This is not the dream I dreamed - Rachel faces up to the fact that her Broadway career could be over before it had chance to begin.
Rating - T
Character -Rachel (Also features her fathers, Finn, Will, Shelby, Beth and others)
A/N - Reviews/concrit are loved, and if there's anything you'd like to see happen the let me know and I'll try my best to work it in somehow.I'm from the UK, so if anything American is not quite right, please let me know and I'll fix it.
Sorry for the delay in updating but things in real life haven't been too great and I haven't been in the mood for writing but here's an extra long piece to hopefully make up for that.
Rachel woke the next morning to find herself alone in the guest bedroom. She crept down the hall and found Lyla's cot and Beth's bed empty, her fathers weren't in their room and as she glanced out of the master bedroom window she noticed her car was the only one on the drive. She sighed as she climbed back into the guest bedroom, curling her knees to her chest as she clung tightly to the pillow her mother had laid on just hours earlier, her scent still fresh on the soft fabric. If Rachel closed her eyes she could almost believe she was cuddled up to the woman herself but she wasn't, she was alone. She'd known all along that it was only a matter of time until everyone left her. Finn had already gone and now her parents had left her too and they'd even taken her daughter, not that she blamed them she knew she'd been a terrible mother lately.
She pulled herself to her feet and slowly walked into the bathroom, "you're a mess" she spat at the mirror on the wall "it's no wonder nobody wants to be near you" she told her reflection before reaching out to the cupboard on the wall. She sighed, she knew she'd promised Shelby that she'd speak to her if she ever thought about doing anything like that again but Shelby had promised she'd never leave again and she had. Slowly Rachel left the bathroom, she took her phone from her bedroom before once again curling into what was now Shelby's bed. She dialed the familiar number and was surprised to find tears spilling from her eyes when Shelby didn't answer and her call went to voicemail, "Mom" she tried to hide the quiver in her voice, "it's me, Rachel, I, I" she shook her head, "never mind" she whispered before hanging up and allowing the tears to fall from her eyes.
"Rach, I'm back are you up yet?" Shelby called quietly, not wanting to wake the girl if she was still sleeping. "Sorry I missed your call, I was driving, is everything okay?." She walked into the bedroom to find Rachel sobbing into the pillows, "Rach" she sat beside her on the bed, "baby what's wrong?" She began to rub Rachel's back and was surprised when Rachel pulled away. "Rachel."
"You left, you promised me you'd never leave again but you did and then I called you because I needed you and you didn't answer."
"Oh baby" Shelby laid on the bed and pulled Rachel towards her, not allowing the girl to pull away, "I didn't leave, I had to take Beth to school, I thought you'd still be sleeping when I got back, but I left you a note." She reached over the shaking girl to retrieve a folded sheet of paper from the night stand.
Rachel sniffed and accepted the paper, unfolding it and reading the words in Shelby's tidy script, 'Rach, it's 8.30 and I'm going to take Beth to school, I'm going back to my house to get some more clothes and check the mail but I shouldn't be longer than an hour' Rachel glanced at the clock, it was now 9.24. 'Hiram and Leroy are taking Lyla our for the day and they're going to fetch Beth from school this afternoon so we can spend the day together, I thought we could go to the spa but it's entirely up to you. I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful and I thought after last night you could do with the rest. All my love Mom xx'
"I didn't see it." Rachel confessed.
"I guessed as much" Shelby said softly, reaching for the tissues by the bed before wiping at Rachel's tears, "if I could do anything to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere I would. I wish I could Rachel, I hate seeing you like this because of what I've done."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise baby. I'll tell you what I told your dad, if I was planning on walking out and leaving you I wouldn't have sped over here last Friday getting who knows how many tickets because you needed me. I love you Rach and I'll be here, in this house for as long as you need me, and even when Beth and I leave I'm still going to be there for you Rach whenever you need me I'll be there. I know I didn't answer when you called but I was on my way back, I thought It would be quicker for me to come home than it would be to pull over and call you back."
"I'm sorry."
"I've told you, you don't need to apologise to me , now let's dry your eyes and decide what we're going to do with our child free day" she smiled wiping again at Rachel's eyes, "I thought we could go to the spa, get a manicure and pedicure, maybe a massage. You said you'd not had time to have your hair cut since before Lyla was born. We could do that too. Or we could go to the mall, go shopping, grab some lunch, see a movie. Whatever you want as long as it gets you out of the house."
"Do you think we could go to the spa and the mall?" she asked quietly
Shelby smiled and brushed some hair back from Rachel's face before kissing her forehead, "the sooner you get dressed the more time we'll have to do whatever you want."
