By the K I N G,
A P R O C L A M A T I O N.
WHEREAS it has come to my attention that certain scribes, minstrels, and other such literati have been chronicling the history of my reign and life, often inserting fictional elements of which I do not necessarily approve, e.g. this 'Merthur' business: If I were interested in 'manly adventure' I would 'climb Mt. Percival' not ride a broomstick. However, not wishing to be a tyrant, I elect to allow some freedom of expression in my subjects. Nevertheless, there are certain things I cannot tolerate, and therefore the following are henceforth banned, upon pain of death:
First, I am not 'blonde'. Only girls can be blonde. I am blond. If Merlin were blond, I would guffaw appreciatively at his being described as blonde, because he's a big girl.
Secondly, Merlin is not 'tall'. He is 5'10", which is distinctly average. I do not "look up into his face"; if I must look at him at all, I look almost precisely directly across at him, as I am of virtually the same height. Referring to him as tall will earn a double death sentence.
Thirdly, Stop calling me "the Once and Future King", unless you are writing from the perspective of a time after my death. That phrase was coined by an author writing after my death but before my prophesied return in some future time of Albion's need. Think about it: it makes no sense to call me the Once and Future King while I'm alive. If I'm the King, how can I once have been King in the past? The punishment for this offense is commuted to a lashing since an oracle informs me that a popular fictionalization of my life in a magical box refers to me as such, and I know from experience how magic can corrupt.
Fourthly, Medicine is commonly contained in a 'vial', not a 'vile'. While most medicines taste vile, this is not a valid excuse for this ubiquitous error.
Fifthly, I do not hold the reigns of my horse; I hold the reins. I'm not some weird Horse Lord.
Sixthly, The Court Physician's name is Gaius, not Giaus. Seriously, can't you tell that's wrong with that spelling by just looking at it? How would Giaus be pronounced? 'Jee-owss'?
Finally, There is no such thing as a sorceror, so stop writing about them. Sorcerers, on the other hand, are a real danger and we must remain vigilant against their malice and trickery.
I regret having to be harsh, but in recompense, I am also offering a reward to anyone who can figure out where the hell all these bandits are coming from. Are there really enough travelers to provide sufficient booty to support all these ruffians? What do they even eat? There can't be that many bunnies in the forest. Seriously, you can't step outside the city without being assaulted by a giant army of bandits these days. What purpose is there in wandering around the forest in groups of 50? How many bandits does it take to rob a traveler? And I've never seen a she-bandit. Are the villains all into man-love or something? Obviously not, since not a single one of them has ever tried anything with me, which they certainly would if they were inclined that way.
Given at Our Court at Camelot, the 7th Day after Beltane, in the Third Year of Our Reign.
Arthur R.
Author's note: I hope you all take this is the spirit of fun: just an anal-retentive swipe at a few common petty errors from the perspective of our favorite Current and Future King. If anyone wants to add to it, please don't say anything mean about stylistic convention - just because certain plot points show up a lot doesn't mean that lots of people can't come to and/or share good ideas.