Well, I'm fucked.

I think I can officially say that and actually, for the first time, mean it. I am, beyond a shadow of doubt, incredibly fucked.

And I think it's alarming that I should say that. Over my very short lifespan, I had been in very many precarious situations and and some even odder than imaginable, and yet, in all those times, I breezed through like it was nothing. Because, I had learned that odd things are normal, and normal things are odd.

That's just the kind of life I lived, that's what I was forced to learn at a very young age.

But this...what is currently happening right now...this took the cake.

A shadow loomed over me, and I hated that I had to stare up at it even though I was elevated to a height my own two feet couldn't reach.

She was beautiful, that much was obvious. Her golden blonde hair trailed down her shoulders in attractive curls, a warm motherly smile on her pearl white teeth...

Bet you're asking yourself when I got all poetic and good with words, huh?

All I can say is, desperate times man.

Anyway, she was holding a baby's milk bottle, don't know the term for that until now that it constantly bothers me since I really don't know how to address it.

"Awwww, is baby Phillip awake?"

If I could, my left eyebrow would have twitched in annoyance, but since I had very limited control over my body movements, all I managed was to look away from her nun outfit to the bottle, thought I doubt that made it clear just how irritated I was at that name.

My name is not Phillip. It's Percy, short for Perseus Jackson. Get it right assholes!

But of course, they couldn't get it right because there was no one to tell them of my true identity. I can't tell them my true name since, as you've already guessed, I am a Freakin baby!

How?

No idea.

Elaborate prank by some psychotic divine being seems to be the most accurate guess. If it is, they're still not done having fun since it's been three weeks of this madness and I'm still at it.

The main question that's been on my mind is...why me?

I mean, sure, I have an extensive record on pissing off the assholes in the clouds, but that's because they've been happily pissing me off in the first place, so the casual annoyances should just cancel each other out. Besides, haven't I risked my life countless times, over and over just to save those damned Olympians?

My last memory was of sacrificing my life to helping them. I was fighting hell itself and it's forces, trying to give Olympus a winning chance against the personification of the Earth itself, then all of a sudden, I'm waking up to an extreme bout of fatigue without any limb or bowel control and the incredible urge to drink breast milk.

Now, here I am, about to be baby fed. The situation has slightly improved over the last three weeks since now I could partially move one of my hand, but the distance is only three centimeters. Call it whatever you want, I call that progress.

"Is baby Phillip hungry?"

I wanted to shout " Hell yeah I am!" but all that managed to come out was a very weak " eee"

Still, that should have expressed the urgency of my hunger to her. She should have immediately grabbed me and my pathetic self and proceeded to clamp the bottle into mouth and had me chug it until I passed out.

Instead, she took out her crucifix necklace and proceeded to mumble a long string of prayers, starting with the Lord's prayer, followed by the Grace and a whole bunch of others I had no idea about. I was downright mad by the time she was done and I was pretty sure that my face showed it since I was wailing louder than an ambulance, but that didn't deter her from her prayers. Had to admit, I kind of respected her devotion to the big guy upstairs. If only she knew he didn't exist.

A metaphysical idea...or something along those lines ,was what Chiron said. I wanted to tell her but, you've already guessed how well that would go. Anyway, what you don't know won't hurt you, as I always say.

"Alright, let's get this chubby wubby baby fed, okay?"

She then proceeded to lift me up and place me so that I fit snuggly in her arm before she placed the bottle in my mouth where I proceeded to ignore all table manners, not that there was a table to begin with, and chug the whole bottle down till there wasn't a drop left.

"Oh, seems you were hungry." she said. I let out another embarrassing yet expressing wail" alrighty then, let's go get you another bottle."

We left the room full of still sleeping babies and walked down to... wherever they prepared baby milk from. Before we made it, we were intercepted by someone.

"I certainly hope you're not trying to elope with that young one, Sister Pricilla?" The voice sounded aged and even though curiosity burnt within me so badly, I couldn't move my neck to have a look at who it is. According to Sister Pricilla's expression of awe and a little bit of attraction, he, definitely male, was someone important enough to charm a nun.

Though I failed to see anything attractive about him the moment he came to sight. He was a priest, that much was obvious from the robes he had. He was wearing this bowl-like cap on his head that made his hair stick out from the sides of his head like a clown. He wore tiny circular glasses that rested atop his bulbous nose and he had this weird , tiny, Sharp pointed moustache that stuck out to the sides.

The stuff of nightmares.

Though, it was that mad gleam in his eyes that made me shiver, and I think Sister Pricilla felt it, since she glanced down at me.

"Oh, I would never even dream of it Father Valper." she said looking back at him, a shy smile on his face" he was just hungry. He finished his bottle and was crying for another one. I didn't want him waking the rest so I took him with me."

"And what is this young one's name?" Father Valper asked. Now that I think about it, I had definitely seen this guy around on few occasions, but usually I was so sleepy I couldn't even breath properly. Why are babies always so freaking tired.

" He is called Phillip. An Orphan the program rescued from one of the local hospitals. The exorcists confirmed they felt the presence of a sentient sacred gear within him, one they'd never felt before."

What the fuck was a sacred gear, why did I have one within me, and did the hospital staff really let exorcists have a look at a newly born baby?

"Oh, Interesting little guy isn't he?" Father Valper asked.

"Indeed he is. He's different from the rest." Sister Pricilla said.

"Oh, how so?"

I was also curious.

"Well, to start with, babies his age can't track moving objects with their eyes very well, but he can." To prove this, she placed her finger over my face and slowly moved it to the side and like the goofy baby I was, I followed it, before I remembered who I was and snapped back at her.

"Quick visual reactions." Father Valper said.

"And that's not the only thing."

"Go on."

"His sleeping habits differ from the rest. Like now, the others are sleeping while he's awake. Although that isn't out of the ordinary, it's what he does when he wakes up."

"Which is?"

"Nothing. He just sits there, staring into nothing until I or one of the other nuns does the routine checks, that's when he starts crying. Babies usually wake up hungry and impatient." she stopped explaining and looked at me" I don't know father, sometimes I feel as if he can understand me "

The glint in Valper's eyes became a flare when she said this, and this time, my body reacted to my thoughts. My hands moved up to block his vision from my eyes before I could throw up.

It was decided then and there by the council of Perseus' that I did not like this guy. Especially when he moved my hands so that he could look at me directly in the

eye.

"Well then, you'd better get brother Phillip here a large bottle of milk. We have big plans for him."

Obviously, that didn't sound ominous at all.