"I said this world was absurd, but I was too hasty. This world in itself is not reasonable, that is all that can be said. But what is absurd is the confrontation of this irrational and the wild longing for clarity whose call echoes in the human heart." -Albert Camus, "The Myth of Sisyphus"

From the view out my window I could see him, walking around the lake, looking down at his shoes. He always used to do that when we were little. Whenever he felt embarrassed or scared, he would divert his eyes down. It aggravated me, the little things that were still the same, when everything else was so different. The truth is, I missed him like crazy. No matter how odd he had been at times, and how much I hated his friend, there was a part of me that needed him. And now that part was gone, a gaping hole right in the center of me. Right now, I felt like I hated everyone. I didn't, of course, Alice and Marlene and Mary were amazing, they had brought her up breakfast only hours before. But it was easy to overlook the good people in order to mourn the bad ones.

I had never been like this before, I had always managed to get up after I fell. I had plenty of awful weeks before (many Potter-related), but I always looked on the bright side. Today, with the dark skies and cold air, the bright side seemed far far away, unreachable. I was preoccupied by other things as well, besides my boy troubles; I hadn't received my letter from mother yet. Mother was one of those perpetually punctual people that if her schedule was even a tiny bit off would flip out. I always got her letters on Saturday mornings, every Saturday for the last six years. I ran through all the things that could have gone wrong, and caused her to be delayed in responding. She could be sick, or Dad could be sick, or something awful could have happened to Tuny and I never would have made up with her. Homesickness, which I hadn't felt intensely, was rushing over me. Soon enough, I was crying. I never cried, I hadn't in years.

Now I cried not for any one thing in particular, but for everything bad that had happened to every person, and everything I was worrying about. I cried for Sev and James and Marlene's family, who she perpetually worried about, they were all in the order. I cried for my parents, who weren't as young as they used to be. I cried for Frank, who was going through Auror training and who sweet little Alice tried, and failed, to hide her worry for. It was a tough time to be an Auror. Truth be told, it was a tough time to be alive at all. Voldemort. The name set a shiver through my spine. He had been around for a while, but now things were getting really serious. What was going to happen to me? I pulled my covers over me and tried to calm down. However hard I tried, I couldn't stop myself from screwing up my face as tears leaked out every time another awful thought came. It all seemed so pointless sometimes. I lied there for what seemed like hours, my tears drying on my face.

I heard the dormitory door slam open. I lied under my covers apprehensively. "Lils, are you okay?" it was Alice, calming me down immediately. Her motherly voice was always soothing.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My voice was muffled by the covers.

"You aren't though." She said. "I can tell. You don't have to tell me what's wrong; I don't need to put you through explaining it to someone else when you can barely explain it to yourself."

I didn't move.

"I know you feel weak that you are crying. You see other people and say, they have worse problems than me. But truth is, it doesn't matter. You have problems, sometimes you barely know what they are. Just remember it is okay to get upset over them."

I let the impact of her words hit me. She always knew exactly what to say. I wish I was the same.

"Thanks." I said, sitting up.

Alice looked like there was something else she wanted to say, but didn't have the courage.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, I was just wondering, no, but it's not the time." She stopped suddenly.

"C'mon. I'm fine now. What do you want to know?"

She smiled slyly. "Just, why. With James. Why won't you go out with him? He's crazy about you. I've never seen any guy look at anyone girl like he looks at you."

This question took me by surprise. We had talked about this before.

"I've told you. He's an arrogant scumbag, and doesn't care about anybody but himself. You know, you agree with me. Don't you?" Why was this coming up all of a sudden?

"It's just today, at breakfast, he came up to me and asked me if you are okay. He looked sincere. I've never seen him care about another person like that, aside from his mauruader friends or whatever. I just think you need to find out why."

"Why, what?"

"Why he cares so much about you. You know his gang, they chase different girls every day. Sirius, his best friend, shags another girl every other night. For him, Why has it been you, all this time? Not that you aren't absolutely amazing and everything, but there must be something else besides the fact you are pretty and smart and hard to get."

