A/N: So currently my story is in the same general time frame as the previous two chapters... I'm at this point where I want to establish the whole newly wed bit to their relationship. Though I am not married, I have been with my partner for eight years now... and I can tell you, I base a lot of how the two of them are together off my own experiences. Anyways, enjoy the read! And review! I love hearing other's opinions on this story, whether it's good or bad. I'm also in the process of doing editing for my previous chapters, the first three have already gotten a light run through and it'll be this chapter and the last that have yet to be checked over.
A variety of songs really helped inspire this chapter.. I'm feeling a bit down today as I write this, thus this may be a bit of a depressing chapter. Just a warning in advance... oh.. and there's another LEMON. I feel like a perv but make up sex is always the best kind. This chapter is much longer than my others.
A few songs that helped me with this included, Memories by Tashannie (this is originally a japanese song I think but there's an english version of it that I like to listen to. It'd make a very good songfic for Katniss and Peeta... or if you like with her Gale it could work to. Just saying.) and Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift ft Civil War (I really really like this song and I think it fits with the movie.. it's also the first taylor swift song I actually like)
Also- Time to save butt. I do not own The Hunger Games trilogy, characters, etc. But I do own the work in this fan fiction. I am just thankful to Susan Collins for writing an amazing trilogy.
A Lullaby to Soothe the Demons Within
Chapter 5
Katniss' POV
2 Years and 2 and a half months since returning to District 12.
Oh Delly. Delly. Delly. Delly. I think darkly to myself. Peeta's not home right now and I'm annoyed at this. He's out with her today, helping her move in some furniture and other things into her new home. She's been back for two months now and I feel like I've seen less of Peeta than normal. That's right, I, Katniss Ever- Mellark, am jealous. I don't like that I basically only see Peeta on Saturdays and at night when we're going to bed. He's been working later in the bakery and when he's not working he's helping her out with her new home. It was a sudden change that had screwed up my normal routines. I wonder why the sudden change had happened, I thought with our progress in our own relationship it would bring us closer. I almost felt more distant from him now than I had been before the games had happened, when he was still just the boy with the burned bread to me. I had tried to initiate another encounter like the one from the bakery a few weeks ago and it had all seemed to be going well but the next moment he was pushing me off him and leaving the room. I didn't know what I had done wrong that night but the dejection I felt stopped me from trying again. I was still mad at him for that but didn't bother trying to start an argument about it.. because any time I had with him was precious right now. I felt the tears welling behind my eyes as I think about how lonely I'm feeling lately and they fall before I can compose myself. I wanted Peeta here with me, helping with dinner so we could eat together at the small table in the kitchen. We hadn't worked on our memory book for a while now and now seemed like the perfect time to go do it if it meant taking my mind off the miserable days I've been having.
I go into the front room, grabbing the book off the table and sit it on my lap as I sink into the couch. We had started this when Peeta came back as a way to help him regain his memories and fix the wrongs done to him through his hijacking. Real or not real. It was some thing we still did when he was unsure of a memory that passed through. I open the book to the first page. I dried out primrose is glued to the page and is accompanied by writing. The top just reads, Primrose. I had written my memory of Prim in this the first night we decided to start this book. Though it helped me get my memories of her onto the ever lasting paper it still didn't take away the pain I had for her loss. He drew designs around it, filling it with flowers and vines around the page. I had watched him that night as he concentrated on the details, shading green here, mixing blues and pinks there. He was in his element. He looked perfect to me then, making me confirm my love and need for him in my own sad existence in the world. It had been a few months now since we last opened this book.
