Chapter 4: Hollow
I was waiting for Bella in her room while staring unseeingly out her window at the night's sky as the moon slid behind the clouds and the grounds below became suddenly dark. The pang of guilt that was constantly emitting from my body had twisted my stomach into so many knots I was afraid I would never be able to fix it. I continued to stare out the window as I resisted the temptation to leave her room and never come back because surely this evening with her will cause me more pain when I finally leave.
I heard Bella's attempts to go to bed being thwarted by Charlie. I had not been paying attention to most of their conversation because my mind was elsewhere. I knew this evening I was just pulling myself into a false sense of security. I was still severely shaken from the evenings events.
"What happened to your arm?" Charlie asked Bella tentatively.
I threw her into a bunch of glass plates trying to protect her from my brother sucking the life from her body, I answered internally. Searing pain rippled through my body once more. It was a desperate attempt – a foolish one.
"I tripped. It's nothing," Bella replied.
"It's nothing," I repeated sourly under my breath. I remembered the scene vividly in my head as she flew across the glass plates cutting her arm. The blood was shimmering because the crystal pieces were reflecting onto her. I could feel my stomach twist a little tighter.
"Goodnight, Dad." Bella said.
I heard her light footsteps in the bathroom as she brushed her teeth and washed up. I turned away from the window realizing I wasn't going to leave tonight. I saw her presents on her bed. I went over and sat on her bed while turning one of her unopened gifts over and over in my palm. It was too bad that these gifts would mean nothing when I left. The one I held in my palm was tickets for us to go see her mother in Florida. I couldn't imagine her having these tickets and not being able to take me. I knew that they would just be another reminder of the monster in her past. I would have to come back to steal them away.
The door of Bella's room cracked open slowly as light from the hallway flooded her room. She walked in, turned to close the door lightly and then faced me.
"Hi," I said softly.
I knew the pain had broken through my pretense already by the worried look on her face. She walked slowly over to the bed, shoving the presents away, and climbed into my lap. My arms suddenly warmed as she brought her head to my chest. I inhaled her wonderful fragrance, reveling in the beauty of it. I shouldn't take anything for granted tonight because this would be my last.
"Hi," she whispered. "Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered.
"You made me curious," she said quietly.
She reached out and grabbed the gift that was at the top of the pile. It was the plane tickets. For a fleeting second I was going to take it from her and throw it out the window but I thought better of it.
"Allow me," I suggested.
I wouldn't allow her to cut herself on something as delicate as paper again. There had been enough bloodshed tonight. I grabbed the shiny silver box out of her hands and pulled the wrapping paper off. There was only a white box left. I handed it to her to finish opening it.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she asked bitterly.
She pulled the lid off slowly and peered into the box. She looked confused as her eyes darted from one side of the ticket to the next, reading. Comprehension dawned on her face.
"We're going to Jacksonville?" she exclaimed.
"That's the idea."
She didn't try to hide the excitement that was evident on her face. "I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."
"I think I can handle it," I replied amicably. I was astounded by her response to the expensive gift. It was too bad there would be no trip to Florida. I frowned at the thought. "If I had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!" she trilled excitedly.
Even with the wretched pain I was feeling I chuckled despite myself at her eagerness. I should have gotten her the Audi coupe after all… "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."
I saw her eyes shift to my unopened gift, curiosity alight in her eyes. I was immediately worried that my gift would be inadequate. She picked up the present and I took it from her to unwrap it, too. I handed her back the CD jewel case that held a single CD in it. I had recorded my compositions for her to listen to when I wasn't able to play for her. She turned it over in her hand a few times.
"What is it?" she looked perplexed.
She would know immediately what it was once I played it for her. I took the CD from her and put it in her CD player next to her bed. I hit the play button. A few silent seconds elapsed before the music began playing. I had put her lullaby on the first track.
Bella listened to the music carefully. Her eyes grew wide when she recognized the song. I was unsure what her reaction was and I tried once again to penetrate her mind, to no avail. Moisture began building up in her eyes. She brought the back of her hand to her eyes and wiped the tears away before they spilled over. She must be in pain, I thought.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked anxiously.
