New Moon was written by Stephenie Meyer. Only part of this story relates to that book. This is New Moon from Edwards POV. If you haven't read all of the books in the Twilight series (including Midnight Sun), don't read this story because it might not make sense. This story also might contain spoilers for the other books. All characters & some dialog are property of the lovely Stephenie Meyer and I am making no profit from writing this.

Chapter 3: Decisions

Finding Jasper was not difficult. His scent led me to where he was; at the edge of the water next to a spring. Soft dappled green light was coming through the trees as the moon peered through the clouds. The moonlight was gleaming off the water and reflecting on Jasper's face. The guilt and shame he was feeling wasn't concealed. Behind him was a rock taller than him that had a large hole in it. I noticed that it was perfectly shaped like he had punched right through it. Jasper was trying to rage war in his mind on his guilt and rebellion.

I can't believe I did that! How could I do this to my family after everything they have done for me? What will Alice think…and Edward? I'm so weak! Jasper paced back and forth, But the scent…the smell…it was beyond delicious. Maybe I could go back just to have a small taste.

A dangerous growl formed in my stomach and soared out of my mouth; my throat was vibrating in anger. Jasper froze in thought and quickly turned to face me.

"I didn't…" he began.

I didn't hesitate as we collided. I shoved him into the already broken bolder. It was instantly crushed into thousands of small pieces as a thunderous crash reverberated off the water and trees. My hand was wrapped around his neck. He didn't struggle against my grasp.

I'm sorry, Edward. Please. You know I like Bella, I didn't want to hurt her. You don't realize how hard it is for me when I have to feel everyone's thirst along with mine. It is overwhelming. Jasper's thoughts became frantic.

I removed my hand from his neck and took several horrified steps backward as Emmett and Rosalie swiftly flew out of the forest.

"What was that noise?" Emmett asked.

Emmett saw Jasper up against the crushed bolder and in a split second he had his hand on my shoulder ready to stop me from doing something I would regret.

You don't want to do that, Emmett thought.

I staggered back several more steps as the day's events began flashing through my mind.

I knew something like this was going to happen eventually. She is a human, what else did you expect, Edward? Rosalie sneered.

I turned to face Rosalie. "You conceited little…" I began.

"Edward, enough! Don't tear our family apart." Esme's voice came through two large trees.

I fell to the ground as shock finally took over my body. Bella was only inches away from death. Inches, I repeated in my head. I put her in harm's way. If I would have just listened to her earlier and let her skip the party then this wouldn't have happened. The worst thought of all flitted into the forefront of my mind. This could have happened on any day. I am constantly putting her in danger. This is my fault! The thoughts came in a great magnitude and I could feel my stomach twisting in horror. Will next time be her last? And I knew deep down that there would be a next time. She was prone to danger, it followed her around.

"Edward, I know this must be hard for you but she is okay, everything is okay." Esme tried to calm my frenzied nerves.

I brought my fingers to my temple pushing inward hoping to expel all thoughts. "It's not okay! If this happens again…" I drifted off while I continued to try to repress all my thoughts.

But the images didn't stop; they were constant in my mind. I brought her to danger time and time again. If I stayed with her I would eventually kill her. Who was I kidding? I had to leave her. It was her only chance at surviving and living a long and happy life.

Edward, please don't. I love her so much, you can't make us leave. Not yet. I've seen it! I saw how happy we could all be together. Please don't do this. Alice's thoughts were pure agony and pain like she was almost crying with exasperation.

She finally appeared in the small clearing we were standing in. She went straight to Jasper. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he answered while looking in my direction. "I don't know about him, though."

Through Alice's eyes I could see the pure anguish on my face. I looked up at her. "We have to go. We can't put her in danger any more. I love her too much."

If tears could have filled my eyes they would have. I was being tormented by my thoughts and worse, by Alice's.

You can't do this. I'm begging you! Alice pleaded over and over in her mind. She had seen my course of action as soon as I had thought about it.

