AN: Thanks for the reviews :D Seriously, they're like crack to me. Love 'em. Hope you all had an awesome New Years as well. Warning for slightly disturbing imagery in this part, not sure it merits an M... Also forgive me for my awful writing in the Christopher/Gabriel scene. SORRY.

On an unrelated note I always seem to picture Christopher as Jake Abel. Hm. My obsession with him seems to know no bounds.

Lyrics and title from I Like Pretending by IAMX

Are we machines
Obsolete, alone
With symbiotic self indulgence
And if we dig deep
The circuitry burnt out, bends
Into neurotic repetition.

Tessa closed her hand tightly around Gabriel's wrist. His skin was cold and clammy and she could feel his racing pulse. She'd never changed into to someone by touching them before. Magnus was standing in front of her, his hands pressed gently to either side of her temples, his yellow-green eyes watching her carefully. Gideon and Will were sat on the other side of the bed, Gideon was pale with worry and anticipation, Will would have looked calm to anyone who didn't know him but Tessa had seen the slight trembling in his hands and legs. Will was just as nervous as Gideon.

"Ready?" Magnus asked her.

Tessa bit her lip and nodded, Magnus smiled slightly. "Remember, Tessa. Anytime you want to stop you can." He said.

"Okay," Tessa said and taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and gripped Gabriel's wrist tightly as she began to change. The sensation had never gotten any easier and when it was done her eyes fluttered open and she gasped.

Gideon, who had never seen her change before was gaping. "Uncanny," he breathed.

"Now comes the hard part," Magnus said softly.

Tessa closed her eyes again and let herself fall into Gabriel's memories. They spiralled and rose up around her and for moment she lost herself in a sudden rush of images- Gideon helping him up, teaching him how to wield a stele, a woman with deep green eyes and long dark hair mother, ominous footsteps echoing through the hallway, hiding under the covers, eyes squeezed shut, not today, please I haven't done anything wrong. And then there it was a whispered name, Christopher.

Before she could stop herself Tessa found herself following it and abruptly there was an explosion of memories. A sandy haired boy, childish games, a promise and then the sandy haired boy was all grown up. Blue green eyes and a quick smile. A soft caress. A laugh. A kiss.

Tessa, what are you doing? Magnus' voice in her head.

She blushed, sorry, sometimes I can't control it, she lied.

She could almost hear Magnus' disbelief but he kept quiet.

Gabriel didn't see Christopher again until he was thirteen years old. He'd just had his arm broken by Will Herondale in front of most of England's Shadow Hunters and his father had taken it as a personal embarrassment. Gideon was in Idris so Gabriel had had to apply the healing rune himself. He was sitting, despondently in the garden plotting ways to end Will Herondale's life painfully as the Shadow Hunters continued the building behind him.

His brooding was interrupted by a strangely familiar, but not, voice. "Hello, Gabriel."

Gabriel turned around slowly and cautiously. He blinked in surprise. "Christopher?"

Christopher's handsome face broke into an ear splitting grin as he sat down beside the younger Shadow Hunter and pulled him into a tight, rough hug. "Miss me?" he murmured softly, running a gentle hand through Gabriel's hair.

By the Angel, yes, Gabriel thought as he nodded into Christopher's neck. He wanted to say, don't go ever again. But that was absurd, he'd met Christopher only once, a lifetime ago and for a month they had been inseparable. But there was something in him, something he didn't know existed before, that felt relieved and overjoyed and right, now that Christopher was back.

When they pulled away Christopher surveyed him and said, "Good, because I really fucking missed you."

Gabriel smiled so widely he honestly thought his cheeks would split.

They ended up lying together under the stars, Gabriel's head on Christopher's shoulder. Something inside them both was screaming that this was wrong. But neither of them cared. It was like they had never been apart.

"Come to Idris with me. To the school there," Christopher said softly. "What's here for you? Your brother's already left, your sisters barely here and your father..." he trailed off, looking down at Gabriel sadly.

