It was a tradition for the Jareau-Prentiss family to spend Thanksgiving with JJ's side of the family. Every year a different Jareau family hosted and this year it was Sandy's turn, so the celebration was held at JJ's childhood home. JJ had planned to arrive around 3 pm like everyone else but a phone call threw a wrench in those plans.
"Who was it?" Emily asked as soon as her wife had hung up the phone.
"My mother," JJ heaved a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. "She fell on Sunday and broke her wrist."
"Oh no."
"Oh no is right. She needs me to come up early on Thanksgiving to help her make food." JJ groaned. "She said she can get the house cleaned beforehand, but that there's too much food for her to prepare by herself on the day of."
JJ's lament was not lost on Emily. They both had rocky relationships with their mothers and having to spend more time than anticipated with one of them never ended well.
"We're all still driving up together aren't we?"
"That was the plan, but I don't want to make you and the boys get up at 4 am on Thanksgiving so we can drive the five hours to East Allegheny. Especially since you said you have to work the night before."
"We'll be fine." Emily rubbed her wife's arms comfortingly. "Besides, I don't like the idea of you making that trip alone."
"Only if you're sure."
"I'm sure," Emily said with an encouraging smile.
4 am on Thanksgiving morning came before they knew it. None of them were happy to be rising before the sun but they did so anyway. As soon as they strapped themselves into Emily's black SUV, both boys were fast asleep.
The first two hours were dark and quiet, with nothing but the hum of the tires on the road to fill the silence in the vehicle. Emily drove and JJ tried to get in an hour or two of sleep, but she was unsuccessful. She could fall asleep on the jet no problem, but cars were too uncomfortable, what with the absence of space on the seat to curl up and the confining seatbelt that dug into her neck. After about an hour of resting her eyes, she convinced her wife to switch places. No sense in the both of them missing out on sleep because, unlike JJ, Emily could fall asleep anywhere in any position.
Michael's sleep schedule was like clockwork so at 7:30 am on the dot, he woke up. It wasn't long after that Henry was roused by his younger brother "whispering" to his mothers, well as much as an excited four-year-old who was stuck in a car with nothing to do could whisper. The fuel light appeared on the dashboard, so they stopped to refill. Emily pumped the gasoline while JJ herded the boys inside to use the restroom, then it was right back onto the road for the last leg of their trip.
The final two and a half hours flew by as the boys chattered excitedly in the backseat and JJ and Emily listened contentedly. At last, they made it to JJ's childhood home. Her mother, Sandy, came out to greet them, one arm open wide and the other tucked in a black sling.
"Jennifer!" Sandy called out excitedly. JJ climbed out of the passenger seat and shut the door.
"Mom," JJ gently wrapped her arms around her mother, careful not to disturb the injured arm.
"Grammy!" Michael ran full speed into his mother and grandmother's legs, immediately wrapping his little arms around them as best he could.
"Oh Michael, you've grown so big," Sandy remarked, squatting down to her grandson's level.
"Mom." JJ protested, but her mother immediately brushed off her daughter's concern as she listened to Michael's recount of their car ride up.
"Oh my goodness!" Sandy remarked, matching his enthusiasm with over-the-top animation of her own. She tickled his belly playfully with her uninjured hand and was delighted as he squealed with joy. Henry meandered over to stand quietly next to his brother. "Hi Henry!"
"Hi Grammy," Henry replied much more mellow than his younger brother.
"How's soccer going?"
"Good. I scored two points at last Saturday's game." Henry brushed a floppy lock of his blonde hair back from his face and adjusted his glasses.
"Wow! That's impressive."
JJ watched her mother interact with her sons, fighting off the internal conflict warring in her mind, and moved to where her wife was removing the bags from the trunk, glancing over her shoulder as she walked.
"I'll take ours if you grab the boys' bags," JJ muttered distractedly, her gaze still on Sandy and the boys rather than their luggage. She absentmindedly worried the side of her lower lip between her teeth as she watched their interaction from afar.
"Hey," Emily murmured, catching her wife's chin in her hand, and turning her face to make eye contact. She used her thumb to gently free the soft pink lip from its confinement. "Don't torture your poor lips."