She sniffed and looked at me like I was insane. "No, it's not my arm," she explained. "It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it."
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained.
"You're right."
She listened tentatively for several more seconds. I watched her reaction and knew that I would have to make sure I removed this CD from her player before I left, too. I would make sure she could move on, and removing me from her memory was going to be the best way. Pain erupted through me at the thought of leaving her. I had to remember why I was doing this.
"How does your arm feel?" I asked, reminding myself what I had done to her.
"Just fine," she lied.
"I'll get you some Tylenol."
"I don't need anything," she protested.
I pulled her off my lap and fluidly moved to her door to go to the bathroom. I felt a chill go through my body at the absence of Bella's warmth. When I finally leave…how would I feel then?
"Charlie," she whispered franticly.
"He won't catch me," I promised.
Charlie was too engrossed in the baseball game that was playing downstairs to notice a silent vampire lurking in the bathroom. I filled a glass with water and grabbed the Tylenol bottle out of the cabinet. I rushed back to her room, shutting the door silently behind me. She took the pills and water without complaining.
"It's late," I noted.
She needed sleep after everything she had been through today. Once she placed the glass of water down I quickly pulled her up into my arms, letting her warmth fill me. I moved the covers on her bed and laid her down gently while pulling them over her. I laid beside her and pulled her close to my chest, leaving the cover in between us so she wouldn't get cold. She brought her face to my shoulder and sighed. I inhaled her wonderful scent. My throat burned sweetly at the fragrance.
"Thanks again," she breathed.
Her breath washed over me as it tickled my throat. "You're welcome," I replied simply, realizing that the words were empty because I would be stealing her gift back.
I felt like my world was being turned upside down. I was going to have to leave this wonderful creature and never return. I could no longer bring death and destruction to her door. You are all wrong for her, I reminded myself. I pictured her body flying across the air and landing with a crashing thud on the ground as Jasper tried to attack. How could I have ever let it come to this? I felt my stomach sink horribly.
The weight of several minutes passed as Bella continued to lie against my chest breathing evenly. I thought she had gone to sleep until she inclined her head toward my face. "What are you thinking about?" she whispered.
Her breath flitted around my nostrils as I took in several generous gulps of her perfume. I looked sideways at her. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked, trying to distract me.
I stared at her incredulously. "Yes," I replied suspiciously.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
I suppressed a sigh. "You're greedy tonight," I stated.
A small smile spread across her face. "Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to," she replied airily.
She always had everything so backwards. Moments when our lips met were pure bliss. A chuckle at the silly thought escaped my lips. I sighed heavily. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I replied sarcastically.
I placed my hand under her chin while bringing her face to mine. Our lips met and electricity rapidly flew through my veins. Many thoughts ran through my mind at what I must do. I suddenly realized that this would be the last time that I will be able to kiss her like this, if at all. I took air into my lungs and let her delicious aroma burn my aching throat.
I heard her heart drumming madly as she reached greedily toward my face, bringing me into her embrace fiercely. I threw myself into the kiss more enthusiastically than normal. I was sure this would be the last time we would be together so intimately. The monster, desire, roared in appreciation at our kiss.
I threw caution to the wind and I was suddenly urgent. I brought my free arm around her and twisted my hand in her hair, bringing her face closer to mine. Her lips were moving fluidly with mine as she began panting. Her lips parted and I inhaled her breath. I was taking in large gasps of air as excitement ripped through my body. She grabbed at my hair, pulling me ever closer to her body. Normally I would have stopped her but I wanted it just as badly as she did. I was eager to bring her as close to me as possible. Our bodies were crushed together while she sighed in ecstasy. My desire was burning stronger than ever.
I realized I had gone too far and froze under her touch. She didn't let go but continued to clutch at my body. I didn't want to resist but I had too. I pushed her away as gently as I could against all my desires. She fell back onto her pillow, wild gasps escaping her lips as her chest moved up and down quickly with each breath.
"Sorry," I said breathlessly. "That was out of line." And it was – I had put her life in danger from myself…again.
Her cheeks were flushed. "I don't mind," she breathed.
But I minded. I frowned down at her. "Try to sleep, Bella."