Rachel showered quickly and dressed in loose grey sweat pants and a black tank top, "I'm ready" she knocked on Shelby's door to find her mother in an almost identical outfit only Shelby's sweat pants were black and her tank top blue.
They both had a full body massage almost as soon as they got to the spa, and as Rachel stood from the bed after their hour was up Shelby could have sworn her daughter was two feet taller, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from the young girls shoulders. Shelby then accompanied her daughter to the hairdressers where Rachel's long hair became shoulder length with several shorter layers framing her face. Rachel had considered asking for a fringe similar to the one she had in high school but was worried she wouldn't have time to style them each morning so she took Shelby's advice and opted for a long sweeping fringe which complemented her new hairstyle perfectly. "What do you think?" she asked Shelby once the last piece of hair had been straightened.
"You look amazing" Shelby told her, "it really suits you Rach"
"What about you?" the hairdresser asked, "are both sisters having their hair cut?"
Rachel and Shelby both laughed, "I'm not her. . ."
"She's my mom" Shelby and Rachel spoke at the same time.
"Oh, I'm sorry" the hairdresser apologised but Shelby held up her hand to stop him
"Don't be, I'm flattered" she smiled, "but I'm not. . ."
"Please mom" Rachel begged, "even if it's just a trim, they massage your scalp when they wash your hair and it feels amazing."
Shelby knew at that moment exactly how Hiram and Leroy had felt since Rachel was born, there was no way you could say no to her, "okay" she nodded to the hairdresser, "just a trim."
An hour later Shelby and Rachel left the hair dressers and made their way to the second floor of the spa to the nail salon. "What colour are you having mom?" Rachel asked as she had her nails filed.
"I don't know" Shelby smiled to Rachel as she too had her nails filed, "why?"
Rachel blushed and dipped her head, "I was kinda hoping we could get the same, I mean it doesn't have to be the same shade, but. .."
"Rachel look at me" Shelby said firmly and Rachel lifted her head slowly, "today is your day, if you want us to get the same colour nails we can get the same colour nails okay."
Rachel nodded, "thanks Mom."
"It's okay, and Rach?"
"Yes Mom?"
"I think I'm going for purple" she grinned.
It was almost three pm when Shelby and Rachel left the spa and Rachel's stomach growled loudly as she climbed into the car, Shelby laughed, "I guess we should get something to eat before we go shopping. I know a great little tapas place not far from here, they do loads of vegetarian dishes" Shelby knew Rachel had started eating dairy whilst she was pregnant with Lyla, "is that okay or would you rather grab something at the mall?"
"Tapas sounds great" Rachel smiled and Shelby had to admit, Rachel already looked a lot more like the Rachel she used to know.
Rachel and Shelby returned to the house just after six pm, laughing and giggling as they struggled to carry all the bags from the car. Hiram was the first to see them, "Rachel, look at you" he gasped, "you look amazing. Look at all those bags, I hope you used my credit card."
"Don't worry about it" Shelby grinned as she collapsed onto the sofa, "I've got almost twenty years to make up for, I've got this."
"Hiram, why didn't you tell us we had guests?" Leroy strolled into the room with Lyla on his hip, "aren't you going to introduce me to these beautiful ladies?"
"Da-ad" Rachel giggled sitting beside Shelby
"Dad, I don't know what you mean" Leroy grinned, "you're far to beautiful to have come from me." Rachel giggled again, "seriously Rach, you look so much better. Have you had a good day?"
Rachel nodded and took Lyla from Leroy, "Yeah" she smiled, "we went to the spa, we had a massage and a manicure and pedicure." She held out her fingers for her fathers to see.
"And a hair cut" Shelby added
"and a hair cut" Rachel repeated, "then Shelby took me to a tapas restaurant, it was honestly one of the best things I've ever eaten! And then we went to the mall."
Leroy smiled, he too could see the old Rachel coming back, "I can see that" he took in all the bags on the floor, "and at which point of the day did Shelby realise she'd need to remortgage her house?" he asked before kissing Rachel's head, "I'm glad you had a good day Sunshine."
"Where's Beth?" Shelby asked "has she been okay?"
"She's been fine, she's upstairs watching a dvd in Rachel's room. Dinner will be half an hour. Now if you'll excuse me I better go make sure it doesn't burn." Leroy smiled as he turned and left the room.
Rachel knocked on Shelby's door later that evening, entering when Shelby said she could to find her mother sat in bed reading a book, "Hey" Shelby smiled, "you didn't need to knock."
"I didn't know if you were getting changed or something." Rachel hovered by the door.