"Edward, what do you mean? You want us to leave? I can't imagine you leaving Bella behind. Are you sure this is the best idea?" Esme whispered.

Pain, torture, anguish, agony, grief…All stacked up in big piles, queuing inline to rip me to pieces. Each emotion was tearing through my un-beating heart. The weight in my stomach was ripping through me. I put my face to the ground begging for the pain to dissipate. Esme and Alice's arms were around me, helping me to my feet.

"We have time to think about this, Edward. It doesn't have to be right this second." Esme said softly.

The suffering I'm feeling is torture. I have to get out of here. Jasper's face was screwed up in anguish.

Alice saw his next line of action and was at Jasper's side in a second. "Go," she said to him. "I'll catch up in a few minutes."

"Go to Denali, we are all moving and we'll meet you there," I commanded.

"We'll be back," she retorted in an angry tone.

Jasper was gone that instant. Emmett and Rosalie were completely silent; even their minds were quiet during the situation they had witnessed. Once Jasper was gone Rosalie spoke up. "I can't believe you! You are going to make us move because of that human girl?"

"I've moved numerous times for you, Rosalie." I shouted

"Hey now, we can discuss this later when tempers aren't flying," Emmett stepped in between us.

"I need to check on Bella," I said to Esme.

Go, she thought.

I accelerated through the forest. Each thought tore at me and I could feel the pieces slowly being ripped off of me and dropping to the dark forest floor. When I reached the opening behind my house I was hollow, every part of my body had been ripped to shreds. I stopped to rearrange my face. I couldn't let Bella see me like this. I could hear Carlisle talking with her.

"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have." Carlisle said.

He didn't realize how wrong he was. I'm not pure or good. I have taken this innocent creature and put her in constant danger. What kind of a person am I? You're not a person, you're a monster!

I heard Carlisle continue his story, "After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty – of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary."

I remembered the fire burning through my veins during the three days of my transformation. That pain was nothing compared to what I was feeling now or what I would be feeling later once I left her.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." Carlisle paused.

I was in the shadow of the door frame in the dining room. Bella's shirt was damp with blood. I quickly held my breath. The fear of what the scent might do to me twisted my stomach into knots.

Carlisle smiled at Bella, "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," I said while walking into the light of the room.

Bella studied my expression for a moment and saw something there that I was hoping she wouldn't see. "Carlisle can take me," she offered.

Her face was twisted in pain and rigid with defiance.

"I'm fine." I protested. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

I walked out of the kitchen to retrieve Alice. I moved speedily to the edge of the water behind our house where I found her. She was throwing rocks into the water violently.

You can't do this to us. Don't you understand that this is going to hurt more than just you? We have all grown fond of her. Esme thinks of her as her daughter. Alice turned to face me, Why would you do this to her? Alice's face was twisted in sadness.

If a vampire could produce tears I knew that they would be leaving tracks down her face, also.

"Alice, I…I have to. Don't you see," I pleaded, "If I don't let her go now and something happens to her, I couldn't take the guilt."

Pathetic, she thought. Alice strode past me with such indignation in her that it almost broke my resolve. I know why you came out here. I'll get Bella another shirt. I followed her into the house.

"I'm fine," Bella was assuring Esme. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had."

Carlisle and Esme both began chuckling.

I hope he decides to keep her. I love Bella so much, Esme was thinking when we walked through the back doors.

I felt like I was choking. I froze at the door but Alice didn't hesitate and went quickly to her side. "C'mon," she pointed to the stairs, "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."

They ascended the stairs. Alice's hand was resting on Bella's lower back like she was making sure she wouldn't trip. I stood in the door frame, still and unoccupied. The footsteps of Bella sounded so hollow and blank, almost like she was already gone from my world.

What is it son? Carlisle asked.

"We're moving." I replied simply.

Now? What about Bella?

"We are going to leave her behind. I am going to give her the human life she deserves."

Are you sure that you want to do this? Carlisle asked in disbelief.

