11. Fire
Recoiling in-the-nick-of-time, a bullet blasted through the window behind me. Fragments of the shattered glass flew everywhere as the guard continued to shoot. Turning towards the window I finally saw my way to escape, made more and more feasible by this guard's idiocy.
I'm an idiot, I thought angrily as my mind whipped around for plausible ideas.
The security guard shot again and again, missing me by centimeters. As each bullet whistled by me, the exertion of force upon the surface was inadvertently making the frame around the bars on the window weaker. Kicking the window with my foot, the bars on the window collapsed under my strength before it divided into parts violently like there was an explosion. The pieces flew out into the night before gravity took hold of the metal and it descended several feet before it collided with the pavement in an alley way, as a clamorous noise radiated back through the window.
One look over my shoulder showed seven more guards, their minds eager for the action, rounding the corner in brisk dynamic movements.
I jumped and fled. Moron, idiot…stupid jackass. What were you thinking? What would Carlisle think…Esme…Rosalie. It was Rosalie's constant insults that continually played around in my mind. After leaving the lighted streets of the strip I began kicking anything I could find. Buildings, cars, trash cans, even a rat. When I was done walking down the street, the devastation was astronomical, it looked like a tornado had blasted through the neighborhood. Shame and guilt assaulted me.
What was my deal? Seriously, could I cause any more trouble? I can't believe how easily she played me, how Victoria was able to lure me into such a trap. It was clever, I had to admit. Cameras, witnesses… But where did she go? Instead of leaving the city – which I should have done promptly after everything that happened – I decided I needed to fix my mess. And what a mess it was.
Instead of cop cars, fire trucks and ambulances surrounding the casino, there was nothing. Like there was no incident that happened in the first place. They sure did keep security tight in that place. Sneaking back in wasn't an option, at least not through the doors. Like an idiot I walked down the alley I had fled to from the window and looked up, to see light flooding out of the gaping hole left in the building from gun shots and the window being broken.
The security guard who fired was telling his buddies tall tales of the events that took place only an hour before.
"He came after me and we wrestled for several minutes before I was able to get my gun and shoot," he was telling his buddies. "He was huge and strong, but I was able to beat him off."
"Sure ya did!" Another guard said in a patronizing tone.
"I swear, that's what happened!" His voice was mingled with fury and alarm.
"Then why did you fire all your shots and miss him completely, and in the process help him escape? Boss man isn't going to be happy about this…"
The guards mind began to panic, realizing his mistake at playing up his role as hero. Deep down, I could understand his logic because I, once, thought I was playing the part of a hero. But I wasn't…I was just putting her life in more danger.
Then I heard footsteps, and through the security guards mind I could see them walking away from the scene. I thought they'd make a bigger deal out of this. Surely someone couldn't get away that easily.
I leaned against the wall of the building, trying to push back the memories of Bella that were starting to assault me again. No matter how hard I tried, there was no distraction from the pain, the searing burn that turned my hard flesh to charcoal. The emptiness was reducing me to useless fragments while I crumbled insensibly to the dirty alley floor. This place reminded me of the time I saved her in Port Angeles. Her determined, yet scared expression as the men began to surround her… I gritted my teeth at the memory. Then I remembered how she guessed my secrets, unlocked my mind with ease.
The unpleasant sensation that continued to occur in varying degrees of severity in my deprived mind reminded me that memories were all I had left now. I would never see her face again.
My body was completely spent of emotion, empty, barren…like the desert I walked out of. No matter how many places I chase Victoria; this fruitless and ineffective attempt would never be able to stop her memory from lashing out at me. Each day, hour, minute, second that passes, the pain…the agony didn't fade. My mental suffering grew exponentially as I continued to endure this new kind of hell. This dirty alley looked a million times better than I felt.
Looking around there were dumpsters that smelt of rotten meat and soured milk. The ground was covered in a thick layer of some vile, foul substance. Grime covered every inch of the contents of this alley where rats scoured through trash. Yes, even this disgusting place with its worthless filth looked better than how I felt.
Sighing, I stood. It was time to move on. Victoria wasn't going to come out of this window, and the one guard standing next to it would be too big of a risk, even for her tricks. The more I burn, the less graceful I seem to become. As I stood I knocked something with my elbow sending a loud echoing sound of metal meeting concrete through the small alley.
What was that? The guard swiveled to find the culprit before he began shouting loudly.
I shot down the alley, running as fast as I could, but I knew as soon as I reached the end of this quiet place that I would have to slow to a human pace. It was only a second from the broken window to the opening of the busy street. It was still early for Vegas and the streets were crowded with rowdy college students and drunk adults stumbling from one casino bar to the next at two in the morning.
