18. Failure
No one could ever tell me they knew what it was like; watching the trees, houses, the earth grow smaller as you rose above it, knowing that there was a murderer there. And that that murderer might kill the one person you'd die for. And you couldn't do anything about it. Or nothing realistic, anyway.
That didn't stop the thoughts from flooding my mind. The emergency exit was only a few rows back. I could rip the door off and jump to the earth. But there were children on the plane, many who were unbuckling their seatbelts now. It would be wrong of me to condemn them to death on a hunch that Victoria was going to find Bella again.
My eyes roamed toward the front where a stewardess was putting drinks on a cart. There was no one between me and the pilot's door that could stop me from taking control of this plane. That was the most difficult to imagine of all my plans. The easiest one, but foolish all the same.
I felt trapped. Internally, I was cursing the fool I am for thinking that I could capture her. Hadn't I already proven myself to be a horrible tracker? But in this moment all I could think about was not fighting anymore – not fighting what I am, who I am. A vampire. More plans began to form in my mind. There was no greater joy than the hunt in this moment. The hunt that would bring me salvation in Bella's arms – if she were to accept me back.
Placing my head against the head rest, I closed my eyes. There was no better time than now, when I needed Bella so desperately, than to picture her before me – her heartbeats strong and fast, her scent tantalizingly sweet. My instincts fought against what I wanted. My heart was screaming for Bella back, but now I was beginning to think otherwise.
I remembered driving toward my house in Bella's truck, her scent wrapping around my body as we got closer. It was her birthday. Bella had brought up her choice to become like me again, one I vehemently refused. But what I remembered most from that night was Jasper's snapping jaws, the predator deep inside me awakening. It was only Jasper's thirsty desire that kept me from devouring Bella right then and there when that tiny droplet of blood sent us all into hunting mode. Every instinct I had begged me to take her, to have her, to taste her, to hunt her. And every second I fought that desire. I am a vampire and we are all murderers, killers…but one thing we aren't are animals, which is what makes a vampire more threatening: a predator's impulse in a human mind. Humanity's brutal way of playing with the world, laced with the primitive, heedless hunt of the untamed animal.
The perfect clarity of the memory made it worse. I remembered losing myself in the smell of the hunt. I cast away all concepts of sin and murder then. I lost all that had once made me Edward Cullen. All I could think about was tasting her life in my mouth – letting it flow into me. I imagined it hot in my mouth, boiling with pure life and energy. I remembered that I did not want to kill, and yet I barely controlled myself.
But I do have control, I told myself, unlike a wild animal.
My mind focused on this last image. One of horror and grief. One I wish I had never thought. Even more, one I wished would have never happened. That was why I left – why I still run away. I want to go back, I plan to go back. Still, I stay away.
Soon, the plane was flying over light blue water, the gulf looking like a painting from this height. My senses were sharp, but even at this distance I couldn't make out great detail of the ocean floor below. Again, I thought about jumping from the plane, landing in the warm gulfs water to swim my way back to Texas. I knew I'd be too late, though. I was always too late. Land appeared shortly after and I knew any second now I'd be back on solid ground, starting over again.
I was a fool to think that my life could go back to what it was before Bella. The idea was fathomless and ridiculous. Before I kept my distance from humans, refused to tempt myself with their blood. I never allowed myself to grow close to a human before Bella. It was her silent mind and her knowing eyes that sucked me in, like a black hole. I'd loved her before I even realized, and now I was stuck with the consequences: on a plane to a country I despise while the killer gets away. Sometimes I wondered what my existence would be like if I would have never met Bella. If she never came to Forks, or if we never moved there. The thought was a painful one. One I couldn't tolerate right now.
The plane began to descend to the land below us. A relief. Two women behind me were arguing over politics in Venezuela. All I could think about was their heartbeats and the pulses in their wrists and throats. I could feel my teeth locking together, biting into my lip. Just another reminder of the monster I am. But I would not feed. I didn't want to. The taste would be wrong.
