setting: episode 6 "Secrets"

Salvation

Chapter 12 - Suspicion

They reached the spot where they wanted to teach people how to handle guns around noon. Connor helped Rick and Shane by placing some empty bottles on the fence as targets, going to great lengths to make sure he did whatever they wanted from him and expected of him. He knew it was absolutely ridiculous and so unlike him to take orders and simply carry them out, but he really wanted to make this work. He knew that after all the suicide attempt drama and their first impressions of each other this was actually his first chance to really prove his worth and show them what he had to offer for the group.

He refrained from lecturing people when he saw that some of them were holding the guns wrong and instead stood back with the others to listen to what the former sheriffs had to say instead. It also gave him some time to think about his own past with firearms and his very own training, how him and…Murphy had been taught by their uncle in a farm field just like this one over 20-something years ago. Unlike his father or uncle him and Murphy had never had professional training, had never been in wars, but all those years of shooting Mafiosi had really paid off in the end. He was glad that they didn't question his experience and past, just seemed to view him as welcome addition to their otherwise two man-cop team to train the others. But even now, especially now, he wondered how the hell he was ever supposed to tell them about his past. He hated keeping secrets. He hated more or less lying. But the relationship was still too fragile.

After a moment, Shane snapped him right out of his train of thoughts when he started talking.

"Gun work is serious business" the former deputy said and Connor sighed, moving his head a bit to get his sore muscles to ease up and get ready for the action. "Even if you do everything right, accidents, they still happen."

Oh yes. Accidents with guns always happened.

Connor gritted his teeth and forced himself not to think about Murphy again, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never fight the memories. Glimpses of him and Murphy shooting shit back in Ireland, Murphy getting knocked on his arse by the kickback, the fucking cat on the wall, Murphy…in Boston. Bloodied. Hurt. Boston had been an accident. It had all been an…Connor squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and shook his head angrily, forcing himself to concentrate. He then quickly opened his eyes again and focused on Shane and his lecture.

"You always think before you pull the trigger. You always think fast, but you think. Know the consequences. You never fire a weapon unless you have a very good reason. And that's gotta be a reason that you can live with. Cos a death – that stays with you. That's forever."

So much for forgetting and focusing. Connor swallowed hard when he heard that.

A death. That stays with you. That's forever.

Not all the deaths he had caused had stayed with him. But some certainly had. One in particular. And he knew that it was forever. Focus. Focus. Focus, Connor thought to himself and shook his body a bit to ease up when he felt himself get close to slipping once again.

"Carl" Shane called out and Connor looked up to watch what was happening. Rick's son looked at Shane as well, only to give him a nod as he stepped forward. Rick, Shane and Lori were talking to the kid for a moment and the Irishman used the time to check his own guns, to be ready if they needed him for anything.

"Okay, Carl's gonna show us how" Shane said when he stepped back to give his friend's son some space. The kid took his time to take aim and still missed, but everyone clapped and cheered anyway, even Connor. Carl had a happy smile on his face no matter what and looked at his parents for further guidance. Rick gave him a proud nod and nudge his son. He then passed Carl to walk back towards the rest of the group.

"Alright, three rounds a piece. Everyone stay alert. We're taking a risk with the noise but it's a necessary one" he explained and everyone got ready for practice. Shane joined his friend and started walking back, too.

"Just make these count! Range is hot!"

Their trainees prepared their weapons and started to take aim. At first, Connor stood somewhat behind them a bit awkwardly, but thankfully, it didn't take Rick and Shane long to give him something to do.

"Alright, why don't you help the little gangster over there, make yourself useful" Shane said and pointed at Jimmy the farmhand, who was holding his gun horizontally, pretending to be one of those movie thugs.

Connor scoffed as they both looked at him.

Of course they wouldn't let him teach anyone of their group. Of course they wouldn't let him anywhere near the women or kids.

"Sure" Connor still said after giving Shane a bit of a look and then simply walked forward. He whistled at Jimmy, who startled a bit and turned around to look at him. The others started shooting their targets in the meantime.

