A/N: Welcome to Ten (Remastered)! After writing for a year an a half, I cringe at my earliest stuff. With this being a fan favorite, I wanted to clean it up and condense some of the shorter chapters into one.
The story line will remain the same, but I'll be adding more details here and there.
When I first started writing I was on a roll and posting multiple chapters a day. I want to take this time to slow down, rework my baby, and make it that much better.
Rewrites will be posted on the off Tuesday's when I'm not adding a new chapter to Ten. Eventually, I'll only continue to update this one... but we've got 107 chapters to get through. LOL.
Thank you so much for the support and love on this story; I could have never imagined it would become this when I started.
Xo,
Bee
Red.
Her face when she saw him for the first time in 10 years.
Kathy's blood scattered at the scene of a deadly explosion.
His eyes from crying over the death of his wife of 30 years.
His kid's cheeks as they stood in the freezing cold at their mother's funeral.
Her wine.
God she needed that wine.
In fact, she'd never needed wine more than she did at that exact moment.
It'd been a hell of a month and a half.
The Stablers. Their case load on top of it. Her kids.
Her kids.
She'd barely seen her kids in the previous two weeks. She felt horrible; worse than usual due to the man she'd sacrificed her time with them for.
So after pouring herself a hefty glass, she sat on her couch with a huff, tucked a leg under herself and closed her eyes tight in a desperate attempt to free her mind of those haunting baby blues.
Sometimes, she thought, it didn't matter what she did; wine, scalding hot showers, gruesome cases or mind blowing, toy induced orgasms? Once those baby blues took purchase in her subconscious, they were hard to shake, and she hadn't be able to shake them since he came home.
Not that she ever really could- she saw them every day, after all.
His were different, of course; older and full of knowing.
Knowing about the world and the horrors and wonders it held.
Full of memories and experiences and nuclear family moments.
Regret, pain, excitement, love, sincerity.
They were the starkest of contrasts from her daily dose of blue.
Those ones were young; full of life and innocence and excitement. Eyes that lit up when she saw her mom and squinted when her little brother did something obnoxious.
A squint that mirrored his whenever she wouldn't let up on something; when she was able to read her mom better than anyone else and just knew she was hiding something.
A squint that held all of the stubbornness of both of her parents.
A squint she'd been getting a lot recently.
Maybe it was that Liv had been working more, or maybe it was because her daughter was far smarter than she gave her credit for, but either way the squint was taking its toll.
She sighed softly to herself in an attempt to shake the train or thought and enjoy the silence around her for several long minutes.
Until the silence abruptly ended; until soft footsteps filled the space around her, gradually growing louder.
They were too gentle and slow to be Noah's; careful, but confident.
She was confident in everything she did; nothing scared her, and if it did she didn't show it. She was fierce and kind; loved with all her heart and always fought for what was right.
She was a mini version of her mom.
Except the eyes.
And the sometimes frustrating temper.
Nature was a bitch.
When the footsteps stopped in front of her, Liv forced her eyes open, brown meeting very sleepy blue.
She smiled up to her girl, and received one back that was like looking in a mirror.
"Hi baby…" she whispered, "what are you doing awake?"
"I heard you and thought we could hang out," said the young girl as she climbed up on the couch beside her, cuddling in.
Liv smiled small and set her wine glass down. "Emma Bernadette," she chuckled as she wrapped her arms around her oldest and pressed several soft kisses to her head. "It is 1am."
"I knooow, but tomorrow is Saturday and we can sleep in and cuddle and eat breakfast in bed?" She asked hopefully.
Emma was 9 going on 19, and if Olivia was the Captain of the house then she was the faithful Lieutenant.
Angling her head upwards, she shot her mom her signature squint as she waited for an answer.
Liv couldn't help it; she got lost in the squint for a brief moment before his face flashed into her mind, breaking her day dream and giving her girl a small nod.
"You can stay up and sleep in my bed, but you have to answer to your brother in the morning," she teased.
Emma grinned and hugged her tightly, staying quiet for a few long minutes as they sat snuggled under a blanket Liv had pulled across their laps.
"Momma?"
"Hmm baby?"
"I heard you crying last night… tough week?"
Liv couldn't help but chuckle. "You know, babe. It was. But I'm ok. It's over now."
The little girl nodded and lounged against her, obviously fighting sleep.
"I love you baby… so much."
"Forever and ever?"
She smiled and pressed several kisses to her head. "Forever and ever and ever."
Emma was asleep in minutes, and once her soft snores filled the living room, Liv slowly lifted her to carry her into her bed.