"No, I want you to kiss me again," she demanded, her eyes alight with passion.
"You're overestimating my self-control," I said gruffly.
She pursed her lips. "Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"
I contemplated for a fraction of a second. "It's a tie," I smiled in spite of myself. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
You have put her in enough danger for one day, I replied scathingly to myself.
"Fine," she agreed, pulling herself closer to me like she was tempting me to kiss her again.
I resisted the urge, realizing that if I were to fail her now I wouldn't be able to live with myself. She curled even closer to me, putting her injured arm on my shoulder. I knew it was because my cool skin would help soothe the pain. Her heart slowed and her breathing became even.
"Are you asleep?" I asked quietly.
She didn't mutter a sound. This was it…the last night. I was pleading internally with myself to just extend the deadline for another day. Now that she was asleep the pain returned to me in full measure. Memories of the day flooded into my mind. The moment I broke her continued to replay over and over. The thoughts alone made my every bone feel like they were on fire. I was burning from the inside out. Pain continued to swell inside me at the prospect of losing her. It was pain beyond anything I had ever felt before and my body was still in one piece, though, it felt like I was slowly being ripped in two.
I closed my eyes tightly wishing that sleep could engulf me and relieve me of the misery I was dissolving in. I pulled her tight into my embrace and didn't let her go until the early morning hours when Charlie awoke and came to check on her.
When Bella finally woke up she sat up slowly. She was heavy eyed and had tousled hair. I kissed her forehead quickly and ducked out of her window silently.
I swept through the forest at lethal speeds. My body was ripped in half as my heart was left with her. I reached my house in a matter of minutes. Alice wasn't outside greeting me happily at the bottom of the stairs today. I felt horrible at what I had to put my family through. I walked inside and Esme greeted me with a hug as I walked into the living room.
I've been so worried about you, Edward. Is everything okay? Esme pulled herself from our grasp and her eyes darted to my face. Her lips turned down in anguish. Oh…no. So, it's true? We're leaving?
"Yes," I replied sadly.
She embraced me again. Carlisle walked into the room with a grave look on his face.
I will do what you feel is best about Bella, but, I want you to know that I do not agree with it. You are going to hurt yourself beyond any pain imaginable. Carlisle warned grimly.
I nodded in reproach. I could see through their thoughts the pain that was severely prominent on my face. I turned away from their worried thoughts and walked slowly up the stairs.
Jasper and Alice are in Alaska. Rosalie and Emmett went with them until we heard news of what is going on. Should I tell them? Carlisle asked.
"Yes," I whispered, but he heard me.
I cleaned up for school and went back downstairs. Carlisle was waiting for me.
Listen, I've talked to the hospital. Everything is arranged. I asked them to not tell anyone about our departure until we have left. It will probably take Jasper another day before he has all the paperwork necessary for our next location. Are you going to stay until then? Carlisle asked in a business like tone.
I just barely nodded before walking out of the house. I could hear Esme and Carlisle talking about me as I left. It was easy to ignore them with all the darkness that was filling my mind since I left Bella this morning. Each step I took I could feel more of my body being ripped apart. The only important part was that she had my heart. I didn't care if I was in shreds, as long as she was whole…human. I got into the Volvo to meet Bella at school.
When I pulled into the parking lot I didn't see Bella's truck. I had arrived before her as usual and got out to lean against my car, waiting for her. I heard her truck a mile down the road grunting with every bump it hit. She pulled into the parking lot and parked her car, scrambling to get her stuff together. I opened her door.
"How do you feel?" I asked her dully.
"Perfect," she lied.
I shut her door loudly as she walked away. When we began walking to class she made no effort to communicate with me. I had a knot the size of a golf ball in my throat and was unable to speak to her, either. I felt a chill in my stomach at the absence of Bella's hand in mine. I reached out slowly to grab her hand but thought better of it. If I were to embrace her again…would I be able to leave her?
School was dreadfully long. Each second I was around her bit at my resolve. How many times would I put her in danger before she is killed? I asked myself. I wouldn't put her in danger ever again. Though I could feel the constant ripping of my body, I continued to sit with her during each class and walk with her in between them.