Gabriel sat up and looked away from Christopher. "Kit..." he mumbled. "I don't...I can't...If I leave who's he got?" It was true enough; his Father was fast losing friends because of his lust for power and control. The only friends he had left were Downworlders and Gabriel wasn't sure how to feel about that.

Christopher sat up with him and wrapped his arms around the younger Shadow Hunter's back, resting his chin on Gabriel's shoulder. This isn't what friends do, Gabriel thought.

"Gabe, are you a happy person?" Christopher asked quietly when the silence stretched too long.

Gabriel's laugh sounded more like a sob and he was shocked to find his eyes blurring with tears. His head was pounding with the words, alone, hurt, afraid, alonealonealone. "No, Kit. I'm not."

Christopher snaked his hand down Gabriel's arm and interlocked their fingers. "Come with me. I promise I'll change that."

He thought about his father's stern lessons, his cold steely eyes, him taking the door handle off Gabriel's door whenever he held a party so Gabriel couldn't get out. Then he swallowed thickly, "Okay."

He pretended not to notice when Christopher pressed a kiss to his cheek.

It took Tessa a lot long then she had expected to find Gabriel's memory of the attack. She had to fight through waves of fog and confusion and don'twanttoremember, but she made it eventually with Magnus' gentle reinforcement. She took a deep breath.

Gabriel was standing trembling in a room, his bedroom. He was dressed in a night shirt and loose trousers, the bed was unmade, blankets tangled on the floor, it dark outside, he had been sleeping. The only sound in the room was Gabriel's heavy breathing, his pounding heart, the roaring of blood in his ears. He was sick with fear and Tessa shook with him.

He was holding something tightly in his balled fist, a pocket watch, Christopher's pocket watch. Please, please, please, he was whispering over and over in his head. Please what? Tessa wasn't sure.

Then the door swung open and the world exploded.

Gideon greeted his little brother with a warm hug as soon as he arrived at the Shadow Hunter Academy. "What are you doing here, Gabriel?" he asked.

Gabriel smiled, wider then Gideon had ever seen him smile. "Christopher asked me to come and I told Father I was going whether he wanted me to or not. You should have seen his face!"

Christopher stood behind Gabriel beaming and Gideon had the ridiculous urge to hug the younger boy he barely knew. Thank you, he wanted to say, for saving my brother when I couldn't. But he didn't. Instead he smiled and nodded to the other boy, hoping his eyes conveyed his gratitude.

Judging by Christopher's bashful nod back they did.

Idris was wonderful and Gabriel was free. And he had Christopher. There wasn't anyone judging him and comparing him. There wasn't anyone inviting demons and vampires and werewolves round in the dead of night. He was happy.

Gabriel avoided going home except when Gideon went because he knew his father was still annoyed with him leaving, but apart from that. He was happy.

A demon stood in the door, the same demon Tessa had seen Benedict with at the party. Gabriel whimpered. "Not you," he half-sobbed, "Not you."

The demon smiled and the memory collapsed like a glass window under pressure. Shattering into an explosion of emotions, colours, sound, faces, claws, pain.

Tessa's immediate impulse was to back away, to slip back to herself but Magnus held her fast. It's okay, it's okay, he soothed. Tessa we need this.

It happened like this, on Gabriel's sixteenth birthday:

Gabriel always knew there was something different about his relationship with Christopher. He knew that many people thought they were just best friends, like Will Herondale and James Carstairs. But best friends didn't share a bed when one of them (usually Gabriel) had a nightmare, did they? No, Gabriel knew there was something different about his relationship with the older Shadow Hunter. He knew what it was. But it was easier to pretend he didn't.

They were sitting alone in the Academy gardens; they'd snuck out of their shared bedroom. They were lying together, star gazing, just as they had been doing that night almost three years ago.

"I'm old enough that we could be parabatai now," Gabriel murmured without quite knowing why.

Christopher, who had been carding his hand through Gabriel's hair, froze. He sat up swiftly causing Gabriel, who had had his head pillowed on Christopher's chest, to fall to the ground. "Ouch, Christopher," Gabriel snapped, glaring at him.

