Fidēlis/Fealty
Chapter Three
When she's ten Lona makes her first real friend.
It has become tradition, in her dormitory, for a few of the elder boy mages to practice their oil slick spells on her. In her hair, to be specific. Most days she can get out the mess before the first class of the day but it only takes once for her to step too close to a torch. The boys are still snickering when she feels her world go up in flames. Their laughter turns to horror and the only thing she can think to do is run.
Her hair burns. It smells acrid to her, like her practice in the training room when she's messed up yet again and scorched the practice mats. There is no enchanter here to put the fire out though and she's reaching up with her hands to try and smother the flames when a wave of water impacts her face.
She's left sputtering and on the floor, because honestly there's no way she would have remained upright after that deluge. She's sitting in a puddle, her hair still slightly smoking, and thinking of the worst spell she knows for the boys that are still staring in shock.
Someone beats her to it though and she watches in amusement as a small group of wasps descends upon the group and they run, screaming, from the room. Looking around for her savior she sees a slight boy with a cocky smile standing in the doorway.
His name is Jowan. When he takes her red and hurting face in his hands she can feel the slight hum of his magic healing her.
Her hair remains short after that and the faint scars at the base of her neck never really go away. The boys leave her alone and she is rarely seen away from Jowan's side. Then, at least.
When the other apprentices laugh and whisper behind her back, suggesting that she's not fit for training and should be made Tranquil, he pulls her to his side and doesn't let go. Oh, she understands, now, what this tranquility is. When she mutters that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, when she's blown up another set of practice mats on accident, Jowan is the one that whispers NO! You're my family now and I won't be abandoned again.
He doesn't talk about where he comes from. She doesn't need to say anything because he already knows.
-!-
She starts to notice the older boys again, when she's nearing her fifteenth birthday. Lona no longer worries about the tricks they've played for six years. Something inside of her feels drawn to them. It's tantalizing; the boys draw her attention and distract her. The apprentices have long since been split into separate quarters by sex even though there's only a dozen or so of them. The Templars watch even closer and their guards have been doubled. She hears the other girls whispering, in the dark of night in bed, about this boy and that and Lona thinks this is what it would be like to have friends. Giggling and sharing stories. She has nothing to share though and nothing is really shared with her because of it.
Inevitably, she is always excluded. The oldest among them, Neria, is an all-knowing beacon of the wonders of their blossoming sexuality. Lona listens as she recounts, almost nightly, the different things the boys are willing to give with the right incentive and it makes her blush fiercely. Neria calls her out one evening.
"Little Lona, who have you been meeting in the dark?" The other girls titter and Lona drops the robe that she has been folding in surprise. This is the first time the elf has asked her a question since they were smaller and Neria needed to borrow a quill.
She's about to respond when Neria speaks again, "No one, to be sure. You're too caught up in your books. Even with a boy hounding your every step you never think of becoming a woman." The way the other speaks, Lona wants to crawl under her covers and hide. She realizes that sexuality can be a weapon: used against boys to further one's own means and used against other girls to create a hierarchy. Lona does spend a lot of time studying and she's read about social systems like this.
She says nothing and goes back to folding her robes.
When she sees Jowan next, she asks him about it. About sex. The look of shock on his face makes her burst with laughter. Jowan can't answer her questions though. Delicately, he explains that he never, has never, that is to say-
"Go talk to Mirna or something. By Andraste's knickers you're ridiculous."
Andraste would have had an easier time of it, Lona thinks. Just marry the Maker and be done with it. She probably never felt this twist in her stomach when one of the older boys fixed her with a look. Lona prays for the wisdom and patience of Andraste and reads the entire Chant of Light to calm her flustered nerves. She comes to a conclusion through her studies. The Maker put these feelings in her; they have to be holy. Perhaps Andraste did feel this way, once. Perhaps-
Once she's made up her mind about the necessity of sex, Lona throws herself head long into the search for a partner to take away the burn inside of her. She starts with one of the other girls. Felice is not much older than her and also enjoys books so one day in the library Lona corners her and asks if she'll help her out. Felice laughs at her.
"You're going about this the wrong way."
Lona just stares at her in confusion.
Felice sighs and rubs her forehead with one hand. "I'm a girl." Her tone suggests that perhaps Lona needs to do a little more research, but then she understands.
"Oh, I know. I just- I don't know any boys and you seem like you're smart too and I thought maybe you could help me find someone and tell me what to do." Her words come out in a rush and she can feel her face burning. This shouldn't be so difficult.
Felice doesn't laugh this time. She eyes the room and nods to herself before pointing across at an apprentice bent over a book. "Go talk to Shuul. I know he's an elf but he's friendly and I can tell you from experience he knows what he's doing."
Lona is pretty sure she can't be any redder in the face but she follows Felice's advice. Shuul is indeed friendly. And he certainly knows what he's doing. He calls her by her full name and takes her in a quiet corner of the library that night. Despite her inexperience she can tell that he enjoys himself too and it fills her with a sense of accomplishment.
When she returns to the dorm room that night the girls are up and tittering still. Felice sees her come in and gives a triumphant cry, telling the others that Lona has finally grown up.
That night she joins their conversation and she's finally someone other than the family-killer; the loose cannon. She becomes friend and confidant.