The Long Way Home: Monsters

Bella's POV –

The reflection of Edward's revolted expression bounced around in my mind until I was dizzy. Without thinking I just started running. The brush and twigs tore at my hardened flesh and swayed, cracked and broke under the weight of my body as I ran and ran without once looking back.

I wasn't sure how long I ran since I now I never tired the way I would have being human. When I finally stopped and surveyed my surroundings, I hadn't a clue where I was. The forest around me was thick and dense. It was a part of the wilderness that I had never explored with Alice or Jasper. Turning circles I tried to gauge anything familiar but nothing came to mind except what I had just done. I had killed Jacob – tasted his blood. It was sweet and warm and I hated that I liked it. I let out a tortured wail before dropping to the ground wishing I could just disappear.

Alice's POV –

I sat on the edge of the porch staring in the direction Edward disappeared. It was shocking to finally see some sort of reaction from him regarding Bella after all this time. I was thrilled actually to know that he still could have such a response and that there was hope for him and her yet. But something seemed off still and I couldn't put my finger on it and that frustrated me.

All of the sudden my head shot up as the sight of Bella tearing away from Edward came into my mind's eye. I could see fear, terror and disgust flashing across her face. And was that blood dripping from her lips? Abruptly I saw Bella fall to the forest floor pulling her knees to her chest wrapping her arms tightly around them rocking back and forth.

"What's going on?" I said softly to myself as I began to stand up. In the distance I saw Edward heading back towards our new home. I took a few steps in his direction than stopped short. For a minute I was tempted to go to him and tell him what I saw but I hesitated wondering if he was the right person to take this information to. I could see the drawn look on his face and something innately told me to turn around and find Jasper.

"Jasper." I called entering the house.

"What, what is it?" He seemingly appeared out of nowhere. I could read his expression and he was as worried about Bella running off as I was and now I had even more reason to be concerned.

"It's Bella."

"What, what did you see?" He reached for my hand. It was a comfort to have his skin touching mine.

"She was running."

"Running?"

"Yes and she looked horrified and disgusted."

"What?" My mate's face showed utter confusion. "Where is she?"

"In the middle of the forest, it's like she's trying to hide." I told him.

"Have you told Edward?" Jasper questioned me.

"No. I was going to but,"

"But what?" he interrupted me.

"Something tells me that right now you are who she needs." I stroked Jasper's face tenderly.

"Can you help me find her?" He asked me.

"I think I better stay here. I have a feeling that if Edward comes in and finds us both gone it won't be good."

"Don't worry. I'll find her and bring her back." Jasper assured me and I believed him.

Jasper's POV –

I hesitated for a moment uneasy about not telling Edward what was going on with Bella. I was well aware of what he thought of my relationship with Bella and I certainly didn't want to add more fuel to that fire. However I trusted Alice's instincts and if she thought I should be the one to go to Bella than that's what I would do. In the whole scheme of things Bella and her needs were what took precedence.

I took off easily following the trail left by her scent; even as a vampire she still had a distinct aroma. I could tell that her original intent had been to hunt since I found myself staying on paths that we had frequented during our pursuit of prey. But then something changed the scent was suddenly mixed with an odor I hadn't smelled in quite some time. It was the scent of wolf and even though it was vague at best it still assaulted my senses and set my defenses on edge as I scanned the surroundings.

Doing what I could to not get caught up in what ifs, I pressed forward in my search for Bella with a sense of urgency yet I stood unmoving for a moment trying to gauge the surroundings and which direction she could have been headed in. It was then that I caught her scent again and made my way through the compact foliage in hopes of finding Bella quickly. If there was even a remote chance what I had smelled back there was true the sooner I found her the better.

I continued making my way through a cluster of pine trees and when I pushed aside a heavy branch there Bella sat like a small frightened child attempting to hide in plain sight.

Bella's POV –

I didn't have to look to know that it was Jasper who had found me. A wave of calm washed over me and for a second I felt as though I could breathe again. But that's only how long that feeling lasted a mere second before the reality of what I had done came crashing in on my again. By the pained expression on Jasper's face I was certain he was feeling every ounce of my anguish.

"I'm sorry." I told him softly. Once more I was hurting the one person who had done his best to comfort me. I hated myself which in turn only wounded Jasper all the more. I couldn't win for losing.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He assured me. "I'm just glad I was able to find you. What are you doing way out here?"

He sat down next to me and abruptly I looked away fearing he would see the remnant of Jacob's dried blood on my lips. "There's nowhere else for me to go now." I whispered.

"I don't think I understand." I heard the confusion in his voice.

How could he have not known what I had done? The look on Edward's face said it all and I was sure that he had gone back to report to both Alice and Jasper what a lost cause I was and how he was even more certain now that he had made a mistake in changing me.

"Let me take you back to the house. Nothing can be that bad." If only I could have believed his words.

"Please stop being so kind to me. I don't deserve it." I told him my face still turned away from his.

"Bella, look at me." He implored me yet I remained in the same position. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he spoke again. "Please, please look at me."

I wasn't able to fight against his gifts and even though it was the last thing I wanted to do I turned to face him. Instantly my hands went to my face but he stopped them. "You have nothing to be ashamed of."

