The Wasteland Life Guide

3rd Revision

Rated M for sexual scenes in later chapters, use of profanity and drug use.

Chapter One: I'm Not Content

Just another ordinary morning in Megaton. I woke up from that smelly mattress that never seemed clean (no matter how many times I sponged it down with turpentine) and opened up my shop. As I gazed around it still seemed dirty, just like the mattress! I really didn't want it open in this state, but there wasn't anything I could do; just like everything in Megaton it looked so decrepit! As I prepared for another day by sweeping up the metal floor with a broom I had found lying around outside, my bodyguard entered. He never actually told me his name, but he seemed strong enough to look after the shop, and he didn't ask for too many caps; I suspected he had a thing for me! Only the other day I caught him looking at me when I was talking to someone about human body parts.

"Hey, Moira." he said to me, as he took his regular place on the wall.

"Hello there!" I replied, as sweetly as possible. He wasn't really my type, as he had blood all over his clothes, and that gun looked positively ghastly! He looked after the shop pretty well, though. Once, I had had a burglar in the middle of the day (would you believe it) and he shot him right in the head! I had fun that day: a test-subject I didn't have to scout for!

This particular day was rather boring for me, as it had began to rain outside. Not that lovely, relaxing rain you used to see, but horrible acid rain! So there were absolutely no customers, just me and my un-named shopguard, bumbling about, bored out of our wits. I could see the tediousness of the day was getting to him, too: his eyes and head were getting heavier! I decided to keep myself occupied though, and read a little through my Wasteland Survival Guide. It was my one pride and joy, next to my supply shop. It told you everything on how to stay alive in these awful ruins of America. I must have read it around twenty times now! As I reached the end of the last chapter on how to milk Brahmins, a little sensation at the back of my mind was niggling me; the guide felt a little incomplete.

Now, I was certainly not one to be fussy - the Guide I wrote with the help of an assistant (who was miraculously still alive after gathering all the research) was wonderful, but there were other things I could have added. The survival guide taught you how to survive, but life offered so many things - that you could find out about in a guide... The Wasteland Life Guide! It would be a marvellous addition to the Survival Guide, and I could write it by myself! Gazing over at my shop's bodyguard, who was now fast asleep, I thought of his obvious feelings towards me, and it gave me the inspiration for the first chapter of the Life Guide...

Throwing my broom on the floor, I ran over to the door of my shop and peered outside the window; luckily, the acid rain appeared to be letting up. My bodyguard, who had heard the noise I made, was now awake.

"What's going on..?" he asked, half-awake.

"Oh..." I replied, wondering whether I should tell him about my new guide. "I'm just heading out for a little bit! Will you be okay on your own?"

Immediately I felt silly for asking him this. He looked down at his assault rifle and then eyed me like I was a child, so I simply smiled at him and walked over to the counter; I needed a few things before I headed outside. Ducking my head behind the counter, I picked up my notepad, a black pen and a silenced pistol in case of accidents. I glanced outside the window and noticed it had finally stopped raining. It was time to start my new guide!

As I left the shop, I took in a big gulp of the afternoon air. I instantly regretted it though. Hacking and coughing, and even vomiting a little over the railing, I had temporarily forgotten about the disgusting, irradiated air that had enveloped the land. I wouldn't be doing that again! Honestly, I could be so forgetful sometimes! I cast my eye over the town, and wondered where I should start to garner information for my first chapter of the Life Guide. Thinking the Saloon would be a good place, as that was where most people gathered to drown their sorrows, I skipped happily over there with a smile on my face. Boy, was it a good day! Pushing the door to the Saloon open, the odour of cigarette smoke hit me full force in the face. Coughing weakly, I waved it away as I would a fly and proceeded to sit down at the bar. Gob, the barkeep, approached me, and I smiled at him. His face didn't disgust me as it did the others, for I had seen worse.

"Hey, Gob!" I greeted him, as cheerfully as I could. He didn't seem very happy, as usual. Everytime I saw him I said whatever I could to make him jolly, but I was on a mission to write my new guide!

"Hi, Moira. What will it be today?" he pulled up a bottle of wine from beneath the counter, but I shooed it away. I needed a clear head!

"No thanks! Just a bottle of water!"