I brush past the pages. Finnick, his wedding with Annie, their child that was now growing up without their father to protect them. The first cake Peeta made for their wedding, when him and I had still be on outs with one another. The day he had given me the bread that gave me new hope for life. The next day at school when I tried to catch his gaze with mine to silently thank him for saving my family and the dandelion that stood out against the dead yellow grass, showing life was emerging once more as spring approached. Peeta's family. His Dad. He had decided to write one just about his father, saying his best memories were with him. I hugged him as he finished writing it, tears streaming down his pale cheeks as the sorrow washed him away. It was one of the only times I had seen him cry and be so vulnerable. I had comforted him that night, holding him in bed until he fell asleep before I let myself drift off after him. It was a memory that I held onto because it made me feel like I was needed in Peeta's life, that I was irreplaceable. I stop turning pages and let the small smile play across my lips, savoring the memory for a moment and realize I'm still mad.
I shut the book closed once more, too angry to bother with it now. I set it back on the table and wiggle my way off the couch. I need to go out, do something. Maybe I would go to the forest for a bit. I had been out there for most of the morning already, trading and selling the game I had hauled in that day before bringing home just a rabbit for myself. That's what I needed to do, skin and clean the dead rabbit. I was trying to give myself as many distractions as possible.
I'm out on the front porch with my knife set beside me, letting my hands busy themselves with this task that I've set out for myself. I look down and see the blood on my hands, normally this doesn't bother me, I'm so use to it that I'm immune to it but today is different. It hits me swiftly and I'm dropping the game to the ground as I make way to the bathroom. Emptying what little I had consumed that day into the toilet, I am dry heaving and feel the wave of nausea that hit subside. I raise myself shakily from my knees in front of the toilet, flush the contents down and make my way to the sink. My face is red and my eyes are swollen and tearing. I feel fine now and wonder if I'm getting sick. Usually skinning and cleaning game doesn't bother me, it never does so this turn of events only means I'm coming down with something. It's the only logic. But I feel fine. I sigh. Some illnesses were odd like this. I splash some water onto my face to cool it down before I decide I'm fine enough to go finish my task.
It's early into the evening now and I know I need to make some thing to eat for myself, I barely ate enough as it was and normally skip lunch and some times breakfast. Dinner was the only meal I ate regularly. I've thrown up once more since the first time and I decide to make soup tonight. It would be the lightest on my stomach and maybe help me feel better.
I've got the contents chopped and cooking on the front burner of our stove when I hear the front door open. I look at the clock in our kitchen to see it's already eight in the evening, I thought it had been earlier since the sun had been out still. I ignore the fact that I've heard him enter our house and continue on with what I was doing. I am adding the cooked broth I made from a few chicken bones I kept in with the vegetables and meat I have cooking in a large pot and give it a stir when I feel arms enclose around the middle of my stomach, a kiss is placed on top of my head. He does this when he comes home and I'm still awake. A hug and kiss, nothing more. I ignore the action and keep stir the soup around in the pot, waiting for it to boil. He rests his head on my right shoulder and looks at what I'm doing.
"Smells good." He speaks quietly. I almost want to give in and lean back into his strong chest but I refrain from losing that bit of control I have left.
"I wanted soup." He gives me a small hum. "I didn't know when you'd be back and I figured you already had eaten so I just went ahead and made whatever." He pulls away and I know he's leaving me to go change out of his work clothes.
"I had a late lunch but we can eat together if you'd like?" I peek over to him from over my shoulder and see him taking his shirt off as he walks up the stairs. I see the muscles flex as he removes the clothing and I want to feel his embrace once more. I want to feel him against me, touching me in places he has only touched once. I feel the tears coming once more and curse myself for being so over emotional. I felt so unwanted.
The smell of the soup hits me and I feel another wave of nausea hitting me. I hurriedly put the wooden spoon I'm holding on the counter and make my way to the bathroom once more. I was thankful we had two bathrooms in this house, one on the main level and one upstairs. I'm heaving up the tea I had earlier with bile. It burns my throat as I heave. I'm crying this time as the misery I'm feeling with my current problems with Peeta and this sickness comes over me. I can stop the tears or the sob that escapes me as I sit on the ground of the small bathroom. I hate this. I say that a lot. I hear footsteps race down the stairs as I cry harder, I don't want him to see me like this. To see I was so easily brought down by this change in our relationship. I grab some toilet paper from the roll on the wall and wipe away the spit that's stuck to my chin. My throat is raw and burning from the bile of my stomach and my eyes are hurting from the force of my heaves. I see him from the corner of my eye looking down at me from the doorway. I hang my head as the sobs die down and just a steady stream of tears are falling.
He kneels before me and lifts my head to look into my eyes. They're wide and concerned. Why does he care? He's been leaving me for the last couple weeks now, alone to fend for myself. "Have you been sick all day?" I pull away from his caress and look away, brows furrowed.
"What does it matter to you?" I rasp out. I need water but I don't want to move from my spot. I hear him sigh as he stands up. I hear the tap running for a moment then turned off. A cup is held out to me. I take it without a word and take a gulp of the cool water, letting it soothe the fire in my throat. My tears have finally stopped but I'm still a ball of nerves, making my body hum in anger and anguish. He's kneeling in front of me again and wiping off the stray tears from my cheeks.
"If you're sick, you should have told me. I would have-"
"You'd have what? Come home on time for once?" I spit out bitingly to him. I can't stop it. "You'd take care of me and make me well so that when you're gone again you can be in good conscious? I don't want to hear it. Now move so I can get up." I'm staring into his eyes as I speak so that he knows how mad I am at him now. To show his actions haven't gone unnoticed by me. I had been trying to be understanding and thought things between us would be better after our first time. Someone should have told me that sex complicates life more than it saves it. I try to move but he's got both hands on my shoulder now, holding me in place. I can tell he's offended by what I have said to him and I'm glad.
"What do you mean by that?" Again. Clueless.
"Don't tell me that you're not trying to avoid me. That the reason you've been home late almost every night isn't because you don't want to face me. Whatever I did that day obviously made you realize something. Clearly I'm not good enough for you any more, not since Delly came back into your life. Now move the fuck out of my way before I hurt you." I'm shaking as the anger and jealousy consumes my entire being. I go to stand and nearly fall over at the dizziness that's occupied my head now. I feel it coming over me once more and fall to my knees, face to the toilet once more, heaving into it. Please, just make it end. I feel his warm hand rubbing my back as I spit a few times into the toilet to get the taste out of my mouth. I don't want him comforting me like this, I don't want him touching me like this. I wanted him to touch me like he was my husband again. I swat him away as I get up, hands braced on the sink as I let the cool water run, splashing some on my face once more and rinsing my mouth out. He still hasn't left the bathroom. Couldn't he just take the hint already? He's blocking my exit from the bathroom and I huff, placing my hands on my hips, gesturing for him to speak before I lose it again.
"You think there's something between Delly and I?" Of course, that's the only thing he takes from it. He goes on before I have time to think of a reply. "Things have just been getting busy. With the influx of people coming into the district business has been coming in more steady. As for Delly, I've only been helping her get settled. She's only a friend." I almost scoff at this. I couldn't believe it.
"What about us then?" I ask.
"What about us?" He answers in a question, he wants me to elaborate. I press my lips together, thinking how I want to phrase my thoughts, what way would hit him the hardest. I don't understand what has come over me lately, it was like being a car, every turn a new emotion was there to greet me.
"After our first night, you haven't tried again. You even turned me away when I tried to initiate it. Have I already lost... that mystery to you? Did I do some thing wrong?" And now I'm feeling insecure and unsure. I'm already crying again as I try to finish what I was trying to say. "Y-you obviously don't want me, not after seeing Delly. I can't compete with that. And you barely talk to me any more! Even at night when we're laying in bed together it doesn't feel like you're really with me! You want to leave me, don't you? Why can't you just say something?" I'm in near hysterics now as I collapse in front of him, letting the tears wash me away once more. What was wrong with me? I'm wiping the tears away with angry fists, wanting this to stop. I wasn't weak. I refused to believe I was this weak. I'm breathing quickly and finding it hard to get enough air into my lungs. "Am I really that unbearable to be around?" I ask through the sobs that escape me. Letting them take me over as I lose the will to fight it any longer.
