Without a Sound
Disclaimer: It's all lies. Entertaining lies, but lies nevertheless.
I'm changing the rating to MATURE. Even though there will be no real sexing in this chapter, there will be sexing eventually! There is some lemony goodness in here though.
I'm sorry for the shortness…
Chapter 31
I waited for his reply.
Sora would lift his hands as if to tell me something, only to drop them with a frown. After the third time he lifted his hands I decided that this was it.
He wasn't ready.
I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "Why don't we wait on this a little more?" I said.
Sora looked at me with a frown. He looked guilty.
"I want you to be sure about this. Obviously, you aren't right now and that's okay. I'll wait." I said.
I could feel my libido digging it's own grave.
'I feel like a really bad boyfriend. Are you mad?' he asked with his hands.
A pang of my own guilt surged through me as I looked at his face. To be honest I was a little frustrated but not at him…
… mostly at myself for my lack of control.
I shook my head and pulled him closer. "You look tired, why don't you go get ready for bed. I'll go change in the bathroom." I said and got off of the bed and moved to my closet for some sweats.
I grabbed what I was looking for and moved to the bathroom.
-Without a Sound-
When the door closed I looked at my hands. I knew he was mad, and I wouldn't blame him.
I was a terrible boyfriend. I was leading him on and then when we get really serious I'm always the one to pull back first.
I could feel tears welling in my eyes but I blinked them away. I didn't want to be a burden to Leon.
Even though I think it was already too late for that.
I bit my lip and moved to get my things from the living room. I picked up my back and I moved back into the bedroom.
Why did I have to care about this? Why did sex have to be such a big deal? It would just be easier if I gave myself to him, wouldn't it?
But… what if I wasn't good enough? What if I was no good?
This was why I cared.
Leon could find anyone… chose anyone he wanted. If I wasn't what he wanted… he could leave me.
I didn't want to be alone again, especially now after feeling what it's like to be with someone.
But even if I didn't want him to leave me, it didn't give me the right to push him away… and now he was mad at me.
Was there something I could do to make things better? I felt so bad…
And just… useless.
I hated that feeling more than anything in the entire world. It was dimmer than the darkest black and more sinister than the most malicious hatred.
I could feel my hands shake and a chill run down my spine. I held my hands together. I closed my eyes and took a breath. If I sat still and kept my hands close, the feeling would pass.
I ran my clammy hand through my hair. I covered my face. I hadn't felt an urge to hurt myself in a while. It was almost amazing how quickly they could come back.
Feeling useless always did this to me. I let out a breath and stood. I grabbed my bag again and moved back to the living room. It was bigger and I didn't feel as anxious in it. I pulled out my notebook and pencil and began to draw.
It's not like I was an artist or anything, but it gave my hands something productive to do.
I jumped ten feet in the air when a hand was on my shoulder. I turned to see Leon.
'Are you okay?' he signed.
I just nodded quickly and continued to draw. I jumped again when Leon grabbed my face gently.
'Are you upset with me Sora?' he asked.
I tried to shake my head but he was holding it in place. I lifted a hand and signed 'no.'
'Why are you shaking? Are you cold?' Leon asked.
I signed 'no,' again and looked away from Leon's stare. It was sharp and it was almost frightening.
'What is wrong? Tell me, now.' I saw him say.
I pulled my face from his hand and signed 'I'm sorry,' repeatedly. I didn't want to tell him what I was feeling.
I brought my legs to my chest and grabbed the bottoms of my jeans in an attempt to stop the shaking.
Leon sighed and pulled my whole frame towards him. I tried to return to my original spot but I soon found myself being carried back into Leon's room.
I didn't want to go back in Leon's room. I wanted to stay in the living room where I could preoccupy myself. I didn't want Leon to see me having a relapse. I didn't want Leon to think I was pathetic or crazy. I tried to wiggle out of Leon's grasp.
He wouldn't let go.
I wished for the billionth time in my entire life that I could speak. And with a final thought of being completely out of options, I cried.
He didn't realize that I was crying until I was placed on the bed. I grabbed the covers to keep my hands still.
Leon sat at the edge of the bed. 'Sora, you have to tell me what is wrong. How am I supposed to help you, if I don't know what's going on?' he signed.
I sat there quietly, holding tighter to the covers on the bed.
Leon turned to me. 'I'm sorry I made you cry…' he seemed to say. I looked down and took a breath. I felt worse now that I'm causing problems for Leon.
'I feel so useless…' I signed with shaking hands. 'I hate feeling useless because it makes me want to hurt myself.' I signed and looked away from him.
I didn't want to see the disgusted look on his face.
He pulled me into his arms. My eyes widened when I felt him whisper something in my ear.
It tickled a little, and I couldn't hear what he was saying. But I was shocked by the wave of comfort his simple gesture gave me.
I wrapped my arms around him and blushed when I realized that he didn't have a shirt.