During lunch she finally broke the silence. I had a granola bar in my hand and I was slowly pulverizing it.
"Where's Alice?" she asked anxiously.
I looked up from my action. "She's with Jasper."
"Is he okay?"
"He's gone for a while," I replied simply.
He's gone for a long, long time, I thought.
"What? Where?"
I shrugged, not wanting to discuss this. "Nowhere in particular."
"And Alice, too," she stated.
I answered her despite myself, "Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."
Several emotions flickered across her face. Her eyes were fixed on nothing, yet staring fixedly in my direction. I gave her too much information, I thought angrily to myself. She finally snapped out of it, her eyes meeting mine. She hunched forward in shame. What was going through her head? Maybe her arm was bothering her.
"Is your arm bothering you?"
"Who cares about my stupid arm," she replied snappily.
I could see the pain in her eyes. Everything I was doing was hurting this glorious creature. I watched her put her head on to the table. She didn't say anything to me for the rest of the lunch period and all the way through our last classes.
As I was walking her to her truck she peered over at me from a sideways glance. She huffed out a little sigh.
"You'll come over later tonight?" she asked wistfully.
She caught me off guard. Why later? Why not right now?
"Later?" I questioned.
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She explained to me.
"Oh," I said quietly.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" she looked sulky.
I would come over to see her one last evening before I left. I couldn't stay the night. Not if I wanted to have enough courage to leave her.
"If you want me to," I said, making sure it was still her decision.
"I always want you," she replied intensely.
"All right, then," I said apathetically.
I pulled open the door to her truck. She got in turning to me. I kissed her forehead like I did this morning. I had decided unconsciously, apparently, that it would be unwise for me to bring my lips to hers again. I knew if I did I would break down and stay. I shut her door and staggered away. Each step seemed to cause me pain. I could feel the splitting of my body more forcibly than before.
I arrived home devoid of all thoughts and noise, and I could suddenly feel the emptiness in my chest. The silence was eerie as I walked through the house. I didn't even make it to the stairs before I fell to my knees.
One more day, I told myself. I curled into a ball on the ground as I tried to imagine what I was going to say to Bella. I winced frequently as our many conversations flitted through my mind. It was unnerving how easily this human girl could make me collapse. I tried to concentrate on the happiest moment I could think of. Bella and I in the meadow…her warm touch…our first kiss…
A scream shattered my concentration as another thought went flying through my mind. Bella lying on the ground like a wounded animal as she writhed in pain from James' bite. She was jerking around and screaming about the fire.
I lay there, panting. The pain coursed through me so rapidly I thought that I was going to shatter and break. I felt like someone had placed a pillow over my face as each breath became more ragged and less fulfilling.
The threat of not seeing Bella this evening brought me back to reality. I pulled myself off the ground, looking for a clock. It was too early. I can't stay here anymore. I stood up and sprinted to my car. I drove well above the speed limit all the way to the Swan's residence.
I pulled into the driveway. Charlie was watching baseball. He probably wouldn't mind if I just 'watched' TV with him until his daughter arrived home. I knocked on the door gently. I heard Charlie grumble as he wrenched himself out of his chair and answered the door.
"Oh, Edward," he started.
"Hello Chief Swan," I interrupted him.
"Bella's not home yet," he finished.
"Do you mind?" I asked while gesturing to let me in.
"Oh…no, of course not. Come in," he stuttered. "There's pizza on the table if you are interested."
"No, thanks," I replied blankly.
I made myself comfortable on the armchair. I sat still, trying to not let the pain overcome me again. I stared unblinkingly at the TV screen, not paying attention to what was playing. The moments passed agonizingly slow. I was so screwed up in pain that when I heard the front door open it startled me. Usually I would have heard Bella from several blocks away. Her sweet voice drifted into the room.
"Dad? Edward?" she shouted out.
I didn't answer. The pain was so much that if I were to open my mouth I was afraid a cry would escape. If I kept up this course of action, it would block my progress of finally leaving her to her humanity. She'll go on with her life – she will have a life to go on with, I reminded myself.
"In here," Charlie called.
I saw her from the corner of my eye, afraid to even look upon her beauty. When she walked into the room she brought her warm scent with her. White hot knives cut down my throat.