He sat the water on the counter, and I put the caps in his hand.

"Not running the shop?" he asked me. I turned red, not knowing what to say; I wanted to keep the guide a surprise from others.

"Well... I needed a holiday, you know? I've been working so hard!" I lied. "And you, Gob? Where have you been? You smell like oil!" He grunted, ignored my question, and went off to serve some Nova, the resident lady of the evening. She looked at me as if I were something she stepped in. It was probably because we didn't really speak that often; I only ever conversed with her when she needed condoms, but they were very hard to come by. Seeing her gave me an idea for the guide - as she was a prostitute she probably saw a lot of men.

"Nova!" I called out. She glanced over at me and then sighed, looking back at her drink. I wouldn't give up, though! Getting up from my stool, I went over to her table and sat down uninvited. She looked up from her glass of vodka but didn't speak. "Hey, Nova, how're you doing?" I asked her, as sweetly as possible.

"What do you want?" she asked, rather rudely.

"Oh, nothing... I was just wondering if you'd answer a few questions!"

It was a simple request; it was not as if I were asking her to donate her organs!

"I'm busy right now." she responded, gulping her vodka down as if it were water.

"Oh, really? I don't see any men here." I joked. She did not looked amused.

"That's because you're here."

Ouch!

"Look, it won't take long." I promised. It wouldn't really. I didn't see why she was being such a silly-billy.

"Listen, sweetie." she started, swaying in her chair due to the effects of the alcohol. "Did you get any of those... plastic protectors in yet...?"

I thought about what she said for a moment... did she mean condoms...?

"I, uh... they are really hard to come by.." I laughed, quietly.

"Well, honey, my business is really slow without them, so you can ask me all the questions you want if you give me some."

As I stood up from the table where Nova was, I felt a little annoyed. Not terribly annoyed, but irritated that I had to find some condoms just to get her to contribute to the new guide I was writing. Where on Earth would I start to look for them? I had no assistant to go out into the Wasteland to find them, so it seemed I would have to do it myself. I thought about where they would be, and cast my mind back to when an un-named man came by and helped with the original guide. He went to the Super Duper Mart near Megaton... perhaps there would be some condoms there?

I suddenly felt very stupid as I left the gates of Megaton and ran in the direction of Super Duper Mart using an old map from the shop I bought ages ago. I wasn't useless with a gun, so it wouldn't be too dangerous if I ran into trouble, but all this for... rubbers! As I traversed the rocky road to the supermarket I tripped over a stupid rock in the ground and fell. It really hurt, and I yelled out in pain! Unfortunately, it seemed there was a pair of raiders nearby that heard me. As I looked up from the floor I was concealed by a large boulder, so they hadn't seen me yet, but I could hear them yelling.

"I'm gonna fuckin' find you!" one screamed; it sounded like a woman. Trembling with fear, I stayed where I was for a second and unholstered my silenced pistol. Raising to my head, I rose into a crouching position. Suddenly, I felt like laughing. It was a funny situation I had found myself in; risking death to find condoms would make a great passage for the guide!

Picking up a small rock from the ground, I threw it around 20 feet away from me. They didn't shoot at it, so they weren't armed with guns. But the woman showed herself, and ran towards it. How silly! Aiming for her head, I let out a shot. What a bad shot I was! It only hit her in the back, so she hit the ground. I had the feeling she was still alive, so I didn't approach her. Anyway, the other raider was still out there.

"You fucking cunt!" he shouted. He knew where I was now, so I stood up and aimed from where I heard the voice. My whole body coursed with adrenaline from the fray, and I saw him in full view. He was wearing some dirty armour, which was stained with blood. His expression was pure rage, and he was brandishing a silly little bonesaw which was turned on and making the most awful noise. As he stood around 10 feet away from me, if I wasn't holding a gun I would have been dead in just a few seconds. Luckily my aim was a little better now as the trembling had stopped. I aimed for his leg and let out a shot. The bullet exploded his knee and he fell down. Then I unloaded another bullet, this time in his head. There was a pretty fountain of blood and brain matter, and he slumped down dead. I felt bad for the female raider, who was still alive after only being shot in the back, so I ran over to her and shot her in the head. I didn't really want to chance any more raiders happening by, so I continued on my way to Super Duper Mart after holstering my weapon.