When the plane landed and passengers grabbed their bags I stayed put for a minute, observing the masses around me. The two women departed, large smiles spread across their faces at a joke I didn't pay attention to. Jealousy consumed me in that instant, aware their troubles were far away and despite everything they knew they were still guiltless. Something I wasn't.
I seized my phone and turned it on, hoping for missed calls, guidance – anything that would help me. There were no voicemails. I was disappointed immediately. Still, I sat in my seat on that plane. There was a small hope in me that Victoria would pass me by any second, but as the last passenger exited the plane, I was left with the facts: Victoria was not on this plane.
Bag in hand, I left the airport. The sun was behind afternoon clouds. It seemed to rain every day, especially mid afternoon here. I shut my eyes for a moment; trying to blink away the burning sensation from the tears I knew would never come. I failed, again. I shook my head but the pain refused the dull. It was intense as I stood there, so difficult to manage for a moment that it was pushing my reason away from me and my thoughts were no longer coherent.
I'd let Victoria rule my life for so many months, I had let her keep me from the one thing in this world that could still bring me joy, love, happiness. I hated how I ended up this way, far away where I didn't want to be. Still, I pushed myself forward. I no longer cared for hotel rooms, or to speak to any humans. The first patch of trees I found I got lost in, immersing myself in the green. Shadows loomed in the shade and the animal noises were loud in my ears, yet, it was more peaceable than the rowdy streets of Venezuela, a poor country with a powerful and cruel leader. But the humans were not who I feared in these parts, it was the vampires. But I caught no trace of their scent where I was at, no sign of them whatsoever.
A tall tree with high branches stood out in the midst of all the younger, smaller trees and I climbed it, resting against the back of the trunk. Rest was unnecessary, only a human habit I picked up. It was there that I got lost in my thoughts. A dangerous thing to do. The sun could have set and never rise the next day and I wouldn't have noticed. It had all grown too much to handle, yet I sat there and took it, refusing to go back now. I wanted to, demanded myself to return, even told myself after Victoria I would find her again. But there was still something deeply seeded inside me that kept me from moving toward the precious girl in Forks.
---
February melted into March as I wondered south of Venezuela and found myself in Brazil, a country large enough for anyone to get lost in. I'd been traveling for a couple of weeks and still had no luck finding Victoria. I'd call Alice, again, today, to see if she could find Victoria. Her moves had proven rather erratic and usually she was in a place Alice couldn't recognize, like in a forest or near a body of water. No towns, or signs, nothing to help us pinpoint a location.
It was dark outside on the streets, many vendors and tourist still flooding the area to buy little tokens to take back to their loved ones of their journey's here. Briefly, I thought about purchasing something for Bella. I banished that idea quickly.
I'd made a promise to her, one I couldn't take back by being so selfish. Alice had been infuriated when I first called her. I probably could have dropped the phone on the bottom of the ocean and still heard her yelling at me. She'd packed, unpacked and repacked probably a hundred times between every decision I made to return to that small cloudy town that I missed. She'd been looking at my future again, one thing I'd asked her not to do, even though it was wrong for me to get angry at her when that was the reason I was calling. What was my future? Where did Victoria fit into it all? And that was why I was going to call again. It could be a distraction – one could hope.
My phone was lying in my palm, the screen blaring its bright light at me, like it was accusing me of doing something wrong. Still, I dialed the number in record time. Alice answered the phone before the first ring could finish its chime.
"I'm not unpacking this time," she answered.
"No, I didn't suspect you would." I answered dully.
"Only a matter of time," she muttered. I didn't answer. "Anyway…" she continued, "I don't know where Victoria is, but I'm pretty sure you're looking in the wrong places."
"Great." My voice was flat. All I had left was my bitterness.
Things had grown perceptibly worse in the past few weeks. Losing Victoria's trail had caused me to grow into a deeper depression. That was never a distraction, but now it was like there was no hope of one. Hopeless, is what I had become.
"She's in a remote area, in the woods."
"I got that the other twelve phone calls," I said lifelessly.