Christopher was watching him with an unreadable expression and that scared Gabriel; he always knew what the elder Shadow Hunter was thinking. "What's wrong?" he asked immediately, a hint of fear evident in his voice.

"Do you want to be?" Christopher asked in a brisk voice. "Parabatai, I mean."

Gabriel felt stupid for even mentioning it and he shook his head, "No...I..."

Christopher frowned. "Why?"

Gabriel looked away. Because I think I'm in love with you, he thought, surprising himself.

"Because I think I'm in love with you."

Gabriel blinked; it hadn't been him that had spoken. He gaped at Christopher who was standing now with his eyes fixed firmly on his shoes, his face red and his fists balled. "I'm sorry Gabriel. I-I know it's wrong. Boys don't fall in love with boys but you're..."

Gabriel stood up shakily, "Christopher," he began, his mouth dry. I love you too, you idiot. But he couldn't.

Christopher looked up at him, brow furrowed as he searched Gabriel's face. "You love me too?" he asked eventually. Gabriel nodded, obscenely glad that he hadn't had to say the words.

Christopher smiled, very slowly and then he laughed, pulling Gabriel up to stand in front of him. Gabriel had gotten tall but Christopher was taller. "Truly?" Christopher beamed and when Gabriel nodded again he pulled Gabriel into a tight hug and Gabriel's heart sang because it was so right.

But it was so wrong."

"Kit..." Gabriel said in a shaky voice, looking away. "I can't. I'm a Lightwood."

Christopher watched the younger boy for a few moments before smiling. He reached out and turned Gabriel's face up to his, Gabriel's green eyes were shimmering and for a moment Christopher thought he saw tears welling up. He leant their foreheads together, "Not tonight, Gabe." He said, gently. "Tonight you're not a Lightwood. You're just Gabriel. And I'm just Christopher. We aren't even shadowhunters. Just two boys."

Gabriel's eyes widened, "B-But my family would-" he stammered.

Christopher laughed, "Forget your name, love."

And then he kissed him.

And Gabriel kissed back.

Gabriel tried to fight the demon. He really, really did. But he was one Shadow Hunter and they were many. He tried to call out, but for who? His brother. But of course Gideon wasn't there.

He was dragged down and then-

Writhing, whimpering, begging, please, please, please.

Benedict was pinned against the wall by a large demon. His steely eyes betrayed no emotion at the sight of his younger son being tortured and Tessa felt faintly ill.

Burning, tearing, cutting, pain, pain, pain.

Every part of Gabriel's body was screaming; it felt as if his very skin was being flayed off.

There was the demon again, the one Tessa had seen Benedict with, leaning over him laughing and speaking in a language she assumed was a demon dialect. Gabriel looked up at her with glazed green eyes and she raked her claws across his face.

Then there was a searing pain spreading across Gabriel's skin, like acid tearing through his veins. His skin was on fire and Tessa screamed.

Stay calm, said Magnus. Almost there!

Gabriel was beyond screaming. He wanted to die and Tessa wanted to die with him.

The demon laid a hand on Gabriel's face and then she was- oh, by the Angel- she was inside his head.

Tessa couldn't-

Gabriel's eyes rolled backwards and there was black abyss. And endless agony.

But Magnus held her there, still watching.

And then Gabriel was lying on the floor. His eyes fluttered open and a figure was stroking his hair. "You're dead." Gabriel choked his voice raw from screaming.

The ghost smiled, "But you're not."

"Christopher..."

"You'll be okay."

"No, but I can pretend." Gabriel smiled weakly.

"Love you."

The ghost vanished and Benedict's face swam into view, "Gabriel? By the Angel, Gabriel! You'll be okay." His grey eyes were wide with concern.

Magnus let go and Tessa fell backwards onto the floor, trembling and herself again.

But your silver skin soothes my aching curses
and reminds me
That you're worth it.
The whole world's insanities
The bleeding hearts and tragedies
Won't distract me from the deathwish

Are we pretending?
Are we pretending?
Are we pretending?
I like pretending