I Need To Find Myself
This chapter has flashbacks, it will be written in Italic and should be pretty much self-explanatory which parts they are. Thoughts will also be written in Italic.
*Warning: This chapter might probably touch some nerves, specifically Aang/Katara fanatics, so please be prepared before you read*
Song Inspired: Faith Evans & Carl Thomas - Can't Believe
Aang came to the realization that he couldn't remain on that balcony for the rest of his life. He thought he would feel ok, she said I would feel ok after wards, but then why does he feel like rhino-horse manure? He pondered over his thoughts enough, it's done and he needs to move on now, he knows this. "*sigh*...This is an important week, I have a big meeting with the Nation Leaders and I can't afford to be seen distracted." He recalled those missed round tables; always having to reschedule plans because of his personal affairs. The Nation Leaders weren't at all pleased by his behavior, but were lenient with him, considering he was still pretty young and had already been through so much; but he knew that was no excuse. He may have been the avatar, but since reaching his teenage years he's never been so disorganized with his thoughts and his duty to this world. "Man, defeating Fire Lord Ozai was a cakewalk compared to this." he thought to himself. He walked away from the balcony and into the home still pondering his thoughts; he took a seat on the very chair that Sokka did his "portrait" of the whole gang some odd years ago and reminisced of the good times he had with the group he called his "family". He gave a small smile and placed his hand on the small table in front of him; his thoughts soon drifted elsewhere.
He began to think of the past couple of months with this girl. He has a great time being with her; they have fun, and she never insists that he be with her rather than fulfill his duties. That's when Katara's words ran through his head, "I would've been there for you more Aang, I really would've." The vision of her ocean blue eyes filled with tears was one he didn't want to think about. He let out a sigh and got up from his chair.
"I need to relax" said Aang to himself.
He sat on the floor; he formed himself into his traditional meditative pose and closed his eyes.
He was having sudden flashbacks of this girl and his experiences with her over the past year...
"Aang, this is sooo much fuuun!" yelled the girl.
"I thought you'd like it" Smiled Aang.
Aang and his lady friend were riding on top of Appa, enjoying the scenery that was the glorious nation below them, and each other's company. Appa was doing some fancy move on the clouds, while Aang formed the clouds to resemble fluffy bunnies, lollipops, and ultimately a dancing girl. Aang's lady friend was very impressed as she gazed in awe at the spectacular performance the Avatar was making, just for her...
Flashbacks of Aang with his lady friend shifted from eating together, to attending the circus together, to watching plays together; both just happy to keep the other company.
Aang's thoughts quickly shifted to a more recent encounter with his friend:
"Aang, I'm really glad we found each other again" said the girl.
"I am too" replied Aang while giving a warm smile in return.
Aang stared at the beautiful sky splashed with purple, reds and oranges, his mind somewhere else.
"I'm in such a predicament." said Aang.
"Why? What's wrong?" asked his lady friend as she looked at him worriedly.
"My girlfriend, Katara, she's becoming unbearable." said Aang, feeling guilty.
The girl looked at Aang, "Do you love her?" asked the girl.
Aang hesitated, then finally spoke, "Of course I do, I could never deny this feeling from myself" said Aang. "It's just that, she's always upset at me, it's always SOMEthing. It seems lately, she's been more angry at me; constantly looking for something to argue with me about. Just the other day I had some jasmine tea, some TEA, and she went all out on me, saying that I should just bring her a cup anyway and assume she wanted it. These kinds of situations are constantly happening between us, I just don't know if I can't deal with making her unhappy anymore" said Aang. "I always knew she was the kind of person that had to have things her way, always organized and punctual, but it's just too much now; it's gotten to the point that I can never do anything right in her eyes and I don't know if I can take it."
The girl let out a deep sigh and gazed at the ocean. She knew of this; he was always bringing it up, and now she's feeling a nervous anticipation about bringing up her suggestion.
"I mean, if I'm making her so unhappy. then why doesn't she just leave?" asked Aang "But then again" he hesitated longingly, "We have such good times as well. It's just that all of these fights are getting in the way of us." said Aang sadly.
