Chapter 6: Hunger

The drive to Alaska was painful. Each mile we drove away from Forks the more I felt like I was burning from the inside like I was going to combust. I could feel the ripping of my body, surprised there were any pieces left to shred. Alice continued to try and soothe me, but I was flinching and wincing frequently at the visions in her mind. I stared at her as her face showed a fraction of the emotions I was feeling, regardless, she was still feeling pain at the situation. She was trying very hard not to lash out at me as each vision hit her like a ton of bricks.

Maybe I'll just go back and check on her, make sure she's all right. Alice continued to contemplate ideas of going back.

I threw her a disgruntled look but she ignored me.

We could send her a letter…or a card saying we're sorry and that we all still love her. She continued.

This time I gave her a withering look, knowing that in the next fleeting second her mind will have changed again. I continued to stare fixedly at her small face as her golden eyes went in and out of focus. The only reason I didn't stop her from showing me these awful images was because I was seeing Bella.

I watched as another swirling image flitted across her mind. It spiraled in and out of focus while it became foggy and then clearer and back to foggy. I was concentrating on trying to see the image. It was our meadow and Bella was on her knees, tears flowing down her delicate cheeks. I searched and searched to see if I was there with her, but I wasn't. It went up in a wisp of smoke.

"What was that?" I asked.

"I'm not sure…she hasn't been making any decisions, like her brain is on repeat and the only thing she can think about is you," she replied slowly. "All the visions encompass you, though you're not there."

I sighed and looked out the window. My desire to go see her was burning stronger than ever. I closed my eyes and there she was, smiling her mysterious smile at me. My body seared with pain as the hollow aching in my chest felt like it had become deeper and ultimately emptier. My arms felt cold, how they always felt when Bella was absent from them. I had grown so accustomed to her warm body that my temperature seemed wrong somehow.

Another revelation swept into Alice's mind. Bella was sitting at the kitchen table in her house, Charlie across from her. They were eating in silence. Charlie was staring at her with a frown prominent on his face as she ate - her eyes blank, like she wasn't inside her body anymore. The vision swirled around and dissipated.

All of her visions burned me, yet I couldn't stop watching them, hoping I would see something…hopeful. She sighed heavily as she contemplated going to see Bella without her knowledge. She was missing Bella nearly as much as I was.

I still see it, Edward. She turned to see my rapt expression as the vision of her and Bella, arms around each other, flitted across her mind.

"I don't believe it," I barely whispered, though, you could hear the tiny roar of frustration in my voice.

I saw Carlisle glance in the rear view mirror and look away quickly. None of my business, he thought.

A little whimper escaped Alice's lips. You don't know how much this pains me. The images I see…she's hurting. Can't we just go back? Please. Alice pleaded silently.

My breathing was harsh and ragged. "I can't…I won't."

But you will…don't you see that? Another misty cloud protruded into her mind's eye as I saw Bella crying, but it was a joyful sob, a happy one. I was in her room. This vision, unlike the rest was clear as glass. In the next moment I was witnessing the expressions on my face, seeing myself through Alice's eyes. My eyes were black, blank and pitiless.

"No," I replied, louder than before, "I don't believe it. I won't return!"

I just can't take it anymore, I just wish the pain would cease in all of us, Esme sobbed quietly.

I saw Carlisle's eyes return to the rear view mirror as he thought, none of my business, again.

"But it is your business, this is everyone's business," I practically shouted.

Esme turned in her seat so she was facing me now. Her face looked paler than usual, sadness was etched into every beautiful line of her face. We could go back… she thought fleetingly.

I didn't want to get angry at Esme so I concentrated every last particle of my mind on staying calm. My voice still came out muffled from my gritted teeth. "We will not go back and ruin her life. I refuse to put her in danger. Please respect that."

"We do, Son," Carlisle said softly, looking mildly surprised.

"Well, I don't!" Alice's fury came out of nowhere.

I realized where her anger came from when she showed me the first vision she had of Bella right after she left Forks with Jasper. Bella was lying on the cold, wet ground of the forest. It was dark and she had been there for hours muttering 'he's gone' over and over as it rained on her.

"Don't you see what you have done?" she growled.

