14. Messages (part II)
The quilted blanket was laid out across the grass as the flowers tumbled around in the light breeze around us. Though my cooking skills were not that great, Alice helped me make a simple meal to bring out today for Bella.
She had eaten the food and was now lying with me, enjoying our meadow.
"Edward?" said a musical voice I loved deeply.
"Mmmm?" I replied, my eyes closed as I was basking in the sun.
A cloud must have come over the bright golden glow because it was suddenly darker behind my lids. I opened my eyes to see her deep depths looking over my face.
"You're like marble," said just a whisper of her voice. Her hand lightly trailed my face. "I love you," she kissed my cheek lightly.
"And I, you." I tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. She sighed and laid her head against my chest, tucked gently under my arm. My eyes closed again.
"It's too sunny, Alice," argued a low male voice. "We need to wait until the sun goes down before we can go Christmas shopping."
I opened my eyes to find my heart missing, the gaping hole throbbing more than before because it was only Jasper and Alice sitting at the table not far from me.
I had lost track of the conversation as I sat on the couch.
"I can be careful," Alice argued. I'm never going to get all of my shopping done at this rate.
To the right of her was Carlisle whose eyes were following me with a sad passivity. In his thoughts I could feel the tug of pity that was weighing him down.
The couch depressed next to me and it was Esme sitting beside me, her smile as bright as a thousand watt light bulb. Her arms reached out expectantly.
"Oh Edward," she sighed. We hugged, and she refused to let go for almost a minute. "Please don't ever do that again. We are here for you, always."
Her face was lovely and her hair wrapped around her face making her look like a painting done in pastels. She was beautiful, and loved me unconditionally.
I realized everyone was looking at me expectantly and that I had to say something to pick up the gathering silence.
"I know I haven't been pleasant."
Someone snorted and my eyes roamed for the culprit. Rosalie was in the doorway. I could see the thoughts crowding behind her eyes. They weren't pleasant. What was worse about her thoughts were that she wasn't shouting insults, she was only thinking of the last several months of watching Emmett, Carlisle and Esme struggle with my absence.
Emmett ran in behind her, completely ignoring the serious situation in the room and bounded up on the couch and brought me into a bear hug.
"We are going to have so much fun!" He tightened his arms around me. His strength was so much that my arms never got around him. I was trapped.
"Emmett," I struggled. "Um, it's great to see you too but could you…um, let go?"
Comprehension dawned in his mind. "Oh! Yeah. Of course." His arms dropped. Everyone started chuckling at the situation.
The years of controlling my face came to my rescue because I was the only one not amused by the situation.
Alice was absolutely right. I had to tell my family that I was leaving, that I was sorry for everything I have done to hurt them. But, I didn't have to disappoint my father. I didn't have to cause my mother anymore stress or pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother very much. And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable. Really.
It was Christmas after all. The time of the season to forgive, to love…I didn't deserve their love nor their forgiveness. I had been a horrible son, an awful brother and it was killing me that I was going to have to bring them more pain. No matter how inexcusable it is, I must, for myself. I felt a new burn through my body—the burn of shame.
Living in my shell of guilt was tiring, and it just cracked. It was time to have a family meeting. It was time to break their hearts. Explain so they would understand, maybe lessen the blow somehow.
Like a marquee was scrolling the words above my head I could hear it in their thoughts, the fact that bad stuff was coming into the conversation like blinking letters above my head. Everyone settled around the open room. Alice and Jasper perched on bar stools at the kitchen bar, Esme sitting next to me, Carlisle across from me in a lazy boy, back straight but leaning toward me slightly and Rosalie and Emmett to my left in the love seat.
I absorbed the scene in front of me, all their attentions focused on my new betrayal. I was collecting my thoughts and everyone was wisely not saying anything. Rosalie only raised an eyebrow in an irritating and superior way.
"I left," I started slowly, still gathering my thoughts. Esme grabbed my hand tentatively. "…because if I could just abstain from her, which was obviously impossible for me, then I would have to leave her so that I would not – could not– execute my original plans to kill her."
The memories of her birthday thundered through me.
The blood was dripping down her arm in the most delicious way. The monster was writhing and gnashing his teeth in frustration, but I was too busy protecting her from another monster. The one that is now being taken away. Hold your breath, I told myself. Still, it was too late. I wanted her, and not as my mate, but as my meal.
I shuddered and Esme squeezed my hand. "And all I wanted to do was at least try to keep her alive." I continued. "You know, make a good choice. I just wanted to be what you," I looked at Carlisle, "always thought I was. Not this monster I have turned into."
"Edward," Carlisle shook his head sadly. "You are more than the man I thought you were. You did make good choices. She didn't die, you didn't kill her," he sighed. "You didn't have to leave. I always thought great things about you."
