21. Save Me

My back was to the west side of a tall building housing a meat market with small apartments overhead. The shadow was long over the dusty stones of the city. To me, it was all meaningless. Everything was. I had nothing left. No one could possibly understand the resentment I felt against myself for letting Bella's life come to a brutal ending. Did she feel pain when she jumped off the cliff? Did it burn her lungs when she choked to death on the water? God! I was such a horrible monster. Why didn't I listen? Why did I have to be so stubborn?

Rosalie's words haunted me. "She loved you more than you realized. More than any of us understood, really."

How could I have been so stupid? Alice had showed me her pain through her visions when I first left Forks. I expected it, but I thought after all those months she would be fine, coping, moving on. I was constantly telling myself that she couldn't afford for me to come back, and in all honesty, she would have lasted longer in my care. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! I chanted to myself.

It was time to meet my end. If Aro thought I would be against doing something against my families beliefs, he didn't know how badly I wished for death. A truck drove down a small alley way to drop off supplies for the events of Saint Marcus day. I contemplated throwing it over the building. That would get everyone's attention. Then, there was a sudden rush of thoughts. Racing through the crowds at vampire speed, punching my fist through the wall, bringing a lion to fight with in the square or bringing a deer to the square and ravaging it… The thoughts were endless. All of those things could have some strange explanation and I knew that Aro would do everything to keep me as his radio so he could tune into whichever mind he wished from a distance. The last thing I wanted was to see the rough stone passageway and those stupid flaming torches that lead to the Volturi.

I knew what I had to do. The Volturi were strictly against all hunting in their city and they don't give warnings for those who break that rule. They burn them. That's what I wanted. I was going to hunt.

My mind jumped from thought to thought, trying to find someone to kill. In those years that I was away from Carlisle, I hunted men who were evil. I'd do the same now. Each thought was utterly meaningless, though I continued to search for the one person who would meet their fate along with me. A dark shadowy passageway could be seen from where I was leaning. My mind went out toward the man standing there smoking a clove cigarette after I had been searching for an hour. He was staring out toward a woman who was tall and beautiful. She had been setting up her small market space for the tourists that were rapidly filling the city.

She'd look pretty good naked on my bed, the man purred in his head. It made me sick. How to get her to follow me… he contemplated.

As the images swam in his head I couldn't take it anymore. Keeping to the shadows, I made my way across the square where people were converging. They were all meaningless in this world. I finally picked his name from his convoluted mind. Stefan.

He dropped his clove cigarette to the ground and stomped on it to put out the fire before walking calmly toward the woman. She was completely oblivious to the danger that this man possessed. As I stalked the shadows I was picking up on his hideous thoughts. He wanted to do some brutal things to this woman. It was his lucky day. He was going to die. The world would be much better without predators like me and him. The phrase two birds with one stone came to mind.

The thoughts of Felix and Demetri weren't far from my stalking moves. They were waiting, anticipating my next move. Good, they were the perfect audience along with all of my other emotions. I'd make all of them go away with just one bite. One last meal…one last selfish act. Because that is what I am, a selfish creature. I'd proven that, hadn't I?

The what if's spun around in my head again, but it was worse now, knowing no matter what I did at this moment in time, I'd never be able to repair her death. I speculated briefly as I moved toward the man if Bella had hated me in her last moments before she jumped. The thought burned like a fiery liquid through my veins. She was always so forgiving; I just hoped that she forgave me before ending her life. Even though I didn't deserve it.

Stefan walked into the sunlight to speak to the woman. He was clever in his words and soon she was eating out of the palm of his hand. I stood only feet away, ready to make my move.

"Stefan?" I called out from the shadows. His head snapped up to see my face. His jaw twitched and his thoughts became angry. "I wouldn't do that if I were you…you know, what you're thinking?"

His eyes narrowed. Go away, he thought angrily.

"I'm not going away," I reiterated his thoughts.