"Sorry." JJ apologized sheepishly.
"Are you okay?" Emily asked, concerned. She brushed her thumb along her wife's jaw comfortingly. JJ leaned into the touch and took a deep breath to ground herself.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." JJ forced a tight smile onto her face and moved to grab their bags.
Emily decided not to push but made a mental note to check in with her later on when they were alone. After grabbing the remaining luggage, she pressed the button to close the hatch and saw that her oldest son had appeared next to her.
"Here Momem, I'll take mine." Henry offered, grabbing for the handles of his duffel, and throwing the shoulder strap over his head.
"Thanks, bud," Emily replied, ruffling his hair with her now free hand. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something flash across her mother-in-law's face. It was subtle but, being a profiler, she picked up on it, though she couldn't quite identify what the expression was.
JJ was already crossing the threshold into the house, so Emily patted her son on the shoulder and they both headed inside.
The Jareau-Prentiss family settled into their rooms, Henry and Michael sharing the spare room while Emily and JJ took JJ's childhood room. Once they dropped their bags on their beds, the boys ran back downstairs to the living room to watch the football game on tv. JJ and Emily were not so quick to rush back to visiting with JJ's mom.
"Is it weird?" Emily asked. "Being back here I mean. Staying in your old bedroom?"
"You really think my mother would let me get a hotel room on Thanksgiving?" JJ spat. She sat down on the edge of the bed and let her bag drop to the floor next to it.
"Jayje." Emily breathed.
"Sorry." JJ sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, and closing her eyes. "I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It was uncalled for."
"What's going on? You seem a little off-"
Emily was cut off by a knock on the bedroom doorframe. JJ's eyes flew open.
"Jennifer, could you help me in the kitchen? Your aunts and uncles are coming at three and there's still a lot to do. It wouldn't normally be an issue but…" Sandy gestured at her sling with her eyes.
"Sure, Mom," JJ replied tiredly, a clearly fake smile pressed onto her face again.
Emily was aware there was tension between her wife and mother-in-law, but JJ had never disclosed why, aside from the story of Roslyn's death and some sort of "falling out" between the two. There seemed to be more to the story. Now was not the time to push for information, though.
JJ crossed the room and followed her mother out, shooting Emily a look that promised an explanation later. Emily spent a few more minutes in the room, then headed downstairs to the kitchen. In the five minutes she had left JJ alone with Sandy, the two had managed to provoke each other enough for them to be giving each other the silent treatment.
"Can I help, Mrs. Jareau?" Emily asked, using the uncharacteristically peppy tone she used on her own mother in social situations.
"Sandy is just fine dear, and I think Jennifer and I have things covered in here," Sandy replied, returning the sickly-sweet tone.
"Mom, I've asked you to stop calling me that," JJ warned, dangerously close to snapping again. "Everyone calls me JJ."
"I named you Jennifer, not JJ. I don't know why you insist on making a fuss." Sandy griped, her expression turning sour.
"You're the one making a fuss. I simply asked you to respect my request to call me JJ."
JJ set down the knife she was using to cut the tops off strawberries, releasing a long slow breath from her puffed-out cheeks as she did. It was a method she used to keep calm when she was thoroughly frustrated.
"I've called you Jennifer all your life because that's what I named you." Sandy hissed, careful not to raise her voice enough that the boys would be able to hear from the living room. "Why should I call you something different now? You've never had a problem with it before."
"Decency, Mom. It's common decency. And I did have a problem with it before. I told you I wanted to be called JJ after-" JJ stopped, the rest of her sentence hanging in the air like a heavy fog. After Roslyn died. "I told you when I was 12 and you didn't listen."
The room went quiet again. Sandy huffed and turned around to resume her preparation of the turkey, also going back to ignoring her daughter. JJ stared up at the ceiling for a moment, her arms folded tightly across her chest, then released a heavy breath of her own and returned her focus to cutting fruit. Emily could see tears that had formed in her wife's eyes but were held back if only by sheer determination. The interaction she had just witnessed between her wife and mother-in-law broke her heart.
