The Long Way Home: It's Always Been You
Bella's POV –
I thrust my arms out from my sides forcing Edward and Jasper apart as I stepped between them. "STOP!" I yelled. "STOP IT!" I watched as both of them were taken by surprise at my actions since up until that point I had hung back basically out of harm's way. For once I didn't immediately feel Jasper's calming effects. I assumed that he was having too much difficulty controlling his own emotions to be overly concerned with anyone else's. I did however give him a sympathetic look as if to say I was sorry for all of this. I hated to admit it but Rosalie was right, I was still causing trouble for them all even though I was now a vampire. "That's enough. Both of you!" I said pushing against Edward's hardened chest. It was easy to see he wasn't quite ready to give up his fight.
"I've had about all I can take of this." Jasper said turning to look at me his eyes blazing.
It was odd for me to see him displaying anything but his typical calm demeanor. I wondered for a second if maybe this was more of what he had been like before he had met Alice and joined the Cullens. I reached out to him instinctively touching his shoulder wanting to offer him some sort of comfort. He had done so much for me in these past months that it pained me to think of all that he had endured and not just from me I thought as my eyes turned to look at Edward. I could tell that my attempt at soothing Jasper only caused more anger within him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to suffer all of this for doing nothing more than being my friend and helping me."
"You," Jasper stressed to me, "have nothing to be sorry for!" I saw him look over my shoulder his eyes boring holes into Edward's frame.
"I know you believe that." I countered, "But if I hadn't been so needy none of this would be happening." I knew it was true. If I had been able to handle Edward's rejection better or if I had been able to handle my transformation better there would have been no need for Jasper to continually be by my side.
"You aren't to blame for any of this." Jasper told me. "I have told you repeatedly how wonderfully you have been handling all of this. Each of us needed assistance and guidance to navigate our way into this life. That's all I have been doing for you this entire time."
"I know that Jasper and I can't thank you enough." I said smiling at him. He was a true friend and it was hard to believe there was a time when he wanted to kill me. I almost giggled at the thought but stopped myself knowing it wasn't appropriate given the circumstances.
I felt Edward inching forward. It was easy to tell that he had yet to get his anger in check and the sentimental exchange Jasper and I were having wasn't helping matters much. "Edward, enough already!" I turned and stared him down. I was torn suddenly, angry at him for what he was doing and had been thinking but also delighted that something concerning me was finally getting a reaction from him.
"This is between me and Jasper." He informed me.
"No it's not." I announced. "It's about me and you. Jasper's just the distraction you are using at the moment to get around the obvious." I shocked myself with those words. I hadn't expected to say them out loud even though I had been thinking them.
"That's ridiculous!" Edward shot back at me but there was something behind his blackened eyes that told me otherwise.
"No what's ridiculous is you thinking that Jasper is in love with me or that I have feelings of love for him. Edward, it's always been you! I have loved you always; even when you left me and I turned to Jacob there was a part of my heart, a huge part that always belonged to you. But you have made it nearly impossible for me since my change!" I said with an exasperated voice.
Edward's POV –
I watched the tender exchange between my love and my brother. That scene fueled my rage more than I had wanted it to. I had known all along that Bella was caring and always put the needs of others before her own and what she was saying to Jasper just now illustrated that to perfection. However the rational side of my brain would have none of that explanation all I could focus on was the gentle way she spoke to him and the caring way she looked at him. But it was Bella's declaration that finally shocked me into stillness.
She told me that it had always been me, that she had always loved me even when I left her she still loved me. That was difficult for me to comprehend. I had hurt her so badly by my taking off that it was hard to imagine even in that time her heart still harbored love for me. Or even still after had I had taken away her choice and changed her when she had no voice to say different. Yet now looking into her face I could finally see what all my angst had been clouding. Bella loved me.
I also recognized now how I had indeed made it nearly impossible for her to continue loving me since her transformation. I hadn't given her a thing to hold onto. I had slipped away getting lost in my torment, torment of my own making, instead of being by her side as I had promised to be. It was as though a light bulb had clicked off in my brain and all those things I had heard and been told about how my actions were effecting Bella finally rang true. If I hadn't been so lost in my own guilt, I would have been able to see what was right in front of me the whole time.
