15. Christmas

It was almost like the old days; when taking a run with Carlisle meant he could give me some sort of inspirational talk about life and meaning. Something of the sort, at least. The undercurrent between us was the only thing making this run different from any other.

There haven't been many missions where we searched out another vampire to kill, but since Bella came into our lives, this would be the second time. Carlisle didn't enjoy this run, he didn't enjoy this hunt. But, he knew I was right. Victoria was killing viciously and recklessly. Something we couldn't tolerate.

Are you sure this is where she is going? Carlisle thought as we rounded a boulder the size of a small boat.

"Yes. Her scent drifted close only moments before." I said, my feet barely touching the ground as I raced forward. "I can't believe I let it get this bad. You know, I feel like I'm having to clean up my own mess more than anything."

Carlisle slowed some. Did you leave a string of murder victims along these small towns?

"No."

I didn't think so. That isn't something you would do. You're a good man. You just need to believe it.

"Okay. But these murders, I am pretty sure, are my fault. It's like she's leaving bread crumbs to her evil lair," I said, absolutely serious. Carlisle didn't even make a coherent thought; he stopped and bent over with laughter. I didn't think it was very funny, myself.

A thought drifted into my head. This place was completely devoid of humans, so it was obvious when I came near a working brain. I put my fingers to my lips to indicate silence. "It's Victoria," I mouthed.

He nodded. How far?

I held up two fingers.

Miles?

I nodded. I knew if we moved closer, she would hear and the last thing I wanted was to spook her. Carlisle watched me intently, waiting for some sort of signal. I tapped my temple knowingly. He nodded. Listening in for clues?

I closed my eyes. Carlisle kept his mind as silent as he could.

"I don't have time for this right now!" Victoria was screaming at someone. She was on the phone.

"Maybe you should keep your minion under control!" A male voice shouted back. I couldn't tell who she was talking to. Her thoughts were clouding the person on the other line and she wasn't thinking of him. She was busy planning something, but that was hazy too.

"It's only been six months! You're nowhere near humans, so what is the big deal?" Victoria asked angrily.

"He won't stop talking about you. It's getting rather annoying. I'm not a babysitter, Victoria. You need to get your act together, quit playing games…and come back!" The male voice said bitterly.

"Put him on the phone!" she demanded.

"Victoria…are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Are you arguing with me? Put Riley on the phone!"

"Okay – okay!"

Carlisle was staring at me when I opened my eyes. He raised his eyebrows. "Do you know someone named Riley?" I whispered.

No, I sure don't. What's going on? Carlisle queried. I put up a finger to indicate just one second.

Riley finally answered the phone. Which was good. Victoria was getting impatient and I thought she might drop the call. I was too curious, now.

"Riley, love. Please don't give him a hard time. He's looking out for your best interest," Victoria said soothingly.

"Of course," he said dutifully. "As long as I know when you are coming back?"

"It won't be long, dear one. My travels are not quite over, but they are coming to a close."

"I wish to see you soon," Riley answered.

"You will. Goodbye."

Victoria's consciousness then went out of range. "Crap," I muttered.

Edward? Carlisle thought.

"She's run off. We missed our chance. By the time we find her scent, she could be miles away," I said irritably.

Did you see nothing in her vision that would help us find her location?

"Absolutely nothing. Just a bunch of trees," I sighed.

Hunting? He offered.

"Not interested," I replied, trying to ignore this subject.

The run back was silent between us. One look at Carlisle's eyes let me know that he wasn't actually hungry. His eyes were the color of molten honey, far from starving. My eyes, though, were black. I know that this issue will come up with my family. Until then, I decided I wouldn't summon the conversation.

The house that my family purchased in New Mexico was ridiculous. There were more rooms then we would know what to do with. I had a feeling Rosalie picked this house out. Entering into this fortress was different from my recent travels. I was hoping that the house was empty, but the stores must have closed on the women, because they were all back and sitting in the living room.

When I entered, Esme gave me a giant hug. Rosalie gave me a dirty glare, stood, and left. Let me know when you're over Bella. You're not just hurting yourself. You're hurting your family, were Rosalie's thoughts as she stomped upstairs.

Alice, on the other hand, looked eager to talk to me. Maybe the stores didn't close after all. Maybe she wanted to spend time with me instead of with Dolce and Gabana. Esme and Carlisle greeted, and left shortly after.

Walk with me? Alice thought. I nodded and we both exited the big house from the rear. You've done some really nasty things to all of us, Alice thought as we walked at a human pace. You know I can forgive you, but it's time for an intervention. I stayed silent, deciding if I didn't interrupt her, she'd finish quicker. Carlisle didn't want to come down here. The only reason he did was because of Esme. She was hurting so bad. Rosalie misses you, rather she lets you in on that or not. I know you two have your differences, but you need to cut her some slack. Just like she has always cut you some. It's an even trade.

"I didn't want to hurt everyone," I blurted out. "It's just…I know I'm not going to be around forever. I may be immortal, but I don't plan on living an immortal life anymore."

