EPOV
As I drove, I let myself think. I didn't have even the slightest clue as to what Isabella wanted right now. She was hurting, and rightfully so. When I had gotten out of the shower and heard the faint sound of a television, I knew things were going to be bad. I had tried to keep her from watching it all day; I didn't want her to see the shameful and disgusting behavior I had been exhibiting in the time we had been apart. I didn't have an excuse... I was just a fucked up person.
I had thought she'd gotten an abortion... she didn't. I had been with women even after I knew... even after I had kissed her.
I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the begging I would have to do as soon as we came face to face, but what I hadn't prepared myself for, were her words, her tears, or her hate. I could feel her pain resonating through her tears as she looked straight ahead without blinking. She was in shock. I had wracked my brain with words to say... I wanted to say something loving, comforting or even assuring, but I had nothing.
Hearing my actions from her own lips, from her own view... made me sick. I wanted to make it end. I didn't want to re-live any of it; I didn't want to remember any of it. It only reminded me of all the way's I was unworthy of her and her love... of the small life I had told her to get rid of. Yes, that was the worst part. I had done all of those things thinking she had gotten an abortion... thinking only of how I was free. I'll admit that I never once even considered what she was going through emotionally if she had gone through with it. I didn't have any second thoughts... at the time.
But now... my god. Now I was feeling everything. I could barely stand looking at myself in a mirror without hating myself for the things I had done and the way I had acted. Now I was daydreaming of the family that I had managed to create for myself and then singlehandedly thrown away. I poured hours of my day thinking and rethinking of all the ways I had wronged them both... how I had hurt the only person I had claimed to love. I didn't really see how Isabella was ever going to forgive me... I didn't know how I was going to come back from this. There simply was no hope in my eyes.
"Are we eating somewhere eclectic?" Bella asked softly. Her voice cut through my nervous mental rambling and I again kicked myself in the ass. I hadn't even asked her what she was in the mood for. Fuck!
"I actually was planning on taking you to a nice place called Shade, it's not very adventurous... but we can go anywhere you would like for what you're in the mood for, love." I began wracking my brain with different food types and then pinpointing the best places for each.
"No... I um... I was just asking because adventurous isn't really sitting well with me lately... last night Rose ordered Ethiopian and... Well yeah, it didn't sit well." she sounded sick just saying it and I felt bad for her. I wished I had been there to comfort her...
"The food here is good... at least that's what I remember. I haven't been here since it opened." I didn't want to take her anywhere that would cause the reporters and photographers to start comparing her with anyone I had brought somewhere else. I always knew they were taking pictures, I simply didn't care... but when I began thinking about where I wanted to take Bella... I let myself remember how they compared her doctor's visits with what I was doing those days and I could see the chaotic mess it would have caused to take her somewhere I had been with another girl. Aside from that... I didn't want Bella feeling like just another girl... she was the only girl... she was my girl. Or at least that's how I saw it.
We arrived to the restaurant and I valeted the car and went to meet her on her side after the attendant helped her from the car. I found myself suddenly so nervous. I wanted to hold her hand, or her waist and take her into my side, but I didn't think she wanted me to. Isabella caught me glancing at her and gave me a small smile but kept her distance. I felt my heart fall at the fact that she didn't want me to touch her... I had been right.
When we entered the hostess instantly recognized me, more than likely from the current airings of my disgusting ways, but all the same she immediately took us to a private corner on the patio with a view of the city. I watched Isabella for any sign that she was uncomfortable here, but she wore a content smile as she looked around and took in her surroundings. I wanted to see more of that smile... I was aching to see more of that smile. I could barely pull my eyes from her when she ordered herself a green tea and absent absentmindedly rubbed at our son. I was itching to move my seat so I could do the same... I wanted to feel him moving too. When we were alone, the silence was back but in this instance it was as if the quiet was screaming at us. I hated it... hated that I was the cause of her lack of conversation. This wasn't us... this wasn't Isabella. She was light and warmth... and... Well everything good. I wanted that feeling back.
"Bella" I said in an unsure way. I didn't know if she even wanted me to speak her name.
"Yes?" she asked while looking at her menu. Her nonchalant attitude was hurting me more than her lack of conversation. I frowned as I realized I didn't really have anything good to say... nothing meaningful or even remotely interesting. I really wanted to have one of the two to say... then I would feel like I had deserved her attention. But I didn't.
I had chagrin all over my face as I offered her a weak observation about the day. "The weather has been wonderful lately, hasn't it?" I closed my eyes and cringed as I realized just how stupid that was. We had about a hundred different issues resting on the table between us and all I had to say was that the weather was wonderful. God would be doing me a favor by letting me be swallowed up by a black hole right now.
"You're asking me about the weather? Really?" I opened my eyes to see her face with an entertained smile. I dropped my face into my hands with an embarrassed groan. "I know, I just... I don't want to even think about..." I stopped talking at that point. I couldn't even find a word to describe what it was that I had done to her. Wronged wasn't even near the hell I had created nor was it strong enough to emphasize what she would see it as.
"I don't want to talk about that here..." I opened my eyes to see her looking around us and frowning when she realized there were indeed camera clicks near and around us.