"Hi," she said softly.
"Hey, Bella," Charlie responded. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."
"Okay," she responded, blinking at me in surprise.
She did not move from the doorway as her heart began to race in panic at my stature. I finally got the courage to look up at her. I put on a blindingly fake smile, "I'll be right behind you."
I quickly brought my eyes back to the TV before I decided to jump up and bring her into my arms. You can't do that. If I were to embrace her warmth, her trusting arms, I would dissolve into nothing and be putty in her capable hands.
I wasn't sure what Bella was doing as I heard her playing with her camera. She went upstairs to her room and I could hear the clicking of the buttons. Was she taking pictures of her room? Why?
A thought hit me like a ton of bricks. Did she think my peculiar actions meant that we were leaving? My stomach twisted sickeningly as I thought about how my words were going to hurt her worse than ever. I suddenly felt a profound reluctance to my plan.
I heard her soft footsteps as she walked slowly down the stairs and went into the kitchen, fiddling with her camera. Keeping her in my peripheral vision, I watched as she leaned around the corner and snapped a picture. I looked up at her, wondering what she was doing.
"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.
"Oh, come on," she smiled but her eyes were not amused.
She came into the living room then, lowering herself to the ground in front of Charlie. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt," she continued.
Her voice was quivering lightly. I could tell she was nervous. As if my body wasn't already ripped to shreds, I could feel the hollowing of my insides at her anxiety, like someone was scrapping a potato peeler against my chest.
"Why are you taking pictures of me, though," Charlie groaned.
"Because you're so handsome," she said teasing. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."
Charlie mumbled under his breath, "Damn Renée."
"Hey, Edward, take one of me and my dad together," Bella held out the camera.
I didn't get up so she threw it in my direction. She knew I would catch it. Bella pushed herself off the ground and put her face close to Charlie's. Charlie sighed heavily. Her face was utterly heart breaking. "You need to smile, Bella," I murmured, meaning it for future reference too.
Her smile was fleeting at best as I pressed the button and the camera flashed.
"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie suggested trying to pull the focus off of him.
I didn't want him to take a picture of us because this was just another thing I would have to take from Bella before I left. Bella came to my side and I could feel her warmth. This is what I wanted to avoid. The closer she got to me the harder it was for me to keep my resolve in check. I placed my hand lightly on her shoulder, and even then I was trying hard not to bring her into my iron clad grasp and let her warm my arms. She ignored my poor attempt of a formal posture and wrapped her arms around my waist. The rush of heat spread up to my face and down to my toes.
"Smile, Bella," Charlie commanded.
She sighed heavily, exhaling the most delicious of scents. The camera flashed.
"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie demanded and shoved the camera deep into the cushions and sitting on it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."
Bella was still securely wrapped around me. My stomach continued to twist into a horrible knot. I let go of her shoulder and wiggled out of her grasp, moving back to the armchair. She stood there stunned for a moment before going and sitting next to Charlie on the sofa.
All of the agonizing emotions that had been piling up on me lately seemed to be crashing down leaving large angry welts. I continued to sit in the chair, motionless, as each anguishing sensation terrorized my insides. When I couldn't take it anymore I stood up in a blindingly fast motion. Charlie didn't notice. "I'd better get home," I announced.
"See ya," Charlie called back.
I strode out to my car, leaving Bella following behind me. Rain was pouring down in copious amounts. Each step was like dragging a dead weight.
"Will you stay?" Bella asked hopelessly.
I didn't even turn around because I knew if I looked into her deep communicative eyes I would crumble under her will. "Not tonight."
I got into my car and drove away listening to the rain drops pelt my windshield. I looked in my review mirror and saw her standing in the rain with her mouth halfway opened in horror. I pressed the accelerator to its limits. Every part of my being was begging me to turn around and comfort her.
I had to find something to bide my time until I would see Bella again at school tomorrow. Instead of heading home I began driving north at deadly speeds with my lights turned off. I had been driving for fifty miles when the sickening sensation ripped through me again as I realized in less than forty-eight hours Bella would no longer be in my life. Simultaneously turning the steering wheel sharply, I slammed the brakes to the car and did a one-eighty, then accelerated back towards the direction from which I had come.
