setting: between episodes 6 "Secrets" and 7 "Pretty Much Dead Already"

Salvation

Chapter 14 – When The Levee Breaks

T-Dog came to take over the watch. Daryl had been sitting all alone on top of the RV for the past couple of hours. Connor hadn't come back after their fight. The hunter returned to their tent and found the Irishman who was already sleeping. Daryl sighed and got changed. He knew that he was still telling Connor to kill himself way too often, and right now he felt a bit paranoid. Last time they had parted after a fight like that he had found the Irishman hanging somewhere the next day. He hated that the weirdo was so mentally unstable all the time, and that he had to feel paranoid and guilty because of it.

The most annoying thing about it was that he hated and despised Connor because of that, but at the same time he meant too much to him already, meaning that he didn't want him to leave or kill himself either. Daryl knew that he was always kind of terrorizing Connor with all his talk, simply because he wanted to hurt him so he would stop, but now he had to realize that his friend was doing just the same with him. It was an endless mind game between them, and that made him angry. He fell down next to the Irishman and stared at the ceiling for a while. He hated that there was no way out of this.

It was the first night Daryl didn't hear him cry. It was way worse. He was woken up when he felt Connor tossing and turning next to him. Daryl wanted to complain and punch the Irishman, but when he turned his head he saw that Connor's eyes were squeezed shut. He could hear soft whimpers and it looked like the Irishman was also talking during his sleep. Daryl didn't understand everything because sometimes he believed that Connor was speaking in an other language.

"Looks like te fucker got ye big time" Connor breathed shakily and moved abruptly.

"What?" the hunter asked and frowned.

"What are ye talkin about, shut up, af course yer going ta make it!"

Daryl sat up and growled. He placed a hand on the Irishman's shoulder and started shaking him. Connor startled but wouldn't open his eyes.

"Oh god, no! Fuck! Help! We need ta get ye to a fuckin hospital!...Yeah I fuckin know they're all overrun...Somebody help us! I'll get ye back tagether Murph..I.."

"Wake up yah freak!" Daryl growled and shook him once more.

The Irishman started sobbing.

"Fuck, there's so much blood..oh Christ,Murphy,what do I do? What do I fuckin do?" he yelled and shook his head angrily.

"There's nothing yah gotta do, there's no freaking blood here, wake up asshole!" Daryl yelled but somehow Connor just wouldn't wake up.

"No. I said no! Ye can't ask me that! No! I can't fuckin do that..I said no! No, yer my fuckin brother..no Murph. I won't do that... I know it's yer fuckin dying wish but fuck that! Yer not dying cos see? I'm still breathing, and as long as I do, ye do as well, do ye fuckin understand? We live tagether and we die tagether, and I ain't dying! So ye..MURPH!.."

Daryl froze when he finally realized that Connor wasn't talking about him but the real Murphy, that the dream was about the day his brother had died. I mourn his death every fuckin night when I wake up from another nightmare af seeing him dying. Every. fuckin. Night! The hunter swallowed hard and looked at the sleeping man next to him. Connor was a complete mess by now. It had never been so extreme before. Daryl didn't know what to do.

"Okay..alright..it's gonna be okay brother..I'm here..yeah..ye can't do that ta me..I fuckin love ye more than anything in this stupid fuckin world .. I know... You an me Murph...what? What are ye talkin about. Af course I'm dying with you..No, ye can't make me promise that... Murph, you can't leave me te fuck alone! Murph!..."

Then he swallowed.

"I promise."

It was silent for a moment and then Connor started yelling his brother's name. He was screaming madly and kept repeating his name over and over again. It was too much for Daryl. It freaked him out so much that he slapped him hard across his face to wake him up. Connor startled and opened his eyes with a gasp, then he sat up abruptly and searched the tent in horror. Daryl growled and fell back on his sleeping bag.

"Jesus, finally."

Connor relaxed after a moment and rubbed his eyes. The other man turned his head to look at him for a while.

"Yah okay?" Daryl asked quietly and Connor looked at him in surprise.

"What?"

