I Need To Find Myself
This chapter will probably touch some nerves, just giving all my readers a heads up. 3
Song inspired: Rollin down my face by Amerie (Seriously listen to this song after reading this chapter, it totally relates to what's happening between them, well the hook mostly )
The agony confined in Katara's eyes couldn't be held back any longer; she closed her eyes shut as warm streams of tears rolled down her face. Aang couldn't help but look at the depressing sight in horror; hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do to, and it killed him to see her this way, but he knew it had to be done. He closed his eyes, feeling a great amount of guilt because of what he was doing, "I know this is for the best." thought Aang to himself. A deep, sharp pain burrowed within his heart as he came to the realization that there was no going back after this moment. He raised his left hand up to console her, but before he could rest it on her shoulder, she swatted him away with her right arm.
"Are you SERIOUS?" asked a flabbergasted Katara.
Aang stared in silence; not an ounce of emotion in his facial appearance. "Katara-"
"Is this how you repay me? After the sacrifices that I've made for you? Are you even remotely aware of the life that I gave up to help YOU save the world?" asked Katara.
Aang just stood there quietly; taking in every word Katara was lashing out at him.
"Is it because I never said I love you? I like you a lot Aang but love is a very strong word, it's a forever word, how can you possibly use it so loosely! she yelled.
Aang shot a deadly glare at Katara, whilst the young water bender jerked herself back in response; taken aback by his piercing gaze. She backed off a bit as Aang relaxed his composure and once again closed his eyes. He then turned his head so he wouldn't have to face her.
"A forever word for someone who was supposed to be my forever girl." he answered discouragingly.
Katara shut her tear-stricken eyes as she bent her head toward her chest, her cry still falling from her swollen eyelids.
Aang turned his head to face her and could clearly see how upset she was; he took a deep breath and sighed.
"Katara...I truly am very sorry, but you must understand-"
Katara's eyes shot open, consumed with anger.
"WHAT IS THERE TO UNDERSTAND? YOU JUST DUMPED ME AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT IT? " yelled Katara.
Aang tried to keep the peace between them stable for as long as he could, but he found his patience growing thin as she continued to yell at him.
"Katara please, I'm trying to explain-" said Aang.
"THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN!" she screamed.
"KATARA!" Aang yelled.
Aang's voice overpowered Katara's in a heartbeat; he knew that she was upset, and understood why, but she needed to hear why. She needed to understand why he felt the need to do this. As he took a deep breath while he placed his fingers on the bridge of his nose, Katara continued to penetrate him with her callous gaze. She was just in sheer disbelief at what had just happened; tears rolling past her neck into her collarbone as she stared at Aang in confusion. Aang couldn't bear to see her hurt this way; the knots forming in his stomach were taking it's toll on him, and he felt he needed to say what he needed to say as quickly as possibly.
"Katara...This is not the way I envisioned us to end up in this relationship. I imagined that we would be together for the rest of our lives, I really wanted that, but I just couldn't continue this relationship with the way things were going between us..."
"Between us? What was wrong with us?" thought Katara. She then began to try and comprehend what went wrong in their relationship, what she could have done different; until she realized, there were a lot of things that she could have done different.
"...Ever since the war had been over, you've been constantly fighting with me. Yes relationships have their up and downs, but it seems that during the past couple of years our relationship has been mostly downs; heck we've fought over a cup of tea a couple of weeks ago that escalated into me not loving you enough. It seems that since the war's been over, all we've been doing is locking horns..." said Aang sternly.
Katara knew that that incident was unnecessary, and she never did apologize for it either. The sense of guilt was overtaking her, and she began to feel as if she was about to fall over and faint, but she kept her composure and listened.
"...I always loved you, since the day you freed me from the iceberg and I laid eyes on you, but right now, after this constant fighting and bickering between us, I just don't know if I still feel this way about you anymore..." he answered somberly.
Katara shot a glare at Aang as he continued his reasoning; rage bubbling up inside her as she felt herself ready to blow at any moment.
"...I care for you deeply and always will, but I'm just not sure if we should be together as a couple anymore. I will always be there for you as a friend; whenever you need me I'll be there." finished Aang.
Katara waited until his speech was over to finally put her input into the conversation.
"Well Aang, it's very unfortunate that you feel that way, you WILL be missing out." said Katara gloomily.
He cringed when he heard her say this, "Please Katara this breakup is just as much hard for me as it is for you-"
"I made sacrifi-"
That was it, He couldn't contain his anger anymore; his face twisting in fury and his fists balled as he interrupted Katara before she could finish her sentence.
"AND I MADE SACRIFICES TOO! I ALWAYS MADE SURE I MADE TIME FOR YOU SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T GET LONELY OR JEALOUS OR WHATEVER YOU WERE FEELING ON OCCASION; WHENEVER YOU WANTED ME TO WATCH YOU BEND WITH MASTER PAKKU AND THE OTHER WATERBENDERS IN THE NORTH POLE I WAS THERE, ALL THE TIME! I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU KATARA!" he bellowed.
"Don't you DARE interru-"
"THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I WAS NEEDED IN THE FIRE NATION AND THE EARTH KINGDOM AND I WILLINGLY KATARA, WILLINGLY DIDN'T GO TO MEETINGS, REBUILDINGS, PARTIES, SO THAT I CAN BE WITH YOU!" Shouted Aang.
"Parties? You never ONCE invited me to any party, I'm not a mind reader, and it doesn't help when your significant other remains quiet about it!" yelled Katara.
Aang stared at her dumbfounded, he never did invite her let alone tell her about any of those things.
"I would've been there for you more Aang, I really would've." tears began to streak down Katara's face, "If you had only asked me to. That's why I always argue with you! You always act like wallpaper, just hanging around with no real purpose but to decor the scenery!" yelled Katara.
