Without a Sound

Disclaimer: Nope!

It's been a while… sorry about that! But please review…

Chapter 8

BEEP. BEEEP. B-SLAP!

With a weekend of thinking it over, I came to a conclusion…

I was in way over my head.

A secret relationship? With a student? What was I thinking!

I shouldn't do this! I should have turned him down…

"Look… I can't really… You're a good kid Sora, and I really don't like the idea of hurting you… another thing I really don't like is going to jail."

But that face he made… the one where it looked like the light faded in his eyes and darkness took over…

It looked so lifeless and devastated. I couldn't handle looking at that face for more than a few seconds.

And what was with that goofy smile? It was so carefree and full of life…

The exact opposite of the face he had made not twenty seconds earlier.

The image of Sora's smiling face flashed through my mind again.

It was like someone had captured the sun in his skull… he was so cute…

DAMMIT! WHAT AM I THINKING!

This has to stop… I have to tell Sora that it was a mistake.

That he was a mistake… yeah…

I would have to tell him first thing this morning. That way I'll end it before it starts.

I got up and quickly got ready for school. I grabbed my satchel and headed out the door.

The ride today was the exact opposite of yesterday's drive. I felt like I rolled over every bump in the street and I couldn't wait for the ride to end.

I parked my motorcycle and walked inside the building.

Then I realized… I don't even know when Sora gets's to school, or where his homeroom is. I guess I'll have to let him know when I see him. I don't really know if that'll be today because I don't have class with him until tomorrow.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I didn't have to go look for him because Sora came bounding into my room with a happy look on his face.

Then I noticed headphones on his ears. I gave him a puzzled look and he took out a notebook.

I got them yesterday, they are so cool! Check this out.

Sora handed me the headphones. I put them on my head.

Sora shook his head and put them back in my hands.

Just feel. He wrote.

I nodded and he took out a strange device and played a track. I wasn't sure what he was getting at until I actually felt it.

It was drums. It was piano. It was guitar. You couldn't hear it, but you could feel it.

You could tell the difference between the snare and the symbol, the rolled chord on a piano and the strumming of a guitar.

I looked at him and he wrote:

These headphones and music player are designed to emphasize the act of playing musical instruments instead of the music being played. They're specifically for people that are deaf. I like them because they allow someone like me to enjoy music.

I read his words and I couldn't help but smile a little at his excitement. This was a fleeting feeling though, because soon it was clouded but what I was going to tell him.

"Sora." I said.

He nodded with a smile.

I sighed. "I need you to be serious okay?"

He gave me a funny look.

"Whatever I said we could start Friday, I'm ending it now. I really cannot risk my job and I can't get arrested… There's too much to lose. You are completely capable of finding someone else. And maybe if this was a different time and place… I just… there are a lot of things you still don't know about me… I can't do it and I'm sorry that I got your hopes up…" I said.

There was a silence before Sora shrugged a little and gave me an enormous goofy smile.

It was almost comical, how fake it was.

He wrote:

It's okay… I kind of figured it was too good to be true… and plus I'm used to it anyway. I'll see you tomorrow in class Mr. Leonhart…

I watched as he took his head phones and walked out of the room.

And plus I'm used to it anyway? What was that supposed to mean?

"Shit…" I cussed under my breath and rubbed my temples.

"You know, I figured something was going on between you two…"I heard a voice say behind me.

I jumped and turned. "It's not what you think! I…" I stumbled.

Cloud sighed. "There's no use trying to hide it. I basically heard the whole thing. And I gotta say, that was really cruel. The poor kid…"

"You don't understand!"

"No, I do… I read your records this morning and I came here to talk to you about it. It said you were arrested in high school for assault. You were eighteen so you went to prison but you got out in under a year for good conduct… "

"I wasn't a good kid in high school… I was a smart one… but not a good one. My best friend and I were top delinquents in the school. If either of us went down, we were going down together… Until he decided he wanted to beat up some blind kid because he was an easy target. I was more interested the girls and the bikes at the time so I refused to do it with him. I figured he would just give up on the idea but he didn't. The next thing I know people are at my front door arresting me for almost beating some poor kid to death. My best friend beat up that kid and somehow convinced that kid that it was me. I mean, the kid was blind, he couldn't really tell the difference. I managed to only get a year in prison but I only spent ten months in there due to good conduct. It was the most terrifying ten months of my life. I thought I was bad… I had nothing on the thugs that really had a reason to be there." I said placing my hand on the scar on my face as cold memories flashed through my mind.

