Sirius had avoided Regulus for the rest of the night, and the morning afterwards. He couldn't work out why he'd enjoyed the kiss so much, but he knew it was completely wrong and he couldn't even look his brother in the eye. After a painful couple of hours at home, finally the Black family arrived at the station. He didn't bother saying goodbye to his parents because he knew they wouldn't want to wish him goodbye either. He rushed onto the train searching the compartments for one of his friends. As he got near the end of the train, he spotted James, Remus and Peter who beckoned him to sit with them. He let out a sigh of relief and sat down next to Remus.
Seeing Remus in person was enough to make Sirius feel like the guiltiest person on Earth. He saw those gorgeous amber eyes looking at him with such happiness and he almost felt his heart break. Remus smiled at him and hugged him tightly. Sirius could see that Remus was inhaling his scent, and he smiled. When they broke apart, Sirius held his hand out for Remus to hold throughout the journey.
"I missed you so much," said Remus.
"I missed you too," Sirius said.
"Well, didn't you miss us?" asked James with a mock surprised face on.
"Of course I did," Sirius said, grinning. "I hate going home..."
"Why don't you just leave?" asked James.
"Well... Regulus wants me to stay, and he doesn't want to be alone with my mum and dad," Sirius said, feeling his stomach lurch when he mentioned Regulus.
"But don't your parents actually like him though?" asked Peter.
"Yeah, they love him but I guess Reg likes having someone to talk to to... he needs company..."
"Hmm, I guess so."
The rest of the journey consisted of Peter and James cracking jokes and eating chocolate while Remus rested his head on Sirius's shoulder and Sirius stared out the window. Sirius couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. He'd never felt so good kissing anyone, and he'd had his fair share of kisses over the years. He'd always thought that his kisses with Remus gave him the greatest feelings but now he was beginning to think that Regulus... his brother... could make him feel much better. He sighed. Remus sat up and looked into his eyes.
"Are you OK?" he asked.
"Huh? Oh, yeah..."
"Are you sure?" questioned Remus. "You sighed... did you want me to move or something?"
"No! Of course not! Come here," he said, pulling Remus into an embrace. He felt his boyfriend smile into the embrace and he relaxed. He needed to stop having these thoughts. He had an amazing boyfriend who cared about him so much... he didn't want to lose the best thing he had.
But Remus's kisses weren't as satisfying as Regulus's...
But then again, maybe it was a one-off, and maybe Regulus isn't as good a kisser as he was last night... not that he would find out, because he wasn't ever going to kiss his brother again.
And if poor Remus found out what he'd done! Sirius couldn't bear the look on Remus's face if he ever found out. Sirius decided that he was definitely better sticking with Remus and forgetting what happened with Regulus. After all, he had absolutely no chance with Regulus in the future, but he had a very good chance of staying with Remus for a long time. At least Remus doesn't run off after an amazing kiss, thought Sirius... But Reg was just freaked out he pointed out to himself. I'd probably have run away if he hadn't.
"Sirius? You there?" asked James, waving his hand in front of Sirius's face.
"Yeah," said Sirius faintly. He hadn't noticed, but he'd been arguing with himself for most of the train journey. He let go of Remus's hand as they left the train, to avoid awkward questions from other students.
Dumbledore was giving his start of term speech and Sirius was trying to keep his eyes open. James was kicking Lily under the table; trying to flirt, but failing miserably. Remus and Peter were listening intently to Dumbledore and Sirius was absent-mindedly looking at Regulus. He didn't notice he was staring until Regulus turned and looked right back at him. Sirius felt his heart jump and his face redden as he hastily looked down at the very interesting table. He chanced a peek at his brother, and he saw the blush in Regulus's cheeks too. Sirius smiled. At least it wasn't only him who was struggling with what had happened.
Sirius felt a hand on his thigh and he turned his attention to Remus, who looked unbelievably hot right now, in Sirius's opinion. How could he be thinking of Regulus, when Remus was right next to him, running his hand up and down his thigh?
"Sirius?" whispered Remus.
"Mmm?" answered Sirius, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the feel of Remus's hand on him.
"I need to tell you something," Remus said nervously.
"What is it?" asked Sirius, opening his eyes immediately. What was wrong with his boyfriend?
"It's nothing bad!" Remus said, noticing the change in Sirius's facial expression. "It's... something I want to tell you later... before bed."
"Are you sure you don't want to tell me now?" Sirius asked eagerly. Remus laughed.
"No. Later," he said, smiling that smile that Sirius adored. Sirius grinned back.
An hour later, Sirius found himself bored out of his skull. Peter was writing a letter to his mum, James was following Lily around while she was doing her prefect duties, and Remus was with Lily, doing his prefect duties. Sirius couldn't be bothered to stay in the dormitory so he grabbed James's invisibility cloak and headed downstairs. There weren't a lot of people in the common room so he kept quiet to ensure nobody would hear him sneaking out after curfew. He walked through the corridors and down the stairs to the Great Hall. He stood there for a while debating whether he should go down to the dungeons. He knew there was no point because Regulus would be in his dormitory or in the Slytherin common room but he still felt compelled to just go down and check. For the first time in his life, Sirius genuinely wished he was in Slytherin – only because he wanted to see his brother.