I couldn't take it anymore. The pain in my heart was aching beyond belief. The hollowing out of my body was suddenly filling again as I raced closer to her house. I parked some distance from her window so Charlie wouldn't see me. I scaled the wall and snuck in through Bella's window.
She was already curled up in the bed, sleeping. I would allow myself this one thing. She was wrapped snuggly in her covers. I brought my arms around her and brought my lips to her hair. I breathed in a generous gulp of her fragrance, trying to etch it into every line of my memory. My whole body filled with her warmth as she slept restlessly all night. I knew that it was my fault.
I looked out of her window and through the clouds which was a misty opalescent blue. I had to leave before she realized I was here. I wrenched myself away from her, literally having to pry my own arms from around her. Even in sleep she was attempting to influence me against leaving. I gave one last look of longing back at her before I jumped out of the window and raced back to my house. It was still utterly silent. I prepared myself mentally as best I could for the day.
I met Bella at school and we continued our silent charade. Every nerve ending was feeling horribly shredded. Bella must have been feeling the same way because she was completely oblivious when Mr. Berty asked her a question about Romeo and Juliet. I actually had to whisper the answer in her ear.
During lunch I continued to keep my distance and silence. It was the best way – the only way. Bella broke the silence again, but this time she didn't address me.
"Hey, Jess?"
"What's up, Bella?" What's his deal? Jessica thought.
"Could you do me a favor?" Bella asked while reaching into her backpack. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"
Bella handed her the camera.
Good! I have an excuse to get a picture of Mike and me. Jessica thought. "Sure."
I turned my attention on Bella. I continued to stay silent. All of her friends were passing her camera around and being noisy. I pushed all thoughts and voices out of my mind as I completely concentrated on the only person that mattered in my world. She was my focal point; without her I was empty.
The day droned on. It continued just like yesterday. I walked her to her truck, and she drove off without me. I drove back to my house, preparing for the onslaught. When I arrived Alice greeted me on the bottom stair outside the house. I was surprised.
"What are you doing here, Alice?" I snapped.
We'll, I'm here to warn you, since you haven't bothered to keep your cell phone on you.
"Warn me about what?" I answered scathingly.
Bella…she's going to be…devastated. I mean – she is going to get lost trying to follow you. If you don't do something to prevent that from happening she is going to get hypothermia out in the woods.
"Thanks, Alice."
Can I please…
"No!"
"Oh, be fair, Edward! Please let me say goodbye to her. My heart is broken. I miss her terribly. Please!" she begged.
"No, I think it is best if we all just leave her alone. A clean break, Alice."
Please, please, please I just want to give her a hug and let her know that I will always love her. How can you expect me to just run away and never look back? After everything I've seen. You…you don't understand. You get to say goodbye…I...I have to just turn my back on her. Alice's face was screwed up in sadness as a crease formed between her eyes like she was crying.
"Alice, no…please – for me," I pleaded.
Fine, but you better make sure she is taken care of or I will come back! She threatened. Would you like it if I stayed here with you tonight? Her 'voice' turned concerned.
"I would not be good company," I warned her.
I can handle it.
"No, I think you need to go back to Jasper," I muttered.
Fine, she thought sadly.
Alice was gone in the next second. I saw the leaves and branches bristle at where she disappeared. I sat on the bottom step and sighed heavily. I tried to close my mind up and let the coming night of torment envelop me.
***
The next morning came quickly as I finished packing a bag to take with me when I left. I had finalized my plan for breaking things off with Bella. I took into account what Alice had told me and decided there were steps I could take to prevent anything from happening to her.
The school day dragged on like the previous days. We continued to walk and sit next to each other in a long and painful silence. When the day had ended I decided that it was time. I had to end things. I had extended the deadline for several days and now I was causing Bella unnecessary pain by sticking around.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked when we reached her truck at the end of the school day.
She looked shocked and her mouth opened a little before she responded. "Of course not."
"Now?" I persisted.