He excused himself from the woman for a moment and marched to where I was at in the shadows. I turned around and went down a shadowy passage way, the one he was previously lurking in. When I stopped I turned around so quickly that the man recoiled. He was too slow and soon I had his neck in my grasp and his head hit the wall hard. Still, I was being gentle.

Instantly, memories came crashing down on me.

"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" I asked.

"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction," she said.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.

"No."

I tried not to smile, and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the momentary humor. "It was just the very thought of you being there…while we hunted."

"That would be bad?"

The mental picture was too much—Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself, out of control… I tried to banish it from my head. "Extremely."

Why I thought of this while I was holding the man against the rough stone wall I didn't know but it hit me hard and I loosened my grip. What would Bella think about me now?

"I trust you."

I felt ashamed. Another memory flashed in my head.

The snowflakes had become large and were increasing in rate. I knew any moment now that I'd be several feet deep if I didn't move from my perch.

Alaska. Or, as I'd like to call it, hell. Ever since Carlisle turned Esme we had been living in this place. Sure, the wildlife was plentiful, but there were no humans. I'd never tasted human blood before, but it smelled so rich and I craved it daily. I'd contemplated for days about leaving this place and never returning. Finally giving into what I was. I was a monster and nothing would ever change that. Carlisle was just holding me back from the inevitable. He had some kind of super control. Not me.

I left that night for four years. I wasn't that person anymore.

The man stared back at me with eyes that had dilated in terror. I knew I couldn't let him go, but I also knew that I couldn't leave this world like this. Not with more shame. I owed my family that much, didn't I? Alice would see it all. Again, I felt sorry.

I yanked the man from the shadows and brought him to the nearest human guard. After explaining about who he was, from the things I pulled from his mind, they immediately arrested him due to previous unsolved crimes. It would be my last good deed.

Hidden from view, but not from my mind, Felix and Demetri were still following me. Felix was highly disappointed that I didn't take the man's life. He really wanted to kill me. He'd get his chance, I promised myself. All I could hope for at this moment would be a quick death.

A tall clock tower could be seen several blocks away as a chime rang out into the square, noting that it was eleven. And that was when my most brilliant plan came to me. One that wouldn't scare Bella. She was who I wanted to be thinking about in my final moments on this earth.

As I stepped into the sunlight my skin instantly absorbed the rays and emitted them back out in a band of colors. I could see my reflection in her deep chocolate eyes and in that moment I became a statue of uneasiness. What would this revelation do to her resolve? Her mouth slightly parted and I could smell her sweet breath on the light breeze. She only hesitated for a second, and then, with deliberate slowness, stepped closer to me, and I could instantly tell it wasn't because she had an aversion to me, but because she was anxious of what my reaction would be. I moved in that moment, a smile slowly spread across my face. She returned my smile immediately.

I stalked the streets like a cat, slinking from shadow to shadow, the Volturi guard never far from my back. Just like Bella, I would decide the time of my oblivion.

The clock tower cast a long shadow across the grounds that were slowly becoming smaller as the sun inched its way across the light blue and cloudless sky. I let myself get lost in my thoughts, in my memories while I waited for the grand plan, the one that would get the most reaction. My eyes closed and I saw her chestnut brown hair, her deep, mysterious eyes and the perfect red of her lips.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded. I willed my mind to hear her thoughts in that moment… even a single sound would quench my ever dying thirst for her knowing mind.

Bella's eyes bore into mine, her bottom lip being slowly chewed on. It was her nervous sign. I wasn't nervous, I was ready to meet my fate, my memory as my companion.

Her voice accelerated then, "I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

I was grief-stricken instantaneously.

"I don't want you to be afraid," I spoke the words that were undeniable.

"I can't live without you," I whispered aloud. "This is the only way."

"I'm… sorry… Edward," she whispered.

I was the one who was sorry. Sorry for leaving her, for thinking that I was making things better. All I did was make them worse. As the minutes ticked on by, I hoped and prayed that Carlisle was right about heaven. If I could meet Bella in death, we'd have our eternity together after all.

How do I make her understand how sorry I am?

"Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" If only…

This was the best way to go, to show the world how beautiful a true killer can be.