Looking behind me I could see the guards from the casino trying to break through the masses. When their minds were preoccupied with the large number of pedestrians I snuck into another casino, rushing through as quickly as a human would to another exit which led to a different street. The throngs of people were beginning to give me a headache as all their thoughts began to attack me like a violent storm, striking me like lightning.
It was time to leave this place. Forget about Victoria and just travel south, try to get as far away from the temptation of Bella as I could. As I thought it, I automatically began walking north. It was instinctive. My body craved her…longed for the sweet red tint of blood that rushes up her cheeks and the luscious smell of her hair as she cuddles up to me when she sleeps. Each second this desire to be near her was becoming a need, a necessity. The thought of her warmth sent butterflies fluttering wildly in my stomach, and then it suddenly filled my empty chest with acid as I realized that she was forever going to sleep and speak her thoughts without me there to watch her and protect her.
Forcing myself to leave her to her future, I turned around, concentrating on my simple assignment as I turned to face south and began picking each foot up with a great pain, each second trying to move myself north all at the same time. As the time passed slowly, I finally arrived outside of sin city and began running towards Lake Mohave. The wooded area around the lake will help protect me from the eventual sun. There, I will inevitably decide what my next move is.
Two days passed as I lay, face up towards the sky, looking through the canopy of branches and wallowing in misery while letting my own guilt eat at me, like piranhas in the wild eating their prey with vicious hunger. I was falling to pieces as my mind thought of how much I wished I was back in Forks. Instead of trying to put myself back together, an impossible feat I might add, I let memories of her overwhelm me as I continued to gaze absently at the starry night sky.
Our wonderful day in the meadow, when I realized the absurdity of it all – how I wanted her, but shouldn't keep her, how I tried to show her the monster I am and how she accepted me without a second thought. I sighed as the thoughts continued to lash out at me, reminding me that I was completely absent of Bella. I choose to sink again into my mind.
"I should have left long ago," I sighed. I was now beginning to think aloud. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."
She pulled me out of my thoughts. "I don't want you to leave," she whimpered, looking at our hands again.
The absence of my heart began to burn and throb in my chest, the charred remains of what use to be a source of light and happiness. Closing my eyes, I let her swim in front of my irises, her smile radiant and dazzling. Another bout of fire ripped through me like electricity – painfully damaging and blistering each frozen cell in my body. Breaking out into dry sobs the light of the strengthening sun began to expand above the horizon, making the sky coppery in color. I was burned completely and utterly to the point of ashes, though my skin still shot gold in the rising sun. I begged for the wind to blow me away – blow me north to Forks – where I belong. Slowly my body seemed to cease functioning as the flame was exhausted due to the lack of things to burn.
Without permission, another memory flashed through my mind. It was a clear picture. I was holding her tightly in my arms as we spun effortlessly around the dance floor, her hand placed resolutely in mine like fire and ice. But this new fire wasn't like her glorious warmth, it was beyond that, to the point of pure torture. It had only been a couple of months, yet all I could think about was going back. Would I eventually crumble? I'd take this pain for as long as I could, if it were to save Bella, I'd walk through fire…which is what it felt like I was doing.
Maybe, instead of going back to her when I couldn't take the pain, I'd go to Volterra. No…no, I couldn't survive in the afterlife without her, either.
Another memory.
"It's not only your company I crave. Never forgetthat. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I realized I had become harsh, and again, I was nervous that I might have hurt her feelings.
Just another reminder of what I am. I warned her, but she still wanted to be close and I let her. It is entirely my fault. Her body was bruised and mangled by another vampire because of me and then Jasper trampled after her because I brought her into a house full of vampires.
And when I thought the fire was to the point of no return, I exploded in agony, my body combusted and began being destroyed with fire as each second I was consumed with remorse and disgrace.
Ring…ring….ring.
As if I was being executed by electrocution the phone shocked me into awareness. Before I looked at the number on the screen, I secretly hoped it was Bella. If it was…would I answer? I looked. My question was pointless because it was Esme. The disappointment only added fuel to the fire.
"Esme," my voice was rough from clenching my teeth tight enough it could cut steel.
"Oh Edward! Please come home. We all miss you greatly and I know how you love the east this time of year…"
I cut her off. "I'm not coming back. Not now. You don't deserve to see me this way," I tried to not let my anguish break through my voice, but the words cracked at the end.
"We all miss you and want you to come back. We are not angry that you left, all we want is for our family to be whole again, and it will never be without you," her voice sounded defeated.
