This is not the dream I dreamed - Rachel faces up to the fact that her Broadway career could be over before it had chance to begin.
Rating - T
Character - Rachel [and her fathers]
A/N - Reviews/concrit are loved, and if there's anything you'd like to see happen the let me know and I'll try my best to work it in somehow.I'm from the UK, so if anything American is not quite right, please let me know and I'll fix it.
[Lyrics in italics from 'Brave' from Idina Menzel]
"Morning Ray-ray" Hiram smiled as he walked into Rachel's room, Leroy not far behind his husband.
"How are you?" Leroy asked, dropping to sit on the bed, it had now been almost a week since Rachel had given birth and she had yet to meet her tiny daughter. Hiram had wanted to keep asking her to see the baby, but Leroy said no, he knew Rachel would see her when she was ready.
"I'm okay" she said vaguely, "I erm, I think I've chosen a name" Rachel gestured to the baby name book that Hiram had bought her, desperate to take the subject away from how she was feeling.
"Oh?" Leroy smiled, "are you going to tell us what you're calling her then?" he asked. "Or do we have to guess?"
"Lyla" Rachel whispered, not wanting her fathers to disapprove. They'd already told her that they would be there to give their advice and opinions, but made it clear that they wouldn't make decisions for her, and they would never force her to change her mind. Even so Rachel still wanted to know that they approved.
"Lyla" Hiram smiled.
"My little Lylaberry. I like it" Leroy grinned. "It's better than my suggestions" he laughed, having unhelpfully already having suggested Blue, Straw and Goose, amongst others as possibilities of names for 'Baby Berry'
"Is there any reason you chose Lyla?" Hiram asked, sitting on the bed and flicking through the name book.
Rachel nodded and reached for the small picture of her daughter, "Her hair." She stated, "it's the first thing I noticed about her."
"Aha." Hiram grinned, "Lyla, Persian, Dark haired beauty. Rachel" he began, tearing up, "I, I don't. . ."
Leroy squeezed his husband's hand, "what your daddy is trying to say, is that Lyla is a beautiful name." He paused for a moment. "Would you like to come and tell her her name?"
Rachel looked unsure, "I don't. . .I can't. . ." She couldn't tell her fathers that she was scared of meeting her daughter. She was terrified of falling in love with the tiny girl only for her to be cruelly snatched away. "I'm scared" she whispered.
"Oh Sunshine" Leroy pulled his daughter into a hug knowing exactly what she meant, "the doctors say she's doing really well, she's only 5 days old but she's put on 2 ounces already."
Rachel nodded, "and look who her mommy is" Hiram smiled, "she's a fighter, it's in her blood."
"Okay?" she whispered.
"Okay?" Leroy repeated.
"Okay." Rachel nodded, "I'll see her."
"She's yellow" Rachel stated as she sat cautiously in a chair by Lyla's incubator.
"It's jaundice" A nurse told her helpfully, "it's really common in preemies, when our blood cells die they make something called bilirubin" she explained "usually it happens at a rate our livers can cope with, so we don't get jaundice, but she's producing more than her liver can cope with, so we've put her under these lights" she gestured towards the lights in the incubator, "they'll help her out until her liver can cope on its own"
Rachel nodded slightly, "thanks" she whispered, not taking her eyes from the baby.
"It's okay" the nurse smiled, "I'm Katie" she told Rachel.
"Rachel"
"I know it's scary for you Rachel, and the paediatrician will be in shortly to explain everything, but if you need anything or if you have any questions just give me a shout" she smiled as she left Rachel to bond with her daughter.
The paediatrician came to speak to Rachel not long after she'd arrived, he'd told her the functions of the various machines surrounding the tiny baby, and echoed Leroy's comments on how well she was doing. "When, I mean, if everything stays okay, when can I take her home?" she asked
"Like many other things I can't give you a set date as to when she'll be well enough to go home" the doctor explained "but preemies are usually well enough to go home around their due date. I think the earliest we've ever had a preemie as early as your daughter go home, as far as I can remember, was around the time that they'd have been 37 weeks."
Rachel nodded, "Lyla" she corrected him, "her name's Lyla, Lyla Faith Berry."
"Lyla" the doctor repeated smiling slightly, "I'll let the nurses know. And if there's anything else, just get one of them to give me a call." He squeezed Rachel's shoulder reassuringly before leaving.
"Hi" Rachel turned to find a woman about her age stood beside her. "She's a beautiful little thing" she gestured to Lyla. "I'm Hannah by the way."
Rachel smiled, "I'm Rachel, and this is Lyla."
Hannah smiled, "It's a lovely name, that's my Charlie" she gestured to another incubator a few feet away, "how far along were you when she was born?" Hannah slipped into the chair beside Rachel.
"31 weeks and 4 days. You?"
"25 weeks exactly, and he's 7 weeks old now, we'd probably have been due about the same time." Rachel nodded, Hannah seemed friendly, Rachel only wished that they'd met under better circumstances, both of them having healthy newborns in the nursery opposed to sick preemies fighting for their lives in the neo natal intensive care unit. "I just wanted to say that if you need anything, or if you want to chat to someone who knows what it's like, then me or my husband Tom are always here."
"Thank you."
"I don't want to seem nosy, but I've seen two men coming to visit Lyla a lot . . . "
"They're my fathers" Rachel explained. "I told them to go and get some rest.
"They seem like good men" Hannah told her, "it's good to have someone to lean on, and like I said, if you need me. . . "
"Thanks" Rachel sighed sadly
"Chin up" Hannah told her, "wait until you get to hold her for the first time. It's the most amazing thing in the world." Rachel nodded and thanked Hannah again before she went back to her son.
Rachel sighed again as she reached a hand into the incubator, hoping her daughter knew she was there. The doctors had told her to talk to her, that she'd recognise her voice from when she was in the womb. They said that the tiny baby would be reassured by her mother's voice. Rachel didn't know what to say to her daughter, instead beginning to sing softly to the infant. 'Don't know just where I'm going, and tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming. And the air is cold, and I'm not the same anymore. I've been running in your direction for too long now, I've lost my own reflection and I can't look down if you're not there to catch me when I fall.' Rachel's voice quivered, as much as she'd not wanted to be a mother at 19, she was terrified that she'd end up going back to Lima without her daughter. 'If this is the moment I stand here on my own, if this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home, I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave'