A/N: Just a warning, this chapter is also unedited, though I tried to edit while I was writing. Kind of a filler chapter.

A Lullaby To Soothe The Demons

Chapter 7

*3 Years Since Returning to District 12*

Katniss' POV

I hear the voice in the other room speak in just a whisper and I know it's about me. I can't bring myself to care much because there really isn't much in my life that matters right now. Yet his whispers drift into the room I'm in and I can hear his words. His concern is evident in his voice as he talks to whoever is on the other side on the line.

"I don't know if she's getting any better. She seems fine when she goes out but as soon as she comes home she just sits in the sitting room, on the couch and stares at nothing." He's silent for a moment before speaking again. "Yes, her nightmares have gotten worst. She has been reacting more violently when she sleeps. I don't know what to do, even my presence isn't helping." I know my nightmares have gotten worst, more graphic, different. There's more blood in them than I remember from my previous dreams. Disfigured bodies. A being who is barely developed lays in my arms, blood covering it's dis-formed body, lays there motionless while I cradle it to my body. It lurks in my dreams every night and I hate myself even more with every night I wake up screaming, crying, thrashing in the bed waking Peeta in the process. To know that the unborn child I lost was bothering me so much hurt even though I have been so against having children since I was young. Peeta married me knowing I did not want children and that made it easier for me. But my mind refused to let go of the loss. I hear him sighing and imagine he's running a hand through his already ruffled blond locks.

"I don't want to trouble you, really you don't need to come here. Really. Maybe for a week then? Alright, when you get things figured out give me a call to let me know the plan. Alright. Have a good night Ms. Everdeen." I figured he was talking to my mom. I let it go, again the my lack of care over comes me and I turn to look out the window, watching the setting sun. I hear his heavy footsteps approaching me.

"Katniss. Hey. Come on, dinner is ready." He's pulling me up from the couch and I comply, letting him lead me to the kitchen where he has dinner set out on our small table. I sit on the chair he leads me to and he sits across from me. I can tell he's going to try and coax me to talk tonight. Just like every other night. I try to answer him these days so that he stops worrying about me. I can't stand him hovering over me daily like a dotting mother. He's even been working less now than he was nine months ago. The bakery was lucky if they saw him in even once a week now a days. I know it's taking a toll on him especially since I see how much of a toll it's taking on me. I've lost more weight, my ribs and hips so visible now it was hard to keep my clothing on my body. I had to pin my pants at the waist just so they'd stay on. I pick up my fork and start my nightly routine of playing with the food on my plate. Pushing things around a bit on the plate.

"How was hunting today?" I nod my head at him, to acknowledge I heard him, but don't answer. He asks this every night at dinner. "Catch anything?" I shake my head, signalling I hadn't caught anything.

"Gale wants to see you." That stops me. My fork falls to my plate and I look up at my husband, at Peeta and I finally see just how worn out he really is. It's like a bucket of cold water has fallen on me and I'm only now waking up. He is staring at me, holding my gaze. Dark circles, dull blue eyes, drab, greasy blond hair, it's all I can see when I finally look at him with clear, open eyes. I can't help the over whelming feeling of remorse take over and I can't stop the tears that fall. But I'm crying more than just for him, but for everything that has gone on in our lives. It's all hitting me too quickly and the sobs are tumbling out as I feel any amount of control I had over myself walk away, leaving me falling to the floor in a complete mess. I can hear myself mumbling incoherently and feel the arms circling me, pulling me towards the warm body.