She knew it wasn't her place, but Emily wished she could make Sandy listen, make her see how much she was hurting her daughter. It was in times like these that Emily hated being a profiler because she had noticed the similarities between the two Jareau women, and not all of them were good. Many of JJ's mannerisms, her behaviors, her bad habits even had either been inherited from her mother or traits she learned because of living with her mother. Deciding her presence in the kitchen was useless, Emily headed to the living room to watch the football game with her sons.
Sandy and her daughter continued preparing food in the kitchen, keeping both verbal and physical distance between themselves. The tension was palpable as both women held onto their anger and frustration. JJ's mind was drifting as she moved on to cutting apples. She jolted back to reality as her thumb erupted in stinging pain.
"Shit." JJ cursed under her breath.
Blood ran down her finger from where the knife had torn open her skin. The cut looked to be about an inch long, running diagonally across the second knuckle of her left thumb, but JJ couldn't tell how deep it was. She quickly strode over to the sink and stuck the wound under a stream of cold water, hissing as the blood and fruit juices washed off her hand. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw her mother was engrossed in stuffing the turkey.
"Mom, can you grab me a Band-Aid? I cut myself." JJ asked over the rush of the faucet. Sandy didn't acknowledge her request. "Mom… Mom!"
Still nothing, not a "you need to be more careful with knives" or even a "get one yourself". Tears welled up in JJ's eyes as a memory from her past surfaced, she was begging her mom to talk to her, to say something. Don't you dare start crying. JJ blinked hard, clearing her mind. She pulled her hand out of the water to pinch around the wound, watching the blood bubble up quickly, so she stuck her hand back under, repeating the process until it had mostly stopped bleeding. Shutting off the water, JJ reached into a drawer next to the sink with her other hand to grab a towel and dry the wound. She grabbed the knife, rinsed it off, then left it in the sink.
"Excuse me," JJ mumbled, reaching around her mother to check the cabinet next to the stove for the old leftovers container that held the first aid supplies. Sandy shuffled slightly to the side, giving JJ barely enough room to remove the container from the shelf without hitting her mother in the head with it in the process. JJ took it over to an empty section of the counter, away from the food, and opened it to find not a single bandaid.
"Great," JJ grumbled. She grabbed some gauze to place over the cut, then haphazardly wrapped medical tape around it. Good enough.
She snapped the lid back on the container and left it on the counter to put away later. She then picked out another knife from the utensil drawer. Thankfully she had been cutting the apple on a cutting board instead of directly over the bowl, which would have ruined the entire fruit salad. JJ pitched the soiled fruit and grabbed a fresh apple from the refrigerator.
"Jennifer!" Sandy exclaimed suddenly. JJ turned to see her mother look from the sink to her. She looked pissed and JJ froze. "How many times have I told you not to leave knives in the sink? I could have cut myself. What made you think that was a good idea? Even a child knows better than to do such a thing. Are you trying to provoke me? Is that what this is?"
"No." JJ whimpered, looking to the floor. She could hear the boys and Emily cheering in the living room. The Steelers must have scored. Please don't let them come in here.
"Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Sandy demanded in a low voice. JJ's head immediately snapped up. "You're mad that I won't call you by some stupid nickname and now you're retaliating like a child. That kind of behavior is simply unacceptable, so you need to fix your attitude right now. I'm so disappointed in you, honestly, I raised you better than this."
Sandy huffed and turned back to the sink, leaving JJ standing frozen facing her mother. Suddenly she was twelve years old again. Her father was gone, her sister, dead. Sandy had screamed at her for an hour one day, yelling that she was acting like a child, that she was the reason her sister had killed herself and her father had left them. Vivid images flashed, like snapshots in her head. Her ears rang with the memory of her mother's raised voice. It was only with the memory of the vase Sandy had thrown at her crashing against the wall that JJ flinched, managing to pull herself back to the present. Shake it off, you're fine. JJ straightened up and went back to work finishing the fruit salad.
Promptly at 3 pm, JJ's extended family started arriving and by 3:30 pm everyone was there. The small house was bursting at the seams, the noise level nearly deafening. Punctuality and a love for talking ran in the family, that's for sure. Emily thought back to her first Thanksgiving at the Jareau's which had been a whirlwind of an experience. There were varying degrees of acceptance across the clan for her relationship with JJ. All of the cousins were over the moon to see JJ happy, some of the aunts and uncles too. Some loosely disguised their disapproval, while still others straight up told her to her face that she was going to Hell. Emily had gotten used to the noise and the tension in JJ's family.