The girl gathered up the courage to say what's been in her heart since she and Aang became so close. "Aang, you don't love this girl". said the girl.
Aang stared at her in confusion for a moment, shocked by what she just implied; how could he not love Katara? He's endured so much with her and he's still there for her up until this moment. Sure they have their share of disagreements, as does any couple, but he's sure his feelings are real, is he? Aang then looked at the sand in front of him, thinking hard about what his friend just said.
"What do you mean?" said Aang.
"Aang, think about it," she shifts closer to Aang, "Every time we spend time together you're always telling me how you both argue all the time, you can't agree with anything, how can that be love?" said the girl.
She made a lot of sense to him. How could that be love? Aang began to wonder where she was getting at; that was quickly answered.
"Us...on the other hand..." she reached for Aang's hand, Aang too afraid to move his hand away as his face began to blush, "We have a great bond, we laugh together, we have a great time, isn't that was love is all about?" said the girl in a seductive voice.
"...I don't know..." said Aang.
The girl looked at Aang with passionate eyes; this intimidated him, but at the same time he was curious, curious about what she was implying.
"Only with time will you know, you need some time to find yourself to really know for sure. And who knows, maybe you'll find someone else to be the girl for you." hinted the girl.
Aang looked deep into her eyes and pondered his thoughts. She was right; they do have a good time together, something that doesn't happen often between him and Katara, but does that really mean that they should part ways? The sheer thought of it made Aang feel sick, but he knew she was right. How could he possibly say he loves someone when he's constantly in disagreement with that other person? He let out a sigh and stared out into the ocean. "You're right" he said disappointingly.
"Aang, you need some time to find yourself..."
Her words echoed throughout Aang's head the rest of the encounter...
Aang shot his eyes wide open back to reality.
"I have to go" whispered the young avatar to himself.
He got up from the floor and walked towards the door, only to look back and take one last look at the place. He let out a sigh and left. Appa was resting next to the home when he was woken up by Aang.
"Hey buddy" said Aang to his loyal animal and friend.
Appa let out a groan, almost as if he was asking how it went. Aang looked down at the floor and then looked at Appa.
"Come on Appa, we have to get to the Fire Nation, there's a couple of things we need to do there."
Appa complied; Aang jumped on top of him and were soon soaring through the air beneath the twinkling stars.
Katara looked around the ship and gave an unfamiliar gaze around the deck. "This isn't the ship I traveled in" she said to herself. Of course, she got off the ship only to see in big letters "Earth Kingdom Exports" on it's side. "I guess I was in such a state that I didn't even bother to check if that was the ship I came here on." said Katara to herself. To her dismay, the ship she traveled in was nowhere to be found and assumed it had already departed the dock. She really wasn't looking forward to staying the night in Ba Sin Se, until she saw a sign that said 'Traveling to the Poles? Ride Me!' She cringed at the cheesiness written on the sign and decided to board the ship. She entered the small ship and sat on a small bench on the main deck as she felt the cool breeze blow between the loose strands of hair as she gazed at the sunset. She was still in a sense of shock over what had occurred earlier and just wanted to go back home, the South Pole, but she wasn't sure if the ship she was in was going directly to the South Pole, so she got up and went to look for the captain; breathing a heavy sigh as if lead was strapped on her feet. She observed the people boarding the ship, old and young, ready to embark on a journey to the frozen pole. She knew they were all going to the North Pole; it's become such a hot spot for curious people across the world, and so many people want to witness the fortress that remained impenetrable from the fire Nation during the war. Everyone on board looked like tourists; dressed in their light coats with no gloves or furs, completely unaware how frigid the temperatures can be. "Good to know you can buy heavier coats at the North Pole", thought Katara. So many families, so many children with the happiest grins on their faces; mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters huddled in their kin with a bond she envied so. "I guess I'm the only unhappy one on this ship." thought Katara. She couldn't help but feel as if she's been hit by a giant moving metal contraption, "He didn't betray me, but at the same time...he did", Aang's disappointed face reemerged in her mind, his words replaying as if a broken record player. "AND I MADE SACRIFICES TOO! I ALWAYS MADE SURE I MADE TIME FOR YOU...I WAS THERE, ALL THE TIME! I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU KATARA!" She shut her eyes for a moment, "Who is she?...I don't think you remember her..." . A tear escaped from her bottom eyelid as she recalled those very words Aang told her; she then wiped the tear with her left index finger and continued on. She opened her eyes a bit, but before she could react she bumped into an older man who resembled the father of an old friend she helped escape from a fire Nation ship some years ago.