"W-why? Dad... dad." My father. The guilt and longing for him captures me first. Then Prim. And I'm apologizing to her ghost on not protecting her, for not doing more. Then my mother and a whole new wave of guilt washes over me. All my lost time with my only living relative, my mother, the one who brought me into this world. I missed her, I craved for her motherly embrace, her soothing words, and just the calmness that only a mother can give their child. Finnick and Annie, their child who would never get to meet their father. Gale. I cry at my loss of my closest friend and Madge, thinking of how I couldn't save her from the bombing. Our child. The one I didn't think I had wanted. Then Peeta. The only one who has been by my side since the Hunger Games, who knew more than anyone the traumatizing things witnessed in the arenas. The fact that I haven't been there for him for almost a year makes me grasp him to me, pull him closer to me as I cry out, apologizing profusely to him, telling him how inadequate I am as a wife to him.

"Y-you deserve better than this!" I let out a hiccup and pursue on. "I can't ask you to stay here any more. You shouldn't be living like this and letting me bring you down." Despite my words for him to leave me, I only hold him tighter. I realize too late I'm speaking more. "I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own. I-I-I can't live on my own like this. Please don't leave me." I'm begging him to not leave, already thinking in my mind that he's packed up and ready to go.

"Why would I leave after everything we've gone through?" He huffs and grips me tighter. "I wouldn't leave you, I'm not leaving you and I don't plan to ever leave you. I love you. We'll get through this. I think it'll be good if your mum does come here for a week." I nod against his chest, agreeing that maybe seeing her would help. "Did the thought of seeing Gale really set you off though? If that's what it was going to take maybe I should have suggested a meeting earlier." I knew he was still in the district, after the fall he hadn't come to see me, but I had heard he was planning on moving back here. I didn't bother trying to find out why. If he hadn't come then things would have been different, maybe I would have been happy with the unexpected news? But the thought of seeing Gale now had awaken a fear in me and in a rush my demons all came out, the result was my current situation. Me on the floor and Peeta holding me, comforting me as he always did. It was normal for him to do this and honestly, I knew it wasn't right because when he did have an episode I ran away. I had stayed once and ended up with a broken rib. Peeta had blamed himself for days and stayed in a state where the guilt consumed him. It had taken a lot of convincing on my part to finally get him to stop blaming himself and even then when he felt an episode approaching he told me to run. I did as he said, I couldn't stand having him go on a guilt spree again because of an injury I may sustain. I was horribly selfish and the hate I had for myself was great.

"Katniss, please talk to me. Tell me what's going through your mind. Please?" I hear the pleading tone in his voice. Our lack of communication, my lack of communication, was only straining our already fragile relationship but I was never good with words. In my mind it all made sense but as soon as I tried to get the words out of my mouth it always came out jumbled and made no sense at all, at least to my own ears. Peeta always knew what I meant, took my nonsensical words and made them make sense. He was the one with words.

I look down at his hands that are around me, holding me to his warm body while I try to gather my thoughts, sorting them so that each thought was it's own. I'm tentative when I speak, the first thought is the first to escape my lips quietly. "The baby," I pause as I try to form words to the feelings I had about the unborn being that once was inside me. "I never thought I'd want children. I always refused the thought of even having them, I couldn't fathom the thought." Blues eyes are glued to me, searching my face, from my dry lips, red eyes, to the tear streaks on my cheeks. I continued on while I still had the courage to share these inner thoughts with him, before I decided to close back up. "After it was gone, after I lost it I realized the idea of having a family with you wasn't as scary as it seemed. But now I can't even stand to think of the idea of having one again." His thumbs is wiping away a tear streak as more fall.

"You're afraid you're just going to lose it again, right?" Again, he understood me better than any body else ever did. I nod my head. "What happened wasn't your fault-"

"Please don't say that! I don't want to hear that! So many things that have happened were all because of me and everyone keeps telling me that it isn't my fault. I'm tired of hearing that, I'm tired of being lied to." And it's true. They all say that, my mom, Peeta, the people of twelve who also lost loved ones during the bombing. They all say it wasn't my my fault. But things happened because of me. "Our baby. Prim. Gale. You. Everyone from twelve. You all have suffered because of me. It's my fault." A new wave of tears begin to fall and I feel Peeta's hand embracing the side of my face, trying to get me to look into his eyes. I can' stand it, knowing that he's comforting me again.