Aang looked down to the side of his shoulder defeated; he realized that he too was being neglectful in their relationship. He never really thought much about putting his part, and never realized that he wasn't doing enough to sustain their relationship.
"It just seems that... we're just not meant to be together." said Aang, looking remorseful.
Katara looked at Aang helplessly.
"What we had was a beautiful thing Katara and I will always cherish the good times we had together, but it's time to move on before we cause each other more unhappiness..." declared Aang.
Katara stared dismally at the young man who had broken her heart just a couple of moments ago.
"I can't believe this is happening" said Katara; new tears beginning to form in her already tear-swollen eyes.
"It will be for the best, you'll see. There's plenty of eligible guys out there for you to...err...choose from." said Aang as the very thought of Katara with another man gave him the feeling to want to regurgitate.
Katara held herself and squinted the last drops of tears from her eyes. She never expected Aang of all people to let her down the way he did; she really imagined them getting married, having children and growing old together, but she guessed it's that very thought that Aang didn't have in mind when it came to her. Then a thought came across her mind...
"It was because I didn't have sex with you isn't it?" she asked bitterly.
Aang's eyes widened in shock; his cheeks blushed at the very thought of him and Katara doing that very act. He was a monk and the Avatar; however, he was still very human with very human needs. Although this made Aang think about what would have happened if they stayed together, he chose to ignore these very thoughts and instead focus on the meaning behind the question. He soon realized what she meant by this.
"What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to insinuate that I was pursuing sexual satisfaction throughout our whole relationship?" asked Aang; floored that she would make such an insensitive insinuation.
"Well you're the Avatar...you tell me" said Katara slyly.
"I'm the Avatar, not psychic! And how dare you make such an accusation against me! I wanted to be with you because I loved you!" yelled Aang.
Katara was about to push the issue further; until she saw the young Avatar's eyes swell with tears, and she was starting to regret having asked that question.
"Aang..." said Katara in her familiar, soft toned voice.
But Aang quickly interrupted her, "If you had any idea as to how many girls throw themselves at me on a constant daily basis, you wouldn't have even asked this question in the first place." he answered annoyingly.
Katara was shocked at what Aang had just implied. "Girls throwing themselves at him? And he never told me. Then again why would he tell me? I would've just argued with him anyway, he knew this, but I still wished that I knew...that he tell me...that is...unless.." she observed the tears that began to run down Aang's face, this breakup DID hurt him as much as it hurt her, she was just too blinded by her own hurt to realize this until now, now that he's showing his hurt. Katara couldn't handle this situation any longer, and was waiting to see if Aang had anything else to say before she would say her last goodbye, but there was no response. She then gathered the courage to ask him just one final question, one question that she now knew had an answer to.
"Who is she?" asked Katara in a saddened, monotonous tone.
Aang's eyes shot up to look at her directly face to face. He can't believe she asked her that question, and he soon found his stomach doing somersaults while his palms began to sweat. He didn't know whether or not to tell her the truth, but there was no hiding it...she figured out his secret.
"I don't think you remember her." said Aang somberly.
Katara felt her heart sink, she was hoping she wasn't right; now she's regretting having asked that very question, but couldn't help but hear more about it.
"She's a nice girl and keeps me company, we never kissed or...anything else...but we talk and we laugh, we get along great, she's a great friend." said Aang.
Aang noticed the sadness enveloping Katara's face and didn't want to continue on speaking about his lady friend. Depression overcame her as she realized that this was the real reason for the breakup; everything else they just argued about just played a role into the ultimate reasoning. He's never been with anyone else besides her, and considering he's been around male monks most of his life, he's never actually played the field, and wouldn't be able to distinguish the difference between love and lust. Maybe that was all he felt for her throughout their whole relationship...lust.
Katara shut her eyes and said, "Well it seems you've found your happiness Aang, I wish you the best of luck in this life." she said with a dead expression.
Aang felt shame over those very words Katara said. This new girl indeed made him very happy, but now, now that this is really happening, and Katara is making such a dismal declaration; he's beginning to have second thoughts about the whole thing, but it's just as wrong to continue in an unhappy relationship knowing that someone might offer you that absent emotion in your current relationship. Those thoughts were quickly interrupted when Katara spoke.
"Goodbye Aang."
Aang looked back at the sultry silhouette of the figure that was Katara walking away from him...this time for good.
Katara left fully keeping her composure; she didn't want to make a scene or seem desperate. She was about ready to beg and plead, but all that would do is make her seem needy, and she didn't want to give Aang the satisfaction. She walked towards the door ans ran out, dry tear streaks formed on her cheeks and eyes swelled as if she had been punched directly in both eyes; while her head was still trying to wrap around what just happened. She continued to dash towards the harbor, and as she finally approached and boarded the ship she traveled in, she couldn't help but think while her stomach churning, "How could I have not seen this coming?"
Meanwhile, Aang was left to ponder his thoughts, his mind still raging war within itself, or was it at war with something else in his body? He placed his left hand over his heart, his mind still dwelling over everything that's just happened. He knew that this breakup is in their best interest, but he still felt as if he'd been stabbed 100 times in the heart with a rugged dagger; hell, Azula's lightning bolt was starting to look like a bee sting compared to the ache he was feeling deep down within him. He waited to see if she would return; to see if she would somehow try to convince him to make it work, but to no avail, she was gone, gone for good. He gripped the fence tightly as tears began to run down his cheeks; head bent down to his chest as if trying to hold himself up from collapsing. "It hurts now but it'll get better, it has to."
The next chapter will reveal who this other girl is. I didn't want to give it away just yet because I want to dedicate an entire chapter on this girl and her relationship with Aang. Stay tuned...