"Katara? Katara of the Water Tribe?" asked the old man in a humbling voice.
She realized who she soon ran into and smiled a huge grin that can fool even Aang to seem she was happy.
She let out a gasp and gave the old man a giant hug "It's so good to see you, Tyro" said Katara.
Tyro didn't hesitate to exchange hugs with Katara, being eternally grateful for giving him and his fellow prison companions the courage to fight back the Fire Nation and reclaim their towns.
"It's good to see you too Katara" said Tyro.
Katara looked up at him and made a difficult smile.
"How's Haru doing? I bet he's become a skilled master since the last time I saw him" said Katara.
"Oh yes, he's become incredibly skilled; Since the villagers were freed with your help, many earth bending teachers were readily available to teach anyone with the ability to earthbend. My Haru has become an earthbending master." said Tyro proudly.
"That's so great to hear, I'm so happy for him." said Katara in an unenthusiastic happy tone.
Tyro can see the happiness in Katara's face in light of the situation, but can also sense that something wasn't right with her at the moment.
"Katara, is everything alright?" asked Tyro, concerned that something might have happened to her.
"Hh-What? Oh yeahh of course..." said Katara in a nervous manner, unwilling to spill about what happened.
"Well I'm just making sure, you've helped make many people in this world happy Katara and the last thing you deserve is to feel sorrow." said Tyro.
"I made many people happy except for the one person I care about..." thought Katara.
"Thank you, and it's been really great to see you, but I'm trying to find the captain of this ship. I need to ask him if it's sailing to the South Pole." said Katara.
"Well, you're looking at him." chuckled Tyro.
Katara's eyes widened as she felt relief knowing that an old friend (no pun intended) was the person she's been looking to talk to.
"That's great! When did you take the time to become a ship captain?" asked Katara.
"Well since the war's been over and Haru's been on his own, I decided to take me and my wife on a never ending trip around the world. said the old man enthusiastically. "I took some time to take classes to become a certified ship captain; it's wasn't easy I'll tell you that much, it's not like I can move the water with earth" chuckled Tyro. "So I had to learn all of the fancy stuff from a manual that's given to you; they give you lots of tests afterwards, just to make sure you're cut out for the job both physically and psychologically. Thankfully I was deemed able to maneuver a ship and here I am; I've been a ship captain for about a year and absolutely love everything about it. " smiled Tyro. Katara gave the old man a smile as she played with her fingers. He then gave Katara a "come hither" motion with his finger and whispered in Katara's ear, "Between you and me it's always been my dream to travel the world, but it wasn't exactly the wife's" He then thumb pointed at his wife on the other side of the deck next to the captain's quarters. Katara looked on as his wife looked at him with boredom as he waved and gave a big grin.
"She doesn't look too happy" pointed out Katara.
He looked at his wife as he told Katara, "I know, she hates traveling, but when we arrive at the various cities we travel to she lights up like a light bug." smiled the old man while staring at his wife belovedly. She exchanged the beloved look to her husband and smiled; the sunset glistening on the side of her face.
Katara noticed the happiness emanating from them; the sacrifices she made to make her husband happy was a lesson that really hit home for Katara. She let out a sigh; she didn't want to dwell in these thoughts anymore and went on to ask the very question she's been wanting to get an answer to since she boarded the ship.
"Well, I'm sure you weren't looking for me to talk about personal affairs, what can I help you with?" asked Tyro.
"Well...Is this ship sailing to the South Pole tonight?" asked Katara.
The old man looked at Katara, "I'm sorry Katara, but this ship isn't sailing down South tonight. I wish I could help you but this ship's running on a schedule, so many people want to visit the North Pole that we're just booked solid on bringing them over there." said Tyro.
"Oh..." said a saddened Katara.