"Hey, come on. Yer not serious, are ye" Connor muttered and grabbed the gun from the boy's hands. He could feel how Shane was instantly keeping an eye on him, but the Irishman didn't care. They wanted him to be of use. So he damn right was going to do this the proper right way.

"Yer nat some gangsta wannabe. This is serious. Both hands on te grip. Hold it steady, finger off te trigger until right before ye wanna fire the shot. Strong, solid stance like this" the Irishman explained and showed the farmhand what he meant. "Take yer time, aim at what you wanna shoot, don't wave about with the gun, focus. Take aim.." he went on and did what he was talking about, fully concentrating on nothing else but the glass bottles and empty cans on the farm fence. Then, he pulled the trigger once, then twice, then for a third time, hitting two bottles and a can and knocking them off the fence. "Shoot" Connor finished and then got the gun ready for his student. He lowered it and handed it back, overly cautious and way more textbook than he'd done it in a long time.

As he stepped back to let Jimmy try, he caught a glimpse of how just for a moment, the others had been watching him, especially Rick and Shane. A part of Connor already expected them to come forward and give him shit for taking a loaded gun when they had explicitly told him not to, but much to his surprise they actually wouldn't. They simply walked on and let him do as he pleased.

Jimmy tried to copy what Connor had done in the meantime and successfully managed to hit a target after the third try. "Did you see that?!" he exclaimed excitedly in order to get his teacher's attention.

Connor was momentarily preoccupied with the fact that Rick had just given him an approving nod, but he immediately got back to his student the moment the former sheriff decided to help his son.

"Yeah I did, man. Nice job" the Irishman told Jimmy and nudged his shoulder approvingly, only to correct his shooting stance a bit.

For a pretty long while they shot guns and practiced and Connor was really surprised to discover how much he actually enjoyed this whole thing. It kept his mind off things in a nice way and despite everything, his general mood and his past and his troubles, he still couldn't fight the fact that he enjoyed other people's company, enjoyed bossing people around and being on top of it again.

He was even more surprised when Shane eventually and almost casually told him to make rounds and help the others too, quickly including him in the entire teaching process with the rest of the group. No matter what they thought about each other, it hadn't taken the deputy long to understand that Connor was the real deal, that he was an important asset and hadn't been lying about his past experience with firearms.

Soon he'd made the entire round, helped Andrea and Beth and Patricia and Carol until he reached the Grimes family. With Rick personally helping his son, Connor naturally walked right past them to help the next closest person, but it was then when he was suddenly included.

"I'm never gonna hit it" Carl muttered, sounding a bit displeased, despite Rick's tries to comfort him.

"Just give it time. You're already doing a great job, son" his father answered, but Carl just kept his eyes fixed on Andrea and Connor.

"Jimmy could hit the target after he showed him" the youngest Grimes said and Rick found himself looking back and forth between his son and the latest addition to the group. Both parents exchanged a glance, urged by the disappointed look on their child's face. After a very long while, Connor then heard Rick call his name.

The Irishman immediately looked up with a curious frown and then came over to them when Rick gave him a bit of a wave. Carl immediately looked at his father, seemingly embarrassed by the whole thing as he muttered a hushed "Dad".

Connor could see that Rick was a bit unsure of him around his still injured son, but the Irishman got the vibe that maybe this was just another test for the both of them.

"Aye?" he asked as he carefully approached the Grimes family to see what they wanted.

Rick once again looked at his son and then back at Connor, only to finally crack a little smile.

"Carl here wants to learn your secret. How you manage to always hit the targets."

Connor looked back and forth between Rick and Carl, only to crack a smile, too.

"Ye really wanna know?" he asked and Carl looked at him, only to nod shyly. Connor dragged it out on purpose, but in the end he didn't keep the boy waiting for too long.

"Point and shoot, That's my secret" Connor said with a wink, only to give in to a small chuckle. Carl gave him a bit of a frown and looked away, obviously not pleased with the answer. Even Rick laughed a tiny bit and placed a hand on his son's shoulder to massage it.

"Come on."

Connor kept his eyes fixed on them, wondering. Lori was carefully watching his every step around her son as well, so after a moment of consideration, the Irishman decided to ask first.

