The Long Way Home: Breaking Free

Bella's POV –

I peeked into the living room and saw Alice and Jasper cuddled on the far end of the sofa. I knew I could have heard their hushed conversations if I had listened more intently but I had taken enough away from them already I wanted to leave them with a little privacy. If I allowed myself to think too long on the scene before me, I would have felt envious. The love that Jasper and Alice shared was tangible. It seeped from every pore of their being. I had had that once or at least I thought I did. There were times now when I couldn't help but wonder if I had imagined the love Edward once felt for me. It seemed like such a long time ago, a lifetime ago.

Just a few rooms away I heard a soft melody wafting through the air. Edward was at the piano. I leaned against the doorframe and listened. The tones were muted and rather somber. I suddenly longed to hear the strains of my lullaby. There had been a time when that sweet soft sound took away my fears, it comforted me. I questioned now if it would have the same effect. Not that I would have dared approached Edward or have asked him to play it for me. I couldn't endure the inevitable reaction I knew I would receive from him. So there I stood listening to the agonizing sounds that escaped from the piano. Did what he was playing reflect his mood? Could Edward possibly be as lonely as I was? Did he miss me like I missed him? Or was he just miserable about what I had become?

I looked back into the living room Alice was now sitting on Jasper's lap running her fingers through his thick flaxen hair. I needed some air so quietly I made my way from inside the confines of the house to the sprawling outdoors. I felt like I was suffocating. Sitting down on the front stairs, I took in my surroundings. I was beginning to be able to appreciate them finally, observing so many things that through my human eyes I would have missed. It was remarkable how much clarity I now had but that clearness had come with a price, maybe a few. And the one that was pressing its way to the forefront of the expansive plane that was my mind now was an incredible burning at the back of my throat. I pushed back against that hunger trying to show the demon inside of me that I was in control not it. I could do this. Jasper said I could. I had to.

I rose from my perch and circled the front yard. I knew I was slowly losing my battle as the burning had now developed into an insatiable itch that was intent on showing me who was truly in charge. I wasn't sure why I was fighting this so much. I didn't know what I was trying so desperately to prove. I needed to hunt there was no two ways around it yet the idea of going inside and disturbing any of them wasn't something I wanted to do. I had burdened Alice and Jasper so much already.

I had my doubts about being able to do this on my own. I still struggled with the idea of it all. In the moment, yes I was able to permit my instincts to take over and do what needed to be done for my ultimate survival, but there was still a larger part of me, maybe the part where some of my humanity still lied, that fought against what I was doing. I just wanted to be better at it. I just wished that I could slip into my new skin was more ease than I was. Maybe I would have been if Edward had been by my side. But that wasn't how things were and I had to stop longing for something that I knew I wasn't going to get.

I still didn't know how I was to be a part of the Cullen Family if Edward was continually going to be the way he was. Jasper had told me that I had been part of their family long before I have ever become a vampire but that was difficult for me to reconcile. It would be a nightmare for all of them to have the strain between Edward and me filtering within the walls of the family. Yet the alternative of being alone wasn't one that I could comprehend either. I always thought that I didn't mind being alone and maybe that's what I told myself so that I could deal with my life but the notion of being alone as a vampire roaming eternity with no direction scared the hell out of me.

The fire at the back of my throat had become all-consuming. I gazed towards the house torn almost. Should I just go off on and try to hunt on my own or should I go inside and get Jasper or Alice? I knew that neither of them would object to joining me. I would guess that Alice would be the first of them to jump up and offer. She'd been doing that a lot lately. She was always there hovering almost. She assured me that everything was going to be all right. I had serious doubts about that. I knew how her visions worked. They were based on what people decided and it was clear to me what Edward's decisions were as for mine well they were so haphazard I was shocked that Alice could see me at all.

I knew her intentions were well meaning and I loved her for them it was just hard sometimes to be on Alice overload. She had a way about her that was like a force to be reckoned with. When I had been human it had been easier to follow along especially when she had Jasper's gifts to aid her in getting what she wanted. But now I had my own strength and I found it difficult to just go along for the ride anymore.

I turned around and looked out at the wilds that lay in front of me. I was well aware that woods were teeming with wildlife and I had had enough hunts under my belt to be able to do this on my own. I still felt a bit apprehensive about just going off alone but that's exactly what I intended to do. I took off running before any of them caught wind of my intentions.

Jacob's POV –

I crouched down viewing the world below from my rocky perch. The sun soaked into my pores as I inhaled the fresh mountain air. It was different to finally be still, to be in human form. It had been easier for me being a wolf. My mind didn't have to think about anything. I made my way by instinct alone but now that wasn't the case. My mind was alive and active and full of thoughts and imagines that I wished I could escape.