Eventually, at around 4p.m., I reached the large supermarket. It was pretty run-down. Somebody should have fired the cleaners, that's for sure! Then again, you could say that about my shop! Smiling at my luck for not chancing upon more raiders, I ambled inside the building and held my breath as darkness enveloped me. Really, it was so dark I could barely see in front of me! Remembering that it took a while for the human eye to adjust to light, I stood still for a while, hardly breathing at all. After a time, my eyes did adjust, but only a tiny bit, so I could see enough not to bump into very large objects, but not well enough to make out a packet of condoms. If only I had taken up smoking, I could use a cigarette lighter! Feeling very sad and disappointed for having come all this way for nothing, I stepped back outside into the daylight, right into another fight.

This time, the raiders weren't trying to kill and mutilate me, they were trying to kill some man that I couldn't quite make out since the sun was in my eyes. Pulling out my gun that I might help him, I hid behind a dustbin and fired some, if I may say, well-aimed shots towards the raiders. The shots didn't kill them, but it hit their legs and arms, slowing them down enough for my un-named partner to finish them off. After the slaughter had been done, I holstered my weapon and approached him. He lit up a cigarette and turned my way.

"What the hell are you doin'?!" he shouted at me; I was taken quite aback! Then I realised who it was; it was Jericho! That weird guy who lived in Megaton!

"Sorry, Mr. Violence!" I replied, with a smile on my face.

"Oh, it's you. Don't you run that little shop?" he snapped. He dragged on a cheap little cigarette. I imagined my eyes were little x-rays, and I envisaged the smoke floating down into his lungs. I wanted a cigarette too, after that battle!

"Silly! It's rather big compared to the other shops! And my name's Moira! You've bought from me before... Jericho."

"Whatever, Moira." He said my name as if it were a joke. "I don't need a lil' girl's help when I'm gettin' action."

"Silly! You could have gotten killed!" I replied. He gave me such a weird look, I turned red and looked away.

"You'd regret sayin' that if you were anyone else but the shop owner in Megaton." he replied, a sinister tone in his voice. I quickly shook of my fear and tried to brighten up the mood.

"So, what are you doing all the way out here?" I asked, cheerfully. He didn't reply, just began to walk away. However, the smoke drifting from his cigarette gave me an idea. He obviously had a lighter, and I needed some form of light source to investigate the Super Duper Mart.

"Hey, wait!" I called on after him. He didn't stop, so I walked alongside him. "May I borrow your lighter?" I pleaded, as sweetly as possible.

"No!" he spat, bitterly.

"Pretty please?"

"Forget it! Now scram, before I do something you regret!"

"I'll buy it from you!" I replied, fetching my purse.

"1000 caps." he demanded. My eyes widened; I sold lighters for 10 caps!

"No way! I heard people hire you for 1000 caps!" I responded, boldly. Then an idea hit me. Floating off in what people would call my own little world, I glanced down at my ammo clip belt; it only held around 30 clips, and I was very much down. I could only fend off so many raiders in returning home, and who knew what Super Duper Mart held for me? I had quite a lot of caps in my purse, and in my bra. If I had someone like Jericho on my side... an... assistant... it would be a great advantage. What if someone else, apart from the hooker, demanded I give them something in return for information?

"Wait." I commanded. "I'll give you 1000 caps in return for your services as a companion. There's a lot of things need shooting!" I tried to make the deal sound as sweet as possible. "In my line of work it's real dangerous!"

He seemed to dwell on the idea.

"Real dangerous, huh." he whispered to himself, the smoke lingering above his head.

"Real dangerous. Once, I had this super mutant who escaped from his cage. I tried to mate him with-"

"OK!" he cried, cutting me off. "1000 caps, and a 50% discount from your shitty store." he demanded. My mouth gaped open. He turned to face me, and closed my mouth shut with a light tap of his hand. Taking my purse, he took 1000 caps and holstered his AK47. Then he handed me his lighter. I snatched it from him.

"Fine!" I sighed, pouting as much as I could, to show my anger! I wasn't angry really, all I sold was junk! Grabbing him by the arm, I dragged him to Super Duper Mart.