"I'm so glad you decided to come." One of JJ's cousins, Cassidy, was saying. "I know some of our aunts and uncles can be real assholes at times."
"Unfortunately, it's nothing I don't already deal with on my side of the family," Emily stated, pressing her lips into a thin line.
"I'm sorry you've had to deal with that," Cassidy said genuinely. "Listen, I would love to continue this conversation, but I think I just saw my son going for a turkey leg the size of his arm, so I've gotta go be "mom" and intervene before he gets too ambitious and tries to sneak a slice a pie while he's at it."
"Oh no." Emily chuckled, understanding all too well as the mother of two young boys herself. "Life as a mother of boys."
"Exactly," Cassidy called over her shoulder with a laugh, taking long strides now to intercept her son.
Emily had lost sight of her wife and kids a while ago and now wondered what they were up to. She glanced outside through the glass sliding doors as she passed by, smiling to herself at the sight of Henry, Michael, and some of the other kids playing Monkey in the Middle by the illumination of the outdoor floodlights. She was glad they were enjoying themselves.
Emily continued into the kitchen and scanned the crowded room, her eyes almost immediately landing on the gorgeous blonde she adored who was pulling a casserole out of the oven. The smile on Emily's face dropped as she saw how tired JJ looked, the way she wiped her brow with her forearm. Emily picked up her pace, weaving her way around the guests between her and her wife. JJ was a master at masking her emotion, one of the reasons she had made such a good agent for the BAU, why she was so good with victims and their families. So for exhaustion to show up clear as day on the blonde's face was a telling sign that she was pushing past her limits.
Emily finally made it to her wife's side and realized JJ was in far worse shape than she thought. Sweat was pouring down her beet-red face the way it did when she got home from one of her longer runs. Her brows were pinched together, and her jaw was clenched tightly.
"JJ," Emily called, shouting over the noise, and placing her hand on JJ's shoulder to catch her attention.
JJ flinched and turned quickly, relaxing only slightly when she realized who had approached. Emily moved to slip her hand into JJ's but stopped when she saw the blonde scratching her thumbnails roughly across the pads of her index fingers. She shifted her gaze back to JJ's face to register the unfocused look in eyes that were more grey than blue at the moment.
"Jayje, are you alright?"
JJ didn't answer, only continued to stare straight ahead. An unsettling feeling was blooming in Emily's stomach. She gently pressed her fingers against JJ's wrist to find clammy skin and a racing pulse.
"Let's get you some fresh air," Emily said, slipping her hand into her wife's and lightly smoothing a finger across the back of JJ's sweaty hand.
Emily guided them back through the sea of people, keeping JJ close to her as they headed for the front door. By some miracle, they managed to make it outside without being stopped by any family members trying to start a conversation.
The air that night was crisp, almost nippy, a stark contrast to the almost oppressive heat they had been wading through inside. JJ leaned into Emily's side for support as her wife led them down to the sidewalk, heading away from all the noise and lights. Emily could feel the stiffness in JJ's body slowly begin to ease the farther away they moved from the house. Once it was completely gone from view and they could no longer hear anything but the gentle breeze moving through the trees, Emily slowed her strides to a snail's pace.
"Mon merle." She whispered into the quiet.
My blackbird. It was a sacred endearment, one they only used when one of them was in a vulnerable state, a reassurance that they were safe.
She let silence settle around them again as they walked. A few minutes later they reached the park where JJ used to spend many hours playing, especially during the summer. Emily smiled at the thought of the memories her wife had shared with her early on in their relationship. The park was empty, so Emily found a bench and guided them over to it to sit down.
"Tu vas bien, mon amour?" Emily asked delicately. Are you okay, my love?
"Oui." JJ croaked, barely loud enough for Emily to hear.
"Très bien." Emily praised gently. She reached up to tuck a strand of golden hair behind JJ's ear. Very good. Despite her physical and mental state, JJ looked stunning in the moonlight. Her hair shone, and her face gleamed with a thin layer of sweat. "Tu es magnifique." You look gorgeous.