"Don't worry child," said Tyro merrily, "There will be a ship on this dock tomorrow that will take you to the South Pole. It'll depart exactly at half past sunrise, so you better be early." said the old man, giving Katara a thumbs up.
Katara smiled at him and gave him a traditional salutation. "Thank you so much."
Katara was about to walk away until Tyro stopped her.
"Oh and Katara?" said Tyro.
"Yes?" asked Katara sweetly.
"Whatever you're going through, it'll be ok." said the old man, giving Katara an encouraging smile.
Katara gave a half broken smile to Tyro; she guessed that it was pretty obvious that something was bothering her, and he sensed it. She nodded and waved as she walked away from the ship and back into Ba Sing Se.
As she departed the ship, disappointment engulfed Katara; wanting to get home as soon as possible was a number one priority to her, but now she has to wait, wait in the very city she didn't want to be in. Before she could finish her thoughts, she noticed in the sky the reason why she didn't want to remain in Ba Sing Se, Aang flying on Appa. She gazed up at the sight, Appa was after all a beautiful creature to behold. As soon as she thought just that she saw Aang; Aang coincidentally noticing her as well. "It's not like he can see me all the way down here" she thought to herself. Aang noticed the young Water Tribe girl below, "Katara" he whispered to himself. He then looked away as if he didn't notice her and concentrated on his journey. As the Bison disappeared into the horizon, she walked away and checked into a local inn; occupying it for the remainder of the evening.
Katara woke up before the sun came up the next morning, feeling a little better than she did the previous night; she got up from the bed she borrowed for the night and let out a big yawn. She went into the bathroom and fully disrobed herself and let down her long, dark brown locks that reached it's destination to the small of her back; she ran the bath and quickly went in as soon as the tub reached it's limit. Her mind still pondered over what happened the previous evening; She observed her body and asked herself, "Maybe I'm not that physically appealing to him too...". The very thought of that being a possibility sent a nasty feeling down to the pit of her stomach; what if Aang didn't find her physically attractive? Perhaps she wasn't enough? She began to feel self conscious and closed her eyes.
Katara began to have a flashback...
Aang stared deep into her own eyes...his own storm gray eyes sent shivers down her spine and into an area she never really explored much herself...it was as if he was staring into her for eternity with his half-closed gray eyes...he gently placed his hand on her face and leaned forward to taste her...His hands traveled down...he grabbed her waist with his left hand and gripped the small of her back with his other hand..she let out a slight moan in his mouth, barely connected to it...he gripped her slightly harder...his left hand moved up towards her shoulder, giving her goosebumps...his fingers tangled with the stringed lace holding her dress up and pulled it down, kissing her shoulder as the dress hit her feet...He gazed at her voluptuous curves...his eyes grew dark with desire and lust...he pulled her closer to him, wanting, needing, to be near her...his right arm gripped her bottom as his mouth travels to the sensitive side of her neck...Katara shivered...his fingers began to trail her back...he discovered the tie to her bindings...he began to pull...
"Katara..." whispered Aang as he moved from her neck to gaze at her eyes.
"Aang..." moaned Katara.
The bindings became loose, but his grip remained on them. He stopped, his eyes piercing through hers.
"Katara, I need you to be sure...to be sure that you're ready for this; are you ready, Katara?" asked Aang lovingly.
Katara gripped her bindings to her chest, "Aang...I can't...not now..." whispered Katara painfully.
Katara snaps out of it and comes back to reality.
"No that can't be it, not after that night, but maybe...maybe it is? It's not like he saw what was beneath my bindings" Katara thought to herself as her face became flushed.
She finished her bath and got herself ready. She looked outside and realized that it was almost half past sunrise and had to depart the inn as soon as possible if she wanted to catch the ship home. Katara ran our of her room and past the old innkeeper, "Thank you!" said Katara as she zoomed past him.
"Young whippersnappers..." said the old innkeeper.