Truthfully, I had never thought of this before. I tried not to give James Potter more thought then was necessary. Why did he keep going after me? If I was going to guess, I would think James Potter would be the kind of guy who needed a daft girl with him all the time, not a girl like me. Why, even after I told him a million times I would never go out with him, did he continue pursuing me?

"You have a fair point." I said, sitting taller, and looking at Alice.

She smiled her amazing motherly smile. "I just think you aren't giving him enough of a chance. He was friends with Frank before he graduated. Frank thought highly of him." She blushed slightly at the mention of Frank, but kept going. "Mary and Marlene agree, even he deserves a chance to explain himself."

I smiled. "Marlene probably only agreed because if I go out with James she would have a clear path to Sirius."

Alice laughed, "Maybe, but she has her heart in the right spot. She wants what is best for you. We all do."

I was struck by this, and I sat for a while thinking about how I lucked out getting such great friends. "Thank you. So, so so much. I love you guys." I stood up and gave Alice a hug.

"So, will you talk to him?"

I thought about it, it was true that even James Potter should get the chance to explain himself. Not that giving people a chance to explain themselves had worked out in the past.. Now the thought of Sev brought me back to the dark place. What would he think, when he found out I was about to initiate contact with Potter, and attempt to have an actual conversation with him?

I will not think about Sev, I thought. It doesn't matter what he thinks, he is out of my life. However, as much as I thought this, it would never be fully true. I would never be really free of him.

"Oh Lily Evans, Why do you do this to me?" thought James, from his perch under the beech tree on the edge of the lake. He had hidden himself behind the tree, so nobody in the castle could see him there. He was alone, for the first time in a long time, because Sirius had detention by himself, and Wormtail and Moony were studying in the library. He watched the rippling water, and the clouds quickly moving in the sky, hoping they would somehow divulge their secrets to him, so he could go on with his usual life as the carefree troublemaker king-of-the-school unburdened by all these things he was feeling. It was so damn hard sometimes, loving this girl, not knowing completely why, and not knowing why she refused to even speak to him. What was he supposed to do?

He sat alone for a while, but then he heard the scuffling of feet on the ground. Hoping it wasn't a gang of girls that often came after him, he turned his head.

"Hey, Prongs, you okay?" It was Remus, alone and covered by a giant coat.

"Um, yeah, thanks Moony." He tried to manage a small smile.

"C'mon James, you can't fool a fellow marauder. I know there is something wrong. Or two things, because of your parents. "

"My parents, yeah. I guess we can just assume they are always a problem." James tried to laugh, but it came out more like a groan.

"Hey, I don't blame you. Having parents that are top-notch Aurors, it must be scary. Believe me, I understand. Constant danger."

"Hey, you have worse problems. Your parents have been personal enemies of Fenrir Greyback, their lives aren't even risk free either. I shouldn't complain my parents always come home." said James quietly.

Both of them let that statement sit in the air. James hadn't meant to say it, thanking God silently that Wormtail hadn't been around to hear it.

"Just because other people have problems, doesn't mean you can't. Anyways, I came down here for a reason. What is really going on?"
James didn't really know how to answer that question.

"Well, Lily." He said. "It's just so frustrating, what I feel for her. It's so strong and so amazing, but also stinks, you know? Here are you all, having fun with girls, and here is me, the only girl I would ever want to fool around with hating my guts. I'm just not used to so many feelings, I guess. It's just everything about her, she is so fucking perfect. And then there's me, the big arrogant Quidditch guy who everyone loves, while the only girl I care about loving me back is way too good for me. I just feel so trapped in feelings. I just don't understand why it can't just all make sense for once."

Remus looked at James for a very long time, and then sighed. "I don't think that's weird. I think it's beautiful. Everyone wants to be in love like that, and you are. She'll come round someday. Just keep trying."

For some reason, when Remus said that, James took it to heart.

"Yeah, I won't give up." He said grinning. "I'm going to think up something wicked romantic and then she'll have to say yes. I'm going to go get my broom. I always am amazed at my own brilliant thoughts when I play Quidditch."

Remus smiled. Old James was back.