Again with the confused thoughts. He sighed. He kept changing his mind – one minute he wanted to forget about the kiss and next minute he wanted to kiss Regulus again. One minute he felt as though he was a complete idiot for cheating on his wonderful boyfriend, and the next minute he was thinking to himself, "oh, he'll never find out." At this moment in time, Sirius wanted to find Regulus and settle things between them. Though he'd love to kiss his brother again, he already had a boyfriend who he thought the absolute world of, and he didn't want to jeopardise their relationship.
He took in a deep breath and headed down to the dungeons. It was dimly lit in the corridor and it was quite cold, making Sirius shiver. Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin when he noticed the very person he was looking for, sitting in the corner leading off to the Potions classroom. Regulus had his head in his hands, and he seemed to be shivering. Sirius pondered whether he should take the invisibility cloak off or not, but finally decided he needed to speak to Regulus, and this would be the perfect time. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest; he hadn't spoken to Regulus since before their kiss, so he knew it would be an awkward conversation. He gathered up all of his Gryffindor courage, and pulled the invisibility cloak off himself. Apparently, Regulus hadn't noticed him as he still had his head in his hands. Sirius cleared his throat loudly, and Regulus looked up instantly, blushing a deep red and looking back down at his hands.
"What are you doing?" asked Sirius. Regulus looked up at him with a confused expression.
"Umm... sitting... on the floor... what does it look like I'm doing?"
"No.. I mean why are you sitting on the floor? Did you get kicked out or something?" Sirius asked, and Regulus blushed again.
"I.. just needed to think... the common room was too loud."
"But you're freezing out here!" said Sirius. "I can see you shivering from here."
"Look Sirius... I just needed to think... alone. That means alone OK? Without you here..."
"I... sorry... I didn't mean to intrude... I was just walking and then I saw you there," explained Sirius.
"Since when do you take walks in the dungeons?" asked Regulus. Sirius bit his lip.
"Fine. I actually came down here to hand in my Potions work," Sirius lied.
"On the first night back? We haven't even had Potions yet..."
"Fine!" said Sirius angrily. "I... well.. I kind of... uhh... wanted to speak to you."
"Oh," said Regulus, looking down. "Umm... what did you want to speak about? You know we don't talk at school... You're in Gryffindor and I'm in Slytherin..."
"Reg... you know what I want to speak about," said Sirius awkwardly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Regulus.
"YOU started it!" accused Sirius. "If you hadn't... you... I... argh! You brought your face so bloody close... you did it!"
"Sirius... I... I'm sorry," Regulus said, and Sirius could tell he meant it. He heard the sadness in his voice.
"I just... er... why Reg? Why did you do it?" Sirius asked the question that had been on his mind ever since the kiss.
"I don't know... I didn't even know what I was doing. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt like I didn't have a choice... I couldn't help it."
"Did you-" Sirius sighed. "-Did you enjoy it?"
"I... err... umm..."
"-because I enjoyed it," said Sirius truthfully, looking down. He couldn't believe how embarrassed he felt.
"You did?" shouted Regulus.
"Shhh!"
"Oh sorry," he whispered.
"Yes, I enjoyed it. I.. uhh.. couldn't stop thinking about it," admitted Sirius.
"Neither could I," said Regulus, so quietly that Sirius wasn't quite sure he even spoke at all. Sirius sat down on the floor next to Regulus. He accidentally brushed his hand against his brothers and his eyes opened in shock.
"Reg... you're so cold!" he said. He was about to put his arms around Regulus, but stopped. After all, hugging could lead to kissing... and he wasn't really sure if he wanted that. Before he knew it, Regulus had already leaned against him, and Sirius had put and arm around his shoulder without thinking. With Sirius's other hand, he grabbed the invisibility cloak and threw it over them both. Regulus laughed.
"Why? It's not like it'll warm us up..."
"It's an invisibility cloak you moron," said Sirius. "Just so nobody sees us..."
"I don't understand... are we doing anything that shouldn't be seen?" asked Regulus. Sirius smirked.
"Not yet..." he said, raising his eyebrows at Regulus who blushed.
"Sirius... I don't think-"
But he was cut off as Sirius brought his lips to Regulus's and they began kissing again, but this time it was much more rough. Both boys were fighting for dominance and their hands were pulling and tugging at each others clothes, desperate for something more than kissing. Sirius could feel his erection growing and he couldn't stand it any more. He pushed his groin hard against Regulus's and was pleased to hear a quiet moan emit from his brothers mouth. Sirius wondered if he'd ever heard anything so sexy in his life. He started kissing Regulus's neck as more moans escaped Regulus's mouth, getting louder and louder. Regulus grabbed Sirius's arms and pushed him up against the wall hard, rubbing up against his erection.