It was hard to hear her like this, to listen to what I've done to them all. Didn't I make it clear to Alice that I wasn't coming back, that this would be the end? Did she see a different future, one that I haven't thought of? Esme waited through the silence as I contemplated what to say back…how to respond.
"Even if I did come back, I wouldn't be whole," I paused. "I miss her," I confessed.
When the words escaped my lips I could hear her soft cry on the other end. "If you miss her, go back to Forks. Claim her! Let her know how you feel."
Before I could reply I could hear Alice in the background. "He's too scared to go back because he lied to her," she said bitterly.
I could hear a few quick intakes of breath in the background. Everyone was there, even Carlisle. "What do you mean?" Carlisle questioned.
"Nosey psychic," I mumbled. I heard a small humpf and I knew she heard me.
"He told her that he didn't love her anymore," Alice answered smugly.
Everyone gasped, and then there was another muted sob on the other end. "Edward…how could you?"
Hearing the disappointment in her only made everything worse. I failed to fulfill the expectations that my family placed in me.
"I was hoping it would help her heal, hoping it would make it easier for her to move on…" my explanation was pitiful.
There was a long pause as I heard Emmett chuckle, "The sexual favors he'll have to do to win her back."
There was a thud. "Idiot," Alice chided. "Emmett!" Esme scolded.
"What?"Emmett sounded baffled.
Esme finally turned the conversation back to me. "Regardless, you need to go back to tell her the truth. How could you do this to her? She loves you more than anything," you could hear the desperate disappointment in her tone.
"I can't," I whispered into the phone.
"Well, come home at least. Please?" Esme pleaded weakly, already accepting failure at her attempts to get me to fix my broken heart.
"I can't," I repeated like a broken record. "I love you all."
There was another low sob on the other end of the line before I clicked the red end button on the phone. My body began to ache with sadness and at the same time felt abnormally vacant.
As the minutes passed by, I felt overcome with grief. I was hurting everyone, Bella, my family and myself. Could I dig myself into a deeper hole? What else was I going to do? Looking back, there wasn't anything I would do different because to think of my life without ever meeting Bella just seemed dull and meaningless.
The phone rang again and I let it go to voicemail, refusing to even look to see who the caller might be. After a few minutes, curiosity got the best of me. Or, more like my hopes of it being Bella got the best of me. Pulling my phone out of my pocket I saw one missed call from Emmett and one voicemail. I listened to the voicemail reluctantly.
"You must spank her!"
I growled. Of course Emmett would be the one to find something funny about my anguish...quoting Monty Python. I was about to press delete when he continued after his loud guffaws subsided. "Listen. I know that you are hurt, and that you love Bella. Trust me, those hunting trips used to be fun until they became 'talk about Bella' trips."
Was he going to get to the point? I heard a loud slap of skin against skin. "Emmett, get to the point," Rosalie commanded.
Rosalie? Why did she care? "Oh…Right. Anyway, Edward. Please come home soon…or go to Forks. Whatever you do, just know that we love you and just want to be there for you. This brooding as far away from all things that matter to you is getting a little ridiculous."
There was another slap. "Ow. Fine…I miss you bro, so does everyone else. Even Rosalie…"
Then there was another smack of skin against skin. "I mean even Jasper misses you."
"I'm staying out of this," I heard Jasper holler from far away.
"Well, please come back. We can get through this together. When you are far away and alone we worry about you, especially Rose…"
This time I heard a crash, a thud, and an angry unintelligible mutter and then a loud guffaw as Emmett wrestled for the phone, it sounded like.
"Edward," Alice spoke this time. "Remember what I showed you. It's inevitable. You should concede now," there was a steely note in her voice. I heard another thud in the background.
"Cheater," Emmett muffled as a low chuckle came from the background before the voicemail cut off.
That was the weirdest voicemail I believe I have ever heard. If the situation was different I'd probably be laughing at the bizarre message.
The sun was finally hidden behind the sandy abyss as I looked at the time. It was a few minutes after seven. Good, dealerships would still be open. It was time to purchase a new vehicle, one that wouldn't remind me of Bella. The darkness around me began to deepen as the minutes ticked by.
When I reached the nearest dealership the huge spot lights which had several hundred flying insects swirling around them like schizophrenic hornets, were all facing the clean cars which made them all glisten dully in the defused light. None of the cars on the lot caught my interest. I wanted something fast and free of memories. The sales people were walking around the lot, some busy helping customers and the other's skirting around me.
I need to keep my eye out on this homeless dude…make sure he doesn't try to steal any cars.