"What happened in the past, you had no control over." I shake my head, disregarding his words. "Katniss! Look at me. We can't keep going on like this!" His words are sharp and laced with anger. "Fuck. It's not your fault. You have no control over the actions of other people. You had no control over what was done, you didn't have a choice. Why do you still keep blaming yourself for something that you didn't do? The things we endured, the people who have passed on, you didn't do that." I finally look at him, taking in his sad blue eyes. My heart breaks a bit more. I finally let my fingers run over the skin of his face, brushing aside some hairs on his forehead. Haymitch had been right many years ago, I could live a thousand life times and still not deserve the being that was now holding me.

"Your hijacking." I stop, this is a topic we have barely discussed. I'm always too afraid to talk about it and he always found a way to change topics. "It did happen because of me. You know as well as I do that Snow did it as a way to hurt me. He knew how important you were to me. He hurt you because of me Peeta." I pause, letting the words sink in for the both of us. His expression changes and I know he is thinking of a way to change subjects, not even able to deny this tiny fact. I go on before he can speak. "I know it is still affecting you. When you go to the room above your bakery at night when you think I'm asleep, I know a nightmare has triggered an episode for you. I've followed you before, heard the smashing inside, the yells and screams. Yet I always run away before I go up there to you. I've seen your eyes flash as something sparks a memory and you try to figure out if it's real or not. You're like this because of me. I don't deserve you but I'm too selfish to ever give you up." He doesn't speak and I worry a little. I worry that I've pushed him this time.

His grip only tightens around me and I'm surprised. He lowers his head to the crook of my neck and inhales deeply, I feel his warm breath tickle the skin as he speaks. "It's true, Snow was using me to get to you. We both know that. But you can't blame yourself for it happening. I've gotten better and you obviously have gotten better too. You're just bad for always keeping things to yourself. It makes me happy in a way to know you're grieving the baby because I never even thought that children was an option for us and I'm ok with it because I'm with you. But knowing that you're grieving the loss too, it shows how much you're changed. So please, stop focusing on the negative things, you need to stop putting yourself through this because you're never going to move on with your life if you're going to be stuck in the past. Prim wouldn't have wanted that. It's time to face some of those demons that you've been hiding away." I know he's right. He's always right and I'm surprised that he's even right about our child. Once it was gone I realized that the idea of it really wasn't so bad, that I would have wanted it.

I sit up, pushing myself away from him and wipe the lingering tears off my face. I shouldn't be like this, Prim wouldn't have wanted me to live my life this way. I run my hand through my oily hair as I gather my thoughts back up.

"Maybe starting a family wouldn't be so bad." It's a start and I refuse to acknowledge Gale wanting to see me. I'm not ready for that yet, not ready to face him just yet. I'm still cowardly and needed to do things at my pace. Seeing my mother first was what I wanted to do. Knowing she was coming here would help me figure out where to go next, especially if I really was ready to move on from my own ways and views of children and have one of my own. One that would be made up of Peeta and I.

"There's the girl I fell in love with." A soft smile plays at his lips as he trails his fingers along my jaw line. "Welcome back." And I'm happy to feel back again, the feeling of me is slowly returning to my body and I'm becoming well aware of how neglected I've become to myself. I owed Peeta a lot but when has that changed?

TBC..

A/N: So not super long and I kind of had a writers block on this chapter. . I've been stuck to say the least on where I wanted to go with this chapter. Not sure where I'm completely going with this story, I know it's going to lead up to the epilogue of Mockingjay, that's about as far as I've gone with it. Any suggestions on where you see this going, let me know in the comments!

As always R&R! I love reviews! And thank you to those who have reviewed so far, I'm still getting familiar with this site so I haven't been able to fix some of the things I would like to fix. And to my one reviewer who asked for more dialogue, I hope this was good! :) See you guys next chapter!