Again, the night I decided to leave her flashed into my head.
Her teeth were clenched together as she realized the depth of her cut. She was oblivious to the monster within. When her glance raised to mine her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in my ferocious, inhuman glare. The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the room as my throat burst into flames.
The monster within me glared back from the mirror of her eyes, a mask of evil. As I struggled with the situation presented in front of me the monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to kill her.
"Regardless," I pushed that night from my mind. "I made my choice. Her life for my happiness. A trade."
…mister inner conflict… Alice sighed softly. She saw it then, my resolve wavering for a second. Another choice spun my future in a more nebulous direction. You wouldn't!
I knew what she saw. I was nearly at the end of my emotional endurance.
Jasper felt her flutter of alarm and narrowed his eyes at us.
"You're right," I answered Alice. "I've left because even if I think about her blood, I want to take it from her, drink from her."
…but you don't. You control it. Even when she was in danger you're future never shifted towards her death. She was angry again. Her thoughts so cold I thought the temperature lowered several degrees in the room and any second I expected icicles to form on the walls.
"That's because you were busy watching Jasper's future in minute detail," I explained, just as icily. "I saw it unfold before me. I would have…"
"Can we please talk out loud?" Emmett said, exasperated.
"Emmett," Rosalie hit him in the chest. "Edward struggles to not kill Bella by drinking her blood but Alice is obviously arguing that fact but he is saying that she doesn't know because she was busy looking towards Jaspers future… Caught up now?"
Emmett nodded.
"Please, continue," Carlisle prompted.
...but I always thought you'd do the right thing. I never imagined what you would consider right was leaving. I loved her, too. I still love her. I miss her nearly as much as I miss you when you're gone.
Jasper grabbed Alice's hand. He would feel her emotions starting to heighten.
"This isn't your fault, Edward," Jasper jumped in. "I have no self control." …I just really wanted her blood, and I'm sorry for that. I was in a blood thirsty craze. "You shouldn't have left based on my lack of control…" he was silent for several long seconds as he collected his thoughts. "It really was a terrible idea for you to chase after Victoria. Laurent warned us of her cleverness. Apparently he told Irina some things about her. She seems to have a way to evade people."
Tell me about it, I thought.
"You easily followed her into that trap in the forest. That army would have killed you. Made you an example for the other vampires. A warning. I know how these covens work. It's amazing you convinced them to let you go. You'll have to tell me that story in detail sometime," Jasper mused.
But why would he choose to hunt Victoria instead of spending time with his family? Esme thought silently. She noticed I was staring at her and frowned. "Sorry."
"No. Please don't say sorry. Esme, it's got nothing to do with choosing between my family and Victoria. You see, when I left, I didn't know where I was going. Heck, I ran all the way to the south and didn't realize where I was for days. All I remembered thinking was 'where would I go?' because I couldn't honestly think of one place on this entire planet that held any interest for me except Forks." I sighed heavily. "There was nothing I wanted to do or see. I was so hurt. If Alice hadn't found me I probably would have swam to the bottom of the ocean and perished."
Carlisle looked disapproving, but his thoughts were just relieved that they were able to find me before I did something as catastrophic as that.
"It felt good to be back with my family, but at the same time I feel worse for making you guys feel pain. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that it is easier for me to not witness the torture I bring upon you. And then, witnessing it first hand through Jasper, it was horrible. I just couldn't keep hurting you all."
"That's no reason to run," Carlisle said.
"But it was you who told me there was no shame in leaving. In protecting Bella before," I reminded him.
"You take it out of context," he shook his head. "It was before you knew Bella, before you loved Bella. Before she was a part of our family," he pulled at his collar some, a little worried that he was jumping into deeper water than he should. "And of course, I told you that we'll come with you, if that is what you needed and that all you had to do was ask," he explained. "And honestly, it was before we all loved Bella."
I flinched at his words. Another reminder of how this hurt them all, it wasn't just a small decision of my leaving, it was me asking them to leave her, too. Maybe I was choosing all the wrong decisions. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now. I knew I could trust his advice, no matter how conflicted I felt inside.
"Edward," Esme patted my hand after a minute of silence. "I still don't understand where Victoria comes into the picture?"
"Yes, when did you come across her?" Carlisle asked curiously.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I figured Alice had filled you all in."
Alice shook her head. If you remember, I can't see her future clearly. It's like a strobe light, it constantly changes so much.
"In Alaska Alice and I came across her scent," I began.
Emmett interjected. "What? And you didn't come and get me?"
"No. Sorry. I know how you love a fight," I smiled gently at Emmett's frown. "Anyways, I tracked her scent but was unable to find her. I also came across Laurent's scent that was fresh."
"But Laurent left before we arrived," Rosalie disagreed.
