This is not the dream I dreamed - Rachel faces up to the fact that her Broadway career could be over before it had chance to begin.
Rating - T
Character - Rachel [and her fathers]
A/N - Reviews/concrit are loved, and if there's anything you'd like to see happen the let me know and I'll try my best to work it in somehow.I'm from the UK, so if anything American is not quite right, please let me know and I'll fix it.
[Lyrics in italics from 'I dreamed a dream' from Les Misérables]
Almost four hours later Rachel groaned and collapsed back into the bed as she felt something slip from her body. "She's not crying" Rachel began to panic, "why isn't she crying?"
"She's very early Rachel" the doctor said softly, "it's not unusual for babies that small to need help breathing."
Rachel choked back a sob as her baby was laid in an incubator and wheeled from the room, "Where are they taking her?"
"To the neo-natal intensive care unit"
"I want to go with her." Rachel cried.
"We need to get you stitched and cleaned up Rachel, you can see her later when she's settled."
The doctor saw Rachel's face fall, "why doesn't one of your dads go with her?" he suggested.
Rachel nodded, accepting the compromise, "Dad, will you?" Leroy nodded and the doctor walked him into the far corner of the room,
"You'll probably have to wait outside until they've got the baby settled" he explained, "but I think it'll calm Rachel down if she knows you're there." He said, before asking a nurse to show him the way, and turning his attention back to Rachel.
"How are you feeling?" Hiram asked as he sat beside Rachel's bed later that evening.
Rachel shrugged, "tired?" She was confused, she didn't know what to think, she didn't know how she was supposed to feel. Her hands kept wondering to her stomach, expecting to roam over the gentle curve, feeling her daughter move beneath her hands, but now there was nothing.
There was a tap on the door, shortly before a doctor Rachel hadn't met before walked into the room. "Dr Ryan" he held out his hand for Rachel and Hiram to shake. "I'm the paediatrician in charge of your daughter's care" he explained, "I've got a picture of her if you'd like to see it?" Rachel took the picture from the doctor, lying it face down on the cabinet beside the bed so she didn't have to look at it. "We've got your daughter settled in the neo-natal intensive care unit" he told Rachel, sitting beside the bed, "so whenever you're ready to meet her just let a nurse know and they'll bring you down, I believe your father is down there now?"
Rachel said nothing, so Hiram answered, "My husband is with the little one yes."
The doctor nodded, "she's. . .sorry, I should have asked, does she have a name, she's just Baby Berry at the moment"
Rachel shook her head, "she's. . . I didn't. . ."
The doctor nodded, "that's fine, I just thought I'd ask. But anyway, as you know she's small, ideally we'd have liked her to be a little bit bigger for the age that she is. . ."
"How big is she?" Hiram interrupted.
The doctor looked to Rachel and she nodded, "she's 3 pounds and 2 ounces, and a little over 15 inches long". Hiram gasped, he and Leroy has thought Rachel was tiny when she was born, but she was more than double the weight of his granddaughter. Rachel sad nothing, but bowed her head, trying to stop her tears from falling. "like I said" the doctor continued, "she's tiny, but she's doing as well as can be expected, she's on a ventilator to help her breathe, but that's not unusual with preemies, she shouldn't need to be on it for long, and for the time being she'll be tube fed, a lot of preemies have trouble sucking and swallowing as they breathe, but if you want to express some breast milk we can see about feeding her that when she's ready."
Rachel nodded "thank you" she whispered.
The doctor smiled, "do you have any questions?"
"Will, will she be alright?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"I can't give you a definite yes or no" the doctor told her, "every baby is different, there may be some long lasting damage, she may have hearing or eyesight troubles, or she might be absolutely fine, we'll only be able to tell for sure once she's older. What I will tell you though is that we sent a baby home about three weeks ago, he was small, but other than that he had no problems what so ever. He was born at 23 weeks and 5 days gestation. Your little one had an extra 8 weeks, they can only work in her favour."
"Okay" Rachel whispered softly.
"Would you like to see her?" the doctor asked.
Rachel shook her head, "No, not, not yet. But please, let my dad's see her when they want."
The doctor nodded, "I'll make sure the nurses know. And I understand that this is hard for you Rachel, but I'm sure that little one would love to hear your voice, she'll recognise you" he explained, "but as soon as you're ready. . ." he stood from his seat, squeezing Rachel's shoulder and shaking Hiram's hand. "Any questions Rachel, just ask a nurse to page me."
"Thank you" Rachel sighed as the doctor left the room.
"Are you sure you don't want to go and see her Rachel?" Hiram asked, "I could ask if I can take you down if you'd rather?"
Rachel shook her head, "you can go, if you want."
"Are you sure?" Hiram asked, reluctant to leave Rachel.
"Yeah" she tried to sound sure, "I think I'm going to try to sleep for a while."
"Okay" Hiram helped Rachel get comfortable in the bed before kissing her forehead, "sweet dreams Ray-ray" he whispered leaving the room.
Rachel managed to fall into a restless slumber, only waking as the sunlight began to stream through the blinds. She winced as she rolled over in the bed, her whole body ached, she reached out for the small Polaroid the doctor had bought her the previous night, stroking her fingers over the image of her child, she was the tiniest thing Rachel had ever seen, but she was perfectly formed, her lightly tanned skin half hidden by masses of wires and tubes, dark hair poking out from under the pink hat. She was simply beautiful and Rachel knew she'd never love anyone the way she loved this little girl.
Rachel's fathers paused outside her room as they heard their daughter sing for the first time in longer than they cared to remember, 'I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed, but life has killed the dream I dreamed' They sighed as they heard their daughter's voice break into sobs, "Oh Ray-ray" Hiram sighed, "where did it all go wrong?"