"May I?" he asked both adults and pointed at Carl and the gun. Lori looked at her husband and he looked back. Connor expected them to decline, but Rick surprised him once again.

"Sure" he said and placed himself next to his son's other side to be there if need be.

Connor looked at Lori who eventually gave him a nod, too, so Connor gladly knelt down next to Carl, carefully maneuvered his arm around him and then held the gun along with him to help him take aim.

"Alright. Just take yer time. Rely on your instincts, your gut feeling. Don't be scared, don't be nervous. Don't be anything. Just point and shoot. Just point.." Connor muttered and then gently adjusted Carl's position and gun. Just like the boy he completely concentrated on the target, let everything else slip away. "And shoot" the Irishman went on and Carl immediately pulled the trigger, missing once again.

He let out a frustrated sigh and wanted to lower the gun, but Connor urged him to keep going.

"Nah ah, come on. One more time. Don't get angry. Remember. No feelings. No thoughts or worries. Just focus."

Carl looked at him with a frown, but eventually took aim again once he'd taken a deep breath. He just looked at the target, taking his time for a while, then he pulled a trigger for a second time. And this time, he finally did hit something. He cheered and immediately looked at his father.

"I got it!" the boy cheered and grinned at Rick who smiled back and patted his shoulder. "That was a great shot" he complimented his son and seemed very pleased. Connor was pleased at first too and ready to say something as well, but his day took a turn for the worse once again when just for a moment, he caught a glimpse of Murphy not too far away from the fence.

Carl was still busy talking with his parents and being so happy about his first hit. Connor quickly got back on his feet and nudged the little boy once with a acknowledging "Well done, boy" to not seem too weird with his quickly distancing himself from the shooting range. "Be right back" he told Rick on top of it, but then he already and quickly got going because he needed to get the hell away before things escalated and screwed everything up.

He turned his back on the group and walked away from them, just focusing on the grass below his feet until he decided to grab another smoke for relaxation. He did not dare to turn back around for a while, eager to forget about Murphy and his personal setbacks, but it wasn't easy.

Now that he'd seen him, the flashbacks pretty much wanted to force themselves upon him. He could feel his hands starting to shake, hear the ringing in his ears and the smoke in his lungs only made it worse. After all, he was still having trouble breathing normally after yesterday. But it was almost a good kind of pain and struggle that accompanied it all, a struggle that helped him become grounded in the real world again.

"You alright?" he heard someone behind him say and startled a bit because he hadn't expected anyone to follow him so soon after he'd just left. For a terrifying moment his still fragile mind was playing tricks on him and he thought it to be Murphy's voice, but when he turned around he was facing Rick instead.

Connor coughed out some smoke and forced himself to relax, giving the former deputy a slight nod.

"Aye, sure. Just needed a smoke break and figured I shouldn't be doin it around yer son" he lied and then rubbed his mouth a bit nervously, only to put his cigarette back in it. He then finally allowed himself to look back again.

Murphy wasn't there anymore.

All he could see was the group still trying to shoot at bottles and Carl who was excitedly talking to his mother about his first hit target. Rick just placed himself next to Connor for a while to keep watch and occasionally fix his eyes on Carl.

"Thank you for that" he said after a moment, which made Connor look at him with a little frown.

"Playing along. He needs to learn not to be afraid around guns."

The Irishman looked at Carl again and nodded.

"Aye, sure. Thanks fer letting me near 'im and letting me try. 's the least I can do."

They just kept watching the others and Connor waited for the former deputy to go on, but Rick took his time to say what he obviously came here to say. To make it less tense and awkward for himself Connor decided to break the ice a little more.

"He's a natural that one" he said and pointed at Carl with the smoking cigarette between his fingers. "Took me a whole lot longer than him ta hit anything when I first started out."

Rick chuckled a little bit and looked down.

"Yeah. Shane's secretly told him all about our work back in the day. Got him all excited about it. I guess that's where this comes from."

Connor didn't know what to say to that, but he still gave in to a little smile. No matter what, he really appreciated the fact that they were trying to engage in some sort of small talk.