I scanned the extensive wilderness in front of me. I wasn't sure how I had ended up here or exactly where here even was but I did know that I had been running long enough to have circled the area more than a time or two yet I still wasn't able to dodge the events that had led me here in the first place.

I closed my eyes and saw pictures of Bella, my sweet Bella, flash before the dark canvas. Her sweet full lips, the way she would chew on the bottom one when she was nervous, her beautiful doe eyes that had once looked at me so lovingly, or at least I thought they had.

My fisted balled at my sides as a wave of resentment filtered all the way through to my core. I held my inner beast at bay knowing that it was time for me to stop running. At the start I deluded myself into believing I was staying in wolf form to keep a connection to the pack, a pack that I was no longer a part of. When in reality being a wolf just allowed me to hide from the world. Being in my wolf form in the beginning proved to be valuable in gaining information but as time wore on I could no longer hear the voices of Sam and the others in my head but that didn't stop me from continuing on that way.

During the time when their thoughts were still strong I was able to learn that Bella had died. Even now in my human form I recall how that information tore at me sending ripples of varying emotions through my frame. I spent countless hours simply howling allowing my pain to escape but nothing helped the agony that filled me was paralyzing.

Even thinking about it now brought an odd stillness to my body except for the lone tear that traced a continual track down my stubble cheek. Bella was gone. I couldn't quite bring myself to think let alone say the word dead out loud. My heart constricted at the thought. I dropped back against the stony surface covering my face with my heads and began to wail for the first time. The sounds escaping my lips were a mixture of wolf and human tones. Bella was dead – she was gone and I would never see her again. My body shook as I finally allowed myself to feel all those things that I had kept pent up during my time as a wolf.

Pictures of that afternoon ticked off frame by frame. I saw Sam stepping aside allowing that leech onto our lands. I could hear Emily telling them all what I had done. Their stares of disbelief pierced my flesh. It wasn't until I saw him carrying Bella's broken and bleeding body that I understood what I had done. With my inability to control my animal instincts I had done so much more damage than I could have ever imagined. It was that fact alone that set me on my run. I could have stayed and fought for my rightful place in the pack. They wouldn't have had a choice but to listen to me if I had forced the issue yet I wasn't able to face what I had done to Bella.

"It's not really my fault though," I rationalized out loud. "None of this would have happened if he had just stayed away. I wouldn't have been so angry if Bella would have just told him to go." Again I found myself making excuses for my actions. "Bella and I were happy." I whispered to the winds. "We could have made a wonderful life together!" I felt the anger welling inside me again. Everything had just gotten so out of control.

I was sorry for the things I had done to hurt her. I had never wanted to harm her at all. I just couldn't seem to manage my resentment towards the love that Bella couldn't seem to deny for him and that inability proved to be the downfall.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do now. Staying in wolf form was an intriguing idea it wasn't one I could manage forever and I knew I couldn't keep running. Yet the thought of returning to La Push wasn't an option either. I wasn't welcome there anymore, not even by my own father. Admittedly that bothered me somewhat. And as for Charlie, I could pretty much assume what he would be willing to do to me if given the chance. So where did that leave me I thought?

Closing my eyes a heavy sigh expelled my lips. I could go anywhere and be anything but I knew I truly would never be able to escape what I had done. I was supposed to protect humans, the innocent ones and I had failed at that no matter the reason, I still failed. That weighed heavy on my mind. So there I sat staring out into the vastness of the world without a clue on what to do or where to go.

Suddenly a flash in the distance caught my attention. Something made me sit up a little straighter and focused my concentration on what I couldn't see just yet. My instincts were on high alert. There is was again a brilliant sparkle of white light. I descended my rocky resting place heading towards the open fields below. I was a man on a mission all of the sudden so captivated by what was in front of me.

The object slowed finally giving me a chance to close the gap between it and me. I was stunned at what I saw – Bella. I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times thinking that it was just the sun playing tricks on me. She was gone. I was just seeing what I wished were true. That Bella was still alive.

I stood frozen just staring out into the distance. The specter certainly looked like Bella yet somehow different too. I couldn't stop myself as I pressed forward to where I hoped to find what I was looking for. Could the pack have lied, thoughts things that they knew I would hear? Maybe Bella hadn't died after all. That thought alone propelled me forward at break neck speed. The closer I got the more I realized that it was Bella. I ran up to her wanting to embrace her and tell her how sorry I was for everything. It wasn't until I nearly collided with her and the form that I touched was a hard as marble and ice cold and blood red eyes that stared back at me with a startled expression.