"I have to. I can't risk her life anymore. I love her too much. This won't be a problem will it?" I asked in a low voice.

No, no…of course we can do whatever it is you need us too. I…I just don't understand. Carlisle's thoughts began pondering and planning.

There was no more to be said between us on this subject matter. The weight of several minutes passed and I gazed up at the ceiling, inclining my head as if to better hear their conversation. Alice was headed toward the door to leave. I could see everything so clearly in her mind right now.

"Alice," Bella whispered.

Alice turned to face her, "Yes?"

Tiny tears were in Bella's eyes but they never left the protection of her eye lids. "How bad is it?" she wondered.

It's bad; it's really, really bad. Edward do you see what this is already doing to her and you haven't even broke the news, Alice thought heatedly."I'm not sure yet," she responded to Bella.

"How's Jasper?" Bella asked Alice with her misty protuberant eyes.

Gone. He's gone! We're all going to be…gone… Alice thought defeated. Alice has seen what will be and she knows she can't stop it.

Alice sighed, "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak."

Bella's voice was screwed up in guilt, "It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"

Not like it will matter. Jasper will think what he wants to think…she thought.

"Of course," Alice replied.

I knew that Bella would always be selfless even when her own life was in danger. I waited for her at the front door. I could hear them descending the stairs slowly. Bella had a sallow look on her face as she walked toward me.

She's not leaving this house without her birthday gifts! Alice commanded while shooting glowering looks in my direction.

I shook my head infinitesimally at her thought.

No Edward, these gifts belong to her and you won't take them away. Alice growled with cold anger in every syllable.

"Take your things!" Alice burst out behind Bella.

She grabbed her unopened gifts, her camera and the half opened gift off the table and shoved them in Bella's good arm.

"You can thank me later, when you've opened them," Alice said in faux cheerfulness.

She will open her gifts, Edward, even if I have to come there and make her do it myself. Alice snapped at me.

I ignored her thoughts because other thoughts were now protruding through my mind.

Please don't take her from us. Not now, not after we have all fallen for her. We all love her so much. Esme pleaded weakly.

Son, I'm afraid this is not the right way to go about this. Maybe we could talk about it… Carlisle began thinking.

"Goodnight," I replied to them softly, turning so I wouldn't have to see their accusing stares.

They both said goodnight to me and we walked out of the house. Light flooded out of the door as two shadows became prominent: Carlisle and Esme. They watched as I walked slowly next to Bella, keeping pace with her. I opened the passenger's side door for her and she didn't argue with me this time. She climbed in slowly.

I saw the big red ribbon on the dashboard; a reminder of a happier time with Bella. The happier time that was only an hour ago. When I reached the driver's side and opened the door the bow had been torn off and thrown under her seat. Does she want it to be over?

Before I turned the key in the ignition the familiar sweet perfume emanating from her met my nostrils and I let her scent into my lungs. I reveled in it for a quick second before I turned the key. The engine clamored to life but the sound wasn't loud enough to drown out the silence between Bella and me in this moment of unease. She could tell there was something wrong with me. She was right. I am all wrong for her.

I accelerated quickly down my driveway in her truck, ignoring the internal speed limit that accompanied her truck. I knew my face expressed something that Bella had never seen before. I could see my reflection in the glass and there was nothing there but a ferocious inhuman glare prominent on my face.

I watched her through the reflection too and her expressions continually changed so I could never tell what exactly her thoughts were. It doesn't matter! You shouldn't care what her thoughts are! I yelled internally. I still tried to probe her mind and hit a solid wall.

A crease was forming between Bella's eye brows. "Say something," she begged when I was turning onto the freeway.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked vaguely.

Her little fingers tightened into fists. "Tell me you forgive me."

She wants me to forgive her? Insane! This isn't her fault. It's mine…all mine. Several lists of the worst kinds of emotions were ready to drown me and they continued to queue up; waiting for me to break down so they could have their way with me.

"Forgive you? For what?" I asked crisply.