"Yah were talking during yer sleep. Or more like screaming like a dying pig. I bet even the walkers in Atlanta could hear it."

Connor snorted and rubbed his eyes once more.

"No shit" he murmured and took a deep breath.

"What did I say?"

"Loads of horrible shit."

The Irishman nodded.

"Aye" he murmured and fell back down on his sleeping bag. For a while he just stared at the ceiling and Daryl watched him.
He was surprised when Connor suddenly squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a sharp breath.

"Jesus. Are yah cryin again?"

"Shut te fuck up" Connor growled and turned around. Daryl just listened to his stifled sobs for a moment, then he had enough.

"Just tell me what fucking happened t'yah in Boston. Jesus, yah can't go on like this."

"Fuck you."

Daryl shoved him.

"Tell me!"

Connor turned around abruptly and started punching and kicking Daryl then, but since he was weakened from the previous day and his crying the other man had no trouble taking over the fight. After a couple of minutes he pinned Connor down and grabbed him by his rosary.

"Calm down yah freak."

When Daryl looked at Connor he was surprised at what he saw. The Irishman's face was nothing but a grimace, ridden by anger and hate.
One moment he looked like he was going to murder Daryl for holding him down like that, then he relaxed. He turned his head and looked away.

"So what are yah gonna do, huh? Cry like a fucking baby every night and annoy the crap outta me instead of being a man for once?"

"Fuck you."

"Gonna hang yerself like a coward?"

"Fuck you."

"There's two options here, hang yerself and realize that there is nothing waiting for yah on the other side, no fucking Murphy, no fucking god.."

Connor turned his head and glared at him.

"Shut yer fucking mouth!"

Daryl snorted.

"Or what? Yah think 'm scared of a crying sissy like you? Yah wish, with all yer tattoos, you ain't fooling no one. Veritas my fuckin ass, you can't even speak the truth yah wimp!"

"I said shut the fuck up!" Connor yelled and tried to fight his grip, but Daryl had him pinned.

"Not until yah stop yer pathetic crying and tell me what the fuck happened!"

"I fuckin killed 'im, alright?!" the Irishman spat and glared at Daryl.

"I killed my own brother" he repeated and swallowed hard.

The hunter let go of his arms and Connor covered his eyes.

"I fucking killed 'im" he said once more and sobbed.

Daryl frowned. This time Connor was really properly weeping. For the first time after two months his twin's death and loss really hit him. He missed his brother so much and it hurt so much that he simply could no longer take it. Most of the time he had been numb. Wandering about almost like the walkers. Half dead, half alive. Then he had met Daryl and seen this face again and it had broken him. Now there was just realization. His brother was gone. And he was alone in the world. Left to damnation and sins and blood and pain. And it was all his fault. Maybe this was hell after all. Daryl was horrified. He had gotten used to Connor's stifled sobs, but now that he was having an absolute breakdown, he was too overwhelmed by it. This was more than he could handle. It took the blonde a while to calm down and when he stopped covering his eyes he just looked at Daryl who was sitting on top of him and stared back at him. The Irishman took a deep breath and sniffed.

"Just let me go now, alright?"

Daryl just stared at him before he finally moved and sat back down next to Connor. The Irishman coughed and got up to a sitting position because he was having trouble breathing. He also just needed another couple of seconds. Daryl wouldn't say anything, wouldn't tease him or yell at him which was quite weird. After a moment he figured that he was waiting for him to talk.

"We barricaded ourselves fer a bit, and it really wasn't too bad fer a while..but Murph wanted t'leave. Get outta the city. I fucking told 'im that it's too fuckin dangerous to make our way through the whole of fuckin Boston. But we were running out of food and there were more 'n more walkers...So we left. We managed ta get to Black Falcon cruise terminal cos a friend told us that there'd be boats leaving town. But of course there were no fucking boats."

He took a deep breath and shook his head.

"There were just the dead. Fuckin thousands of them. We got surrounded, and one of them got 'im."

Connor moved his hand through his hair and fought another wave of tears.