Her baby girl was certainly not a baby anymore, and carrying her to bed after moments like these had become more of a chore than a joy.
She felt tears prick her eyes as she made a slow and steady walk down to her bedroom, baby girl tucked safely in her tired and sagging arms.
It'd be so much easier if she had Elliot.
Elliot, carrying his daughter to her room.
Carrying their daughter.
Fuck.
She hadn't had those thoughts in 9 years.
Not since the medal came; not since Cragen told Fin and Munch the truth and the three of them forced her to sit and listen until she believed in her own strength.
She shook her head quickly, forcing the memories and wishful thoughts from her tired mind before settling Emma down and tucking her into bed.
After a quick teeth-brushing and change into her satin pajamas, Liv curled up beside her baby girl, readers on and prepared to check texts for the final time that night.
Chief: Stay home with your kids this weekend. That's an order.
Munch: If you have to work tomorrow let me know and I'll take the kids sledding. It's snowing tonight! I won't even corrupt them by telling them how snow is government experiment.
Elliot: Thank you. So much for everything. You're incredible- still. I don't deserve you. Can we have lunch?
She groaned and deleted the last message, choosing instead to text John back.
L: LOL. I don't believe you one bit! But, I'm off and that was the plan, but we would love for you to join us!
M: I'm too old for that kind of cold, but would have taken one for my two favorite Bensons. :)
L: Ouch! But fair.
She put her phone down and tried to relax, praying that sleep would come and that Noah wouldn't wake up at 7am.
Noah was in her room by 7:30am, and entered while whining about not being invited to the sleep over.
"Dude, go back to sleep!" Emma groaned and Liv laughed.
"Hey… what did I say last night??" She asked her daughter as she sat up, stretched, and reached for her little boy.
Emma simply giggled while her mom collapsed back with her little brother who snuggled into her arms and giggled too.
"Mommy needs another hour of sleep if you want to go sledding today!" Liv announced once the duo had settled down.
Both little heads shot up to look at her, matching blue eyes shining with excitement.
"Really?!"
"Mommy please, please can we go now!" Noah cried, jumping up.
"One more hour of sleep!" She laughed, laying back down. "Both of you, too!"
They both squealed and popped back under the covers, quickly pretending to go back to sleep despite the fact that they were both very much awake.
They were, however, quiet enough (and for long enough) that Liv herself was able to fall back into a much needed slumber.
When she woke next, it was to her little all dressed for the day and chatting quietly while they ate their egos and watched cartoons.
Squinting, she looked over at her clock and smiled.
9am.
A record.
Sitting up slowly on her arm, she stretched her legs and looked over at the duo who hadn't yet realized she was awake. They were munching on their breakfast, Noah leaned against his sister who'd clearly prepped their food and situated them on the edge of the bed with napkins on their laps incase they spilled.
They could be twins, truly.
Noah could be hers. Theirs.
How did she get so damn lucky?
"Morning guys," she said with a warm smile, her heart singing when they looked back with cheesy grins.
"Morning momma!"
"Hi mommy!"
She exhaled a soft laugh at their sweetness before laying back against her pillow, rubbing her eyes clear of sleep, and reaching blindly for her phone on her nightstand.
Through squinted eyes, she groaned to herself as she read his text.
E: Havent heard from you. Just want to make sure you're ok.
She took a deep breath, holding it for a while in order to tamper down her anger before releasing it in a whoosh and responding
L: I'm fine, Elliot. I appreciate your concern but I've been taking care of myself and 2 kids for the better part of 10 years.
E: I know…
E: You're right, I'm sorry.
L: It's fine.
E: I've missed you, Liv.
E: Can I see you? I have something for you.
She groaned again, this time loud enough to earn the attention of her 9 year old.
L: We're going sledding, you can meet us in central.
L: But you can't stay long. I haven't really seen them since you've been back.
E: Yes, Captain.
E: Where in Central?
Her heart squeezed because her eyes couldn't; because their daughter was now watching her every move.
L: Where we used to take Eli.
She set her phone down after putting it on do not disturb so that his inevitable reply didn't break her heart before she even left her bed.
Looking back up to her littles who were now both watching her, she flashed a big grin. "Ready to go have fun today!"
"YUP!" Noah cried, sprinting off to get his boots. "Come on, Emmy!!!" He called over his shoulder.
Emma eyed her mom suspiciously before giving into her baby brother's excitement and running after him.
After a proper breakfast at their favorite diner, the little family spent the morning sledding together and laughing, Liv trying desperately to avoid the impeding arrival of him in a place they'd spent so much time together.