"Hardly," JJ mumbled, her face still void of all emotion.
"Oui vous avez, ma biche." Emily smiled tenderly. Yes, you are, my doe.
"Wait, did you just call me your bitch?" JJ asked, confused, and caught off guard by that last word. Her knowledge of the French language was minimal, mostly just words and phrases Emily used frequently.
"Ma biche," Emily repeated, stressing the French pronunciation. "It means my doe."
"Oh."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
JJ was getting defensive, a clear sign she was bottling up whatever it was that was bothering her. As much as Emily didn't want to push JJ into talking before she was ready and potentially make things worse, she knew JJ needed to talk.
"You seem uncomfortable being back here," Emily said tentatively, deciding to supply her observations rather than ask more questions.
"Do I?" JJ said, flatly.
She wasn't yet ready to be vulnerable but if Emily guessed correctly she wouldn't deny the truth. It was a coping mechanism, one which she had worked hard to improve upon. She used to shut down and refuse to open up to anyone, a learned behavior from her childhood.
"I noticed how distracted you got when we got here like you were worried about how your mom might interact with the boys." Emily started, doing her best to keep her tone light and nonjudgmental. "I also know that East Allegheny holds a lot of memories, many of them painful and maybe even triggering."
Emily watched the internal conflict play across her wife's face as she resisted the urge to let go of her composure, to allow herself to fall apart. For JJ there was a lot at stake. Her pride, her self-esteem, her secrets. It was hard to let someone in, even if it was her wife whom she trusted more than anyone else in the world, but if she kept it all to herself she might make herself go clinically insane. JJ was all too self-aware when it came to the darkness contained in her mind.
"It- it's too much Emily," JJ confessed slowly, letting her exhaustion bleed through her defenses. Emily stayed quiet, letting JJ test the waters and disclose whatever she felt comfortable with. "There's too much for me to process and I'm too tired to try and explain. Not just physically tired, but mentally and emotionally empty. Sometimes I forget why I left East Allegheny in the first place."
JJ exhaled sharply through her nose and pressed her lips into a tight smile, trying to form some semblance of a buffer for the thoughts and emotions that threatened to break free. She felt like a boat with a hole that someone had slapped a piece of duct tape on top of. It was a temporary fix, but eventually, the water weakens the adhesion, and one of two things happens: either the water trickles in through the weaker spot, or the tape comes off completely and the water starts pouring in.
"There are a lot of reasons really, but-" JJ stopped to take a few calming breaths before continuing. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. "I mean, my family is definitely one of the main reasons."
JJ didn't have to name names for Emily to understand she meant her mother. Emily rubbed her wife's back soothingly and gave a reassuring nod for her to continue.
"You know, my mom wouldn't let anyone else but me help in the kitchen today." JJ's throat tightened and she hated the feeling of it. "My uncle Randy and aunt Marge both offered, they told her it was no trouble at all, but she insisted that I was fine."
"But you weren't fine," Emily stated softly.
"No!" JJ snapped in a sudden burst of anger. She balled her fists and let a hiss of air escape through her gritted teeth. "I wasn't- I'm not fine."
Without warning, the tears she had been holding back all day sprung past their barrier like a fountain being turned on for the first time. A harsh sob broke free of her throat and made her entire body shake.
"I can't make them stop. Emily, please make them stop." JJ pleaded, furiously swiping at the streaming tears. "Goddammit."
Emily got up from the bench and crouched down in front of her wife, then grabbed her hands, holding them tightly. She waited until she had JJ's eye contact and attention.
"It's okay to cry, my love. You don't have to be strong all of the time. I know that's hard for you to accept, but even the strongest, toughest, most put-together people cry sometimes. Crying does not mean you are weak, it means you're human."
"But I hate it. I hate that I can't control my emotions." JJ cried angrily. "I hate that all of this gets to me."
"What else do you hate?"
"I hate- I hate that I can't be normal and have a normal family."
"Good, keep going." Emily encouraged, moving back to her seat on the bench, still holding tightly to JJ's hands.