I'm being lifted lifelessly out of the bathroom and up the stairs. He's probably laying me in bed, hoping I will fall asleep so we can just forget this happened. He set me down and leaves me in the room. I'm sure he's leaving me for the night. This was one of our first real fights and I was just being downright cruel. I knew it but I didn't want to admit that out loud.
I'm surprised to hear our bedroom door close and a body enclosing around me, holding me tightly with strong arms. This is the most intimate we've been in weeks and a new wave of tears fall as I'm reminded again that this what I've been missing. I don't want to revel in this though, because he's getting ready to leave me, it's a matter of moments before he tells me, I know it. I curl into a tighter ball and let the tears fall silently.
Warm breath caresses my neck as he speaks to me, not above a whisper in our quiet room. "I would never leave you. Katniss. I would never leave you. I'm sorry." He repeats himself again and again as he holds me tighter and I feel him trembling against me. I feel the wetness fall lightly down my neck into my hair and can't tell if it's my or his tears that are there. "No one can't compete with you. You're too perfect for me. I'm sorry. I should have just talked to you about this. Haymitch told me it was a bad idea to avoid it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He's mumbling quietly but quickly to me. What should he have talked to me about? I don't understand what he's saying to me. "I couldn't bring myself to.. hurt you again. You said you had wanted it but I know it was for me. I knew you were lying and I took advantage. I couldn't let it happen again. I was hoping this would all just pass over. I was too busy thinking about what I thought you needed that I didn't bother asking you how you felt about this whole thing and for that, I'm sorry. I hurt you again." I turn in his arms and wrap myself around him. I'm crying onto his chest now as I let my fist rise and fall against his chest, angry at him for doing this to me. He only kepts his arms around me until I am finished beating his chest. My cries are turning into hiccups as I slowly calm down.
"I told you before-" I pause as I suck in another breath of air before continuing, " if I didn't want it, I wouldn't have let it happen. Why are you so adapt to just taking matters into your own hands without consulting me first on your decision? I can't take any more of this Peeta. You want me to keep open to you then you need to be open with me. I didn't marry you for no reason and I didn't give my body to you for no reason. For fuck sakes, you know I love you." I've sworn twice now, twice more than I ever do. I know of the words but refrain from using them.
Dinner.
I sit up, it's probably burned into the pot by now. Peeta looks at me for a moment before he understands what I'm thinking. "I turned it off and removed the pot from the burner, it's ok." He must have done that when he left me in the room by myself. I stay sitting up, deciding I was done letting my emotions get the best of me. I wipe off the remaining tears from my face and stare down at Peeta. If he had some kind of defense, now was the time to use it. He sits up next me and keeps eye contact. He lifts a hand and holds the side of my face with it, making sure we keep eye contact. "I'm sorry. I know nothing else I say is going to explain myself." He kisses me and I'm still so distraught that I don't respond. I'm being selfish with my emotions. He pulls away, his eyes are softer and I can tell he doesn't want to fight any more. He pulls me to him and I don't resist. He cradles my body with his own, letting his fingers trace along my clothed back. "How long have you been sick for?" he breaks the silence with this question. I give in to this change in atmosphere, too tired to even try putting up a fight any more, to get the answers my mind wants me to ask, it was pointless now that I finally had his attention again. It hits me that, that's what I had wanted this entire time, his attention back on me.
"It started earlier, some time in the afternoon. It only lasted for a few minutes and then I felt better, it only happened once more before you came home. It's probably just the flu or something. I'm feeling better now though." I want to brush off my little episode in the bathroom, I don't want that to be the focus right now. I wanted this moment with my Peeta to be calm, let me be comforted by his presence. I take matters into my owns and cup his face with my small fingers, closing the gap between us so that my lips brush against his. He meets me and kisses me back. I feel the fire ignite inside me and I want to be consumed by him. I want to engulf the being that is Peeta with my fire.
