The funny thing is, Carlos doesn't seem to blame James, not in the slightest. He probably should have known that that's just not the way Carlos' mind works; he doesn't always need to look for someone to blame the way James does. Even so, the guilt is eating James up inside.
A week passes and Carlos gets strong enough to begin physical therapy. James knows that Carlos has a long and difficult road ahead of him and he doesn't envy him. When James gets to Carlos' room after his first session, he can see the exhaustion written all over his boyfriend's face. It was probably the easiest session Carlos is ever going to have but it's still taken so much out of him.
James tries to smile cheerfully, wants nothing more than to see Carlos smiling like that again. He's always been so full of life, full of energy and it's hard to see him lying there in bed with barely enough strength to hold his own cup of water. "It was so hard," he admits and James nods in understanding, but he doesn't understand really, he has no idea exactly what Carlos has to go through. "You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you," he tells him and it's true, Carlos is pretty much his hero right now because of what he has to go through.
Carlos offers a smile, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He turns his head to look at James. "I'm going to be in here for months," he says sadly and James practically falls out of his chair in surprise. "Why so long?" he asks, stunned. Carlos sighs, looks away momentarily. "I can't do anything for myself. I have to get stronger, work hard at learning to do simple things like transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair. I might regain some feeling in my legs," he says hopefully, eyes lighting up for just a moment before that light fades just as quickly as it came on.
"You will," James said firmly. "The doctor says it can still happen, it just might take some time while your body's trying to heal." He says these things to Carlos all the time, he just wishes he could believe his own words. In the back of his mind there's this fear that he's ruined Carlos for life. That because of him Carlos will have to spend the rest of his life like this.
"I can't even go to the bathroom on my own," Carlos grumbles, and James knows that's one of the hardest parts of all of this for him, the loss of dignity. Nothing is private anymore. Nurses have to do everything for him, and Carlos hates that. Hates that he can't feel anything below his hips. For a minute James lets his mind wander somewhere incredibly selfish, somewhere that seems pretty insignificant right now. Will they ever be able to have sex again? As soon as he thinks it he feels guilty. Carlos must know him better than he thinks. "We can't…you know. At least not now." He bites his lip, looking away from James and now James feels more than guilt, he feels like the biggest jerk on the planet.
"Hey, I don't care about that, "he says quickly and when he says it he realizes that it's true. Sure, their sex life has always been amazing and he loves that intimacy, loves getting to make love to him. And yeah, he's really, really going to miss it. But when he thinks about the big picture, when he thinks about the fact that he could have lost Carlos it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.
"Maybe not now, but what if I don't get any better? You're 18 years old, I don't expect you to not have sex for the rest of your life." Carlos grumbles, staring down at his hands.
It would be hard and James knows this. But he also knows he loves Carlos more than anything else in the universe and he's not leaving him. "If it comes to that, then I'll deal with it. I won't die without sex." James shrugs a shoulder and tries to sound nonchalant.
There's a long pause and then Carlos looks up with him with those big brown eyes. "You could have sex with other people," he suggests in a small voice and James wants to hug him and hit him at the same time. He knows Carlos is only offering out of desperation, out of fear that James will leave him. James Diamond may not be the smartest person on the planet but even he knows that much.
"I don't ever want anyone else like that," James says firmly, tilting Carlos' chin to force him to look him in the eye. And he means it. Cheating on Carlos, even with his permission, is out of the question. Carlos' eyes search his face for a minute and then he pulls away, eyes turning to stare up at the ceiling. It's clear he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, so James racks his brain trying to find something else to talk about. He's launching into a funny story about something Katie did that morning when Carlos pinches the bridge of his nose, like maybe he's trying to ward off a headache.
"You know, I'm really tired." He says finally, turning his head to look at James. "I'm probably just going to sleep for the rest of the day, so you should probably go home." There's no hint of anger or anything else aside from exhaustion in Carlos' voice, but still something doesn't seem right and James hesitates. "Come on," Carlos insists. "You've been here day and night for the past week. Go home. Eat a good meal, shower and get a full night's sleep. Please." He tries to sound lighthearted but he means it, so James doesn't protest.
"Do you promise to call if you need me? Even for any little thing – I don't care." James doesn't like leaving his side. He knows all Carlos has to do is press a button and nurses will come and take care of him, but still. Carlos is essentially helpless and he hates leaving him like this.
"I promise." Carlos lays a hand over his and squeezes lightly, and there's a ghost of a smile on his tired face. James nods slowly and leans over to kiss his boyfriend's lips. "I love you." His hands spread over the sides of Carlos' face, their eyes lock momentarily.
Carlos smiles then, a real smile, and it makes James' heart flutter. "I love you too." He rests one hand over one of James' larger hands, rubs lightly with his thumb. They say goodbye and he watches James leave, sinks his head back into his pillow and sighs with exhaustion, his eyelids heavy.