"They found her and she was fine," I retorted, though the agony still filled my stomach at the painful images.

"I wasn't done," she snapped back.

Another cloudy mist revolved around until I saw Bella lying in her bed refusing to eat, drink, or speak to anyone. I witnessed her mother coming over and Bella lashing out, running amuck in her room, throwing things out of suit cases as her mother tried to pack her things. She was screaming at both of them until large tears finally escaped her eyes and she collapsed on the floor, her father trying to hold her up.

"Stop," I begged.

Her vision shifted until there was nothing but smoky and shadowy images around Bella, they were not solidly there in the future, yet. Was I one of them?

"Please," I pleaded weakly.

"Alice, that's enough," Carlisle said softly, yet sternly.

There was a slight gleam of triumph in her eyes but it faded into a great sorrow. Instead of showing me the pain, she changed tack. Memories flooded into her mind of our happy summer together. My eyes stung so I blinked. No tears. I was still the monster.

"We can't go back. We just can't. Stop looking for her future. We can't linger on this anymore," I said slowly, emphasizing my words.

When you say we, you mean everyone but you, Alice thought silently, but I ignored her. I'm right. She gloated.

"Alice, please." I pleaded. "Stop. Don't look for her future, respect my wishes, please."

All of her memories started swirling around trying to get at me. I gave her a disgruntled look and she stopped. Fine…I'll respect your wishes, she hissed the word, but I'm right. You will return to her. I just know it.

"Thanks," I muttered.

Esme hadn't mumbled a single word in thought or aloud. She turned around to look at the road again. I can't stand to see him in so much pain. I thought Bella was his cure, his mate, his perfect match, she thought sulkily.

At her thoughts the hollow ache in my chest threatened to overpower me. The agony…the grief, it was beyond tears. I closed my eyes once more to see her glorious face.

We arrived in Alaska. The sky was cloudy and the grounds looked misty like it had just rained. The house in front of us was a large three story building with dark red brick and white shutters. I had been here many times before but had no interest in staying here for long.

I dragged my feet reluctantly out of the car. With my first breath of the fresh air outside I caught a whiff of something I had smelt before, my nostrils flared to bring the scent deep into my aching, burning lungs. Something sinister. Alice and I both glanced at each other briefly, silently communicating. Anger and rage started flowing through my veins as I took in another breath. It was the emotions that made me forget about the pain for brief half seconds at a time. I clung to the anger.

I smell it too. It's only hours old. Alice thought.

Tanya came out of the house to greet us. "Welcome. I'm so glad you are back, Edward. We were worried about you," she was delighted. I was hoping he'd come back, she thought sheepishly and then turned away from me, realizing I heard her. The merest flicker of a smile appeared on her face.

I ignored her and looked at Alice, my face suddenly tense and alarmed. She had a quizzical look on her face. I don't understand, she thought, perplexed.

"Look," the sound barely escaped my lips, trying to not alert the others.

Her eyes went blank as she tried to find Victoria's future. Misty clouds of purplish smoke swirled around and showed shadowy figures, and odd shapes but nothing discernable. Nothing, she thought, frustrated. Want to check it out?

I nodded my head infinitesimally.

"Edward needs to hunt," Alice announced to everyone. "I'll go with him."

"We can all go," Jasper came out of the house to greet us.

Love spilled from his every pore and I blanched at the thoughts. The hollow place, where my heart used to be, filled with a poisonous gas as my body soaked up the love I'd never have again.

I didn't want the others to know that we had caught her scent. None of them had sensed it because the wind shifted. "No. That's okay, I can go by myself," I replied firmly.

Edward, don't leave us again. Alice whimpered.

"I'll be back shortly," I promised her.

Before anyone could say another word I was running west towards the Denali National Park – I was on a mission. I let the rage and anger fill me as memories flooded my mind of the fateful night that James almost killed the most gracious creature on earth. The pain of that evening lashed at me and I sped up hastily. The sky was opaque with rain and I was rapidly moving through the mud. Curtains of rain began to pour down on me. The wind and rain lashed at me as I heard the howling of rushed voices. I pushed myself at full throttle towards the whispered discussion that was too far away to comprehend. They were just lurking out of sight.