Shelby shook her head, "I always get changed in the bathroom, force of habit, Beth never knocks." She pulled back the covers and patted the space beside her smiling as Rachel joined her in the bed, "what's wrong?"
"What makes you think anything is wrong?" Rachel asked as she began to play with the edge of the blanket.
"Nothing" Shelby placed her hands over Rachel's, "I just assumed you'd come for a reason, but I could be wrong, you might just have come to spend some time with your old mom".
"I feel bad sometimes" Rachel admitted, "you know, that I feel more comfortable talking to you about stuff than my dads."
"Don't Shelby told Rachel, "I spoke with your dad the morning after you were taken into hospital, "he agreed with me that if you felt like you could talk to at least one of us then that was fine, it's only when you feel like you can't talk to any of us that things are 'bad'. You're lucky Rach, there are some people out there who don't have any parents who care about them, you've got three parents who would give the world to see you happy, and we're here for you as a team but as individuals too, your dads don't mind if you tell me something you don't tell them and I don't mind if you feel like there's something you can talk to your fathers about but you can't talk to me about. As long as you're not bottling it up then that's fine. And I promise you Rachel, unless you explicitly ask me to, I will never talk to your fathers about anything you tell me, unless of course you tell me you've hurt yourself again and I need to get you to the hospital or something okay?"
Rachel nodded, "I just wish you'd been there when, I know this sounds horrible but I wish you had been there when two dads just weren't enough. I was thirteen when I got my first period, I woke up and there was blood everywhere, I ran downstairs screaming because I thought I was dying, daddy had already gone to work and dad gave me a wash cloth while he went to the store. He had no idea what he was doing, he told me a few years later he grabbed the first pack he saw, I felt like I was wearing a diaper. My dads made an agreement with Mrs Puckerman, she told me about the birds and the bees, and they spoke to Noah."
"Tell me Rachel" Shelby said softly, "I know it wont make up for the fact that I wasn't there but I'd like you to tell me, there might still be things I can help with."
"When I lost my, the first time I slept with someone. It was the summer after Beth was born, Noah and I, my fathers were away for the weekend, we'd talked about it, he'd said he'd use condoms but I wanted to go on birth control too but I knew my dads would go crazy if I asked them to take me and they'd want to know why I'd been to the doctor when they saw the visit on their insurance. Noah was so sweet, I don't regret it at all but I spent the whole time freaking out that the condom would rip and I'd end up being Quinn 2.0. I burst into tears afterwards and told Noah. He calmed me down and drove me to a pharmacy in the next town so I could get the morning after pill without seeing anyone we knew. Maybe I'd have been too scared to ask you about getting the pill, but I still think if you'd have been here, if I could have had an adult on my side to argue that at least Noah and I were taking precautions, I might have been able to enjoy it more than I did."
Shelby sighed and kissed Rachel's head, "did you ever go to the doctor?"
Rachel shook her head, "if I had then I probably wouldn't have Lyla."
"If you still want to go. Or if you ever want me to come to the doctor with you about anything then I will."
"There's not really any point getting it now is there?" she sighed sadly.
Shelby shrugged, "that's completely up to you darling, it's always good to be prepared, and this might be too much information but you want to talk about these mother daughter things, when I took it it made my periods a lot lighter and I didn't seem to cramp as much."
Rachel smiled, "thank you, and maybe when I'm done with breastfeeding we could look into it?"
"Whenever you're ready baby, whenever you're ready."
"I wish you'd been there when I was pregnant." Rachel whispered after a moments silence, I mean not just when I found out, but when I was craving really random combinations of food, I guess I wanted you to tell me what it was like when you were having me, I wondered if we had the same cravings, I wanted to hear about the first time you felt that tiny little flutter. I wanted to be able to call you to tell you that my belly button had popped out and I couldn't fit into regular jeans any more."
"Oreos and orange juice" Shelby interrupted, "the first craving I had when I was expecting you. I had to dip oreos in orange juice til they were almost soggy before I could eat them. Then the smell of oranges made me want to throw up and I ate bag after bag of salt and vinegar crisps. I ate a lot of apples too, lots and lots of apples, I tried dipping oreos in apple juice one time but it just wasn't the same."
"I craved ice cream" Rachel told her, "I didn't care what flavour just as long as it wasn't vegan, sometimes I mixed weird things in with it like cheetos, but that never lasted long. I'm surprised I wasn't the size of a house with the amount of ice cream I ate!"
Shelby smiled, "can I tell you a story?" she asked and Rachel nodded slowly, "I don't want you to tell your dads, or Beth when she's older, we keep this between the two of us okay?"
Rachel nodded, she'd noticed a change in Shelby's voice, "okay".
