hadn't asked for at least not at the moment that it happened. I know that she had asked me once why I hadn't just let James' venom spread allowing her to become like me. At the time she sounded so sure that's what she had wanted. But that was before I had hurt her so much by leaving her. Things had changed and I knew that and that thought was slowly killing me.

Rounding the corner the sight that came before stopped me frozen in my tracks. Bella and Jasper were out in the distance a ways sitting in the grass. I felt my eyes bore holes in Jasper's back as he sat holding Bella against his shoulder. My eyes were riveted on them. Fists clenched at my sides I felt venom leech into mouth. Suddenly I was unable to control the monster that raged within me. I knew this feeling – it was jealousy – I had felt it before in terms of Bella's many suitors but yet this was different. Then I had known that Bella wasn't in a position to return their affections however from the looks of it things with Jasper were different.

Reaching for the white wooden railing, my fingers easily turned the solid surface into nothing but dust floating to the ground. That was my Bella he cradling in his arms. Anger flashed through me not even caring if I was close enough for him to feel my mood. I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to know how out of line I thought he was. This wasn't the first time I had witnessed such closeness between the two of them. It seemed like every time I turned around they were sharing a moment or had their heads locked together. On one hand it was driving me mad but on another I wanted Bella to feel safe and wanted her to adjust. So there I stood at the moment with warring forces coursing through my rigid frame.

It certainly didn't help that I could read every thought Jasper had about Bella, my Bella. He thought words like amazing, remarkable, wonderful, surprising, and astonishing. His thoughts sounded like those of a love sick school boy which only served to fuel the bonfire that seethed within me.

Why was I shocked though? Bella was all those things that Jasper had thought not to mention beautiful and breathtaking. How could Jasper help but not fall in love with her after spending so much time with her? I should have seen it coming. I wonder if Alice had. That thought pained me. I didn't want Alice to have to feel the anguish that I was right now. I didn't want her to lose her mate because of my poor choices. For one last time I let my eyes rest on the two of them still huddled in what looked like such an intimate embrace that I found myself starting to shake. Something had to be done and it had to be done now I thought.

I walked off the porch heading out the cobblestone path in search of my sister. I didn't have to go far before I was face to face with her. "Where have you been?" I asked her accusatorily.

"I went for a walk." She told me giving me quite the odd look.

"Perhaps staying closer to home would be the better idea." I offered.

"What are you talking about? Did something happen? Is Bella all right?" I heard the increased panic in her tone as she tried looking over my shoulders searching out the illusive problem.

"You might want to ask Jasper that question." I told her.

"Edward, what in the world are you going on about?" Now I could only hear the annoyance in her voice.

I stepped aside to reveal to her the quite cozy scene of Bella wrapped in Jasper's arms.

"And?" She looked at me like there wasn't a single thing wrong with what I showed her.

"And!" I parroted her. "That doesn't bother you in the least?"

"Bother me? Are you serious?" Alice looked at me like I had just grown a second head at the suggestion that the man she loved was so lovingly holding another.

"Yes I am serious."

"Edward, you have lost your mind." She told me matter of fact.

"Look at them, really look at them Alice." She peered around me again her eyes resting on Jasper and Bella.

"Yes?"

"I've read his thoughts Alice. I know what he thinks of Bella. He's falling in love with her." I hated to hurt her like that but it was obvious to me that she was blocking what was observably starring her in the face. However my pronouncement was met with a loud laugh escaping Alice's lips. "What?"

"Now I KNOW you HAVE lost your mind!" She continued giggling at me. "Yes, Jasper loves Bella but he's not IN love with her."

"I beg to differ." I contradicted.

"Excuse me if I don't take your word on that. I don't think you are a good judge of most things, well anything lately."

"I know you see them together. You have to. Look at them!" I repeatedly pointed to the pair.

"I see NO such thing!" She forced. "And I don't have to see the future to know that there will never be anything between Jasper and Bella." She informed me. "All I have to know is who Jasper and Bella are. They feel nothing more for each other than you and I feel for one another."

The little pixie now stood in front of me with her hand placed squarely on her hips looking rather outraged at me. "I know how easy Bella is to love." I said.

"We all do!" Alice announced. "But that doesn't mean that Jasper's in love with her. I will tell you that he is in awe of her abilities to control her newborn urges but that in no way equates to being in love with her. What did you want him to do Edward, leave her to her own devices? Let her deal with all of her overwhelming emotions and desires without any sort of guidance?"

"No." I murmured. I was thankful for all Jasper and Alice had done in cleaning up the mess I made of all this. But the green eyed monster still was getting the better of me from time to time.

"You can't have it both ways. You can't drop out of Bella's life and then be angry when others step in to pick up the pieces." She was right and I knew it but couldn't allow myself to admit it aloud. "Why can't you see this is how it was always meant to be? Bella was meant to be one of us! She was going to be a vampire, no matter how the change took place it was going to happen. She is supposed to be part of our family, your mate!"

Alice didn't give me time for a rebuttal. She stormed by me heading towards when Jasper and Bella were. I hung my head in defeat.