I know what you're going to say, Alice picked up a stick and began pulverizing it between her fingers. I don't want to hear it. I won't allow it. I'll see the future. I'll figure it out and I'll stop you. The end. No discussion.

"Alice," I sighed. "I know how your visions work. If I wanted to keep something secret from you, I could."

She stopped in her tracks. "That's not fair game," she said aloud. She hadn't thought about me tricking my way around her gift of foresight.

"Yes it is. This is my life, remember? It's killing me to not have Bella in it. Literally. I'm sure you've seen my desolate future." I said grimly.

"No. That's not it at all," she whispered.

"Okay, enlighten me."

I see you doing a lot of silly things. You're probably going to go south for a while, but soon…you'll come back north.

"North, maybe. But not to Forks. Not to Bella." My tone was hollow. You could hear the longing in my words. The contradiction there.

I swear, Edward. Sometimes you are so blind. You'll go south until you break and you'll crawl back, begging for forgiveness.

"I won't," I said stubbornly.

But you will! And you know the best part? Bella won't be mad, she won't be angry. She'll forgive you because that is the kind of person she is. Caring, loving…forgiving. She'll take you back without a second thought.

"If that's the case, it's better that I don't go back."

Explain that to me, Alice was getting frustrated. Maybe she didn't realize how thoroughly I thought this through.

"Alice," I said, exasperated. "Do you remember our conversation after I saved Bella from Tyler's van?" She nodded. "You told Jasper, without a doubt in your mind, that there were two outcomes. I would either kill her, or she would become one of us." She nodded again. "Then you told everyone that me leaving Bella alone was a lost cause. That's not true anymore. Which means she has the opportunity to have a third future, a human life, without me. This is the best gift I could give her."

A human life she'd rather trade to be with you forever? Alice reminded me.

"She doesn't see things clearly. You know that. This is the better future. She can still be alive."

But she'll be miserable! Alice groaned.

"Have you been looking into her future? You promised!" I said, outraged.

No! I swear. I just remember what I saw before. Plus, just because I'm not looking for her future, doesn't mean it doesn't snake its way into my head whenever it damn well pleases.

"All right."

Alice deflated some, feeling defeated. Truce?

"Truce," I agreed.

You'll go back to Bella. But there is only one future I see now. It's a happy one. Remember that. Please don't tear us apart before we get to enjoy what is to come. She thought glumly.

"Okay," I whispered. "But I'm still going to need time alone. I still have Victoria to deal with. You understand…right? She can hold a grudge, and she knows where Bella lives. I just couldn't live with myself if it was my fault for her untimely demise. And still, if she dies…I die. You should know that better than anyone."

She nodded again, finally on the same page with me. We had only walked a short distance from the house, and within seconds we were at the back door, where we started.

"After you," I said, opening the door.

She danced in, happier then I had seen her in days. Too bad I wasn't feeling the same. I felt defeated, torn, miserable and even tired. My whole body craved for the warmth of Bella's heat. I settled for sitting next to the roasting fire. It was not nearly as satisfying.

"Hunting. Fifteen minutes!" Emmett called out. Through Carlisle's thoughts, I knew he was making Jasper and Emmett take me hunting. My eyes had really bothered him on our journey in the woods. He was also very worried about my obsession with Victoria, though he just thought it was a phase, a way of coping.

"Sure," I whispered to Emmett.

Carlisle was right though, that was the whole reason I went after her in the first place. Victoria was evil, and each second I thought about her made me want to get up and kill her. Before I had this outrageous anger, all I had was grief, and it was eating me alive. There were no tears, and the only release was my anger toward Victoria. Maybe that was the whole reason I continued to miss her. It was like I was letting her evade me. The chase was so appealing…such a break from my agony that I needed it in my life right now.

Emmett was thinking along the same lines, except he was thinking about fighting the biggest carnivore he can find. It was rare that Emmett felt stress, and I wondered if it was because of all the fights he seems to pick with bears…lions…panthers. I sighed.

Jasper was sitting on the couch next to the fire, eyeing me curiously. He had kept his thoughts silent, but he was soaking up my emotions like a girl soaks up the sun in a tanning bed.

You're hurting, Jasper pointed out. I nodded. It was obvious, regardless of his empathy ability. When Alice was gone with you, I tried to imagine what you were going through. He continued to think. I couldn't do it. It was horrible. It brought me to my knees. I'm surprised to see you in such good form, honestly.

"I'm all torn up inside, though. For Esme's sake, and even Alice's, I try to show somewhat of a façade." He nodded. "When there is nothing going on, the pain over takes me. Sometimes I lose hours, even days when I am in that state. I'd say it was like I was sleeping, but I still feel the grief. Every last ounce of it."

Jasper was gripping the edge of the couch, trying to focus on calming me. He was having a difficult time. The last time I was around him I brought him to his knees.

"I know you're trying. I can feel a little numbness around the edges, but it's all still there. No matter how hard you try."

But I'm trying…he trailed off in thought.

Emmett came bounding down the stairs then. "What are you waiting for? Let's go!"

