EPOV

Evenings were always the worst for me, because when the house was quiet and room was still, my mind became free to really explore the depths of my self hate. I didn't want to feel this way... I didn't want to feel like a fraud, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't shake the guilt.

I had thought that when Caleb was finally born, I would be able to let go of the past and just focus on making the future perfect, but I couldn't. It wasn't right for me to just move on to the happy ending when I had been the source of so much pain.

I knew realistically that I needed to try and stop dwelling on the past, and I probably could have if Bella would of just been angry at me... but her forgiveness is what made it all he more worse. She wasn't vindictive or hateful... she didn't curse me or punish me in any way and because of it, I was swimming in my own personal hate. I was still doing laps in that pool when I heard Caleb begin to whimper a little from the monitor and I jumped out of bed, eager for the opportunity to hold him once more.

I had a smile the size of Texas as I made my way down the hall to his nursery. I had heard through the grapevine that most fathers weren't very pleased to have to wake in the night and take turns with feeding and diaper changes... but not me. I loved being able to share these experiences with Isabella. I loved my son completely... I owed him and Isabella my undying devotion and aside from any of that, I simply wanted to do it.

"Hey little man, what's the matter?" I gently lifted my own personal miracle and placed him softly against my bare chest and the relief that flooded me was far greater than the guilt that had been resting there moments before. I felt him take two very big breaths and kick his ever so tiny feet in happiness. He loved to be held, and I was happy to oblige. I took in a calming breath and kissed his tender forehead as I absorbed his unique and fresh smell... his scent was so therapeutic, it was perfect.

"Are you hungry, son? You want your baba?" funny how words that aren't even words become part of your vocabulary when you have a baby. I had absolutely no foolish pride when it came to Caleb and there wasn't a single part of me that was embarrassed in in the slightest about that. I walked with him in my arms to the small glass refrigerator we had installed in the nursery just day's before and pulled a small bottle filled with milk that Bella had pumped earlier. As I placed the bottle in the warmer, Caleb began whimpering and kicking more forceful, no doubt being unhappy about having to wait a moment before he could have it.

I gently kissed his soft hair and stroked at is toes as I placed him upright over my shoulder and paced with him in hopes to calm him. I didn't want Bella to wake, she'd had such a long day as it was and her body was still recovering from giving birth. "Come on buddy, let's have some man time and let momma sleep alright?" Caleb stirred a little longer but then connected his fist to his mouth and sucked on that and it seemed to please him for the time being. I smiled at the site of him in all his glory and it tugged at my heart.

Once more the shame I had for the way I had disregarded him and Isabella began to eat at me. It never failed that in moments of peace like this, that I would be hit with my shame all over again. There was simply no getting past it, there was no switch I could turn to make it stop. Caleb's life was a beautiful thing... but along with the beauty was the ugliness that I had made out of it. I had sat in a booth at a cheap diner and told his mother to kill him. I told that warm soul to undo something as magnificent as Caleb.

I held my son tighter and was suddenly feeling very weak. I didn't trust myself not to fall to the ground so I carefully walked us to the rocking chair near the corner and took a seat to be safe. As we rocked for I kissed his copper tinted hair and rubbed my cheek along his soft skin as I pondered all the things that I had done and said in the time he was conceived and born. I didn't even realize I was crying until I kissed at his hair and my lips met a wet spot. Just then the bottle warmer went off and I fetched the milk and we made our way back to the chair.

"Daddy has your baba buddy... here ya go." I smiled through my tears as he furiously worked on the bottle in him mouth. His fist long forgotten but taking up residence at the side of his glorious face. As he drank his milk, I watched him in awe. I had never been much of a sentimental man, but sitting with my son in his nursery, in our home... it was priceless.

I was doing my best to keep the negative away, so I began sharing a story with him... a story that was sure to chase away my demons.

"Did I ever tell you about the day I met your mommy?" I chuckled at the question... because I obviously hadn't told him, and he obviously wasn't going to answer. I continued on as though he had though. "Well, I was a stupid guy back then and pretty selfish, however as I walked around a crowded room for a gala that merged our family company with a competitors, my eyes met what I can only describe as an angel." I had to take a deep breath from just the memory alone. "Your mother was simply standing at the entrance and taking in the room but she was a vision... my god, son, she was magnificent. I had never seen her before and I was instantly angry for having been kept from something so absolutely beautiful and..." I wanted to say sexy, but it felt wrong speaking of Isabella that way to our son... even if he had no clue what the hell I was talking about. "Well... never mind that, let's just say that I was not happy that I had never seen her."

Caleb was for the time being done with his milk so I discarded the bottle and wiped his mouth and set the cloth over my shoulder to prepare for his burp. When he was all settled in his spot, I began again as I patted his back gently.