"When we met again, the night I watched Lyla while you had dinner with Finn, you asked how I could have given you up so easily." Shelby sighed and took a deep breath, she hadn't spoken about this since it happened, "it wasn't as easy as you might think. I got really bad post natal depression Rachel, I missed you so much it physically hurt. I spent days at a time locked in my room not wanting to go out because I knew every time I saw a baby I'd see you. I felt so empty Rachel, I loved you so much I felt like my heart had been ripped out and taken away from me the day you were born, it got so bad that I thought" Shelby paused to wipe at her eyes, "I thought that you were the only thing I wanted and if I didn't have you then there was no point in being here any more so I. . ." Shelby hoped Rachel understood what she meant
"You?"
"Yeah" Shelby nodded pushing up her sleeve and running her fingers over the jagged scar. It had faded over time and you'd only notice it was there if you were looking for it but Rachel felt her heart ache for her mother.
"Why didn't you. . .what happened?" Rachel didn't want to push Shelby but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, she wanted to hear how Shelby had survived.
"I realised how stupid it was, I thought about you, I imagined you trying to find me when you were eighteen only to be told I'd killed myself when you were a few weeks old, and I realised that if you wanted to find me I wanted to be around for you to find, so I did whet you did and I called my mom. She told me in no uncertain terms that i had eighteen years to pull myself from rock bottom and make myself into a woman that you'd be proud to call your mom and that's what I did, well what I tried to do, I kinda messed it up when you were about sixteen right?"
Rachel shook her head, "I think I understand now, you spent sixteen years longing for the baby you'd given away, it must have been hard for you seeing me after all that time."
"I missed so much Rachel" Shelby wiped at her eyes, "I'll never forgive myself for not being there."
Rachel reached out and wiped her mother's tears away before kissing her damp cheeks, "you were there, last week, I needed you and you were there, no questions asked you were there Mom. Let's forget everything else and just remember that, and if we're being honest then I should tell you that this morning I thought" Rachel shook her head. "It's stupid."
Shelby squeezed Rachel's shoulder, "I'm not going to force you to talk to me Rachel but if you can't talk to me I want you to try talking to one of your fathers."
"I thought everyone had left me" Rachel admitted, "I thought you'd all realised how much I'd messed things up and you'd all left, I thought... I tried ringing you but you didn't pick up."
"Rachel" Shelby said firmly, "did you do anything?"
Rachel shook her head, "I came in here to call you, I thought if I distanced myself I'd be okay. When you didn't pick up I, I just cried."
Shelby sighed, "Oh baby" she pulled Rachel to sit on her lap "I'm so sorry I didn't pick up but I was three streets away I thought it would be quicker and easier to come straight home and speak to you face to face than to pull over and call you back. I wish so much that I could do something, anything to make you realise I'm not going to walk out on you ever again, but I'll promise you one thing okay?" Rachel nodded, "I'll be leaving the house every day at around 8.30 to take Beth to school, most days I'll be back for 9 but maybe once a week I'm going to go back to my house to get the mail and stuff so that will take a bit longer, but I promise that any time your fathers and I all leave the house while you're sleeping I will leave a note by the bed you've slept in to tell you where I've gone and when I'll be home okay?"
Rachel nodded, "I'm sorry"
"No." Shelby's voice was firm, "you do not apologise for anything." Rachel was silent for a while and Shelby could tell she was thinking about something, "what's going on in there?" Shelby tapped Rachel's temple softly.
"Would you mind if I called Will to talk about Lyla? I don't want a relationship or anything I just want to give him the chance to see Lyla if he wants to."
"You do what you think is best for you and Lyla, I'm okay with anything that makes the both of you happy."
"Thanks" Rachel nodded, "I love you mom" she whispered quietly.
Shelby smiled and kissed Rachel's temple, "I love you too baby, would you like to sleep in here again tonight?"
Rachel nodded, "if that's okay?"
"Come on" Shelby slid down the bed and gestured for Rachel to do the same, "I've got almost twenty years of cuddles to catch up on" she smiled pulling Rachel into her arms and holding her tightly.
There was a gentle tap on Shelby's door almost an hour later, "Yeah" she called softly not wanting to wake Rachel.
"Ah" Leroy smiled seeing Rachel curled into Shelby, her head on her mothers chest, her arms around her mother's waist. "We always look in on Rachel before we go to bed, we always have" he explained, "her bed was empty, I was going to ask if you knew where she was but you obviously do."
"Yeah" Shelby smiled and ran her hand through Rachel's hair, "I do."
"Is everything okay?" Leroy asked from the doorway.
Shelby nodded, "We had a bit of a heart to heart earlier, I think she's going to be just fine."