"I know," I sighed. "But that evening I finally tracked down Laurent. He had been communicating with Victoria for some time, apparently. His eyes were red. He had been cheating all along. He didn't care for our life style. He was just a coward. He led me to Portland."
"Portland?" Jasper queried. "So she was far away. Why go after her?"
"You don't understand. She was going to be so close to Bella. Possibly running through Washington. It would only be too easy for her to make a stop in Forks. Finish what James started. I couldn't let that happen."
"What the hell, Edward!" Emmett shot off the couch like a rocket. "Why the hell didn't you tell me? I would have gone with you!"
"And where does Rosalie fit into that picture?" I asked, eyebrows raised.
He looked over his shoulder and down at Rosalie who gave him a smug expression. I would have asked him to stay…Edward's right.
"Oh, right." Emmett returned to his seat.
"So how did you end up here?" Carlisle asked.
I plunged immediately into the story. After an hour, I had explained to them all everything that had happened. From the trip to Portland, to the train incident, and my journey to Las Vegas, down to Arizona and now here.
"Well," Carlisle began after I was finished. "This is easy enough to understand, though, really; after living as long as you have with the same things going on every day and night, any change like this becomes a point of absorption."
I looked at my family before me. For the love they held for me, knowing that they would do anything for me and it was hard to tell them that I had to let them go now. That this would be the end. Maybe, maybe a lie would suffice. It would keep them happy, relatively happy until I was no longer here. They would become accustomed to my presence missing, and would be able to kill the murderous vampire who helped put my Bella in the hospital.
I really should stop thinking about her as my Bella. Because she isn't mine anymore. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I want to go back and be with her I can't.
"I'm going to finish what I started," I informed them all. "And then I'll come back. I just need to do this. It will help me," I was begging for their approval.
"…because you will feel like you are still protecting her," Alice finished my sentence. Finally speaking aloud for everyone.
"But Christmas…" Esme started.
"I'll stay. But then I'm leaving."
Her hand was still on mine and she squeezed it again. Her face showed a fierce approval at my words. This cheered her quite a bit, and I knew instantly that with my lie; that I would see them again would work, at least for some time. Of course, Alice will eventually see it. But like she said before, she isn't going to tell them. That will be my job. But until then, this will do.
Alice hopped off the bar stool. "Well," she announced. "It's finally dark out. Us ladies," she pointed at Rosalie and Esme and herself just in case we didn't know, "are going to go shopping."
…and Edward? I blinked to let her know I was listening. We will go back. This whole cat and mouse game your playing…it's not going to help or work. I'll play along for a little bit, but we are all going back to Forks, I know. I can see it. I see it every day. She was thoroughly discomposed, and of course, annoyed.
She strode past me, a little haughty.
After the short goodbyes I could hear the car rocketing down the driveway. Alice must be driving. I was left hanging with the men of the house.
Jasper's mind was strictly on the different animals that had the potential to make a more entertaining prey. Emmett's mind wasn't far off and it was only a matter of minutes until they were talking excitedly about the opportunities.
"Well," Emmett gave me a hopeful look. "Are you coming with us? I mean seriously, your eyes look like dirty oil. When was the last time you have eaten?"
I shrugged. "I'm not thirsty. Go ahead."
"Carlisle?" Jasper invited.
"No thanks," he shook his head. "I think I'll stay here with Edward."
We both watched as Jasper and Emmett wrestled the whole way out the door. Carlisle had a slight smile on his face until he turned back to me and it faded.
No offense, but you look terrible.
"I know."
I know you say you aren't thirsty, but we could still go enjoy a run through the woods, right?
"Yeah. About that," I stared at him, worried about my proposition. "Victoria has been very…flamboyant."
I don't understand?
"And," I continued without pause, "she hasn't been destroying evidence very well, if you get my drift."
Oh.
"Yeah," I nodded as he finally comprehended my words. I grabbed my backpack and showed him the newspapers I have collected around the many small towns in New Mexico. All of them off the interstate.
"I know how you feel about not killing, even someone like Victoria…but she has to be stopped. She's become gluttonous. And, I think it's my fault."
You're fault? Again, son, I don't understand. Carlisle contemplated what I was trying to say. Oh, you mean she is doing this to get your attention?
I nodded.
Okay. Where should we start? Carlisle was warring with his instincts. He was humoring me. He didn't honestly think we'd run into her.
"Alice told Jasper about a national forest not far from here last time I talked to him on the phone. I think she saw me there. We should start there."
Author's Note: Well, this chapter I almost did in three parts because there was still so much that I wanted to add. Instead, I am pushing things into the next chapter. So, looks like we will have more chapters then I had anticipated. I don't think that bother's the readers...right? If any of you remember the preview for Chapter 14, there was suppose to be a lot more, but I just couldn't fit it all in without it getting extremely long.
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