"Any-who, I went right up to her and asked her to dance. It took some convincing and the assurance that I would not be letting go of her all evening, but finally we made our way to the dance floor and I was given the gift of holding your mother for the first time. She fit so perfectly with me... she felt so right." As I said those words, a new round of hate washed upon me as I remembered how I had walked away from her without a word when the dance was over. I had done it because my grandfather had been watching us. I stayed away for the rest of the night... but I continued to watch her. I watched as other men watched her, I watched as other men danced with her and brought her drinks and made her laugh. I had been green with envy at the end of it all and had pulled her out to the balcony with me in a moment of intensity and kissed her. I had done it because I wanted to but also because there were other men... men that would not take their eyes off of her and I didn't want any of them to take her... she was mine. I knew realistically that she couldn't really be, that this was going to be nothing more than a fling, but all the same I wanted for those men to see me kiss her... to think she was not available, to leave her alone.

I was pulled from my self loathing when I heard Caleb's small burp. I chuckled at that and gently brought him back into a cradle rest and tapped at his tiny diaper in an attempt to soothe him for sleep. Looking down at my son, there was a swell of pride inside of me, because for a moment I was able to justify my selfish behavior... because Caleb was the outcome. He was here and part of my stupidity that night was the reason. I had never been happier that I was a jealous bastard. I kissed his head and continued on.

"I kissed your mommy for the first time after we danced... and it was like... like nothing I had ever experienced. She was so different, so... I don't know, I guess different just about covers it. See... I was not exactly what you would consider a gentleman. I was horrible, Caleb. I... I was the kind of guy that I will raise you to never be." I sighed and rested my head against the chair as I thought seriously about what I wanted to say. This was something I really felt I needed to tell him, even though he couldn't respond or even tell me what he felt."I didn't believe your mommy could be in my family... there is a lot more to that story, but at the end of the day, I didn't even try to find out. I took mommy out on dates, but we did nothing even remotely romantic... because... I was too scared to fall in love with her. I knew it would be easy, falling in love with her would be effortless, like breathing... but I.. I didn't believe there could be a happy ending for us. I had wanted to stop seeing her... but I couldn't let her go, so I was stingy and kept going to her, calling her. I took her for a walk on our first date, I had packed a small dinner for us, because I wanted to do something nice for her. Since I was not man enough to take her to the finest restaurant in the city, we dined near the water and I was lucky enough to receive another kiss from her and it was then that I decided that as long as I could keep her in someway, then I would not let her go." I looked down at the tiny baby in my arms and smiled at him as he looked at me as if I were a mystery. Caleb had my eyes but aside from the color, he had Isabella's depth. I could feel myself drowning in their stare and once again the pain of what I had asked of Bella... no, not asked... told, the pain of what I told her to do hit me once more. I felt as if my insides were being kicked and instantly I wondered if that was how she felt when I had said it. My chest began to tighten at the thought of Caleb hurting as I hurt her, how he must have felt her complete agony as I told her that she and he were unwanted and unloved. The pain was even worse as Caleb began to playfully kick and gurgle in my arms. I couldn't imagine a world in which he didn't exist. A world where I was anywhere but in this nursery holding my son as my wife slept peacefully down the hall.

"You felt it didn't you?" again my tears fell and I couldn't make them stop. I cuddled my innocent gift incredibly closer and kissed his tiny cheeks, hair and nose. I breathed him in deeply and wrapped his small body with just one of my hands. He was so small... but... amazingly big. "You must have been hurting too..." I sobbed at the realization of what I had done was much deeper than with only Isabella. It was already hell knowing I had harmed an angel... but now I realized I had actually hurt two. "I am so sorry for hurting you and mommy, son. I will never go a day without that regret." and I wouldn't. I would forever carry that shame, because it was something I could never make right. Nothing would fix that... absolutely nothing. "I can never make that right, but I promise that I love you, that I want you and that for the rest of our lives we will be a family. I will never leave you... either of you. You both are my world."

I was too gone to say anything more, so for the longest while I just rocked him. I continued to breath him in, to kiss his small form and whisper my love. It was all I could offer. As the quiet embraced us, sleep took him and I placed him gently in his crib. I cleaned up the milk and checked his diaper and when all was right in his world, I wiped my eyes, said a thank you to god and made my way back to the only other person who carried my absolute devotion.

As I crawled in bed, I moved as close to Isabella as I could get... I rested my head against the pillow but it felt wet... I glanced down and noticed she and I were sharing the same one now... I pulled her closer and kissed her temple then caught site of what was directly in her sight... the monitor for the nursery... and the volume was obviously all the way up. I squeezed her body a little firmer and buried my face in her hair as the reality of what she had heard washed over me. I wasn't upset... she was welcome to hear any old thing I ever wanted to say... I just wished it hadn't made her cry. I decided to not say anything, she obviously didn't want to talk about it.

Just as I was drifting to sleep, she broke the silence. "I'm happy that you were stingy that night... it wasn't perfect, but we still have Caleb..." nothing more was said about it and we simply held each other as we fell into a our dreams.