Suddenly there was silence. I tried to push myself even faster towards the now echoing silence. I felt like I was making very little progress but at long last I got a whiff of another vampire – Laurent, but there were no vampires that I could see. The rain continued to soak the ground, making it too sodden to hold any lingering scent of my new prey…Victoria.

At sight of no release, my knees buckled and I collapsed to the forest floor. The sky continued to dump large buckets of water on me as I lay there, wishing that the pale pearly gray sky would just cave in on me and end my pitiful existence. There was a deluge of thoughts that protruded into my mind, but they were just previous memories of the one person who held me and bound me to this earth. The cold I felt in her absence felt intensified as the memories continued to lash at me.

She was my world and everything about me centered on her instead of myself. It was always about her, everything I did was to protect her and keep her safe, no matter the price I would have to pay. What is she doing now? Is she okay? My curiosity ached like a thirst. I tried to see something else, anything else – but she was all I saw, my focal point. I was robbed temporarily of breath as the many memories whipped at me and continued to hollow out my insides like someone was filling me with acid. Slowly my flesh burned away as misery took me under.

I laid on my back on the forest floor for only a few minutes - a few minutes that felt like whole life times, entire eternities - before Alice was standing over me, a look of worry in her expression.

"I thought I'd find you here," she said lightly, holding out a hand.

My stomach felt sick and I didn't think I could reach out for her helping hand.

Come on, she encouraged.

I still lay there, strewn across the forest floor. The sky was beginning to darken, making the forest look ominous. I was barely able to move my arm up in the air but I only raised it a few inches before she grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet.

You're thirsty, she noted.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not hungry."

It's been weeks, she coaxed.

"I'm not interested. I feel…sick." A feeling of dread swept through me.

The last time I even tasted venom in my mouth was when… I shuddered.

What is it? She wondered.

"Nothing," I whispered.

Edward, I'm really worried about you.

"I know. You just don't understand," I began to explain, "I feel torn, ripped to shreds…hollow. It was such a brutal ending to what should have been a long and happy relationship full of love, but instead…" I trailed off.

It can still be a long and happy relationship.

"I can't do it, Alice. I can't take her soul," I eyed Alice, "and I won't let you do it either."

She loves you and wants to be with you. A memory of a vision flashed across her mind.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Bella shouted furiously. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"

"I can't do this anymore, Alice. I can't pretend I'm okay," I growled. "I love her, and she will stay human and live a human life. Something that you can't understand," I hissed.

She flinched at my words. Ouch.

We stared at each other for several minutes, our minds silent. The rain had stopped.

"How long has it been since Laurent has lived up here?" I asked, changing the subject.

Two weeks. I guess he decided to leave when he found out we were coming up here to visit. They haven't seen him since then. Why?

"I caught his scent in the forest but it started to rain and I lost it," I explained.

Oh. That's strange. I tried to look for Victoria's future but I still couldn't find it. All I get is a bunch of flashes. You would think I would see it if Laurent were there.

I nodded, my mind elsewhere now.

Let's get back. Alice grabbed my hand and led me through the forest, barely going at a humans pace.

When we arrived back at the house Jasper greeted us at the front door. Once again, the love emitting from his mind burned me, leaving angry lacerations at my already torn and shredded body. I watched them embrace and realized that Bella would never bring that comfort to me again. I felt a horrible compression in my stomach as it twisted and turned and possibly tore in half.

Oh, wow…stop Edward. Jasper sank to his knees as my dread flooded him.

Alice looked at him in horror, trying to help him to his feet and then turned to me.

"I'm sorry," I croaked, turning around and running. I was so full of grief that I didn't notice Carlisle right behind me and I almost ran over top of him. He grabbed me by my shoulders, steadying me.

"Edward, where are you going?" he asked anxiously.

"I have to leave, look at Jasper," Agony was apparent in my voice.

Jasper was now on the ground, his body rigid and immobile. His face was screwed up in pain.

What can I do? Alice asked me in panic.

"I don't know, Alice. I have to leave," I replied quickly.

Please don't go. She pleaded, her face a tragic expression.