"'t was my fault. Didn't watch his back. I was up front and wouldn't stop yelling at him and calling 'im names cos of his stupid plan..then I heard 'm scream.
I managed t'get us outta there, hid in a building, but there was just too much fuckin blood. Too much.."

"So 't was a geek that killed 'im, not yah" Daryl said quietly and Connor snorted.

"'f course, fucking geek caused his injury, but it was my fault he got bit. And then.."

His voice started shaking and he took a deep breath.

"Ah fuck. Jesus.." he wiped his nose and sniffed.

"And then what?"

Connor swallowed and didn't say anything for a while. When he turned his head it looked like he was having a hard time holding back his tears.

"And then he bleed t'death, came back ta life and I shot 'im in the head" he whispered and just looked at Daryl.

They looked at each other and the hunter wanted to say something, but he didn't know what to say or what to do.
So they just looked at each other until Connor lay back down and sighed.

"But that still ain't no reason t'hang yahself man" Daryl answered and Connor snorted.

"Last time people took 'im away from me and I thought he was about t'die I jumped off a fuckin building. You think there's no one waiting fer me on the other side?
I think different. You bet that there's someone waiting fer me for all the shit I've done in my life. Down there."

"I don't think yer going t'hell because of that. "

"Aye, cos this is hell. Right here and now."

Daryl growled.

"Stop that shit now. Yah can't go on like that. Ain't gonna solve the problem."

"There ain't no problem" Connor growled and Daryl got angry.

"There obviously is, you're a wreck! You tried t' kill yahself!"

"Oh don't fuckin start. Don't fuckin bring that up every fucking time now" Connor growled and turned away.

"But yah did. Man,yah scared the crap out of everyone" Daryl spat and shook his head.

"Seriously, yah can't go on like that. It ain't good for yah, ain't good for any of us. Get yer shit together, man. Cos Rick didn't take yah with him for nothing.
We need you stupid freak fit. "

Connor snorted

"Like you care."

"I fucking do, okay? I'm sick of this shit. People and their stupid prejudice, always assuming they fuckin know me.
You can't tell me that yah wanna go on like that forever!"

"Fuckin aye I do. I'll never get over that shit" the Irishman murmured and folded his arms.

"I lost my brother too! Everyone's lost someone these days,that's why it's called survival!" Daryl spat and Connor turned around again.

"Don't compare Murph ta yer brother. We were nothing like you and yer brother."

"Fine, but still! Wake up you stupid leprechaun, the world ain't fair."

"Fuck you."

Daryl growled and rolled his eyes angrily.

"Jesus, yah will be the death of me you stubborn asshole!"

"Aye, fuckin ditto."

Daryl turned his back on Connor and both men grunted. It took them a while to cool off, and Connor just stared at Daryl's back. He looked so much like Murphy that he felt hurt all over again. He missed the nights they'd spent next to each other. The first month after he had lost Murphy had been absolutely horrible for him. All alone all the time, sleeping alone, living alone, surviving on his own. He had dreaded talking about Murphy's death, which was why he hadn't told anyone yet. Now that it was off his chest he felt a bit better, and the fact that Daryl had shown some real interest and concern for the first time helped him as well. The Irishman had always thought that the man with his brother's face despised him with all his heart, but maybe he had been wrong. Because despite all the fights and insults Daryl had told him more than once that he didn't hate him and cared about him. Connor sighed and moved closer to the hunter. He could feel how the other man tensed and feared another punch, but at the same time he really just needed something to hold on to right now. He knew that it was pathetic and stupid and that Daryl hated it, but he didn't care. Body contact had always been important to him and his twin, no matter if it was a simple nudge or a proper hug.

"Night Murph" he said quietly and Daryl growled.

"Get off."

Connor wouldn't move an inch. He expected Daryl to shake his hand off, turn around and start another fight but nothing would happen.
The Irishman stayed alert for several minutes, and although Daryl was really tense, he just wouldn't move or say anything else. Connor smiled and moved even closer.

"Thank you."

"Shut yah stupid cakehole"Daryl growled but wouldn't fight him.