Freshly fallen snow made for perfect sledding conditions and her two littles were flying with Emma having seemingly forgotten about her mom's strange demeanor from earlier in the day.
It was around the time that he said she'd be there when she told her babies she needed a quick break from all the fun.
She stood at the top of the small hill watching their continued sledding that was sure to have them asleep by the time they got home when she felt him. Taking a big deep breath, she turned around to face him.
"Stabler," she nodded cordially.
He smiled small. "Hey Liv…"
She sighed looking up at him. They made painful and emotional eye contact for several moments before he trailed his gaze over to the two kids now watching them from the bottom of the hill.
"Twins?" he asked thoughtfully.
She couldn't help but breathe out a chuckle. "Uh no… Emma is 9 and Noah is 7. But they could pass. I get that a lot."
He nodded and tilted his head as he continued to look back at them, his eyes eventually locking on the young girl's.
She watched it happen.
Her whole world blurred as she focused on the way realization washed through his blue eyes that mirrored their little girl's; the way his face and demeanor softened, his shoulders sagging and his gaze unwavering until Emma looked away and Liv cleared her throat.
He blinked quickly, eyes now filled to the brim.
"9?" He asked softly.
She ripped her eyes from where they'd fallen to their shoes in the snow. "You have something for me?" She asked, not trying to hide the warning tone in her voice.
He nodded and gently pulled out an envelope with "Liv" scribbled on the front. With a shaky arm, he handed it over.
She all but snatched it from him, and his words began fumbling from his lips.
"I'm not good at words and stuff… so I wasn't going to give a speech at your ceremony but I wanted to give you this. It explains a lot and…" he trailed off sighing. "Read it… or don't.. but I hope you do."
Nodding slowly, but skeptically, she tucked the letter in her pocket, turning away from him when she heard footsteps crunch in the snow from behind.
"Momma, you coming?" Emma asked with a smile.
Liv nodded and shot back a forced grin. "Be there in one second baby… go ahead and do a few more runs!"
They knew her tone wasn't to be trifled with, and after a brief glance to one another, they ran off back to the top of the hill and their waiting sleds.
His looming presence behind her felt like smoke, gathering in her throat and choking her.
She didn't know if she wanted to throw up or cry.
"So…" he asked softly, returning to his previous line of questioning. "You're married?"
Turning very slowly, she couldn't help but shoot him a glare. "No… it's just the three of us. Not that that's any of your business," she grumbled.
He nodded slowly and exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding before stepping up to stand beside her.
Both silently watching the littles giggle wildly; both time traveling.
"Daddy watch!!!" A three year old Eli squealed from the top of the hill where he and Liv were perched on a sled.
"I'm watching buddy! Come on down!"
"Weady Wivie?"
"Ready!" She grinned, slowly pushing them off and down the hill directly to his daddy.
Her partner and best friend.
"He's changed a lot… Eli," Liv said nodding slowly.
"So much… but he still loves his Wivie…"
She breathed out a soft sigh to mask the tears that welled up at the thought of the little boy that was taken from her, along with his daddy.
"So shes nine…" he asked again, pausing for what felt like forever.
Clearing her throat, she gave the tiniest of nods, unable to look over at him.
"Nine…" he repeated softly.
"Say what you want to say, Elliot," she snapped quietly.
"She looks like Elizabeth…" he said, the admission barely audible.
Her blood boiled and she turned to look at him.
"Why don't you worry more about your five children who just buried their mother and less about my two that you don't even know?"
He took a step back and held up his hands. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"
He didn't know why he was apologizing, but he also didn't know what else to say.
She didn't respond, just shook her head and walked down the hill to her waiting babies.
The three Bensons were home by 2:30 after a quick lunch and a stop for some hot cocoa at the little coffee shop just one block over from their relatively spacious Manhattan apartment.
Once they were changed, they snuggled up on the couch under several heavy blankets. Noah was asleep just five minutes into the Disney movie they'd chosen, and it was clear to Liv that Emma was fighting sleep for a very obvious reason.
The quick pause of the film once Noah's breathing slowed and steadied indicated that, as always, she knew her baby girl better than anyone else.
"Who was that man?" She asked softly, looking up form where she was snuggled into her arm.
Liv looked down at her, a little taken aback despite the anticipation of the question. "Uh… just an old friend, baby."
"How do you know him?"
Liv laughed a little, shaking her head as Emma smiled knowingly.
She jokingly called her kids little detectives, a title that they both owned with pride and passion.
It made Liv's heart soar… except during moments like these when all she wanted was for them to just be kids.
Emma was so much like the father she'd never met; persuasive, stubborn, and a little bit hot-headed.