He doesn't brush me off this time when I strip him of his clothing and shed my own, he lets me have this moment and I say nothing in fear of ruining the moment I had wanted weeks before. I take the lead and let my hand grasp the member between his legs that is hard and almost twitching as it feels the warmth from my hand circle it. I try to mimic the actions he did our first time when he had touched me, made the fire in me explode. He's gasping and panting as I try to find a rhythm, stroking my hand from base to top and repeating, hoping I'm doing it right. His hand touches me and guides it to the tip where I see white specks leaking out. I'm fascinated by this and touch it, smearing it over the top of his.. penis, I felt embarrassed for even thinking the word. He hips buckle up against my hand and I give myself a pat on the back. I'm doing something right. I'm amazed that I've forgotten I am completely naked, sitting next to him as I stroke him. His hand is stopping me as I get enthralled with the motions of my hand, I had been moving quicker, from top to bottom, wanting to see what happens when he comes undone. I had not seen it last time, I had come before he had, thus missing it when my eyes shut tightly. I look at the hand that has stilled my own and look up to his face questioningly. He props himself up on his eyes and gives me a wry smile. "You. Need. To. Stop. Or. I'll. End. Up. Finishing. Before. You." He's panting between every breath and I wonder if it's taking him a lot of effort to hold back. He puffs out once more and continues speaking, he's not so winded now. "I want us to.. finish together if it's possible." I blush. Childish I know but I can't control it. I nod and let my hand fall back to my side.
He pulls me to him and I climb over him so that I'm straddling him, like I had our first time except this time I want to feel him in me like this. I wonder how it would feel. I just want to feel him in me, I want him to complete me again. I want to pretend that this last month never happened because I don't want to be miserable any more. Not like this. I don't wait and rub myself against him. I feel the way the length of him slides against me and I can't contain myself as I rub again. His lips are on mine, ravishing them, biting my lips with his teeth, and moaning into our kiss. It's exciting me, I feel the pressure at my core and I want the fire within me to be released again. I pull from our kiss and sit up, I will myself to stop rubbing against him, will my hips to stop as I try to figure out how to place him in me in this position. I really should have asked someone for advice on sex before ever jumping into it. I feel the inexperience now.
"We can switch, it'll probably be easier." He means we can switch positions to the one who had been in last time. But I want to be on top, I want to see his face clearly this time. I want to be the one to make him feel good, knowing it'll make me feel good too. I shake my head and move up a bit, letting the member between my thighs inch down, and I can feel the tip of it near my entrance. I try to thrust down only for it to slip between me once more. Well that obviously doesn't work. I huff. I feel him laughing below me. Embarrassment rushes through me at our situation. Both of us are naked. I'm on top of him. I'm having problems making this work. I'm completely humiliated in front of my husband because of my lack of knowledge in this field. I almost want to curl up and hide away but I hold firm, I don't want to give up. He sits up and kisses my collarbone, murmuring softly against my skin.
"How about we do this together. Think of it as two people learning the basics." Was this basic? I flush more. My train of thought is cut short when he reaches between our connected hips. I lift myself up a bit to help him up and I feel it again. It's below me and rubbing against my entrance. I don't give him time as I let my hips fall. His hand is still holding him steady as I lower myself slowly. My eyes are squeezed shut and I'm biting my lip. It hurts again, not as bad but there's still the burning sensation I experienced our first time. His hand has moved and joins the other in holding my hips, helping me to steady as I descend down onto him. I stop when I feel like I can't take any more. I'm biting back the tears from falling as I try to tell myself to relax. That's what I had done last time and it worked. My body just needed to stop being so tense. His lips are kissing any part of me he can as I move a little, the burning slowly fading and I can feel the.. bliss- In it's wake.
"Are you ok?" He's breathing heavily in my ear as I move my hips again, this time wiggling them a bit to try and adjust myself around him. I nod silently, letting tiny moans escape my mouth and almost scream out when a wet tongue licks my nipple. I'm shuddering and feel myself already close to coming. I don't remember being so sensitive, then again he hadn't touched my breast or seen them bare. Maybe they were just extra sensitive. I wondered if that was normal for girls?