"It's snowing."
"Oh," was my competent response.
"There are several feet on the ground." There was a long pause. Neither of us spoke. Alice gave in first. "I checked online, and there aren't any places in the US besides Alaska that has that much snowfall at this moment."
"So the equator is not the place to be looking, I gather?" I replied unemotionally.
"No," she said reluctantly, like she knew this would be the end of the conversation and she was hoping for more. "Where are you at now?"
"Don't you know? You look for my future several times a day, I'm sure."
"Sometimes it's just nice to hear it from you," she said softly.
"Brazil. I don't know where in Brazil, my mind has been other places."
"Oh," was all she said. There was a long drawn out silence. You could almost taste it, it was so thick. "What now?" she asked.
"My future's not so bright anymore, eh?" I replied monotonously.
"No," she said darkly. "But it will change, again," she added.
I didn't say anything. Alice knew she was walking on eggshells. I'd been terrible to her, to my whole family. I thought Christmas would be good enough to last several more months. Apparently not.
"Please –"
"No," I cut her off. "Don't tempt me." I knew what she was going to offer. She said she'd go to Forks, undercover, to check on Bella for me. Just to peek at her, see how she was doing. I understood why it was so hard for me to let her go, but I didn't see why my family was having the same reactions. "I made a promise. She made a promise." I reminded her.
"But–"
"Don't."
"Okay, but–"
"Alice!" I shouted, my tone finally finding some life force left.
"I know, Edward, but–"
I snapped the phone shut. I waited for a second. She did not call back. I didn't figure she would. I wouldn't answer and she knew I wouldn't so why bother calling?
I found myself against the back of a brick wall. The warmth of the day still heated the tiny grains of sand and rock. It felt nice against my frigid skin. The crowds in the street were beginning to disperse. For once, I felt lost, without meaning or purpose. This quest was meaningless. Nothing mattered anymore; it was all just so…pointless.
It was time to hunt again. I couldn't let my thirst get out of control like I did last time. The jungle was not far, it was never far from anywhere in this wild country. I'd have to go deep into the trees, make sure there were no humans for me to catch scent of. It was wrong that I had gotten so thirsty that I almost attacked and killed a hunter. If it wasn't for Bella… I shuddered at the thought.
It was in the depths of the jungle that I let my senses take over. There were predators everywhere, lurking in the tops of the trees and hiding in the shadows of the night. The undergrowth was immense, and regardless of my speed, was a problem for my sight. I would have to use my other senses, rely on them more. Closing my eyes seemed to intensify my hearing, my sense of smell. There were so many animals to choose from.
There was a jaguar not far from where I was, but I'd let it pass. Carlisle had always taught us prudence, and feeding from a jaguar, an endangered species, would only make me feel guilty. But this cat was probably the most appetizing creature in the whole forest. In the other direction I could hear the crunching of hoofs and realized I'd have to settle for deer.
The venom trickled down my throat as I crouched to spring. My mind focused on the hot, thick blood that would soon be filling me. I listened for their heart beats and was surprised that there was only one, probably strayed from the herd. It was with the thought of its pulse pumping its life into me that I sprang forth, using my ears and my nose to guide the way. To my surprise, it wasn't a deer, but a blackbuck. Similar, but exotic for my taste buds all the same. I didn't hesitate as I snapped its neck easily with a quick jerk of my hand. I didn't want it to suffer. I bit down and the blood rushed into my mouth, easing the burning in my throat for only a few moments. I gladly accepted the distraction.
Author's note: Next chapter is going to be Rosalie's phone call. And since everyone has driven me nuts with emails (I still love to hear from you) – I will be writing my own version which I will try to make as different from Stephenie's as possible, yet believable all the same.
Edward's destiny is to be with Bella. Now my loyal fans will read how Edward learned of Bella's death, left Brazil broken and begged the Volturi to take his life away so he could be with her again.
In his ash would he still feel his torturous pain? He'll never have to find out, and soon you'll be reading why!
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