Olivia knew there was no getting out of this one.
With a deep breath in to steady her nerves, she offered her daughter the best and most believable explanation she could.
"Well baby… that man is… were partners for a lot of years… but he left and came back for my award but… then there was an accident and his wife passed away."
She nodded thoughtfully. "That's sad… is he ok? Does he have kids?"
Liv squeezed her girl a little tighter, an involuntary movement that wasn't lost on the nine year old.
"Well… I think he's ok as he can be. And yes… he's got five kids."
Emma's eyes widened. "That's a lot of kids! So you guys are friends?"
"Well it's…"
"How old are they? Maybe we should have them over for dinner or something?"
"They're older but…"
"They're probably sad their mom died and could use a home cooked meal!"
"Emma," Liv said, loud enough to show she was serious but quiet enough to not startle Noah or scare either of them. "I don't know about any of that right now, baby… it's very complicated."
"Why??" She asked looking up at her.
Because he's your father and you don't know and he doesn't really know and his kids definitely don't need to know at this time.
"Because baby… it just is." She gave her a look to end the conversation.
Emma was quiet for a moment before she slouched back against her. "Noah and I have seen your picture with him before… you seem happier with him. I think he should come over…"
Liv just ignored her, hitting play on their movie and holding her baby girl a little little tighter.
After she's gotten the kids to bed later that night, she curled back on the couch in hopes of finishing a full glass of wine.
She still needed it, even more in that moment.
Taking a sip, she savored the fruity but bitter aromas.
Bitter.
What a poignant word.
Bitterness was starting again in her heart; seeing her daughter and Elliot so close for the first time in her entire short life made her bitter. The thought of him not being there, leaving without a second thought made her bitter. And while she could usually push it down and away, in that moment the feeling wouldn't leave her heart or her mind.
The letter didn't help, of course.
That stupid fucking letter.
Of course she was gonna read it.
And she did. In the bathroom, before she showered.
And she cried.
Got mad.
Thought about the last time they were together.
After Jenna.
Emotional. Primal. Passionate.
"I'm still on the pill," she'd whispered against his mouth as he yanked her leggings down.
They'd always been extra careful when he and Kathy were separated and they started their friends with benefits agreement that ended with more strings that either of them could imagine.
Condoms, pulling out, birth control.
They took no chances.
But that night they didn't care.
They were a mess. They needed to feel each other.
Every part of each other.
Figures, of all people they'd be the .01% in which birth control failed.
Shaking her head, she took a big gulp of her wine before snuggling under her heavy couch blanket and flipping on her favorite home-improvement show.
She'd just started to relax when she heard a knock at the door.
Instinctively, she knew it was him.
Part of her wanted to shut the lights off and go to bed; text him and tell him to fuck off and never come into her life again.
That was only part of her, however; the small, badass part that shined so brightly in all other aspects of her life.
The part that still loved him; longed for him to have a relationship with her and her kids? That's the part she blamed for opening the door.
He was stood stoically, holding a bottle of wine in one hand while his other remained shoved in his pocket.
"Hi," he whispered.
She knew him, and she knew he'd been crying.
"Hi…" she whispered back after a moment.
She was going to give in; no matter how hard she tried she always did with him.
It was one thing when he was MIA for 10 years or married to her arch nemesis; but to have him standing in front of her door at 10:30 at night; on the cusp of confirming the biggest secret of her life; holding a bottle of her favorite wine and looking so damn good….
She didn't stand a chance.
She supposed she never did.
Looking up at him, her eyes already welled up, she nodded slowly. "My kids are sleeping," she said, voice just above a whisper.
He nodded thoughtfully, checking the time on his watch-clad wrist he pulled free from the pockets of his faded jeans.
Her hand was a magnet to his, grasping it the moment he reached his forward.
Their staring contest was long and silent, and allowed enough time to pass for both parties to have tear stained cheeks.
Her eyes were on his mouth, bracing herself for his lips to open and utter the question she'd been dreading since 10 weeks after he let.
"Liv? Is she mine?"
Her breathing picked up out of nowhere and it felt like the walls were closing in on her.
But just as she knew him, he knew her.
The bottle of wine was swiftly set down, replaced with her bicep and then the small of her back.
Two strong arms enveloping her has never felt so good; never felt so much like home.
Giving in, she wrapped her arms tightly around his middle, forcing a sob from deep in his chest as his fresh tears wet her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Olivia… for so many things." He choked out.
Her sobs became audible at his apology, and the pair sunk down to the floor, holding one another and letting their emotions and vulnerability shine...
Just like they had on that night ten years before.