I lift myself off of him an inch and fall back down. The slight burning and pleasure mingle together and I shudder again. I repeated this action until I was sliding almost completely off of him and slamming back down. It's quick and I don't realize I'm coming until I'm screaming his name out, grabbing fistfuls of his sandy blond hair in my small hands. I feel my body jerking and shaking as I convulse around him. He hasn't come yet and is waiting for me to stop the spasms wracking my body. Just as it stops I'm already getting excited again, his length is inside me still and it feels too good for me to do anything else but to start moving again. He's surprised at how quickly I've recovered but goes with it. I'm trying to move my legs so that they can wrap around his back but somethings stopping me. My left leg is stuck in blankets, I didn't notice the blanket before and now it's presenting a problem. I don't want to stop moving though and he's thrusting up to meet my falling hips, he's distracting me from my movements and I want to wrap myself around him, it should be bring us closer. I stop my movement and focus solely as untangling my foot from the sheets and ever so slightly I'm falling over. His hands stop me and he's stopped moving now, noticing I'm trying to do something. Oh god, when would I be able to look at him without a blush? I've been nothing but clumsy this entire time. He's watching me through half lidded blue eyes, blond lashes barely visible. I lick my lips as I stare at him in mid motion.
"My leg. Uh- it's stuck." He peeks over to my leg side and seeing the leg trying to pull out of the blanket. He rests his head against my shoulder and I hear him chuckling. I take the distraction and finally manage to free my foot. I quickly wrap my legs around him, the heels of my feet rest against the small of his back. I feel him slide in deeper and I'm pleased. I'm crying out to the darkness in our room and I rock back and forth. He's moaning into my ear, holding me, moving me as we move more and more erratically against one another. I'm getting close again and I lock my arms around his neck, burying my head there, trying to keep myself grounded. His deep voice is carrying over my own and I feel myself being lifted off the bed. The cool wall meets my back and I hold onto him tighter with my legs, not wanting to fall. My head hits the wall when he slams into me but I hold back the yell of pain I sustain. He's obviously getting close and I am too. My nails are digging into the soft skin of his back, encouraging him to let go. We're close and I'm panting faster, my heels are digging into his back, shoving him closer, making him go harder. I'm finished and I'm screaming his name out once more to the night. I'm thrusting and jerking against him, tightening around him as he gives his final thrust into me. I feel the hot liquid coating the inside of me as he pumps in and out a few more times. He is stumbling back to the bed with me wrapped around him and collapse on the bed. I don't want to move and savor this moment once more. Being wrapped in his arms, our bodies coated in a sheen of sweat, and panting heavily. My body was humming lightly, reveling in the after glow of what we had just done.
"I love you." He says quietly to me. I smile sleepily. He slips out of me and turns us around, laying me on the bed and getting up. I watch him intently as he grabs a towel from the closet and comes back over with it. He's wiping himself off and helps me wipe my lower area, my limbs are still jelly. The towel is tossed onto the flower and he's coming back to join me in bed. Our bed is destroyed, the blanket is half on the floor, a pillow is by the window, and another is by the door. How we managed that, I didn't know. He pulls me over to him to curl up next to him. The bed could wait to be made, I was too tired and comfy to think of moving.
And just for a night, all my worries were gone. The nightmares stayed at bay. My mind was only filled with Peeta.. Until I woke up at three in the morning running buck naked to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet. Maybe something was wrong.
A/N: Sooo... another chapter out and it's much longer. I didn't think I'd end up doing another lemon so soon, but it kind of just moved in that direction in this chapter. I'm sure you can guess what's going on with her and you should keep an open mind. It only takes one time. Anyways, questions will be answered next chapter, I may have based some of the things that happen off of the movie The Back Up Plan, if you've seen it... then you know where I drew some of my inspiration from when you read this. Hope you enjoyed it and I'm already writing another chapter. So R&R!