I stared at him with disbelief in my eyes. I had so very much to be ashamed of. I had killed Jacob no matter the circumstances I had taken his life. "Yes I do." I countered. "You have no idea what I've done!" I gasped dropping my face into my hands.

"What is that you've done that you think is so horrible that you deserve to be out here all alone?" He asked me in all seriousness.

"I killed." I stopped short as if my brain couldn't form the words for the rest of that sentence.

"What did you kill Bella, a bear, a deer? It's good that you can hunt on your own. It shows that your instincts are strong and you can handle yourself. That's what we have been working towards all this time. That's a good thing."

I wanted to laugh but there was no humor in any of this. Jasper thought I had killed an animal and maybe I had but that animal had a human face and at one time that face had been the face of a friend.

"It wasn't a bear or deer." I said. "I killed Jacob."

Jasper's silence spoke volumes to me. I watched him stare at me. I knew he didn't know what to say to my declaration. I hadn't expected him to.

"Jacob Black? You killed Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Are you alright?" He asked me. I watched him scan my stone like body for some sort of injury.

"No." I answered.

"Where did he hurt you?" Jasper stood pulling me to my feet as well as if he was trying to get a better look at me.

"Didn't you hear me? I killed him!"

"I heard you Bella, but I need to be sure that you haven't been harmed in some way."

"Stop, please!" I pleaded with him. I didn't deserve his concern. I was a monster. I had taken the life of another being and nothing would change that. "I killed him. I couldn't stop myself Jasper. It was like I was outside of myself watching it all happen and before I could do anything it was too late."

"Sometimes our strength gets the better of us." I wondered if Jasper was thinking about the night of my eighteenth birthday when he too didn't know his own strength.

"I stood there watching him and Edward fight…."

"Edward? Edward was with you?" Jasper interrupted me.

"Yea, he came out of nowhere though. He lunged at Jacob and when I saw him starting to faze well all I could think about were all the threats of killing Edward he had made in the past and like I said I just snapped."

"That's understandable Bella. Jacob didn't just abuse you physically he did it mentally too. No one can blame you for what you did."

"Jasper, I didn't just kill him. I fed on him too. I drank human blood and god help me I liked it." My voice sounded tortured even to my ears.

"I understand." Was all he said to me as he took my hand. "Human blood is potent and alluring and given the circumstances I can see why you did what you did."

"NO STOP!" I yelled at him. "STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS OKAY! IT'S NOT OKAY! I'm a monster!"

"You are no such thing!" He retorted at my definition of myself. "Do you think I am a monster?"

"No."

"Well by your definition I should be. I have fed on countless humans and I enjoyed every minute of it. So by your standards I'm a monster just like you think you are."

I had difficulty looking at the gentle man before me and seeing him as fiend. But that didn't stop me from seeing myself as such. And I knew that's how Edward now saw me. "I've failed you all." I said to him.

"How? How have you failed us Bella?" Jasper asked me earnestly. "We are vampires. Vampires drink human blood and typically they enjoy it! You're feelings aren't unusual."

I wished it was that simple. If only I could buy into Jasper's take on things. "I wanted to better. I wanted to prove to Edward that his changing me wasn't a mistake." I gasped.

"I wasn't a mistake Bella."

"It was if I can't be like Edward. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to show him that I could do this and I didn't. I did the exact opposite I showed him first hand that I am weak."

"You are anything but weak. When you were human you were stronger than any I had ever known and now as a vampire you are even stronger. Don't let this one thing take away all that you have accomplished so far."

"All I have accomplished? Are you kidding me?" I asked him incredulously.

"Not at all. Bella you were protecting Edward. And if you factor in the hell that Jacob put you through it stands to reason that your aggression for him would come out full force."

"So it's okay to kill someone as long as it's in the defense of Edward or someone in the family?" I wasn't sure I was able to wrap my head around that. I knew that wasn't something Carlisle would sanction.

"You are missing my point Bella. You didn't just happen to wonder on an innocent hiker and decided to make a meal of him. This situation was completely different as were the circumstances. You can't beat yourself up for any of it not even tasting his blood."

"I don't know." I said running my long slender fingers through my tussled hair.

"Know this, we all have weakness every member of the Cullen Family has had their own battle with the life we lead. I know you think that we haven't but don't delude yourself. I realize that the control that Carlisle has is rare and something to aspire to but don't make it an all or nothing thing. One slip doesn't make you unworthy."

I felt my head spin as I listened to Jasper tell me about the things he had known about Edward's own battle with human blood lust. I was amazed to think that Edward had taken more than a few human lives, even if they were murders and rapists, the dregs of society he had done it just the same. So why in the field had he looked at me with such revulsion? I wondered if I would ever get the chance to ask him or if he would forever avoid me.

"We should get back." Jasper told me. "I'm sure Alice has seen that you're all right but it's better to give an in person appearance."

I looked at his outstretched hand waiting for mine to meet it. I didn't know what to do. A part of me wanted to run in the opposite direction and live a life of a recluse but a larger part of me couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind. So I took Jasper's hand and followed him out of the dark forest.