"F-fuck!" breathed Sirius. "Mmm, fuck Reg..." Sirius reached down to undo the button on his trousers but Regulus stopped him with a kiss.
"Let me," he said seductively, leaning down, reaching for the button on his brothers trousers.
"Wait," said Sirius suddenly, grabbing Regulus's hand and stopping him from proceeding. "I think someone's coming," he whispered, and Regulus straightened up, covering his mouth. Sirius did the same, as they were both breathing loudly. Sure enough, the footsteps started getting louder and Sirius could see a shadow on the wall opposite where they were sitting. He heard voices... a girl... two boys... Sirius's eyes widened... he could hear Remus's voice.
James, Lily and Remus walked around the corner.
"But c'mon... you have to admit... I am sexy enough for you," said James, who was several steps behind Lily. Lily rolled her eyes, and Remus was laughing.
"Shut up Potter," Lily said coldly. "Why do you have to follow me everywhere? Can't you go and harass someone else?"
"Not until you admit that you're in love with me sweetheart," he said. "AHHHH!"
"What's wrong?" asked Remus. James was jumping up and down screaming in agony. Sirius saw Lily grin to herself.
"I think... I have a pole stuck up my arse!" screeched James hysterically. Sirius nearly burst out laughing, but Regulus quickly put a hand over his mouth to stop him.
"Umm... I don't see a pole anywhere," Remus said, clearly trying not to laugh. Unfortunately for Lily, she couldn't hold it back. She burst out laughing.
"Dearest Lily," said James, wincing. "Would you please get this pole out of my very sexy butt?"
"There is no pole there," Lily said. "And I'll only reverse it if you promise to leave me alone."
"I can't promise tha- ahh! FINE! I promise," he muttered.
"Good," she said, and she lifted the spell. "Remus... I think we should just head back now. Nobody seems to be out of bed."
"Yeah, OK," said Remus, and they disappeared around the corner. James stood rooted on the spot. For a second, Sirius thought James could see him, but then he let out a sigh and walked around the corner.
Sirius and Regulus sat for a moment in silence. Sirius pulled the invisibility cloak off of them and stood up.
"I need to get back," he mumbled. "They'll be wondering where I am."
"But-"
"- Really, Reg... You should get back into your common room too..."
"I was having fun," muttered Regulus. Sirius grinned.
"Me too," he said, planting a light kiss on the top of Regulus's head. He pulled the cloak over himself and headed back to Gryffindor Tower.
When he entered the room, all three of his room-mates turned to look at him suspiciously.
"Where have you been?" asked James. Sirius shrugged.
"Just the kitchens," he lied. He pulled his shirt off, getting ready to go to bed. He felt two arms wrap around his waist and he smiled.
"Sirius?" said Remus softly.
"Mmm?"
"I... I need to tell you something..."
"Oh yeah," said Sirius, who'd completely forgotten. "How about you come in my bed and you tell me?"
"Yeah," Remus said, grinning. They got into Sirius's bed, and Sirius put his arms around Remus, pulling him close. Remus put his hand up to touch Sirius's face, and pulled him into a kiss. It wasn't overly passionate, but it was enough to make Sirius's heart skip a beat. When they broke apart, Remus smiled.
"I... well, we've been together for seven months now," Remus said slowly. "And you know I like you a lot. Don't get mad or anything, but when I first agreed to go out with you, I sort of expected my heart to get broken. I thought you'd cheat or something so I didn't want to open my heart to you completely, but obviously I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. Sirius... I've fallen in love with you. I really have. I've never fallen for anyone in my life – you're... so special... I just... Sirius, I love you so much. You're the best boyfriend in the entire world, honestly. You mean everything to me."
Sirius had a lump in his throat; nobody had ever said anything like that to him before and he wanted to smile and be happy about it, but he really felt like crying. Remus had fallen for him. Remus had called him the best boyfriend in the world when really, he was the worst boyfriend. Not even fifteen minutes ago, he had been about to have sex with his own brother. He was cheating on Remus, and he felt like the worst person in the entire world. Remus had said he'd expected to get his heart broken and he thought Sirius would cheat on him. He'd thought he hadn't been more wrong, but he couldn't have been more right about it. After what Remus had just said, Sirius felt a thousand times worse about kissing Regulus than he did before. However, he didn't want to upset Remus, so he smiled.
"That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard Remus," he said, hugging him tightly. "I love you, too. I have done for a while, but I don't know... I've been afraid to say it in case you didn't feel the same way," said Sirius. It was true. He adored Remus. That's one of the main reasons he felt so guilty.
He looked into Remus's eyes and felt his heart leap in his chest. Looking at him, holding him, kissing him, made Sirius realize that it wasn't Regulus that he wanted; it was Remus. He decided that tonight was the last time anything would happen between him and Regulus, because it was completely wrong in all ways possible, and he would be hurting the one person he lived for. Sirius fell asleep with Remus in his arms, and the taste of Regulus lingering on his lips, the guilt building up on him ferociously as he slipped into unconsciousness.