"Did you have any kids?" Rick asked after a moment and Connor scoffed in surprise.

"No, why?"

"Nothing. You just handled him pretty well. It already looks like you got a new fan" the policeman said as he watched his son with a proud smile on his face.

Connor smirked as he looked at Carl, too.

"Really."

"Yeah. You made quite the impression on him when you hit all those targets."

And there it was again. The silence. Eventually, Rick finally got on with it.

"So what exactly did you do before this whole thing started?" the former deputy asked and simply looked at Connor questioningly. The Irishman slowly turned his head to face this group's leader, but he still winced at the pain in his bruised neck.

For a second, he actually thought about simply telling Rick the truth because after all, he was all about that. He wanted to be honest, wanted them to trust him just so he could stay here and be with his brother's lookalike. But he knew that it was still too early. Knew that he'd only just made some progress with Rick and his family moments ago. He simply didn't want to destroy that. At least not yet.

"Did ye ever hear about Guiseppe Yakavetta?" the Irishman tried cautiously, but Rick thankfully just shook his head.

"Not that I know of."

Connor nodded and faced the farm fields again.

"He was a big shot mafia don in Boston back in te 90s. We lived in south Boston, pretty rough back in te day, so go figure. I'm not gonna lie, we weren't exactly sweet lil' angels either and had our fair share of bar fights back there, too. But at the end of the day we fully lived up t'our faith 'n church. We were nowhere near close t'these guys like Yakavetta" he explained and let out a little sigh. Connor took his time to think this through and simply took another drag on his cigarette first. Then he went on.

"Bein te way we were, we got int'a barfight over a few shots with some thugs that turned out ta be the wrong kinda people. These Mafioso's nearly killed me and..me and my brother over it. We got out and survived but…we got dragged right inta it. Police. Feds. Mafia. Te whole deal. We picked up a few things back then, later fled back ta Ireland with our Da. He used ta be in the army, taught us a lot of things about guns and such. We was a lot of things. Meat packers. Dock workers, worked on a ship. Back in Ireland we were shepherds fer a while. Hunted our own food 'n took care of sheep. That sorta thing. Had ta fend off wild animals and such t'keep te herd safe. So I'm..kinda used ta all this."

Rick looked at him a little while longer, looked at him deeply, and Connor knew that the other man was especially looking at his bruises, too.

"You and your brother were close?" Rick even dared to ask, which made the Irishman scoff and look away. He took another shaky drag on his cigarette and then pressed his lips together after blowing out the smoke, started biting on his lips with a pained expression on his face, until he nodded and looked down.

"Very" he admitted and struggled really hard not to start bawling right away. "Never spent a minute apart ever since we were born. He was pretty much my fuckin everything" he said, voice breaking a bit until he angrily cleared his throat.

"Yeah" Rick muttered and kept his eyes fixed on Lori and Carl. "Family is everything."

It was quiet for a long while as the leader of the group gave Connor some time to get it back together.

"Thank you for telling me more. I appreciate your honesty" Rick said after a while and Connor looked him in the eye. Rick took his time to go on, but not before carefully inspecting the Irishman for a final time. Then he gave in to his gut instincts.

"You're part of this now. This group. Just think about that from now on. After what I've seen today and what Andrea told me, what you just told me - we definitely need you here with us. And we need you alive and well. That's all I wanted to say."

Then he offered Connor his hand.

"Welcome to our group."

For a while, the Irishman just looked at it, thought about the two possibilities. He still didn't know whether he even wanted to keep on living. Deciding against it meant giving in, allowing himself to let go, go and die in fact. Just like he'd planned to do it in the church before they had found him. Taking this hand, shaking it, agreeing to it, that would mean another responsibility. That would mean another promise.

No. Promise... Fucking promise me ye…won't kill... yerself. Promise.

Shaking the hand meant trying. Staying here. Living on. For the group, for someone else.

After a while of staring at it, Connor finally took the hand and shook it.

"Thank you."

Rick gave him a smile and put his other hand on his shoulder. Then, with a nod, he let go, turned around and went back to his family.