Jasper and I both rose to our feet. The heat was at my back now. It made me miss Bella even more. Jasper sighed next to me, clapped a hand on my shoulder and pushed me out the door. The calming effect tingled slightly, but then my overwhelming pain blasted through it. So much for special gifts. Some emotions even the supernatural can't fix. And that was a shame.

It was Christmas, I realized. Just a few minutes after midnight. Our family tradition usually included a big hunt, but Rosalie wouldn't agree to it this year and Esme told Emmett it would be a good idea if just us men went. I learned all of this through the thoughts floating around the house.

Carlisle caught up with us only a few minutes into our sprint through the trees. Emmett was springing up and down like tiger on crack. He was so delighted to be spending time with me. When he first got wind of a prowling cat, he offered it to me. I declined and Carlisle was disappointed. Jasper did a double take.

"I'm not interested," I told them. "You guys go ahead. I'll wait here." Emmett's exuberant bounced flattened.

Emmett was really looking forward to this. Carlisle thought. It made me feel real bad about what I said, then.

"Why is that?" Emmett finally asked.

I slumped down at the nearest log. "Blood has lost all its flavor. Even a bleeding human seems to have no effect on me."

Jasper raised on eyebrow. He thought it was impossible to be like that. "No flavor?"

"I've tasted Bella's blood. It was the most…well, it was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I understood drinking from animals kept me from harming her, kept me somewhat satisfied. But now, not even seven lions would quench my thirst, because the only thing I'm thirsty for is Bella. And not even her blood. Just her voice, her face…her presence…."

Carlisle placed a supported hand on my shoulder. "It's time to hunt, Edward. You can't starve yourself like this. It will end badly."

"You're probably right. It's just a struggle." I barely mouthed.

Jasper tried to send thirsty thoughts my way. It worked to some degree, enough that I was finally able to eat a deer. My eyes were still faintly black, but it satisfied Emmett and Carlisle.

Back at the house, my family exchanged gifts. Everyone forgave me for my absence of presents because I wasn't aware they were going to be in town. Esme put her arm around me and told me that being here with me was enough. Rosalie still continued to scowl at me, but everyone else agreed with her.

That evening was spent with my family. To me, it was like a farewell gesture. I'd give them what they needed. Some kind of closure.

This won't be the end, no matter what you think, Alice flicked a glass ornament my way. I caught it, and placed it on the table. I ignored her thought. It was best if she thought this way, too.

I wondered what Bella was doing at this very moment. How her Christmas was being spent. There was a sharp pang in my stomach as I thought about Mike or Jacob having their hands all over my Bella, giving my Bella Christmas gifts and enjoying time with her. I had no right to think about her, though. None at all. She wasn't my Bella anymore. She was Eric's, or Mike's or even Tyler's now. Not mine and I had no right to be jealous, or angry. If she found comfort in someone, that should be okay with me. It wasn't really…but if she was happy, I'd have to be happy, too.

It was hard for me not to ask Alice if she was in Florida or Washington. Only if I knew which parent she were with, I could get a better picture of her right now. I sighed heavily. It was just not right for me to think about this. It just hurt more and more. The next thing I knew I was walking to my room in this big mansion. Alice followed behind silently, always worried about me. When I shut the door she leaned against it, her hand rubbing the door as if soothing me. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make things better.

"Show me," I whispered so low I didn't think she'd hear. She did.

Are you sure? She thought, disbelieving.

"No. But I want to see."

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

I panicked at her thoughts. Was there something that she didn't want to tell me? No. There wasn't. Alice crumbled under the Christmas spirit.

She's still the same. Undecided. It's always you. Always about you. In Alice's vision, Bella was sitting at the table in the kitchen. Charlie was stirring something on the stove. That was unusual, I thought. Alice focused more on Bella. She was drawing something on a sheet of paper. One of those notes that lies by the phone. It read: Billy called. When's next football game? Beside that Bella drew a large circle. She continued to doodle. I didn't realize what she was drawing until she finished the lips of a face. Whoever it was, it was scowling. She drew two vampire fangs on it and then scratched it out with her pencil so hard it broke the led.

"That's enough," I told Alice.

She was giggling at what she saw. Like I said. It's always about you. Hey, did you get fangs while I was gone?

"Funny," I answered dryly.

I could hear Alice on the other side of the door. She got up slowly and then danced her way back down the stairs. It was in those moments that I lost all my hope for happiness. Every last part of me was unsure of my future, unsure of my course. Here I was, running away from Bella…again.

Author's note: I will be busy the next several months. Don't expect speedy updates. I will try my best, but I have more on my plate now then I have had in a long time. This chapter was not very long, but it was very important…at least I thought so. You learn some things about Edward you might not have known before.

There will be no preview for next chapter, but it will include the month of January. The Cullen's leave, but Edward talks to a friend of Carlisle's in Texas that happens to have had an encounter with Victoria. It should be a very interesting chapter.

Hey – did everyone see the new New Moon trailer? I feel dirty for thinking of poor Taylor as a hot sexy man…when he is so jailbait it ain't even funny. Have a great labor day weekend, those in USA.

Please review!!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Lolafalana is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of New Moon. No copyright infringement is intended.