"I see. I just want you to remember something. Sora is eighteen; he can have a serious relationship with anyone he wants. You won't go to jail for dating him…" Cloud pointed.

"I could lose my job… and not many schools would hire someone who went to prison on those charges." I said.

"You know Cid! You guys go way back! I heard that that's how you got this job in the first place. I don't think he would fire you. And if he did, he's not the kind of person to just leave you behind. Cid would help you find another job." Cloud said.

"I don't know, Cloud…" I said.

"Look, I'm not going to force you to make up with Sora. But I am going to point out how cowardly you're being. I know you like him! You wouldn't have agreed to start something if you didn't like him. I just think it's wrong that you're deny that poor kid a good thing just because you're afraid. And you know that he doesn't have much…you said he was capable of finding someone else? I don't think he'll find anyone here. I just… I'm not trying to make you pity him or anything but Sora would do right by you… he's certainly not ugly and he has a big heart…" Cloud said.

"I know…" I said barely a whisper.

"What?"

"I know…" I said louder. "I know he does…"

"I think you should really think on it… he's not a bad match for you…" Cloud said before leaving.

-Without a Sound-

I saw it coming… but I didn't expect it today. And I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I was stupid to even think it would last a day… but I really thought today was going to be a good one…

I'm such a useless waste of space! What was I thinking! I actually tricked myself into thinking that I was wanted by someone… I'm so fucking stupid!

I walked to my locker and took out the things I needed. I walked to my homeroom and placed my things on my desk. After that was done I made my way through the gym to the back entrance of the school. People never actually enter through this way because of the giant dumpster by the door.

When I was safely hidden between the dumpster and the side wall of another building, I cried.

I only wish I could have the security of hearing or even making the sound of a sob… the water was pouring faster and faster down my face.

"You retard! Can't you hear me! I said what's your name! You can't speak either! What's the point of living? You should end it now… it'll be easier on all of us!"

"You're worthless! You know you're parents only keep you out of pity! How could anyone possibly love someone so useless and inconvenient!"

"A disgusting worm! That's what you are! You can't hear and you can't speak! The only things you can do is eat and squirm about in your own filth! It's pathetic! Oh! You can cry? No, that's not crying. Only humans do that!"

They were right… they were so right… all of them. I can only imagine how much easier it would be if I was gone… and no one would really care. Roxas my cry for a week or two, but he'd be back on his feet in a month… my parents would be the same. They wouldn't have to buy me expensive things to accommodate me anymore. That way they could live their lives more comfortably. Pluto might actually miss me but he's just a dog… Roxas would keep him company…

All these things telling me it's the right thing to do… but I'm still to weak to cut it off.

My face was completely soaked in my tears… I couldn't handle it! I hate this so much! Why? Why do I even want to live? My life is terrible and if I die I can either go to paradise, or go somewhere that can't be much worse than here…

I'm so tired of being alone… I'm so tired of the soundless world I live in and I don't even have the privilege of speaking my feelings.

I was shaking in agony when I spotted a piece of glass on the pavement in front of me.

I picked it up and examined it. It didn't look dirty, in fact it looked like it was broken recently.

If I were to die here… it might be days before they find me… if they find me… this was a really good hiding spot.

I mean… think about it… who would ever think 'If Sora wanted to hide, where would he? Beside a dumpster of course!'

I looked at my wrist… it would really only take one cut, straight down the middle. It sounded so easy!

I placed the glass on the middle of my wrist. I pressed down a little and winced when I saw blood pool at the breaking point.

This would work…

I took a deep breath and placed the glass on my wrist again. On the count of three…

One.

Two.

Three!

I dragged the glass down my wrist and tried to relax myself as I felt blood flow down my arm.

I blinked after a couple of seconds and looked down at my wrist.

The cut was horizontal.

NO! That's not what I wanted! I can't even kill myself correctly! If only I could scream my frustrations…

I tried four times… all with the same conclusion.

And by then I had given up… I threw the glass away and banged my head on the side of the dumpster.

Worthless… I thought softly to myself.

I jumped when I felt my watch vibrate telling me it was time for homeroom.

I shot up and looked at my wrist. I took my shirt (which was black, fortunately) and wiped away the blood on my arm and lightly dabbed the cuts that had already started to clot.

I took off my watch and placed it over my injured wrist.

It looked like the cuts were never there.

I walked into the building in headed to class.

A/N: Here's some angst for you. I am aware that characters may seem a little out of character. But the situation called for a cowardly Leon and a 'fuck my life' Sora. Review now!