Chapter 5: Oblivion

The waves of the ocean crashed over me and I could feel myself slowly sinking into the sand. The water was very warm. The sun was beginning to come up over the horizon causing the sky to turn a brilliant pink with orange strips of clouds stretching across the sky. This would normally be something beautiful but it was nothing…dull compared to Bella. I literally had no idea where I was, when I was running the pain had obscured my vision and I barely made it through the several miles of woods without crashing out.

I closed my eyes and there she was, beautiful, a soft blush creeping into her porcelain cheeks. The waves continued to crash over me. My hand was still placed firmly on my chest, trying to find my heart. I knew where it was, it was in Forks. Wave after wave crashed over me until I was now several inches into the sand. I didn't care; I would sink down until I was in hell. I was already burning, though, each agonizing breath of the salty air ripped at my lungs because it was absent of the scent I craved the most.

I opened my eyes to see another wave come crashing over me. A seagull flew over head and splashed into the water, catching a fish. I felt like I would never be able to move from this spot in fear that if I were to get up the only direction I would go is towards her. Towards my whole life, the reason that I exist is for her. I knew it, and this is why I was burning; flames ripping up and down my body scorching me and turning my body into ash

Another wave. It didn't put out the fire that was slowing cooking me. I took another agonizing breath. Is this what it felt like to die? Because that is how I feel – like I'm dying, except my body is too strong to die so easily - so instead I'm stuck with the feeling of death without the ecstasy of the end. This was the end, though. There would be nothing else – nothing. No more smiles, no more joy – no more teasing or joking. Nothing.

The sun finally rose into the sky at a very sharp angle sending rainbows reflecting off the gleaming water. I sank even lower into the sand as another wave crashed over me.

Oh my god, it's a dead body. A male thought.

He was right; I was dead…on the inside. Normally my first response would be to prevent exposure but I didn't move, unable and unwilling to.

What is all over the body making it sparkle? Maybe it's a disease. Holy crap… the thoughts continued.

I heard the man's sloppy footsteps in the sand as he sunk with every step he took. He was walking around in circles like he was trying to find something. I ignored him – I was too busy dying to care what else was going on around me. As hard as I was trying to just let my body wither and die it did not, it continued to live.

This should work, the man thought.

Suddenly a stick was poking me like I was road kill or a strange science experiment. I sat up in such a blindingly fast motion that the man stumbled several feet back until he landed butt first in the sand. His eyes were wide with terror, his thoughts incoherent with panic. I shook myself like a wet dog and walked away, emitting rainbows onto his skin. His jaw dropped at my appearance and he continued to sit there in the wet sand with pure shock across his face.

As soon as I was away from the man I ran until I found an area where I wouldn't be exposed. I soon found the edge of a large jungle and ran for a few miles inward, hoping no human would find me here. Bella's face floated in front of my face as I was running and I stopped, sliding to the floor. Putting my face in my hands I begged and pleaded that the tears would come. I needed some release and again, there was no release. I was barely clinging to reason even though I continued to try and convince myself that I was doing this for her - for Bella.

If you love her than avoiding her is the best thing you can do for her, I tried to convince myself once again. I wonder what my future looks like now. Surely Alice sees a black oblivion because I couldn't imagine going on without her. I sunk lower onto the bracken infested floor and put my face to the ground. Would this pain ever subside? I inhaled the many scents of the earth and once again it was pure agony. It was absent of the aroma of the sweetest blood I had ever tasted.

I closed my eyes and let her face fill my mind. The problem with seeing her behind my eye lids is that I also saw the pain and anguish I had put her through. I saw her face as I told her I loved her no more – worse – her reaction to it all. Maybe it will help her heal; if she truly believed I didn't love her anymore maybe she will move on.

A burning pain ripped up my veins and tore through my body. I clenched my teeth at the onslaught of pain. I'm pitiful. So full of nothing but venom and death. I didn't know how long I lay there. The canopy above me didn't let much light through but I was sure that the night had returned. The many insects on the floor of the jungle kept their distance from me.

A noise nearby caught my attention and I blinked lazily, dully, like it was nothing more interesting than the wind. It was a Panther, and it was searching for its prey. I remained unmoving and dead on the floor. I was not interested in feeding anymore. I was so sick with pain that my stomach had filled with nothing but remorse and I became revolted by the scent as it walked by. I ignored its presence.

Closing my eyes again I brought her to the forefront of my mind…back to her glorious face. I reached out like she was really there – like I could really touch her. There were tears in her eyes and I went to wipe them away but my hand found nothing but dirt and leaves. I grab a handful up and threw it forcefully across the jungle.