Was I that dirty? I sent him a rueful smile and he stepped backwards. Weird kid.
Walking towards him I saw through the glass of the building the most magnificent car on the lot. A Corvette ZR1. The metallic color shined and winked at me as I came closer. The salesman jumped in front of me before I could walk into the building.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" This is going to be useless. I'm not going to get a single sell out of him.
"Yes," I replied arrogantly, pointing to the silver Corvette behind the glass. "I want that one."
This guy is off his rocker. "Um, yes. It's a beauty…"
I interjected, "Yes. Supercharged V8 with a six speed manual transmission, 638 horsepower with 604 torque…"
"And it costs $110,000," the salesman added before I could continue my list.
"I'll take it," I replied, my eyes not leaving the glass.
Like he has over hundred grand lying around. Please. "Okay, let's go inside and check your credit," he mumbled angrily, his bald head glimmering palely in the night sky. I can't believe I get stuck with the homeless man while everyone else is actually selling cars instead of just talking about them.
"You misunderstand me, I have the money and I want to purchase that car…now," I handed him my credit card.
"Is this a joke?" He hesitated. "Okay – Where's the camera's? Ha-ha, very funny!" I'm going to kill Bob. I know it's him playing this stupid prank on me. I'm not falling for it.
"This isn't a joke. Please set up the paperwork immediately," I was becoming irritated.
He laughed. "Yeah right." This is getting a little annoying.
"Fine, if you won't help me maybe your manager will," I snapped.
I began to walk forward but the salesman put his arm out in front of me to stop me from walking inside. "This joke isn't funny anymore," he mumbled.
"Move your arm, or I'll make you more your arm," I said through gritted teeth. I was suppressing a growl that was threatening to rip up my throat.
Make me move my arm. I'm bigger than this brute…I could easily take him down.
Before I could grab his arm and remove it from his body the manager yelled from between two cars. "What the hell are you doing Kevin? Let the man inside." Why do I always hire idiots as employees?
"But sir, look at him. He's just a homeless man looking to steal something," Kevin said, disgusted.
"Excuse me," this time I couldn't stop the growl that thundered out of my throat. Kevin, the salesman, backed away. What the…
"Let him in, Kevin!" The manager shouted angrily. His mind is like dead air full of fluff.
Kevin removed his arm from in front of me and I opened the door. The manger swiftly followed me after mumbling, "You're fired," to Kevin.
"I'm so sorry, sir. What can I help you with today," he said politely.
"Yes, I want that," I pointed to the Corvette, "car." I handed him my credit card. "The money is all there. Let's get this paper work together."
The manager's mouth opened in surprise but took my card and began with the paper work. Thirty minutes later I drove my new car off the showroom floor, honking and waving at Kevin, the ex-salesman, as I drove by.
Son of a… Kevin cursed in shock as he drew heavy breaths at his idiocy.
The convertible Corvette was considerably faster than the Volvo. Putting the top down I let the cold evening's air rush through my hair as I drove at top speeds down highway ninety-three. My state of awareness was bleak and dull, even though I was in my element. Alternative desires were whipping through my mind – Bella, kill Victoria, Bella, run away and shrivel into a little ball of sadness, Bella – I couldn't decide what to do, but I had a lurking suspicion that my little encounter with Victoria in Vegas wouldn't be my last.
Gotchya! One-hundred and thirty! Best speed in days.
A dreadful blast of realization hit. Select curse words started flying out of my mouth. Because of the constant prattling in my head, I wasn't paying attention to cops. Blue lights flickered behind me, twirling round and round like a disco ball, sending lights reflecting off all of my mirrors. Instead of slowing, I speed up. In his mind he was concentrating on trying to read my license plate. I jammed the gear shift lower, trying to gain ground between us. Because my car was new, the license plate was written out which was making it particularly hard for the officer to read.
Using this against him, I slammed my foot down on the gas pushing the car to one-fifty. Internally I was cursing myself for my stupidity. My constant state of being in a stupor keeps costing me. Everything I do seems to just be another, bigger, mistake. Could things get any worse?
Haven't had a good chase in a while.
Yes…yes, things could get worse. Another cop was speeding towards me, racing right at me, head on. Refusing to move, the cop swerved, did a one-eighty and began chasing after me, too. For some odd reason, I had a superb indifference to my predicament. I slammed the car into fifth gear as the needle throttled up towards red, streaking by the desert like a bullet. Dust filled the air as they pelted along in my wake. The last time I was in this position was to race towards Bella, to save her life. This time I was running away.
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