Her face became pleading, "If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty." I roared in exasperation.

"It's still my fault," she looked down at her clenched hands and slightly unclenched them.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

She looked at me haughtily, "How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?"

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled at her.

She glared at me. "I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

I wouldn't let her die, that was the problem…the reason I had to leave her.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she said in triumph.

I imagined her being with Mike Newton and all I could think about is how much I wanted to kill him. How I wanted to grab him up by the throat and snap his neck. I couldn't though, not now. I'm letting her go. I have to let her go! I injured her in an attempt to protect her. The heavy reluctance I was feeling barred down on me. The gut wrenching terror of leaving her very nearly swallowed me whole.

There was a necessity to leave her to her future…a future I could never have. She would go on with her life – she would have a life to go on with.

The truck was groaning as I pressed the gas down as far as it would go. Flat orange glares of the street lights loomed into view. My hands were tightly clenched around her steering wheel in an attempt to not reach over and hold her hand and bring her to my arms one last time. This couldn't be the end.

I inhaled her amazing scent and I let it burn me; knowing this would be the last time I would be graced with such an aroma. It was intoxicating. I exhaled and then brought another deep gulp of air into my lungs. She smelled so…delicious. This is exactly why you should leave her! She's your meal!

My stomach twisted in pain while the rest of my insides plummeted sickeningly. For the first time I can remember I felt sick, like I needed to pull over and vomit. It was nothing I had ever encountered before. I felt like I was being submerged in misery. Each horrible emotion was lining up one at a time to obliterate me. I was suffocating in despair and sorrow while terror was rising inside me as each agonizing second passed until there would be no more seconds with her. I felt horribly powerless.

I pulled into Bella's driveway then. I didn't move from my position. The pain had overcome me and I was unable to move.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked timidly.

"I should go home," I answered unemotionally.

"For my birthday," she pressed.

Of all the things she could ask for her birthday she continued to ask for things I wouldn't give her. Why this? Why did she want the one thing I wanted more than anything on this earth ever? She's right next to you – you don't have to leave her right now. One more day – you will see her one more time, I thought, trying to persuade myself.

"You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other," I stressed. I was hoping she would give up on this conquest so I wouldn't be the weak one.

I heard her exhale lightly and the smell circled the truck. I took the sweet aroma into my lungs.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs," she ordered.

I can't say no to her on her birthday, I decided. I could just extend the deadline. I knew I was just making up excuses to stay.

She hopped out of the truck turning to grab her gifts. I didn't want her to take them because I knew they would remind her of me when I was gone and I didn't want to cause her any more pain than I already had to.

"You don't have to take those."

"I want them," she responded.

Of course she was stubborn and would do the opposite of what I suggested. Maybe there is another way to convince her to not take them. For a fleeting second I thought we could get through this evening and back to normal. The pain hit worse after that thought.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you," I was thoroughly discomposed.

"I'll live," she snapped while she fumbled around with her presents tucking them under her good arm.

If I was going to stay with her this last night then I would at least be the gentleman she was accustomed to. I was out of the truck and by her side within a second.

"Let me carry them, at least," I said while grasping her gifts. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled at me and my resolve nearly melted. "Thanks," she replied.

I couldn't resist her any longer. I sighed, "Happy birthday." I brought my lips to hers in that one moment of happiness.

Electricity shot through my veins. I realized in this second of passion that I am empty of everything but her. She was my whole world. She propped herself up on her toes to make the kiss last longer but I pulled away. This must be the end and I couldn't let this kiss convince me to stay. I smiled down at her glorious face realizing that she was the light, an angel, and I was the dark, a monster.

I would carve her in my memory forever.

Author's Note: This chapter is one of the hardest I have had to write so far (including Midnight Sun). The pain Edward is feeling is excruciating. Looks like I am only hitting the tip of the ice berg because we haven't even gotten to the point where he actually leaves her.

Thanks to krstn7727 and Mrs. Edward B. Cullen for being wonderful Beta Readers for this chapter.