Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Baby there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

-Jason Mraz; If it Kills Me (From The Casanova Sessions)

There was an awkward silence as we drove down her silent road. I tried to relax the environment by turning on the radio, but even that wasn't enough to stop the thick blanket of awkward that was covering us. I could only imagine the questions and thoughts running through her head at this moment, because my own were driving me mad.

I wasn't sure what this meant for us... us. I could feel the hyperventilation coming on as I thought about what that connotation would mean. Did I want there to be an us? Did she?

I was no expert on relationships at all, but from what I knew of women, they were generally big fans of settling down and monogamy, especially when pregnant. I realized then, that I had not even asked her what it was that she did want from me. Maybe I was jumping the gun in thinking that she would want me around. Maybe all she did want was some financial help...

I don't know why that made my heart ache, but I made myself put that thought on the back burner for now, at least until we were in a better mind set. I drove us toward Gibson's Steak House. It was in my opinion, the best in the city and I wanted to make sure I treated her to the best dinner that she had asked for tonight. I was nervous to go there, but I decided that she had put up with so much from me and endured more than anyone in her condition should have to... she deserved to be taken out and treated to something such as this... Bella deserved the best. I had never given her much of that when we were together... I had always been so cautious when we went out. I felt like I was a two timing husband that was afraid to be seen by someone who knew me. I wasn't... but that's what it had felt like. It wasn't that I was ashamed of her, that was far from the truth. It was that I knew my father watched every move I made... if it wasn't him, it was the private investigator he had follow me on occasions. I was always aware that big brother could be watching.

Why did I do it then? Well... because I wanted to be with her. That was the only way I could do it and that was the best I could offer her. I had never once stopped to think how that would make her feel, or how that would play into her mind about her worthiness. By keeping our appearance casual, I kept myself from trouble. Of course "casual" was out the door when we stepped through her door or my own, and again I never thought about how that would make her feel.

"Edward, where are we going?" her tone was weary and afraid. I looked around the road we were on to see what would have caused her alarm, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. We were right on track and I hadn't gone the wrong way.

"I'm taking you to Gibson's... you said you wanted steak right?" I hadn't heard her say anything otherwise... did she change her mind about the steak? Was this a pregnancy thing?

"Gibson's! Edward, NO!" her eyes were about to bug out of her head and her voice sounded appalled.

"What is it, Bella? What's wrong?" I was absolutely lost as to why she would have been opposed to that place; it was one of the finest in the city... what was wrong with that? I didn't have to wait for her answer.

"Edward, Gibson's is full of people... important, connected and famous people!" Oh! So that was what had her freaking out.

"Isabella... just relax. Don't worry about that." I tried to sound as calm as I could, knew that I should have been as worried as she was, but I owed it to her to not.

"Really, Edward? Don't worry about that?" it was the first time I had ever heard her be sarcastic with me. I wanted to laugh, but it wasn't funny. I was about to confirm that statement, but she hit me where it hurt.

"Why shouldn't I worry about it, Edward? You've basically made it clear that my presence in your life while I'm pregnant is bad for your image. You don't want to claim this baby, you don't talk to or even acknowledge me unless were in a dark corner or on an empty street! How can I not worry about it?"

I didn't respond. I had no real come back for that. She was right about all of it... but this was the first time she had ever said it.

We stayed quiet for a while, me just breathing and Bella doing the same in an attempt to calm her anger. I didn't know how to follow up on that. It wasn't as if I could say she was wrong... She wasn't.

"I'm sorry." she whispered. I turned to my head to her with my eyes wide and shock clearly written on my face.

"What in the world are you apologizing for?" I couldn't comprehend her thinking she had done anything wrong. If anything her reaction was delayed... and much nicer than I deserved. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't look all that proud of herself at the moment.

"I know that this is a hard thing for you... your trying. I appreciate it... but... really, if you're not going to stick around then... why even bother?"

Well that was the million dollar question wasn't it? The truth was that I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew what I wanted to do... but what I didn't know was if I had the actual guts to do it. My life to an outsider must have looked easy. I went to a great college, came from a wealthy family, and was set to take over the company that had been in my family for the last five generations.

But my life was anything but easy. My life sucked. I knew she was waiting on an answer, so I gave her the truth.

"I don't know how to do the right thing by you, Bella. I don't know how to do the right thing by anyone at this point. I know I've hurt you... and I am so sorry. Things just... well they didn't really happen the way I had seen them happening. I don't even really know how I thought it would happen, but a baby... it... I'm not going to lie, Isabella... this was a shock."

She didn't say anything for a long while and instead focused on the passing roads and lights. I let her have her peace and concentrated on just driving. I couldn't deal with all the disappointment that I was sure to inflict on everyone.

I was trying to get back to my anger, but all I could feel angry about right now was the fact that my underwear were cutting off my circulation. I hadn't thought much about getting bigger underwear... damn it! I should of worn something less constricting.

Yeah. These were the thoughts running through my head right now. Not the fact that Edward had just basically admitted to being afraid of the lemon sized baby in my stomach. Sadly... when he worded it the way he had, I understood him a little bit more. I mean, I was afraid too!

I was the one who had to carry him or her for nine months, I was the one who had to put up with the Mary Magdalene jokes, and I was the one whose underwear was digging into her hips! I was about to go off on another mental rant, but he finally broke the silence.

"What are you thinking about?" I looked over to him and I could tell he was sincerely curious about what was running through my head, and suddenly I was utterly embarrassed about what was.