"Sure," she replied shakily. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
I followed the direction of her eyes until I saw a very fat envelope on the seat. I knew what it contained; the pictures that she had been taking. I snatched it up without thinking about it. "I'll do it," I tried to explain my actions. "And I'll still beat you there." I tried my best to put a smile on my face to reassure her.
"Okay," she agreed grimly.
I marched over to my car and hoped in, preparing to race her back to her house. I did not plan to take her letter to the post office because I knew what the contents were. I speed down the side roads until I reached her house. I pulled into the driveway, parking in Charlie's spot so she would understand I didn't plan to stay.
I opened her front door with the key that was hidden under the eave and swiftly made my way to her bedroom. I noticed she had pictures of me and her in her scrap book. I pulled one out and unfolded the picture. There she was, beautiful and glorious as ever. I sighed. I pulled the CD out of the CD player. I grabbed the white box containing the plane tickets off of her desk. I couldn't take these things with me; they were just another reminder of what I was leaving behind. I felt wrong and dirty stealing her gifts. I decided I would keep them here for her. But where to hide them…I lifted a floor board up and placed everything underneath it. I replaced the wood neatly.
I could hear Bella's truck making its way down the road. I ran from her room and down to the kitchen. I scoped up the nearest pen I could find, using Bella's handwriting, I wrote on the pad of paper next to the phone. I would let Charlie know where she was. Bella was coming around the corner and I sprinted from the house and back into my car.
When she pulled into the driveway and began stepping out of her truck I exited my vehicle. I walked over to her and reached my hand out to take her bag. She handed it over and I reached around her placing it back into the truck.
"Come for a walk with me," I suggested quietly.
She didn't answer. Her face drained of all color as her eyes became wary. I didn't wait for her to answer. I put my hand behind her lower back and pushed her along with me. We inched slowly on the sodden ground. I made sure that we were only a few feet from the edge of the woods once we entered. We could still see her house.
I stopped and turned to stare at her. My world suddenly turned upside down. Pain rippled through my veins while my accompanying emotions followed in queue. I swayed on the spot thinking about what I was about to do and I leaned on the nearest tree for support. I tried to keep all of my anguish inside so she couldn't see my suffering.
"Okay, let's talk," she blinked.
I took in a large breath, letting her scent burn my throat; another reminder of what kind of creature I am. "Bella, we're leaving."
She took in a generous amount of air. She looked…relieved? "Why now? Another year –"
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I explained.
Her expression changed to confusion. She looked sick. "When you say we-," she whispered.
I tried to make my voice sound as cold as ice. "I mean my family and myself," I said distinctively.
She looked at me faintly while shaking her head back and forth in disbelief. She looked wildly around like she was waiting for someone to hop out and say 'just kidding.' She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to form words. She finally found her voice.
"Okay, I'll come with you," she stated matter-of-factly.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." My heart was screaming in protest to my words.
"Where you are is the right place for me," she cried, pain etched into every line on her face.
She had it all backwards. Where she was is the right place for me. I already felt like my attempt at dissuading her was not working. This could take hours – how could she ever believe that she wasn't the best thing in my existence?
"I'm no good for you Bella," my voice rose slightly to emphasize the truth.
Her heart began pulsing at a quickened rate. The sound tore slightly at my resolve but I had to hide that my body was quaking with sadness.
"Don't be ridiculous," she squeaked. "You're the very best part of my life." Her voice cracked on the last part.
"My world is not for you," I said grimly.
I felt the light that she produced in me vanish as suddenly as a light bulb. Was this just a terrible mistake?
"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she shouted.
"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected." I said softly.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted her.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she shouted furiously. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"
I sucked in air at her words, trying to rearrange my face. An icy surge of torture was coursing through my already frozen veins. A dead weight had plummeted through my heart and landed in my stomach. I looked down, refusing to let her see my face which was screwed up in torment. Each second ticked by and every one of those seconds contained an eternity of pain.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly.
I was grief stricken at my own words. New lacerations were forming on my already mutilated body. Each word I spoke made me feel like I was going to suffer in the lowest level of Hades for speaking this heresy.
"You…don't…want me?" she whimpered.
She looked so frail in this moment of sadness. I could see the pain I was causing her. I watched as each syllable I spoke sent a searing pain through her eyes. My stomach dropped sickeningly at the thought of her anguish.