"I don't want you to leave," she whimpered, looking at our hands again.

The clocks hands readjusted again, another minute passed.

Her sweet face never left my view as the clock began its descent to my fate. The thoughts around me all came together as one big Italian splash. The square had flooded with people, red robes, vampire teeth and their flags all rejoicing the peace in the city. It was all meaningless…

An echoing chime boomed through the air and many people recoiled from the sound, some covering their ears. The sound was crystal clear in my mind. And welcomed.

Once before, the light had kept me from following Bella to save her. I remembered how powerless it made me feel. So limited.

Not this time.

I will touch the sun or die trying. Of all of my plans, this one I would not feel ashamed of. I'd show them all the skin of a true killer. Sparkle, shine – they'd see it all. The Volturi will just have to take me out. It would immediately knock that smug look off of Aro's face.

Each second the clocked chimed above my head I knew I was getting closer to the angel. My thoughts ventured to my family. They would survive this, they had each other. I was always the odd man out, and now they wouldn't have to worry about the belligerent old man they had to keep company. Death was what I came here for, and now I would greet it with an untamed, wild pleasure. Alice was the only one I felt sorry for now. She'd be a witness to my death no matter where she was at.

Another booming chime bounced through the square and I noticed a little girl pointing my direction. I couldn't even manage a smile. Her father didn't pay attention, even though she tugged at his pants over and over. He'd turn to see once I enter the light, as would the rest of the crowed before me.

There was nothing left in me. Slowly, calmly, I unbuttoned my shirt and yanked it free of my body. It was meaningless. I held it between two fingers as my arm went limply at my side.

Through the thoughts and the steady hum of the crowed there was a whimsical voice – beautiful, frantic – screaming my name. It was familiar. Bella, I thought devotedly. Was she calling me from the heavens? I'm coming, my sweet. My shirt wavered in the breeze filled air until it dropped lifelessly to the ground, a semblance of my impending doom. The booming chime from above vibrated in the souls of my feet, shook me deep in my core. I took a step, listening to the heavenly voice calling my name.

"Edward!"

I closed my eyes, picturing her heart shaped face, porcelain cheeks, and her long brown hair. I stepped closer to the golden glow of the sun, letting the light shine only inches from my feet. In two seconds I would cross the line from life to death. I wouldn't be powerless anymore. Forgive me, I thought, opening my palms face up in prayer – to whichever god would be listening – before I let it all go. Everything was meaningless, after all.

"Edward, no!" I heard in the distance. Again, the angelic sound had returned, louder this time. A hallucination. My subconscious giving me what I needed in my final moments. My face was serene, tranquil. I had accepted my fate and here Bella was to greet me.

Maybe things weren't so meaningless after all, I mused.

The clock tolled again, the booming chime echoing through the square. The end had come. My eyes traced the contrasting line between light and shadow and I remembered a time when that simple fact kept me from finding Bella in the small city of Port Angeles. It wouldn't stop me this time. I'd gladly take that step into the light just to end it all. I'd lived for so long and now I'd have my peace just as Bella.

I took another step toward the light. "No! Edward, look at me!" I heard in that same musical, hysterical voice. She was trying to save me, protect me instead of herself. Her last selfless act to my selfish one. My lips twitched up slightly at the thought as I began to take my final step into the sun.

And then, she was in my arms…here to save me. My hands grasped her warm body immediately as I took in the sweet, seductive scent of her blood. She was tangible, real.

I had to check…I had to look to see if what I was feeling were true. Deliberately, I opened my eyes with cautiousness. My eyes found what my body could feel. She was here, in my arms. It was undeniable. She was real.

"Amazing," I whispered into her hair. Her very real, strawberry scented hair. "Carlisle was right." He really was… A giddy excitement radiated through my body.

It was in that second that I knew I was finally in heaven.

Please Review! Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews! I told you I'd post this chapter on Sunday and here it is! Shew, when you're under the clock you start to sweat. Hah.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Lolafalana is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of New Moon. No copyright infringement is intended.