She ran as fast as she could to the harbor and made it by the skin of her teeth, "Just in time." said Katara to herself as she paid the fare and boarded the ship. As the ship departed the dock she looked back to take one last glimpse of the city that had brought her one of the greatest, and worst, memories of her life. She was done with all of that now; she was ready to move on and start over. She couldn't wait to see her father, Gran-Gran and of course, her annoying-at-times brother Sokka. She chuckled to herself and looked beyond the horizon, "Destination: Home", whispered Katara bitter sweetly.
Morning had come; Aang and Appa had been traveling all night, but managed to remain awake and alert throughout the entire journey. Aang spotted a patch of land over the horizon and realized that he and Appa had arrived at their destination. Appa landed on a sandy beach near the Nation; Aang jumped off the Bison and began to walk towards a small hut-looking house. It was in an almost remote location on the edge of the Fire Nation, secluded with small, fire red flowers on the edge of it's porch. Aang couldn't help but feel nervous; he broke up with Katara to try and find happiness, someone that would love him in return, but why does he feel so strange? As Aang began to delve deeper in his own thoughts, all of his inhibitions disappeared as she walked through the door of the small house. He looked at the figure walk out to find just who he wanted to see; he looked into her deep ember colored eyes and smiled.
"Hey Aang, or do I still need to call you Kuzon?" said Onji jokingly.
Aang sighed in relief and smiled. She truly was a sight to behold; her skin fair with a hint of blush on each cheek, straight, dark brown hair that reached her shoulders, and feminine curves wrapped in a red Fire Nation dress. "It's good to see you again Onji" said Aang as he approached to hug her. Onji returned the hug and smiled at the young Avatar. They soon let go of each other's embrace and approached her porch while Appa lounged around the sand. Onji offered Aang a seat next to her so that they can gaze at the beautiful morning ocean and sky.
"So, how did it go?" asked Onji, a hint of concern in her voice.
Aang hesitated to go into details; he didn't want Onji to know how truly upset he was about the breakup so he was very brief about what happened. "It wasn't easy, but I know that I needed to do this, fully knowing that in the end we will both be happy living separate lives." said Aang.
Onji looked at Aang as he finished his sentence, giving an innocent smile to the young Avatar. Aang then looked at her, "Look, I don't want to rush things between us, I just want to take it slow and see where things go." said Aang.
"Of course Aang, I respect your need to take it slow" said Onji, fully playing the respect card very well.
"Thank you Onji." said Aang.
Before Aang could react, Onji lunged at Aang and gave him a soft kiss. Aang couldn't help but return it, after all, he was officially done with Katara, he could do whatever he wanted, then what was this strange thing that he was feeling in kissing Onji? She's a pretty good kisser, she smells nice, she's pretty, then why does this feel so weird to him? "It's just nerves, that's all." thought Aang to himself. Onji and Aang pulled themselves back and smiled at each other, exchanging caring glances fully looking forward to their future together. That soon changed when Aang realized the other reason he was in the Fire Nation.
"Onji, I have an important meeting with Fire Lord Zuko and the other Nation Leaders in a couple of days." said Aang in a serious tone. "I'm a little worried as to what my presence is needed for, considering I've missed a couple of meetings in the past and wasn't made to be a big deal to the attendants." continued Aang.
Onji looked at Aang with a worried expression, "Is something wrong?" asked Onji.
"Well, I don't know. I mean, Zuko told me that it was a matter that concerned me and that it was obligatory that I be there." said Aang in a concerned voice.
Onji looked out into the ocean as she heard Aang speak about this meeting. Aang noticed her concern and quickly changed the subject.
"But, I thought in the meantime, I'd come early to see you and hang out." said Aang cheerfully.
Onji giggled, "Sure, but may I ask, where you are staying?" asked Onji.
Aang gave a thinking face, "Well, I was thinking of staying in an inn, or Zuko's palace."
"Well, just so you know, you are always welcome in my home if you ever need a place to stay" said Onji comfortingly. Aang gave her a reassuring smile and nodded his head .
Onji laid on his chest and began to trail her fingers up and down his robes. Aang felt a sudden sense of peace; he now knew that there was no going back, and this was the way things would and should remain and was ok with it. He breathed a sigh of relief and directed his smile towards the ocean. "This is what I want" thought Aang.
I'm pretty sure this chapter pissed some people off, just want to apologize for that. Stay tuned...