I found it all of the sudden difficult to look in Jasper's direction. I had done everything in my power to push her away and where else did she have to go but to him? Rather than thanking him for being able to do what I could not I used him and his 'feelings' for Bella as an excuse to keep pushing her further and further away. No wonder Alice thought I had gone mad. In some odd sense I had.
I looked up at Bella still digesting her proclamation of love for me. This was one of the first times since her change that I had allowed myself to be this close to her for this length of time and it felt good to be near her again even if I wasn't sure where we were to go from here it still was comforting to have her within my reach.
I wasn't sure what her reaction would be but I spoke to her just the same. "Would you walk with me?" I asked her.
She turned and looked at Jasper who in turn quickly nodded his head. And this time their exchange didn't upset me but rather I understood and dipping into Jasper's thoughts I knew that he was delighted that I had finally come to my senses or at least he assumed I had.
I extended my hand in front of us offering her to take the lead and she accepted. Looking back at the remaining members of my family all in varying stages of happiness and confusion, I hoped that I had the strength to correct yet another wrong I had committed against Bella – I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't already reached the three strikes you're out rule.
I shrugged off those thoughts, gently touched the small of Bella's back and followed her forward.
Bella's POV-
Jasper smiled slightly and nodded his head when I turned and asked my silent question with my eyes. We had gotten very skilled at reading one another and he knew what I wanted to know without ever having to hear me say the words. So when Edward put his hand out I stepped forward knowing what I wanted to happen between us yet completely unsure what would happen.
I took one brief glance back at the others as they started to move away from us. Jasper and Alice were holding hands smiling, looking giddy almost and Emmett and Rosalie followed behind holding hands both of their faces holding rather puzzled looks. Who could blame them really after the strange scene and even stranger explanation they had come upon?
It was then I felt the light touch of Edward's hand on my back. It stunned me for a moment. It had been such a long time since he had allowed any physical contact between the two of us. I knew I had missed his touch but up until that instant I hadn't truly realized how much. If I hadn't been so taken by the fact that Edward had actually dared to touch me I might have concentrated more on how different his touch felt. Once there would have been a distinct coldness, almost numbing effect but now all I could feel was his hand against the small of my back. It felt the way any human to human contact would have felt – touch to touch. I smiled slightly at that thought for the first time truly feeling the genuine sensation of Edward's touch.
"Thank you for joining me." Edward's soft voice pulled me from my thoughts. "I certainly haven't given you much reason to."
I turned sideways looking at his despondent expression unsure of how to respond. I could have easily said that I would follow him anywhere because at one time that had been true and in essence it was still true yet at the moment there was a part of me that was guarded when it came to him. "There is no reason to thank me." I told him. "You wanted to talk with me?" I asked him suddenly fearful of what was on his mind.
"Yes." I heard the hesitation in his tone but it was when he pulled his hand away from my back that the chill ran up my already frozen spine.
I stood in front of him waiting to hear what he wanted to tell me. The silence that fell between us was deafening. I fidgeted a bit as I cataloged the list of offenses I had committed since becoming a vampire. I could only imagine that's what Edward was trying so delicately to come up with a way to discuss with me. The awkward silence between us was more than enough to drive me mad. I wanted him to just get it over with already. I needed to know where we stood with one another.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" I finally found the courage to say.
It was now his turn to fidget which only heightened my anxiety. "I'm not even sure where to begin." He said truthfully. "I have let you down again. I am forever doing that, Bella." His voice expressed his anguish. "I don't deserve you. I never have." He turned his head away unable to continuing looking at me.
"Stop." I told him forcing his eyes to meet mine. "You can't keep doing this. I love you. I have always loved you. Why isn't that enough?" My voice carried its own angst.
"You've always been enough, Bella. It's I who hasn't. I have caused you nothing but trouble…."
"That's so not true," I cut him off mid sentence. "You have saved me over and over again."
"Saved you from situations that I, what I am, created. And now I have taken away your life without giving you a choice." The tortured look on Edward's face broke my hardened heart.