"No." I lied.
She stared into my eyes – her eyes blank. My heart felt sick at the blasphemy.
"Well, that changes things." She said calmly.
In the anguish of this farce I was perpetrating, I believed it was impossible to feel worse… until she uttered those words. I exploded in pain! Large amounts of poison were leaking through my veins as realization hit. She believes me! Of all the insane things for her to believe…she believed this one lie. Agony rippled and swirled dizzily through my already aching body. It was torture like I had never endured before.
I looked away before I spoke my next words. "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human," I turned my gaze towards her. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't," her voice was barely a whisper. "Don't do this," she pleaded weakly.
It was too late. I had already made my decision. It was the only sensible course of action. I could feel a rise of pain begin to boil the venom in my veins.
"You're not good for me, Bella." I lied.
If there is one thing I learned acting human is that if you are a confident liar than the questioner will be less sure of the truth. I knew that looking away was always the first mistake only an incompetent liar would make. But I never had to lie so absolutely. A heavy reluctance washed over me. I was trying to frantically communicate without words that she was my life.
Her mouth opened soundlessly several times. "If that's what you want." Her face showed the most tragic expression I had ever witnessed. Why wasn't she fighting back? Was I that convincing?
I nodded once. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.
I saw her pain and I had to fix my expression before she could read the pain in my eyes.
"Anything," she vowed.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She nodded.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him."
She nodded again. "I will," she whispered.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
At my words I saw her knees start to shake. The heartache I was feeling was so intense – so all consuming that for a moment I didn't know where I was. I would have staggered sideways if it wasn't for the tree I was leaning on.
I smiled gently, "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" she sounded strangled.
"Well," I hesitated. "I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." I smiled but it was merely a desperate attempt at trying to hide my anguish and grief. I stepped back from Bella. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
Surprise crossed her face at my words. "Alice isn't coming back," she mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water.
I shook my head slowly while watching her face. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" she asked in disbelief.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
I understood her silence as she continued to gape at me. The tears wouldn't come though I begged them too. How could she believe anything I was saying to her in this moment? Didn't she understand that she was my world and I was nothing…absolutely nothing without her?
"Goodbye, Bella," I said in the softest voice I could muster.
"Wait!" she choked out.
Her arms came out to clutch me to her. The motion of her arms made her fragrance soar through the air. The heartache I was feeling reached such a pitch I thought I was going to break down and pull her into my arms. I wanted too. I wanted to embrace her back and comfort her and beg for forgiveness. Instead I grabbed her wrists and brought them to her sides quickly. I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead very lightly. I took in my last breath of her luscious aroma.
"Take care of yourself," I breathed.
The grief was beyond tears. When I pulled away her eyes were closed but snapped open and looked wildly around as I sprinted through the forest faster than I had ever ran before. I felt my heart being ripped from my body as a dark shadow filled the hollow place. In that moment I wanted it to end – I wanted to die. But I knew I couldn't move on into whatever next life could possibly exist for my kind without her.
I reached my car and drove as fast as it would go. When I finally reached a point where I couldn't drive anymore I staggered out of my car and departed at high speeds. As I was flying through the forest I knew I wouldn't stop while my heart was begging me to return. If I were to stop now I would go back to her. I didn't know where I was when I reached water's edge. I looked out at the water wondering how I had gotten to this point. I felt like the pain was slowly burning me.
I sank down on my knees and quivered in misery as each moment of what I had just done whipped at me, leaving lacerations. I let the despair swallow me whole…I let it take me under. I screamed in anger so loud that the water vibrated. I fell over becoming still and unoccupied as I brought my hand to my chest, not to hold back the beast, but to try and fill the hollow area that seemed to consume me. Silence pressed upon my ears as I slid away into the blackness of my mind.
Author's Note: This was the hardest of all the chapters I have written. I wouldn't suggest anyone writing this book from EPOV unless they are masochistic. Luckily I am. New Moon is my favorite of the books because of the pain and misery. Sad – I know!
Thanks to Thanks to krstn7727, LATAS for their input and edits to my many chapters.