"Let go of me, you crazy freak!" he cried. Ignoring his outcries I entered the store, lugging him behind me.

So there I was, inside the store again, only this time with a trained killer alongside me. It was just as cold and dark as before though, but this time I felt a little bit less scared.

"What did you need my lighter for anyway?" he said, in his weird accent.

"I can't see anything, silly. I'm looking for something here." I replied, squinting through the darkness. I opened the Zippo lighter up and struck the flint, illuminating the darkness; the small flame hardly helped at all, but at least I could see the shelves when I got up close.

"Hey, crazy." he sighed. I turned around, about to tell him not to call me 'crazy' when bright lights came on all around me. It appeared that there was a light switch.

"How silly of me!" I laughed, closing the Zippo lighter.

"Some fucking pigs to kill!" some gruff voices called behind us; we had stirred some raiders deep within the store.

"Well done!" Jericho shouted at me.

"You did it!" I called back.

"Get down!" he cried back, pushing me into a wall. I fell down in pain as my back hit a potruding metal bracket; but managed to find some strength to hide behind some rubble. As I crawled beneath the crumbled wall, all I heard around me were shouting and the firing of guns. If I weren't in so much pain in the lower back, I would have loved to have joined in; firearms had always fascinated me. Right now, however, I worried about Jericho. It would have been such a waste of money if he had died! Closing my eyes and covering my ears I waited for the sounds of guns to cease.

A few minute passed, and the noise stopped. Taking a Stimpak out of my breast pocket, I tightly wound a strap around the top of my arm and injected it slowly. The pain was washed away by a lovely tide of relief, and in a few second I was on my feet again. Taking the strap off and casting the used Stimpak away I glanced around the wall; nothing but dead bodies on the floor. Sighing, I gave Jericho up for dead. Suddenly, I heard awful wretching behind me. Spinning around, it was Jericho! A different kind of relief washed over me; I almost ran over to hug him, but he looked at me like I was Brahmin poo, so I stayed where I was and smiled.

"What?" he spat. "Thought I was dead? You could be more help instead of lying on your arse all day."

I felt really angry when he said that.

"You pushed me into a sticky-out thingy that really hurt!" I shouted. "How could I fight when in pain!"

"You get used to it kid!" he replied, lighting another cigarette. I said nothing, but left him as I went deeper into the now brightly-lit store.

"What are you lookin' for anyway?" he asked, as he followed behind me. I didn't really know what to say, so I just told the truth, face turning red.

"Uh... ahem. Condoms."

After coughing wildly, he laughed and said: "We hardly know each other, kid!"

"Don't flatter yourself." I replied, holding my head up as high as I could; to be honest, I felt really embarrassed. Here was I, alone with a guy, and he was suggesting such lewd things! I put such thoughts out of my head immediately and focused on finding the... subjects in question.

It took longer than I thought it would, because, silly me, I was looking in all the wrong places. Jericho, the silly-billy that he was, didn't tell me that condoms weren't kept on shelves, but rather at the pharmacy section where the cigarettes were kept. I could have slapped him silly! I didn't know what he thought, that I hadn't any idea where condoms were sold in shops. After 'borrowing' a batch of around one hundred packets of condoms, we left the supermarket after turning off the lights. Jericho thought it was amusing to shoot out all the windows - I just thought it would attract attention to ourselves.

I don't know whether it was because they thought we were dangerous, but we weren't attacked by raiders on the way home to Megaton. It was rather uncomfortable on the way back though; we hardly spoke to each other! I had a thousand things to ask him, due to his profession of being an ex-Raider, but I didn't know where to start. And he wasn't really much of a conversationalist. He caught me looking at him a few times though, and he said:

"What are you lookin' at, kid?"

I really hated it when he called me 'kid', but I didn't say anything. He looked like any other guy in Megaton; he had a shaved head, with a brown goatee and leater armour. For some reason he wore Biker Googles, but I didn't ask why. I assumed it was to keep the smoke out of his eyes when he had a cigarette lodged in his mouth. I did try to get on his 'level', and asked him for a cigarette. To my surprise he gave me one! However, I coughed and spluttered, and he laughed at me. I felt so silly! The rest of the journey was silent, and we reached Megaton at around 8p.m., just before the sun went down completely.