"That's only how you see it." I stressed. "It's not I how do. You saved me Edward. You gave me the life I wanted except that suddenly you weren't a part of it." My voice caught in my throat as I reached for his hand trying to show him how much I loved and needed him. I saw his amber eyes widen suddenly staring at me with sheer surprise on his face.
Edward's POV –
I listened to Bella as she tried to reason with me. She was telling me all the things that Alice and Jasper had already said time and time again. Standing there staring at her, I so desperately wanted to believe her words, but words not always revealed the truth that I knew all too well. Perhaps she was just trying to alleviate my guilt but saying what she thought I wanted or needed to hear.
Hearing her strangled voice as she told me that I gave her the life she always wanted expect that I was no longer a part of it tore at me but when it was when she took my hand in hers that things suddenly changed. Lacing her fingers with mine suddenly I was able to read her thoughts. I felt my eyes grow large unable to believe that I could finally hear her.
"Edward?" her questioning voice broke my trance.
"Yes love?" I replied still not completely in the present. All I could concentrate on was the confusion that reigned in her thoughts.
"What's wrong? What's happened?"
"I can hear you."
"Of course you can." She told me not understanding the meaning of my statement.
"No, I can hear your thoughts."
I watched her eyes grow wide now in disbelief. "Really?" she sounded as stunned as I felt.
"Yes."
"How?"
"I'm not sure." I told her but I had an idea. I believed it had something to do with the touch of our hands. I knew that Aro from the Voltri had a similar gift that by a single touch of a person's hand he could read every thought that he or she had ever had. I pulled my hand out of hers to test my theory. Instantly there was silence.
"Edward?" she said again puzzled I was sure.
"It appears that the touch of your hand to mine allows me to read your thoughts."
She clasped her hand securely in mine again and I was bombarded by so many of her thoughts. It took me a few moments to organize them in some sort of order. This was so different than just hearing them. It was overpowering or maybe it was just the way Bella was rapidly thinking so many things that was making it difficult to get a handle on things.
It was hearing her thoughts of how much she loved me that finally broke through my guilt. She was actually thanking me for saving her, changing her. I looked as she smiled softly at me. But it was the other things that she thought that pained me. Bella feared that she wasn't worthy of being a Cullen and that her thoughts of human blood disappointed me. She truly believed that I couldn't love her because of those struggles.
I stroked her cheek with my free hand. How could I have ever let her think that I could do anything but love her? I struggled again with my guilt that wanted to consume me but this time I took control of it and pushed it to its proper place. "I have loved you always." I declared tenderly.
"And I you." She said aloud even though her thoughts confirmed the very thing.
I finally understood the depth of just how much she wanted to be with me forever. How she was willing to leave everyone and everything she knew to have a life eternal with me. It amazed me how strongly she truly felt for me. I wasn't sure what I did to deserve such devotion, especially after all that I had done to harm her.
Her thoughts suddenly bounced to that afternoon in the field. She was all consumed by what she had done, that she had killed Jacob. She was disgusted by it. Again I heard her worry about being a disappointment to me for not being able to control herself. She had killed a human – drank from him. How could she ever be part of my family knowing what she had done?
"He deserved what he got." I said without reservation. "If you hadn't killed him, one of us would have. Emmett and Rosalie had been hunting him. It would have only been a matter of time before they found him."
"I wanted to be better." She said to me.
"Better than what?" I asked her not sure what she meant.
"I wanted to be like you."
"I'm not as perfect as you would believe. There was a time when I rebelled against Carlisle's ways. I was upset with him for taming my appetite and I left him for a time. I have drank human blood Bella so I am not as flawless as you thought."
"I wanted to show you that your changing me wasn't a mistake. I wanted you to see that I could be a part of your world."
I knew she thought I believed my changing her had been an error, that's why I had stayed away from her because I couldn't bear the idea of her being like me. That I didn't want her now that she was a vampire. She didn't know how wrong she was. "I didn't regret changing you, Bella. I only regretted the circumstances under which it happened. I took away your choice."
"But you didn't." she cut me off. "You gave me what you knew I wanted. I wanted to be with you forever."
"I know." I said finally truly believing that. "Yet how it happened, that you couldn't say for yourself that that's exactly what you wanted. How could I be sure that you weren't angry with me for what I had done?"