I could suddenly feel a great rage boil up in me. Brutal violence was burning and begging to break free from my body. I stood with force and grabbed the first thing I could find. It was a large rock. Lifting it, I threw it with such force that it went flying at a ferocious velocity - it didn't knock down any trees, it just went right through them.

I had found my release after all. Anger! Rage! I was absolutely furious that I had ever hurt Bella, the one person on earth that I love more than anything and I broke her. I brought her to the edge of death on more than one occasion. I couldn't believe I had permitted myself to do such a stupid idiotic thing! I should have left months ago, after James.

Looking around I tried to discern where I was at, finally waking from my stupor. I didn't even know what continent I was on. All I knew is that I had just awoken with a vengeance and I was ready to do more damage. I followed my scent out of the jungle and back to the water's edge. I looked out on the water, the moon was gleaming off of it sending reflections onto my face. I looked around trying to figure out where I was at.

I knew that I was on the east coast because of where the sun rose this morning. A wave of pain hit me again as my stomach knotted into several tiny knots. I closed my eyes slowly bringing her face back to me. She smiled warmly. I opened my eyes again and the rage returned when I realized she wasn't standing in front of me. I took in several large gulps of air, catching my scent on the air. I followed it back to my car. Apparently I ran to South America after parking my car in Mexico.

I opened the driver's side door and sat down, preparing to turn the key over in the ignition. As I put my hand on the key a delicious smell tingled under my nose. Falling limp in my seat, I realized it was Bella's scent. It was still lingering in the car, her warm aroma. I made sure all of the windows were securely shut and kept the car off, letting the warmth of the south make her fragrance almost real.

I refused to leave the car, knowing that if I were to open the door or turn the car on that her scent would be swept away with the wind. My anger and rage flooded from my body as I leaned back taking in deep breath after deep breath. I put my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. Her face swam into view and I took in another breath. The pain was so real in this moment that I felt like I was being filled with boiling water. I felt utterly sick, sick to my core

I pictured our last conversation in my head over and over. "Don't," her voice was barely a whisper. "Don't do this," she pleaded weakly. "You're not good for me, Bella." I lied. I hung my head and my eyes stung with venom, the closest thing I would ever have to tears. Wincing frequently at the memories, I felt a burning desire to just go back. Would she forgive me? I would beg for forgiveness for days, weeks, years, until I died – the wish for this was growing deeper by the second.

My body was in a continuous motion of exploding in pain. The agony tore at my insides and it was hitting me with such a force that my breath was becoming shallower. Breathing was a necessity right now – her scent still lingered here and I had to take advantage of it while it was still here. The pain started to reach at such a pitch that each second felt like it contained an eternity of burning in the deepest pits of hell.

Greif was swelling up inside me at each breath and I could feel my body being ripped, more than it already was. There were hardly any pieces left, my body was torn and the only way to fix it is if I were to go back there. Maybe I could just check on her. No! I commanded myself. Don't be selfish!

Slowly a dark shadow possessed me and I looked at my face in the mirror – what I was now, I didn't know. My eyes were blank and I could sense a deeper emotion coming into play. Heartbreak. The ache in my chest was so intense – so all consuming I suddenly didn't know where I was. My mind shifted into blackness like an eclipse - into darkness…I was nowhere, nonexistent, empty…nothing.

"I mean, is there no hope then?" she said softly.

"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…"

There was no more hope.

Days passed by while I was in my oblivion. I was swimming in emotions. I was suffering, burning alive and pain, agony, anguish and grief were my only friends. My mind was in such a tormented stage I didn't know if I were ever going to pull out of the blackness. I continued to inhale as deeply as possible every second that I could. It had been a week and the scent was barely present anymore.

I know he's around here somewhere! "Hey! He's over here," Alice shouted to someone.

Alice? What is she doing here?

Thank the heavens. "Is he alright?" Esme asked, concerned.

I sensed the car door being opened. Carlisle was standing over me, the concern on his face darkened by another shadow. "Edward?" The relief in Carlisle's voice was apparent.

I didn't feel the same relief. "Alice has been searching for you. When you didn't meet up with us in Alaska... Well... We've been worried." Carlisle spoke slowly, as if he spoke to a child.

I stared back at him, dazed. This doesn't look good. "Emmett, let's get him out of here, will you drive his car?" Carlisle called out.

"No!" I cried and grabbed the door and slammed it shut like I was a five year old having a temper tantrum.