"I have too. Look at him Alice. He's feeling my pain and yours at the same time. I must go. I'll call you," I told her as I backed away, my chest heaving with rage and frustration.

I turned and ran, going back to the place in the forest where I last caught scent of Victoria. I needed a release and tracking her would help with that. At my ferocious velocity I was back in the forest and at my previous location in a matter of minutes. I pressed my back against a tree for support. The aching hollow in my chest was compressing my lungs, making it difficult to breathe. I couldn't catch any scent when I wasn't able to breathe properly. I slid slowly down the trunk of the tree and landed in a puddle of muddy water. I didn't care at this point. I closed my eyes to see her, to see the only thing that mattered.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said in the softest voice I could muster.

"Wait!" she choked out.

Anguish swelled in my like a venomous bubble that was growing, extinguishing all other thoughts. I pressed my hand to my chest trying to soothe the ache but nothing helped. The increasing desperation to have her in my arms was consuming me. I felt paralyzed by the pain, trapped in limbo – like my mind was traveling in between embracing the pain and returning to Forks.

I could just go there to check on her…she doesn't even have to know I was there. I tried to convince myself. At my thoughts I immediately felt the self hatred and revulsion brewing inside my already emotional mind. The murky mix of feelings had me tottering on the line of sane and insane. I could feel the hollow place grow wider as the battle inside me ensued. I was rigid as a wax work, silent and unmoving. I was dying, there were no other words to describe the feeling. I tried to concentrate on the happiest moment to help ease the tension – the meadow.

"I don't scare you?" I tried to sound playful, though I was curious.

"No more than usual," she replied playfully.

At her joyous smile that I saw behind my eye lids I slipped away…into the blackness…there was nothing, and I embraced it – hoping it would bring me closer to death.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, bringing me from the blackness. Realizing where I was and why I was here it nearly felt like I had lost her all over again and the pain left angry welts in my hollow insides.

Oh god, I hope he isn't dead. I heard the sound of buttons being pressed on a phone. Damn cell phone, why won't you work. Then I heard a thud as the person lopped it onto the ground.

I looked up into the light to see a short woman with long hair looking around in panic. Her face turned back to me and she gasped.

"Oh! You're okay. I thought you were dead…" I swear he didn't have a pulse.

"I'm fine," I lied.

I stood up and towered over her. She took two hasty steps backwards when she saw me at my full height. Her scent lingered in the air and it was unpleasant, nowhere near the magnitude or appeal of Bella's blood. The monster inside me barely meowed like a kitten at the scent of her pulsing blood.

"Okay. Well, that's good," her eyebrows were raised in disbelief. He sure is handsome.

"Well, thanks," I muttered and walked away from her.

Her thoughts began to stutter as she turned to walk the other direction.

Once I was out of sight of her I began yelling at myself. This was the second time a human has found me when I was engulfed in the blackness that seemed to consume me more and more these days.

I walked no more than at a humans pace through the forest until I reached the end of the wooded area. I looked out over a small town just south of Denali. I saw the many cars passing by quickly on the highway and a small hotel on the other side of it. When there were no cars in sight I leapt across the road and entered into the lobby of the hotel.

"Can I help you?" the blonde girl behind the desk asked without looking up.

"Yes, do you have any rooms available?" I asked serenely.

She looked up from the computer and gaped at me. "Uh…" she stuttered, "Yes, which room would you like?" Damn he is so hot. I wonder how he got so dirty…

I cut off her internal babble. "Just a standard room will be fine."

"You really shouldn't do that to people," Bella interrupted my thoughts in a disapproving tone. "It's hardly fair."

"Do what?"

"Dazzle them like that – she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."

The memory lashed at me, causing my face to distort with pain.

He looks sick. "How many nights?"

"Just one."

After the girl struggled getting my paper work together and handing me my room key I finally entered a simple looking hotel room. I sat down on the bed, looking around at the boring wall paper. There was a light tapping on the door.

It's me. Alice continued to tap on the door with her fingernail.

I got up and opened it. She had my bag in one hand and a cell phone in the other.

I'm not sure of your future – but I know that you won't get far without this. She handed my bag to me and placed the cell phone on the table next to the door.