I instantly regretted the idea to take her out right now... to expose her in this way. I was used to this life, I hated it, but I was used to it. Bella was not.
"We can leave if you would rather..." I offered her. I just wanted her to be comfortable. Her eyes met mine and a sad smile lit up her face.
"I would say okay but I really am hungry... and was already here..." her words were embarrassed and her porcelain cheeks were tinged with the proof. I couldn't help the grin that stretched out across my face as I watched her. She was literally the most precious being I had ever met. Everything she did fascinated me; every emotion she felt was an emotion I wanted to know. I wanted her... any part she would give me.
"Bella... I..." I had so many things I wanted to say to her in that moment, some ridiculously romantic, some cliché and some rather embarrassing. Instead I grabbed her hand that rested on the table and held it in my own. That was all I did for the longest moment... I simply relished the warm and simple gesture... because she allowed me to do it.
We were pulled from that silence when the server came and took our order.
I honored Bella's wishes about not speaking about the storm of issues that I was faced with owning up to. Instead we spent the hour and a half lunch speaking only of our son... our son.
I was certain that even if I heard and said that statement every minute of every day that it would never get old. The son that she was carrying inside of her right now owned me completely. I told her those very words and watched as she would speak about him with such an adoring longing. She loved him too... she was absolutely taken with him.
I found that the more we spoke of him, the more emotional I felt. I had known that I would not be able to leave the baby even before we knew it was a boy... but now... well I found myself drowning in all the different feelings that would assault me. In that hour and a half that we spoke, I imagined his future... I imagined his first breath, step, laugh, and kiss... his first love. It was in that thought that I realized that Isabella was my own. She was my first love. I had never loved another woman... I had never thought I would even want to, and now... well now I knew I never would. It was only Bella... it would only ever be Bella.
When we were back in the quiet car, I began driving in the direction of Isabella's home. I hated every second of it. Each second we drove felt like another knife in my already weakening heart. It felt like I was driving her away from me.
I had tried to keep up our easy going talk about our son... but, she was suddenly very quiet. I was unsure of whether to try finding out or whether to just leave her in peace. I didn't want to screw up anymore, but sadly that is all I seemed to be doing lately. However I threw caution to the wind when we were only a block away from her home.
"Isabella... I... please don't make me leave you... stay with me... please..." Yes, I was aware of how sad and pathetic it sounded, even my own ears registered the plea, and however Bella didn't even flinch.
"I don't think you and I being together right now is something I'm ready for... I just really want to be alone." She didn't even take her eyes off the window as she said it. She wasn't going to be swayed... and I didn't want her to be. So I stayed silent for the rest of the drive.
When we pulled up to her home, I got out and helped her from the car and walked her to her door. There was nothing left for me to do but turn around and leave... and still I couldn't do it. She would need to be the one to turn away... I couldn't do it. I didn't have the will power to do it.
"Thank you for coming today, Edward." That was all she said as she unlocked her door and pushed it open. I stood there staring at her form and then found the words and the will to respond.
"Thank you for telling me... for letting me be there... It was... well it was the greatest moment of my life." I heard my voice breaking but I tried to discreetly cough to cover it up. Bella simply nodded but wouldn't face me.
I couldn't leave things this way... I couldn't just leave.
"Please look at me, Bella... please." I heard her take a deep breath before she turned to look at me, and when she did, I saw why she hadn't. Her eyes were filled with so much pain, so much hurt and emptiness. She was broken... I had broken her.
Before I could think about what I was doing, I pulled her into my arms and held her to my body as tight as I would allow myself without hurting her. My left arm embraced her soft body securely as my right hand clutched up her back and in to her hair. I wanted to take her pain and make it my own, I wanted to give her some peace, I wanted to give her the love she had given me... I wanted her hurt to disappear... but I couldn't do anything but sob into her form.
"I'm sorry for what I have done to you... for everything that hurts you and makes you feel this way. I hate myself! I hate everything about me... I hate that I tainted your remarkable life with my existence..." I was trying to tell her, trying to make her see how much I wanted things to be better for her.
I felt her body shaking in my arms as her small hands fisted my shirt and clung to my form tighter. All to soon though her grip loosened and without another word she was through her door and I was outside on her stoop alone. I had never felt more alone than I did in that moment.
Like an old man, I made my way down the steps and back into my car. When I stared the engine I realized I didn't want to go home... I didn't want to be alone.
About ten minutes into my drive, I realized I was driving to my parents home. I hadn't realized that was where I was going, but when I processed the path, I pushed the pedal to go faster.
When I arrived to the house, I let myself in and began looking for my mother. I needed her to tell me what to do. I searched the entire bottom floor and then began on the second. I heard typing coming from my father's study and I decided to let him know I was here. I popped my head through the door and found him there with his glasses on and wearing a look of great determination. I glanced down at my hands and saw the dvd I was holding of the baby's sonogram... I wanted to tell him.
"Dad" I said as I knocked lightly on his open door. His head popped up and a half smile met me as I stepped inside. I shuffled to the chair across his own as he sat back and took off his glasses to rub his eyes.