"Nothing profound, I can promise you that." I mumbled. He frowned as he listened to me and then gave me a pleading look.

"Come on, Bella... we have to start talking at some point... I know I'm a bit late, but... let's try." Fine he wanted honesty, he could have it.

"Fine, I was just thinking that I shouldn't of worn underwear! My hips hate me right now and I can feel the elastic digging into my pubic bone! There! Happy now?"

I watched his eyes go wide and his lips clamp down as if he wanted to laugh. I found myself smiling for the first time in the last fourteen weeks. We both lost the battle of not laughing and we shared an easy laughter together for what felt like the first time in ages.

Edward turned to me and shook his head with a brilliant smile still in place. I grinned in return and then turned back toward the window so that I could focus on the drive again.

True to word, Edward not only valeted the car, but he also had us placed in the more exclusive side of the restaurant. I gave him a look that asked him if he was serious, and in return I got a lazy grin as he placed his hand on the small of my back to lead me to the table. I made myself stay realistic though, he hadn't said that he was going to stick around or even be in the picture.

When we were seated and had menus in front of us, I let myself relax.

"So besides steak, what else has got your fancy?" I heard him ask. I glanced up over my menu and saw him smiling as he watched me. I felt a blush creep up my face at that and I once again found myself smiling.

"It changes from moment to moment..." I said as I shrugged my shoulders casually. He leaned forward then and watched me as if I were telling him some very treasured secret. I was taken aback by that and found myself leaning forward as well.

"Tell me... please." he said to me. I was lost in his eyes for a moment, but I recovered and began.

"I eat sautéed mushrooms a lot, which is weird because I never used to like mushrooms at all..." He smiled as I continued on. "And when I get tired but can't sleep, I like to eat a brownie..." His entire face warmed at that and he huffed out a breath as if he was amazed.

"Do you get a lot of cravings at night?" I knew he was trying his best to acknowledge the baby, acknowledge my pregnancy, and I could only imagine how hard it was for him to say that aloud and not whisper. I appreciated that.

"It's not so bad... well... I guess that's not true. Lately I have had a bowl of ice cream before bed every night." He laughed a good solid laugh and it brought a smile back to me. Just then thought, a strong cramp hit me and I flinched from the pain of it. Edwards laughing stopped immediately and his voice became one of great concern.

"Isabella are you alright? What's the matter?"

It was just one of the lovely growing pains that I had been going through lately. I took a deep breath and then sat back to answer him.

"It's just a cramp... my doctor said that I would be feeling them every now and then." I was better now, far more composed than I had been when the cramp hit, but Edward wasn't. If anything, he looked worse.

"Aren't cramps bad, Bella? I mean... are you sure that is normal?" If I didn't know how he truly felt about the baby, then I would have assumed that he was truly worried and wanted him or her. I knocked down the hope that began to swell in me and answered him.

"I'm sure, Edward. They really aren't all that bad. My doctor said that its just my body trying to make room for the baby." I went back to perusing the menu, but he didn't say another word. After a few seconds I realized he wasn't even looking at the menu. I looked up to see him watching me once more.

"You've been to a doctor then? How are.. I mean... well... did he say that...how are you and the baby doing?" I could have cried. In all of this mess, he had never once asked about the baby. This night was going to be full of firsts apparently. I tried to find my voice to answer him, but instead I found my eyes watering and my breathing uneven.

"What is it, Bella? Is there something wrong with you? With the baby?" Not helping! His concern right now was definitely not helping! I was aware that we were in a restaurant and that at some point I would have to stop hyperventilating. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe that way, and I was very happy when it worked. When I opened them though, he was no longer in front of me; he was already on his feet and moving to my side. Before I could ask what he was doing, he was kneeling beside me and his hands were again on my baby bump. I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't find the words. For a few seconds there, something passed between us... I had no idea what it was, but something definitely passed.

I knew this move could cause him some problems, and with the progress we had just made, I didn't want to see it diminished.

"Edward..." I whispered. "You should sit down... I don't want to... just... sit down okay?" He looked around as if he had forgotten where we were. He didn't jump up though; instead I watched him watch my stomach and then felt his fingers gently rub the baby. Only then did he get up and go back to his chair.

"Nothing is wrong with us... were both healthy." He frowned as if he didn't understand. No doubt he was confused because of my tears.

"It was the first time you asked." I said gently. I began playing with the edges of the silverware to have something to look at. "You've never asked about the baby..."

I looked up then and I saw his carefree face was now carrying a painful frown.

"I'm sorry about that." he stated sadly. Whether or not he was sorry about not asking or because he did, I wasn't sure.

"I have no real explanation, other than I was in denial." He spoke very low and I could tell it was the shame and not the fear that he did if for.

"I know this is hard, Edward. Really, I do. But I want so much more for this child than what I had. I mean... I get that you don't love me and that this isn't ideal... I'm not ideal... but all the same, I love you. This is special to me," I said that last part with my hand on my stomach. "Even if it's not to you."

EPOV

This was easily becoming the hardest moment of my life. I didn't want to let her believe that she wasn't special to me. She was the only one who was special to me... and this baby... my god this baby had me already in the palm of his or her hand. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no idea if I could make things right for them. Before I got the chance to work through my emotions though, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Edward, won't you introduce me to your friend?" And with my mother now standing to my side, I was faced with having to confront what I had so desperately wanted to put off.