You're leaving, she stated.

"Yes," I agreed.

You'll keep in touch with me, her golden depths full of concern.

I nodded.

Okay, well…I'll leave you alone. She walked out the door, shutting it quietly. I heard her thoughts as she walked away. I'm counting down the days until I see her again, Edward. It's going to happen.

I growled. I knew she heard it before she sped off towards Denali.

I opened my bag, emptying the contents. I was covered in dirt and I needed to rinse it off so I wouldn't attract unwanted stares. I took a long shower, turning the water on hot, trying to relieve the cold ache I felt since I left Bella. It only worked for a fraction of a second before the cold returned.

While lying on the bed I waited for the onslaught of pain to engulf me. I contemplated the coming days. I didn't have a clue as what to do next. Tracking Victoria was promising, but I had no leads and her scent had been washed from the forest. I sighed and decided not to worry about it right now.

I was rigid as a board as I closed my eyes, letting the mysterious smile of Bella's warm me a little. It seemed we were stretched across two universes. The pain did come, but for some reason my mind didn't fade into the blackness I was hoping for. Instead, my brain was busy working and scheming without my consent. Just go back to her, I thought. You won't have to deal with this pain anymore. I twitched at the thought of bringing the danger back into her life. Selfish.

I sat up swiftly, deciding that laying here wasn't a good idea. My mind was wondering and trying to convince me to do the things I promised I would never do. I grabbed my room key and cell phone then headed toward the door. I opened it and rushed into the parking lot, stopping to decide which direction to go. Back to the forest, I decided.

I remembered hearing the rush of whispers and the sound of movement before I was able to reach them. Maybe…just maybe they will meet there again. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and Alice answered before it even rang.

"I told you," she said smugly about me keeping in touch with her.

"Alice, will you look for Laurent's future. Maybe he is planning on meeting Victoria again."

There was silence on the other end. I was frustrated I couldn't hear her mind through the phone.

"Yes, hum… Laurent is planning on meeting Victoria – tonight," she said gravely.

"Thanks, Alice," and I hung up, not even bothering to ask her where – I knew where.

I broke into a run pushing myself towards the forest at top speeds. Ghostly shadows formed through the leaves on the trees. I swiftly made it through several miles of wooded area before I caught scent of Victoria. Venom filled my mouth at the rage that began pulsing through my body. So this was it, I told myself. The thought of revenge and justice that I would bestow her was oddly satisfying which made me crave it more. Instead of thinking myself a monster I told myself it was for Bella, I was protecting her.

The night sky was looming over the canopy of branches. The air was moving swiftly around me as I flew over the bracken infested ground. Clouds moved across the sky as blackness closed overhead. I was literally writhing with excitement at the prospect of secretly protecting Bella. The silence of the night was bridled by whispers.

I whipped around a set of trees when the whispers stopped – I scanned the darkness. There was a nasty silence as I continued to run full force towards the area I last heard them in. When I rounded a tree Laurent was standing alone in a tiny clearing. Before he could speak I was running towards him, growling.

His thoughts were an incoherent babble. Without pausing to think I flew into the air, arching gracefully like a predator about to attack my prey. He didn't have time to move before my hand was wrapped around his neck. I held him up several inches off the ground and several more feral growls exited my lips.

"What are you doing?" he sounded thunderstruck.

"Where is she?" I demanded.

I began searching his thoughts, probing his mind in as far of a depth as I could go, and there was nothing, just a random thought process – like he was hiding something from me. Another growl came ripping up my throat.

"Where is she going?" There was cold anger in every syllable.

His eyes were wide with terror. He didn't bother to fight back because he could tell that I had nothing to live for and I would kill him.

"Oregon," he choked. "Portland."

A red haze clouded my vision at the thought of her close proximity to Bella. Her life would not end in murder…I was on the war path. There was a rumble of thunder over head as lightning flashed across the night sky.

Author's Notes: Things are about to get real interesting... :)

Thanks to my loyal followers for keeping up with New Moon EPOV. I love all the reviews, so thanks for those.

Thanks to LATA's for her editing skills (when I can actually get her to read it before I post it. ;-)