I could feel the workings of his back flex and move under my hands as he laid us down.
I almost laughed when I found myself trapped within his arms and legs. I tried to move away but he pulled me even closer.
He smiled at me. He was trying to lighten the mood. And that was something I had never seen him do.
I let out a breathy snicker and licked his face. Leon immediately moved one of his hands to wipe his face.
I managed to squeeze out of his hold and I was about to get out of the bed when Leon grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me back. I laughed silently when his mouth planted kisses on my neck. He moved his kisses to my face and asked if I was better now.
I looked at him. 'I just wish there was something I could do to thank you or something. I feel like I'm always on the receiving end and I don't give you anything.' I signed.
'Baby I don't do things for you because I expect something from you in return; I do things because I want to. Because I like to see you smile and laugh. You really want to do something for me?' Leon asked.
I nodded.
'Get ready for bed and then come back in here so we can go to sleep. I don't know about you Sora, but I'm actually very tired now.' Leon signed.
I frowned. I didn't think he was taking me seriously. With a huff, I slid off the bed and took off my jeans. After that I climbed back in the bed and straddled Leon.
I was in my underwear, straddling Leon.
Though I couldn't actually tell, there seemed to be a moment of awkward silence between Leon and I.
-Without a Sound-
I tell Sora to get ready for bed…
And now he's on top of me… it's certainly a development that I did not expect from Sora.
He was looking down at me and I was looking up at him. There were only very few times in my life where I had absolutely no idea what to do…
This was one of them.
After about a minute of silence, Sora's demeanor switched from aggravation to raw embarrassment. His face turned bright red and he slid off of me with a dejected look.
I couldn't help but feel a little guilty for making Sora act this way. I pulled Sora back over to me and wrapped my arms around him. Sometimes Sora really just didn't know what to do with himself… it was so… cute.
I looked at him. 'Thank you for the nice view, Sora. You don't have to do anything else.' I said.
I don't think he understood how much he meant to me. I'd take the kid to fifty basketball games if it would make him happy. Sure, I would love to make Sora mine completely, but that wasn't everything.
Sora hid his face in my chest and I let out a chuckle. Sora was so goofy sometimes. I pulled him on top of me and I could see his ears turn red. I ran a hand up and down his back. Sora looked at me.
I love you he mouthed again.
"I love you too." I said in reply.
Sora smiled brightly and kissed the middle of my chest where his head rested.
"Now go to sleep Sora…" I said and trailed off for a yawn.
Sora nodded and closed his eyes. I continued to run my hand up and down until I heard his breathing even and I fell asleep to the sound.
When I woke the next morning, I sat up and looked to my left. Sora was sleeping with a frown on his face.
I wondered what he was dreaming of. He was curled up in the usual cat-like position and I took a look at his legs.
I didn't really look at Sora's body yesterday when he first decided to remove his jeans. I was more focused on making Sora feel a little better. I looked at all of him. This was the most skin I've seen on him.
I guess he's opening up to me. I smiled.
Then frowned.
The rows of scarring on his thigh was alarming. There had to be at least twenty in the one spot. I placed a finger on one of the scars.
Sora gasped and I pulled my hand away. I looked at Sora's face. He was still sleeping but his face was red. I traced one of the scars gently.
Sora shivered and gasped again.
I smirked… I knew what was happening. Call me a creep but I wanted to see what would happen if I continued.
I continued to touch the rows of scars on his thigh. Sora began to pant and uncurl himself. Sora was half hard and his nipples were erect.
I took a moment to realize that I was molesting my boyfriend in his sleep. But then pushed the thought away when Sora gasped again and grabbed the bed covers on either side of him. I traced my fingers around his nipples and Sora arched his back. I was about to move my hand lower when suddenly Sora's hand moved to touch himself.
I pulled away quickly because I had thought maybe he had woken up, but he was still sleeping. He had to be…
There was no way he would touch himself in front of me… either way, I was still watching.
Sora took hold of himself and started to stroke. I got off of the bed and watched from the doorway… I couldn't believe I was doing this. And I couldn't believe that he was doing that!
I wasn't complaining though… I sighed after that thought…
I was definitely the sickest man on the planet for doing this…
I watched as Sora gasped and panted. I could feel myself getting turned on by the sounds and the view.
Sora started to writhe on the mattress and I knew he was reaching his climax. I moved a little closer and I caught his lips mouth my name.
I shook my head thinking that maybe I imagined it but he did it again.
I sighed. "Sora you're killing me. Yeah, I brought this upon myself but still… this is just too cruel. You're silently moaning my name as you jerk off… tease…" I said aloud knowing he couldn't hear me.
After about a minute he came. You'd think he'd wake up… but he continued to sleep.
I laughed… I mean really laughed. I couldn't help but think that that was probably one of the most erotic and hilarious things I've ever seen.
Funny, because he'll never know I saw it.
I moved into my kitchen to make breakfast.