Emmett raised his eyebrows at me. He's lost his mind.

I know why you don't want to leave your car, Edward, but you must. Please, come with us. Think about Esme. She has been devastated for more than a week now. Alice pleaded silently

Emmett opened the door again and I could literally see the particles of air with her scent leaving the car. My face was so screwed up in pain it was unrecognizable.

"Come on, Edward. Get in the Mercedes," Emmett coaxed.

It was too late; her scent was now free on the wind. It was late at night; the moon was high in the sky and yet the darkness was nothing compared to the blackness of my mind.

I still didn't move, it felt like my legs wouldn't support the new weight that I was carrying around. Memories flooded my mind.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…," I whispered.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick masochistic lion." I murmured.

Emmett dragged me from my car and helped me into the Mercedes. When he shut the door I leaned up against the window letting the blackness take me whole, I let it devour me. I was swimming in a pool of misery. I could hear their conversation but it was like I was dead, like I could witness it all but not participate.

He has to snap out of this. "What are we going to do with him?" Alice asked Carlisle.

"I don't know – I've never seen a vampire catatonic before," his eyebrow furrowed.

"Oh Carlisle, we have to do something. Maybe we should bring him back to Bella," Esme whispered.

"That isn't our decision," he decided.

"Let's take him back to Alaska with us and decide from there," Alice murmured. Oh Edward, please snap out of it, please, for me. I miss you.

I blinked in response and through the tinted window I saw her face and she understood.

"Let's go," Emmett bellowed.

I heard a car door shut and an engine purr to life and then my car speed away. Alice, Esme and Carlisle got into the Mercedes and began pulling out of the parking lot we were in. Alice was in the backseat with me and she brought my head into her lap, brushing dirt off of my face while murmuring that everything would be alright.

Everything wouldn't be alright though, everything was very, very wrong. My hands were constantly clenching and unclenching as each wave of pain rippled through me. I realized Alice was trying to hide something from me in her mind, though. She was actually trying very, very hard to hide something from me and so I sat up quickly.

"What was that?" I asked crisply.

Esme turned around in her seat while Carlisle peered through the review mirror at me, slightly raising his eyebrows at my sudden speech

"It's nothing Edward. Quit." Alice commanded.

"Was that Bella? What did you see? Show me!" I demanded.

At the sound of her name she slipped for only a fraction of a second, but the second was long enough for me to see. I gasped in horror.

"When was that?" I cried.

"After you left her in the woods," she replied glumly.

"No!" I moaned. "Is she okay? Please....Tell me she's okay! Tell me that I didn't break her."

Alice placed her hand gently on my forearm and answered softly, "Edward, she's…alive."

"Alive?" I questioned, feeling more out of control as each second passed. Had I needed to breathe, I was sure I would feel dizzy.

"Well…yes…she is not physically damaged but she hasn't left her room in a week and....." I cut her off.

"Stop. Stop right there." I begged though the visual pictures continued in her head.I put my head into my hands and cried dry tears. I broke her. What have I done? Will she ever forgive me.

"Take me back," I demanded.

"If that's what you want," Carlisle looked at me in the review mirror with a look of pure worry.

"Of course, take me back now!" I yelled.

We drove for several hours until we reached the outside of Washington. Carlisle pulled the car over.

"I'm not going to take you back there, Edward. If you wish to get out of the car the run the rest of the way I won't object but with everything that has happened I won't so easily bring you back there when you are in this kind of a state," he explained.

I looked out the window longingly, wishing that I could make myself get out of the car. I promised her that she would never see me again. She had never broken a promise to me and I wasn't going to break this one. I couldn't – Charlie will take care of her.

I looked at Alice but she already knew my decision.

"Drive," Alice commanded Carlisle.

He turned to look at me. "Drive," I shouted.

I looked behind me while watching the orange street lights become smaller and less distinct as we passed the many cities in Washington, wishing that I could return to her.

Author's Notes: And here we are now, beginning our journey into the unknown. Until we reach Volterra this is what you can expect:

*Edward struggling with his desire to go back to Bella.

*How his separation with Bella tears his family apart.

*Edward finally making the decision to hunt Victoria and why he decided it in the first place.

*Plus many other adventures along the way! (Hey, I can't give it all away!)

To my loyal readers I wanted to tell you that I appreciate every email, every review and every opinion. Thank you so much for your support and please keep reading!

Thank you LATAS for everything you have done for me! You make me want to become a better writer.

Thanks to krstn7727 for her help Beta Reading.