"You would have known if you bothered to find out instead of just thinking you knew." The truth to her words stung. She was right. I had done this to us. I had allowed my own guilt and what I thought I knew get in the way of what was.
"I am sorry." I knew those words sounded hollow but I was sorry and would spend eternity making it up to her if she would let me. "Bella, I love you and I always have. I just never wanted to damn you the way I was. I wanted more for you."
"I know, but what about what I wanted? This is what I have wanted since that night at prom. I have wanted to be like you for no other reason than to be with you forever. I love that much Edward. I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"Nor can I without you in mine." I agreed. "Can you ever forgive me for all of the foolish things I have done and said?"
"Only if you can forgive me for what I have done." I knew she was talking about killing Jacob Black and for me that wasn't even something that was worth thinking about. I meant it when I said I believed he got what he deserved no matter who had taken the action. In fact I found it very fitting that it was Bella who had disposed of him given all he had done to her.
"There's nothing to forgive."
"Edward," I heard the hesitation in her tone and could read her thoughts that she was still leery of being worthy of being a part of my family. She still feared her hunger for human blood would be problematic.
"I promise you." I began, "I will be with you every step of the way. The way it should have been from the minute you awoke to this life. Together we will make sure that the remainder of your transition is smooth. I promise you Bella, I will NEVER fail you again."
"I love you, Edward Cullen." She said softly before bringing her lips to mine.
This was the first time that I kissed her without hesitation or holding a single emotion back. For a second we devoured one another all the while still holding hands allowing me to read each of her thoughts. I smirked at her when we finally parted. "My my Miss Swan you are a naughty one." She returned my comment with a giggle and once more I kissed her lips softly. I finally felt at peace and knew without a shadow of a doubt that Bella did as well.
"Seriously though," I heard her begin. "What if I am not able to control my urges? Out here in the middle of nowhere it's been difficult enough. I can't imagine what how it will be as we begin moving closer to civilization."
"Maybe we need to go back to Forks." I told her.
"What?" she sounded totally shocked by the idea.
"Hear me out." I said. "I think that we need Carlisle's guidance and wisdom. Each of us has had the benefit of his insight and understanding. You shouldn't be kept from that. It's unfair to you.
"Go back to Forks?" I could tell the idea frightened her but there was no doubt in my mind that that's what we should do, all of us. We needed the strength that being together as a family provided us, Bella especially needed that. Alice and Jasper had done a great job helping her so far but there was just something about Carlisle's calming ways that I knew she needed.
I reached for her hand again loving that now I had access to her inner thoughts. Instantly I was bombarded by her intense fears of what going back to Forks meant. "There is no need to worry. You will be fine. We all will make sure of it. Yes, even Rosalie." I smiled at her as she thought about how Rosalie wouldn't be so willing to offer her assistance when it came to anything having to do with her. "I promise." I reassured her.
"I don't know." She replied her voice still full of hesitation.
"I'm not saying we stay in Forks forever. I know that would be far too difficult on you, but right now I can't ignore the fact that we need Carlisle and Esme." I added knowing that she had been Bella's surrogate mother and right now a mother's love and acceptance was something she so very much needed.
"What if someone sees me?"
"They won't. I will make sure of that. Do you trust me?" I asked right away fearing her answer. I certainly hadn't given her much reason to so in quite some time.
"Yes." She answered me without delay. "Yes, I trust you."
"Then let's go back to the others and tell them that we want to go back to Forks." I decided that for once I wouldn't be making any edicts that the family needed to follow. I would tell them that Bella and I would be returning to Forks to be with Carlisle and Esme but what they decided to do would be their decisions. I was sure I knew what Alice and Jasper would choose but as for Emmett and Rosalie well that was up in the air still. I wanted us to all be together but was slowly learning that everything wasn't always about me.
"I love you, Edward Cullen."
Bella's words caused my unneeded breath to hitch in my throat. It was still difficult for me to truly believe that I deserved her or that she didn't blame me for everything that had happened in her life. "I love you too, Ms. Swan." Gently I kissed her cheek and took her hand in mine as we began making our way back to our family.