"I hate being back here, all the memories it brings up. I hate that I got so overwhelmed that I couldn't even talk when I have never had an issue in any social situation before." With each new thing she thought of, JJ became more frustrated, the anger and pain spilling out unrestrained. "I hate thinking about all the years I've had to live without my sister. I hate that it still hurts. I hate feeling so angry that I can't even breathe. I hate having to put up with my mother's silent treatment. I hate my dad for leaving us, for leaving me with her. I hate that I was never enough and will never be enough for her. Why am I not enough for h-her?"
At that, JJ collapsed against Emily in another wave of heart-wrenching sobs, unable to contain the emotions that lived closest to her heart. Her walls of protection had crumbled away entirely leaving her pain and trauma fully exposed. In the moonlight, JJ looked so small and fragile. Emily let go of her wife's hands to wrap her arms around her shaking shoulders. Emily rubbed one hand up and down JJ's back while the other carded gently through her long blonde hair.
"You are enough Jennifer Jareau. You have always been and will always be enough, even if she is too blind to see it."
"I brought this all on myself."
"Woah now." Emily realized JJ's mind must be working overtime to make sense of the way her mother treated her, and her insecurity was rearing its ugly head. "You do not deserve the way she treated you today or any other day that she has disrespected you or treated you unfairly. Sweetheart, no one deserve the silent treatment, no one deserves to be ignored just because their parent decides to act more like a child than an adult."
Emily wanted to say so much more, but she didn't trust herself not to let her hate for Sandy Jareau taint her words. Right now, JJ needed reassurance that she didn't have to pretend she was okay all the time, that she was allowed to express her emotions, that there were people who loved her without any strings attached.
"But I'm just like her Em!" JJ shrieked into the dark, sounding absolutely terrified by her own words. "I'm just as bad as she is."
JJ twisted out of her wife's hold and stood up to pace in front of the bench. The fight or flight instinct had gotten tripped, her walls immediately going back up. She buried her fingers in her blonde hair at the roots, grasping and tugging harshly at it. Emily felt her heart squeeze at the brokenness in her wife's voice and actions. It wasn't until now that she realized just how much damage Sandy Jareau had done to her daughter, and that made her blood boil with rage. She got up and stood in front of JJ, struggling to know what to do next.
"Jayje, what your mother did to you is not your fault." Emily murmured, reaching hesitantly for her wife's hands. JJ tried to step backward, but Emily caught her wrists.
"Let go." JJ growled, trying to pull away.
"Mon merle, I know that having to feel your emotions is uncomfortable, but I can't let you hurt yourself in the process."
"I don't care, just let go."
"No, I know you're angry and hurting, and right now you aren't thinking clearly. I've got you." Emily felt the muscles in JJ's forearms slowly relax under her hands. "There you go. I've got you. I won't let her hurt you again."
JJ finally let go of her hair and let Emily pull her hands to her lips and shower them in soft kisses. She shivered at the delicate touch.
"I'm sorry." JJ whispered, her words thoroughly soaked in guilt and shame.
"Ne t'excuse pas." Emily hummed. Don't apologize. "Rien de tout ça n'est de ta faute. None of this is your fault."
"Merci, Emily."
"Bien sûr, mon merle." Of course, my blackbird.
"Mon merle." JJ repeated quietly, stepping into her wife's embrace, and burying her face in her chest.
The last of JJ's energy slipped away with her pain and anger, leaving her struggling to stay on her feet. The air had cooled her off so much that she now felt the wind stinging at her uncovered skin. She shivered in Emily's arms.
"Let's get you back before you freeze to death.
JJ smiled softly, letting go of Emily and starting back to the house. Emily pulled JJ into her side as they walked back and rubbed her arm to keep her as warm as possible, as neither one of them had brought a coat. It wasn't long before they could see the lights from the house glowing in the darkness of the night, and they slowed their strides to enjoy the peace for just a little longer, even if they were freezing.
Emily leaned over and placed a long, tender kiss on the crown of JJ's head. Inside, she was burning with anger for her mother-in-law. Hurting someone Emily loved was a declaration of war. In the quiet of the night Emily made an unspoken promise, a silent vow. Never again will I let her treat you like that. Never again, mon merle. You have my word.