"It's good to see you, Edward"
When I was seated and in the silent room, I looked back down to my hands and smiled. I looked up and saw my father with a curious expression as he glanced at it as well. I decided to just go ahead and tell him the news even though my mother wasn't around.
"Were having a boy..." My words were even and warm. My fathers face was suddenly very wondrous and indulgent as he picked up the case from my hands and read the words across the top, Little Boy Cullen/Swan, was what it said.
After what felt like eternity, my father looked up into my eyes. "Congratulations Edward..." he still sounded as if he were in a dream world, but I could tell the emotion he was speaking from was happiness. I simply nodded my head and let it all sink in again, I felt it all like I did the first time, but this time it came with pain. I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed. I cried like that until I felt the embrace of my father's arms surrounding me. I didn't pull away, instead I fell apart even more and just let him comfort me. I needed it.
I sobbed like a small child there in his arms... in the office I would hide in as a child when I had wanted to be alone... in the office I would sit under the desk in so that I could spend time with him while he worked.
Eventually I calmed down and found the strength to sit again. I felt my father retreat to his own seat and we both stayed silent while I regained my composure.
"I'm sorry" I offered with a small shake of my head.
"There is nothing to be sorry for" he replied softly.
"I really fucked things up dad... I hurt her so badly... over and over again."
He didn't try and contest that, he knew it was the truth.
"I've lost her, Dad."
"So get her back." he said simply.
I dropped my head into my hands again as the reality of what I was about to say hit me. "I don't think I can get her back..."
Again he said nothing, and for the length of two heart beats there was no sound, but that was over the second he spoke again.
"Edward, I'm going to tell you something... but in telling you this I know I am going to lose your respect... maybe even some of your love, but you need to hear it... you need to."
I didn't say anything, but I sat up straight and gave him my full attention. I watched him drop his head just as I had done moments before and then he started.
"Years ago... you were probably about six or so... I had an affair. I had met a woman, she propositioned me... and I accepted. I won't go into the details, but I did it. I didn't think about what it would do to your mother, to our marriage... to you. When it was all said and done, I told myself that it was a one time thing, that I would never let anything like that happen ever again, and I didn't. However the woman came to me after and demanded money. She threatened to tell the media... your mother... anyone who would listen. I gave into her demands and gave her what she wanted. But she told your mother anyway."
I couldn't breath. My world was spinning out of control and my stomach was churning.
"I had hurt your mother in a way I could never fix. She hurt so deeply and for so long because of me... because of my thoughtless and despicable act. I thought she would leave me... take you and never turn back. But she didn't." His voice broke on that last part and he had to wipe at his eyes for the tears that were falling now.
I stared back at my father slack jawed and speechless. I didn't know what to think, what to say or what to feel. Still he continued.
"It didn't happen overnight... it didn't happen with my help... but she found a way to forgive me. She loved me completely and with her entire heart... even when I had wronged her and hurt her so deeply. I will never forget the look on her face when I came home that day and learned that she knew. It haunts me to this day Edward... still... I will never forget her eyes."
I could see how hard it was for him to get the words out but he pushed until he did. I sat across from him shaking with both hate and pain. I couldn't believe that he had done that to my mother... to his wife... to the woman he claimed to love with his entire being.
"She forgave me, Edward. And she let me into her heart again..." I was trying to draw a conclusion, but I was too shocked... too sick.
"You can make it back from anything, Son... you can make it back."
I felt a kiss to my forehead and it startled me. I turned quickly and found my mother with a sad smile and watery eyes as she met my eyes. I stood and hugged her fiercely for a long moment, she was the one to break the hug and I watched as she went to my father and wiped his tears and then kissed him before whispering something for only him to hear.
I felt like I was intruding on their moment, so I grabbed the dvd and was prepared to wait down stairs to give them some privacy.
"Edward... I'm sure your mother would be delighted to hear the wonderful news..." my dad called out with a raw voice. I stopped and turned back to see her with a curious expression as she examined what I was holding. I smiled to her and told her what was indeed amazing news.
"Isabella is carrying my son... she's giving me a son." I was back in my mothers arms in an instant and as I relished the feeling of contentment there, she gently gave me her advice.
"You owe her the sun and the moon, Edward... for what she will endure for you... for what she will give you... you give her the world. Do you understand me? Just give her some time..."
Her words were cut off by the ringing of my cell phone. I pulled it from my pocket and saw that it was Isabella calling. I answered it immediately.
"Hello!" I realized how anxious I sounded, but I didn't have time to feel embarrassed.
"Edward, its Rosalie... you need to get to the hospital, Bella is on her way there in an ambulance."
I felt my body go cold as I processed those words. A crushing agony spread through my body as I imagined every horrible scene that could have happened. I didn't realize I was screaming until my mother had grabbed the phone and my father was shaking me.
"We don't know what's wrong yet, Edward... you need to be calm!" he tried to reason, but I wasn't hearing anything other than Rosalie's words playing in a loop through my head. Before I knew it, we were in the car and on our way to Bella... on our way to find out what was happening with the two most important people in my world... Isabella and my son.